Check Those Chi Chi's

Hey, kids! October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The fine folks at Cleavacious actually have pink bras for sale this month and 5% of all proceeds go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

And things are going well enough for Inventor Extraordinaire Karey Weyenberg (who really got screwed by the Nobel Committee this year) that the Cleavacious is actually advertised in this month's O Magazine. I'm sure Karey just wanted to let me know because I'm such a big apprecianado (it's like aficionado but liking it a lot more)of her work.

But the most important part of this month is that you check yourself. Breast cancer is the most prevalent form of cancer in women. If you're not sure how to to a BSE (Breast Self Exam), there are plenty of online resources on the interwebs.

If you're not up to a self exam, ask a stranger. You won't need to shower them with lovely gifts like Skagen watches to get them to lend a hand. Or two. You'll be surprised how helpful some people are willing to be. In fact, I've got a drive thru window open all October that is being staffed with extremely helpful gentlemen who also have warm hands. I can't wait for Halloween and all the ladies who need exams come by dressed slutty up.

I think the only problem with having October be Breast Cancer Awareness Month is that the name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. And let's face it, did you really think I was going to go a whole post without boob jokes? So here are some suggestions for a better name for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

• Knocktober
• Hooterween
• Autumn Show Them More Often
• Breastacula
• Frankentitty Fest
• Month of Mammaliciousness
• Nippleriffic Night
• All Hooter's Eve
• Devil's Double D Night
• Highbeam Harvest
• Coco-tober
• Bobbing for Love Apples
• Tatatober
• All Naturals Night

Feel free to play along at home, kids!

From Bad to Verse

Minnesota is officially looking for a state poet laureate. As the self-declared official poet laureate for the Cleavacious brand self-adjustable bra, my bona fides are well established.

And while I'm not officially from Minnesota, I'm pretty certain there's some kind of loophole. You know, the same kind that allows Senators to simultaneously be from New York, Arkansas, Chicago and own a home in Connecticut. I'm even willing to but one of those 1 inch real estate ranches. And I'll raise the worlds tallest bonsai tree on that 1 inch parcel of real estate.

So of course, I've got to apply to be the State of Minnesota's Poet Laureate. While I'm probably a shoo in because of my past work in women's undergarments, I thought it might be prudent to grease the skids as it were with something that was a bit more Minnesota-centric.

This still a little rough out, but it's a start. After all, it is a government gig.

Something, something lots of lakes,

Home to no poisonous snakes [To Fact Checker--yes?]

Leaving you makes my heart break

Excessive foot-tapping in MSP stalls a big mistake.

Blah blah de de lands quite striking

In the woods we all go hiking

There is even lots of biking

When not yelling at the GD Vikings

Depart your shores, you won't convince

Even though I'm sick of Prince

And his dance steps mostly mince

Changed his name, a symbol since

Something blah blah red blooded male

Would take a swing at Kevin McHale

For trading Garnett in a fire sale

Such basketball leadership makes me wail.

Your ex-governor Jesse liked to wrestle

In the state cap he did nestle

Like a bridge with a solid trestle

But caused most folk to burst blood's vessel

So to your lands I must go

Our children tall and brave will grow

Though Ma Nature some weather may throw

Way too much fucking snow.

If that doesn't win them over, nothing will.

Unfortunately, I don't know much more about the Great Lakes State except that Bob Dylan was from there, the lost a lot of Super Bowls and won the World Series over the Braves. And that really didn't help except for being able to rhyme Kirby Puckett with Fuck It.

Oh Captain, My Captain

I don't if I've ever told the story about how Wife almost electrocuted me. But I was thinking about it this morning as I made my toast in the shower.

Wife & I were once sailors. Not real sailors with tattoos and nautical skills, but fools who lived on a lake and envied the water-privileged. So we bought a boat for $300. Obviously not a huge outlay, but it was a nice little 15' outboard. And because we couldn't afford a boat lift, we just tied it to a crummy little metal dock that came with the house. It wasn't a big lake anyway.

Or so we thought....

Until one day when the Edmund Fitzgerald was tied up and a squall blew in off the lake. It hit the back transom just right to put a bunch of water under the cover and into the back of the boat. This caused it to flounder and sink in about 3 feet of water. Yup, as an intrepid captain with no marine insurance, I somehow managed to sink a boat that I wasn't even on while I was picking up a pizza. That takes skill by Poseidon.

So I called one of my engineer buddies who owned a pump and who I figured would know something useful. Unfortunately, he turned out to be one of those more "theoretical" marine engineers. We wound up sinking the boat again after we had it partially pumped out. We had to use cinder blocks and a big post as a lever to hold the boat up out of the water while water pumped out. We weren't paying attention and let the lever go for a while and the boat settled and sunk again. Yeah, it was probably all the tequila, but when you're shivering on an Autumn night and it's lightning while you're standing in open water, you need a bracer or four.

But on to the near electrocution....

As we first began to set up the pump, I gave Wife the extension cord to plug in. When she came back, she was going to throw the now plugged in cord to me to plug in to the pump. That's right, she was going to throw me a live wire, while I stood waist deep in the water. Luckily I shouted as her to stop (with several profanities) as my buddy attempted to do his best Jesus impersonation. Don't try that at home kids. Wife still claims this was just an oversight on her part. But I always wonder whenever we make waffles in the bathtub.

Luckily there was no Coast Guard hearing as to how I sunk a boat twice while it was tied up to a dock. Man, were we glad when we finally sold that boat--for $300.

She Drives Me Cuckoo

I've got my latest get rich quick scheme.

It's amazingly simple.

1) Buy some real estate in Bermuda
2) Corner the market on Coco Pops
3) Price gouge the hell out of the addicted Bermudians

Bermudites? Bermudies? Bermudists? That sounds like they've got a lot of au naturale beaches.

Anyway, Bermuda is now 4th fattest country in the world because of Coco Pops. At least that who Bermuda's health coordinator, Jennifer Attride-Stirling is making the scapegoat. And I always thought breakfast was the most important meal of the day. I'm sure it's not because the Honorable Ms. Attride-Stirling is just galivanting around the beaches of Bermuda in her swell shorts while stealing unsupecting ships and planes and not coordinating the health of her citizenry.

When did Coco Pops get rid of the bi-polar bird? There's some kind of monkey there now. I'd pass on anything in a bowl that was small, round and brown if a monkey gave it to me.

Is there a difference between Coco Pops and Coco Puffs? Or is this like one of those slick corporate tricks where they have Barbie and a rival company has a doll called Barbee that's spelled just slightly different enough to avoid expensive copyright litigation?

And if these Bermudists are hooked on chocolate-flavored breakfast cereals, Ms. Atride-Stirling better hope they never discover bacon.

I'd like to take my Canon Powershot camera down to Bermuda and snap a couple of action photos of corpulent Bermudists. I'm betting they can't compare to the people I can see at the fair every year. And that's just the line for elephant ears.

All I Owe Iowa

As a concerned Mid-westerner, I'm worried about Iowa. First, the University of Iowa dropped its annual corn on the cob eating contest. And then the gigantic wheel of karma rolled back around and crushed them underneath by causing them to lose to Iowa State in the big football game.

Now, the Iowa State Fair Board may ban the erotic corn dog eating contest. Who is surprised that the erotic corn dog eating contest is in Iowa? Anyone? And I'm amazed there's no video out there. And I was really looking.

While I have never seen the contest, I am willing to go on record that it is fantastic.

Contestants are given 30 seconds to demonstrate their "skills" while a crowd looks on and is "very enthusiastic and very responsive." Because let's face it, if someone is eating the old corn dog, you're going to be pretty, pretty appreciative. Contestants can also use condiments. And in this day and age of casual corn dogging, if you're going to eat a corn dog, you should be using a condiment.

This year's winner Lacey Schmidt, 24, of Ames not only got Alice Cooper concert tickets, but ensured she would have dates for the rest of her life.

I can't imagine why the fair would want to ban this kind of wholesome, family fun. It just underscores how America is leading the world in food-on-a-stick technology. Being able to eat a corn dog erotically isn't going to send you to drug rehabilitation or cause you to make a sex video that winds up on the interwebs or drive drunk or lose custody of your kids. In fact, winning the corn dog eating contest is something you'll probably want to put on your resume.

Please, Iowa State Fair Kahunas, please keep the contest. It's uniquely Iowa and good, semi-clean fun. Lacey, enjoy your new popularity.

Song to Woody

If you're not a golf fan, you may have missed this one. It's already legendary.




Woody Austin is a great guy and usually wears loud Tabasco brand shirts and also has a great sense of humor. The crowds for the remainder of his match kept dogging him with shouts of Marco and Polo.

What you don't see in that clip is that Acquaman the Woodman birdied the last three holes of his match to salvage it for the US Team.

Oh, and he showed up for his final match with a pair of goggles just in case. Woody, you might want to consider some Arizona real estate. They don't have much water there.

More True Grocery Adventures

Because I've lost a bit of weight lately (it's probably just the poverty and the crank), some of my clothes are a little baggy. I tend to buy clothes baggy because I'm not crazy about looking like a snausage whilst in public. But I wouldn't say I look like an original gansta with my pants riding low on my hips with some underwear flashing.

And I swear it's not because of all the diet pills that Barry Bonds lets me "borrow."

Anyways, I've got one hand in my pocket to make sure my pants aren't flashing a bit too much gotchies and I'm getting some sunflower seeds from the top shelf. For some reason this store believes that only tall people are allowed the rich goodness that are roasted sunflower seeds.

When a Meemaw (complete with a hump) said as she was bent over her cart at a 45 degree angle, "Excuse me, but can you help me reach the nuts?"

Without thinking, I blurted out, "Not while I've got my hand in my pocket."

Yes, she was very confused and didn't get any nut assistance from me because I hightailed it out of there.

The Kids Are Alright

I've not written about Kid Nation until now because I'm still a bit on the fence.

First, Hollywood was all against it. That made me like it straight away. Hollywood doesn't like reality programming because the writers don't care for a tv genre that's making them obsolete.

Second, I'm generally in favor of any show that starts with the premise of stranding 40 kids in the Middle Of Nowhere, New Mexico. I wanted a consult though because I've been keeping a list for some kids in my neighborhood who they should have taken. Come back to us Uncle Shelby.

Third, when parents are up in a hizzy about what happened to their wannabe actor/children/mealtickets, you've got to like that as well.

I'm still holding out hopes that some one's head is going to wind up on a stake. Hope I didn't ruin anything for anyone there.

But the show really doesn't have that much action. Sure they manufacture conflict just like every show. There are wacky challenges that make the kids do crazy stunts. Is every reality show just a bigger version of Super Sloppy Double Dare?

And it's not really reality. Reality is reality. TV isn't reality by any stretch of the imagination. The big kids pick on the littler kids. Anyone with an older sibling could have predicted that. They have a cash award each show that everyone sucks up to win. Who saw sucking up coming? Some kids are lazy. Some kids seem very mature.

They claim there are no adults. Unless you count that lame host who keeps ringing bells and handing out instructions and tasks. Don't hassle me, man! And you know there are about a zillion adults in the form of PA's and Cameramen and Medical Staff and Craft Services and a phalanx of attorneys. So there's very little chance that a true kid riot and insurrection will break out. They've got at least a skeleton of a town with bathrooms and a kitchen and the like. It's not like their going to be called upon to do any power supply repair.

But I'm hoping for something like the final parade scene in Animal House or the ESPN Y2K test commercial.

So I'll probably just get a Season Pass for this until Celebrity Medical Exams or Parrot Trooper comes on. After that it'll just slowly expire in my to do list....

Wipe Out

In addition to the rampant cat shaving going on unchecked in Wisconsin, there are even more nefarious activities going on.

If you're a man and in the Fon du Lac County Government Center, be careful in the toilets. Someone has been stealing toilet paper from the Men's bathrooms all Summer. I always figured if someone was going to go on a tp spree, it would be in White Cloud, Michigan.

Luckily, it's not costing the county much money because "we don't buy the best toilet paper" according to County Executive Allen Buechel. Now we know why those people at the government offices are so cranky. That must be rough have to make do with low cost tp. But sometimes all you can do is roll over and take it from The Man. There's no way to soften the blow this is causing to morale. Maybe they should stage a sit down strike until the scofflaw is eventually caught in the end.

Those poor Fon du Lackeys need to buy some Orlando real estate and get the heck out of there. No one should have to stand (or sit) for that kind of workplace behavior.

Cat's In The Cradle

If you and your cat are headed to Ashippun, Wisconsin, be on the look out for anyone with a disposable razor.

Kimberly Meyers had her kitty shaved on Sunday night. Use that direct link. You don't want to google a shorn kitty. You'll get some weird results. Especially if you're adult filter isn't on.

Police know who the shaver was and "plan to talk with the person responsible." Hmm, is that code for ass-beating? I know it is with the L.A. police.

There's a lot to this story we aren't being told. There are significant details simply not reported. Now, I'm not going to use the C word ("cover up"), but why aren't we being told the truth and getting to the bottom of this mystery? It's obviously the all powerful Shaving Lobby which won't rest until we're all completely bald.

There are many questions we need answered. I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this.

1) What was the cat's name? Buzz? Venus? Gillette? Remington?
2) What is the cat's breed? I'm betting it's not a Sphynx.
3) Who is this mysterious "responsible person?" Is he male or is she female? Or a SHim?
4) Why was the cat shaven? Excessive hairballs? Allergies? Clawing the Bush furniture? Hitting the cat nip too hard?
5) What's the proper way to shave a cat?
6) How does the cat look now?
7) Why are we protecting the identity of this "responsible person?" Former mafia witness? Member of the ASPCA? Convicted cat burglar? All you gots to do is say "alleged cat shaver" and you can get away with murder. Right O.J.?

And the most glaring oversight is how police found that vandals had painted "Sum Ergo Tonsumo" in red on the town hall. Any Latin scholar can tell you this translates to "I Am, Therefore I Shave."

The conspiracy is on. Watch your back kids. Trust no one. Especially anyone packing a disposable razor.

Shop 'til You Drop

The new online business is going swell. We're doing lots of very special, very personalized, very important services for big, big celebrities.

We've got a swell personalized online shopping cart with our ecommerce software and that's really all you need to get going. If you've got the right shopping cart software, people love your products even if it's something pretty dumb. As long as you can say a celebrity endorses it or uses it, you're golden.

Stuff continues to just fly off the e-shelves:

• Brittney Spears Parenting Guide
• Kate Moss Energy Powder
• Tom Sizemore Life Coaching
• Miss Teen South Carolina Geography Guide
• Hillary Clinton's Guide to Definite Answers
• Nicole Richie's Nutrition Guide
• George W. Bush's new book Dumb Choices for Dumb People
• Larry Craig Metronome (eliminates that need for foot tapping)
• Medellin Extended Director's Cut
• Michael Vick Medical Marijuana Clinic Pass
• Mike Gundy Media Relations Training (with special guests John Chaney and Hal McRrae)
• Milton Bradley's How to Make Friends and Influence Umpires book

Let me know if there's anything you'd like that we don't stock.

Denouement

Wow! What a great Talk Like a Pirate Day. This one was the the best one ever. I'd post some photos, but the digital cameras got destroyed during the off-shore bombardment. But I'm getting ahead of myself....

It all started innocently enough. The parade was going fine and the turnout was much better than expected. Some parade-goers were less than enthused with our float, but when we fired a few musket loads of candy into them, they fled in terror. But then they found it was just rainbow goodness, they recovered quickly.

And because the parade was so well received, we decided to go ahead with a re-enactment at the school. While I lost the costume contest to a World War II vet with a peg leg, the machete duel with the principal turned out better than expected. We may have gotten a little carried away when we took a few of the female teachers hostage some of the instructors seemed to enjoy it a lot.

The kids were so excited with the duel and the pillaging that we decided the float would probably float. And when the bombardment of the school began, the kids just went crazy.

How were we to know a few innocent cannonballs would burn the school down?

Like I said, it turned out to be a great day. Everything ought to be repaired just in time for next year.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

The Summer just seemed to go so quickly here in the Great Grey North.

I'd really like to hit Walt Disney World and see all my wee little friends. Maybe an Orlando rental home this time instead of a Disney Hotel.

I'll never forget sitting by the pool when a wee tot playing in the water cried to his Dad, "I've got to go potty." Dad replied that he'd be right there. Less than 30 seconds later as Dad was headed his way, the water tot loudly declared, "Nevermind." Yup, the end of the pool day for us.

All the Pirate Preparations have me pining for going on a certain ride about 15 times in a row. It's especially fun during the parade when no one is around and you can make out in the back row. I always notice something new whenever I go. Like how my seat is wet, Cap'n Jack.

The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

TLAPD is going to rock.

First, the optometrist agreed to remove my eye so my patch fits just right.

Second, I've been doing a lot of Home improvements. The boys at Anglian really came through for me. The Crow's Nest sticking out of the chimney really looks authentic.

Third, the cannons came out much better than I expected. Because I had to cast them myself, I didn't think the reload rate would be that good. Because I used cast iron, the school bus that I'm stuck behind each morning is in serious trouble. I'm not even going to go for a shot across the port bow. I'm just going to let it have it.

Especially that little fat ass that gives me the pressed ham each morning.

Enjoy the day, swabbies!

Only Five Days Left

Get ready, swabbies.

The best day of the year is coming in less than 5 days. Yes, it's almost time for International Talk Like a Pirate Day again. Wow, time flies when you drink all that rum and do all that wenching.

So put down that cabinet hardware and grab your cutlass and buckle your swashes. What is a swash anyway and how does it keep coming unbuckled anyway?

And while I'll be celebrating TLAPD with an Errol Flynn double feature of Against All Flags and Captain Blood and making the Wife slowly go nuts by repeating "Arrrrrr" all day, here's how other celebrities will be celebrating the day.

Lindsay Lohan: Long John Silver's carryout and rehab sex
Tom Cruise: Dressing up like Horatio Nelson
Keith Richards: Drinking rum and incoherency
Keira Knightley: Splurge with an entire bean for dinner
Orlando Bloom: Admiring self in mirror
Johnny Depp: Not showering
Bill Nighy: No such person exists; he is just a special effect
George W. Bush: Ordering the Black Pearl deployed to the Persian Gulf
Geraldo Rivera: Special Investigative Report live from Pittsburgh

Enjoy the day, kids.

Secret Uniforms

In an effort to salvage their season and avoid going 0-3, the University of Michigan Wolverines are breaking out some new uniforms.

These new togs should take Notre Dame by complete surprise and ensure a victory. Because you're my super secret BFF interweb buddy, I'll let you in on what the new uniform looks like.

Go Wolverines!

Jimmy Crack Corn

Because they've whipped all the other problems in the Midwest, the University of Iowa has cancelled the annual corn on the cob eating contest.

Okay, first who is actually surprised that the Hawkeyes had a corn on the cob eating contest?

But who is surprised that the contest is cancelled because according to nimrod weasel pussy vice president of student services Phillip Jones "promoting eating contests is the same as promoting gluttony."

Because as anyone who has been to a college campus recently has seen the terribly gluttonous student bodies strolling around the campus.

Even worse, the contest is the week long fun fest running up the the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. So the big tradition is ruined. Established in 1847, the contest has been in existence for over 150 years. Currently, Iowa holds a slim 76-74 edge over Iowa State. And making up things is fun.

Because of this terrible tradition tragedy, I'd like to suggest some other replacement contests:

• Beer Pong
• Streaking
• RC airplanes bombing runs of the Administration Building
• Cow tipping
• Hazing
• Corn Holing (not what you think)
• Binge Drinking
• Youth Indoctination
• Applied Bongmaking
• Fake ID Creation
• Marathon Sleeping
• Class Cutting
• 400 yard Dormitory Walk of Shame

I'm sure there are others so feel free to play along at home, kids. Until then, Phillip Jones is placing you all on Double Top Secret Probation.

Prison Musical Gets New Lead

If you're Tennessee House Judiciary Chairman Rob Briley, you might not want to belt out a show tune the next time you're pulled over for drunk driving (with police video goodness).

While I'm sure the Honorable Mr. Briley (D-Nashville) was coming back from dropping off toys at the the orphanage after volunteering at the Mesothelioma treatments Center and whipping up an entree at the soup kitchen, the police observed him speeding. Rep. Briley then allegedly (that's always a great weasel word for being able to type whatever you want) led the police on a high speed chase. And haven't we seen enough of those chases on tv to know how they all end?

Once in police custody (surprise - cars only get away from helicopters in outrageous action movies, kids), Mr. Briley called the nice policeman a "brown shirt" (and he really is as you can see by the uniform), a Nazi and then belted out a line from Springtime for Hilter. Yeah, that didn't exactly help with his booking process. The multi-talented Mel Brooks is an author, director and producer but not a lawyer.

Oh, and the police found an empty bottle of bourbon in Rep. Briley's car. That's Maker's Mark if I recall my bar tending days correctly. So, I'm sure a Tennessee politician is going to get in a bit of hot water for drinking Kentucky bourbon. Especially straight out of the bottle in his car.

And this all takes place in the middle of the afternoon. Doesn't this stuff normally happen about 3 a.m.? At least it does if you're a professional athlete. That must have been a pretty good lunch, Rep. Briley. UT was playing Southern Miss that day so it may have just been a kick ass tailgate party.

I just hope Rep. Briley is able to survive this scandal. Because it sounds like he'd be a great U.S. Senator.

Cuts Like a Knife

This one comes to us from Michigan, kids. And it's a little rough so hang on tight.

In Allen Park, police found a man who had killed himself in wooded area with a guillotine he built himself. Police even found the store receipts at which he had purchased the materials he needed to assemble the guillotine.

Now, I don't know how MacGuyver pulled this off. It's all I can do to find a warm body at Home Depot. And I know the kind of advice I get when asking electrical questions. You can only imagine what kind of "customer service" you'd get if you asked for a blade "Oh, big enough for a guillotine."

Why do I have the feeling this is all because his Wife wouldn't let him get one of those poker tables?

It's too bad this gentleman couldn't get the help he needed. If you're depressed, see a professional. And not just a a professional bar tender.

Because you know this guy's house would have kicked ass at Halloween. At least once anyway.

Oh, and you know this is going to be on CSI Miami next week. Now take off those damn sunglasses already, Whitey.

Dog Eat Dog

There are many things I've learned from my numerous visits to the dog park. For those of you not encumbered with a hairy dependent (and when is he going to get a job?), a dog park is a fenced-in enclosure where you take your beast so he (or she) can sniff many strange butts and run to his (or her) heart's delight so that he'll sleep the rest of the day.

But it's always fascinating to see people interact with their pets. Or their masters as the case may be.

There are some things I've learned from my time at the Park d'Poo:

1) If you name your dog Dimebag, you may be giving a little more information about your lifestyle than you originally intended. Especially when you're yelling "Dimebag, come Dimebag" at the top of your lungs.

2) If you hand out personalized pens while you have a bag of poop in your other hand, don't be surprised if no one hangs on to the pen for very long. And you're obviously in very desperate need of clients.

3) If you bring a puppy, two dogs, and two kids to the dog park on your own, don't be surprised if you can't keep track of them all. That's a 5 on 1 zone, baby. Even when the older son picks up a rock and throws it at the head of the younger one. Don't worry, ma'am, I've got the puppy. You just try to get some care for that scalp wound.

4) Scalp wounds really bleed a lot.

5) Kids with scalp wounds should be used in lieu of car alarms.

6) Dogs who hear car alarms (or kids that are louder than car alarms) can immediately evacuate their bowels even if they are running at full speed.

7) Guinness the Wonder Dog has the prettiest eyes ever.

8) But his kisses are a little too wet for my liking.

9) If you have two dogs of the exact same breed and exact same color and you can't tell them apart, don't expect me to either.

10) Labradors have the most drool. Even when running at full speed.

You Take the Notre, I'll Take the Dame

College football season is finally upon us. I don't count that first week because none of the games count as they're all just blow outs. Unless you go to Michigan. Then it's something you'll just agree to never talk about ever again. And you'll never vacation in the Appalachian Mountains.

But if you encounter someone in a bar and he's wearing a t-shirt of the rival school, you don't need to tear his scrotum off. Yes, I'm talking to you Deacon Allen Beckett. Apparently, the Deacon (who is an Oklahoma Sooner fan) got into a bit of a scrap with Brian Thomas (the scrotee) who was wearing a University of Texas shirt.

Quote of the story: "The police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles."

The Deacon's attorney said ole Deke isn't even a die hard fan. Can you imagine what he'd had done if he was a big fan? Things might have gotten out of hand. Or maybe that's in hand. I wonder if either of these guys owns the official collegiate wall sconce for his school? I'll bet the scrotee won't be wearing those baggy cargo shorts anymore. Of course, he may not be able to now. He'll probably have to go with Capri pants from now on.

If you're scoring along at home, that does count as a sack for Texas. No word on whether the Deke did a little dance after the incident.

And remember, if a testicle goes into the crowd, it's yours to keep.

Go Get Dora

I don't wish to speak ill of the deceased allegedly deceased, adventurer Steve Fossett, but I used to always think the same thing whenever I heard about one of his latest attempts. Remember, if he makes it, So What!

Oh, I'm sure circumnavigating the globe in a solo, high-air balloon was a fabulous triumph of the human spirit in the face of adversity, but is anyone really taking high air balloons for travel anymore? You've got to respect jillionaires with a death wish. At least his beneficiaries do....

Steve has gone missing in Nevada and the Civil Air Patrol is currently searching for him. Good luck with that guys. There's a lot of open space in Nevada. That not counting the Venetian hotel.

Boy with Fossett and Pavarotti going right now, I'll bet Abe Vigoda is staying home tonight.

Summer Love

This is what happens when too many meds meet too much daytime tv.

To the tune of Summer Nights from Grease (which is even better with Legos):

Summer cold my nose had a blast
Summer cold hit me so fast
Got a virus wife brought to me
An evil virus, it waylaid me

Summer days blowing away
to oh oh the summer nights
Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more
Did you get very sick?
Tell me more, tell me more
Like was your mucus thick?

Hit the workplace, infected all
Sneezed on office desks and bathroom stall
I spread my germs, they'll get it soon
Enjoy the illness, you're gonna swoon.

Summer cold, never gets old,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

Were you coughing some too?
Tell me more, tell me more
Please your illness review

Had a fever of 103
Lots of aches down in my knees
Stayed in bed, felt just like shit
Couldn't sleep, my head's gonna split

Summer sick, cold you can't kick,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

All that phlegm make you gag?
Tell me more, tell me more
Cause it sounds like a drag

Felt real weak, couldn't drive a mile
But I love that Nyquil green smile
Take your meds, make the room spin
Now my nose, it has no skin

Summer chills, take lots of pills,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

How long can you live on soup?
Tell me more, tell me more
Think I may have the croup

Felt so colder - that's where it ends
But my doctor she recommends
That I stay here in my bed
Pretty soon I will be dead

Fever dreams and Vaporub creams,
but oh those summer colds
Tell me more, tell me more.

Songsational New Jersey

If you haven't heard, New Jersey has fixed everything and is now looking for a State Song. In fact, Jersey is the only one of the 50 states that doesn't have an official state song.

You may remember when Jersey was taking suggestions for a new State motto. The winner was "What're You Looking At" after it narrowly beat out "You Didn't See Nuthin" in the online vote.

Apparently the highly-esteemed Jersey legislature (4 weeks without an indictment) voted Red Mascara's "I'm From New Jersey" as the State Song but the Governor wouldn't sign this very important step forward for the New Jersey Citizenry into law. So it's only the unofficial state song.

The legislature did agree that every high school graduate is to be given their very own piece of travelpro luggage. So they can get the hell out. And a road map to New York.

But until the various sides can put aside their partisan politics and address this divisive issue, here are some suggestions for Jersey:

• Blinded by the Blight by Bruce Springsteen
• Big Girls Do Cry (especially if they live in Jersey) by Franki Valli & the Four Seasons
• Wanted Dead or Bayonne by Jon Bon Jovi
• Surfin' Ho-Ho-Kus by the Beach Boys
• I Don't Want to Go Home by Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes
• Lyndhurst is My Lady by Frank Sinatra
• Lullaby of Bay Head by Sarah Vaughan
• I'll Never Fall in Lodi Again by Dionne Warwick
• After You've Gone to Glassboro by Count Basie
• If You See My Barnegat Light also by the Count
• Every Ghetto, Every City by Lauryn Hill
• Squeeze the Trigger by Ice-T

Wasted Days, Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender was rejected as Freddy isn't actually from the Shore. I'm just kidding Jersey Boys & Girls. We kid because we care. Kinda.

I'm sure I've missed a few so feel free to play along at home, kids.

Go, Meemaw, Go

If you're a burglar in St. Petersburg, Florida, and are thinking about a little b & e, stay the hell away from Shirley Ives' house. Because she's got an ice pick and she's not afraid to use it.

Dion P. Sooko found out the hard way when he broke into Shirley's house and she had to "give him a little nick."

I think she should set up her home lighting and put that pick on display. Let any burglar who gets in see it in bright shiny light and know she's going to carve her initials in their chest if they mess with my girly Shirley.

And now she's got a taser as well.

Now these are the kind of feel good stories we ought to see in the news every day. I love stories about old people kicking unsuspecting criminal ass. In fact, that would probably be a great tv series. We could dig up Angela Lansbury and let her go medieval on some young punk each week. That would be a lot better than just solving some mysteries.

Too Late

I recently got a graduation announcement in the mail. Granted this is from a family member I know so it's not particularly surprising it took her 90 days after the graduation event occurred to get her shit in gear.

I mean you need to buy the announcements, get stamps, address them all, make a subtle plea for continuing educational resources.

But what is the statue of limitations on graduation announcements?

Now it's not like this young lady just graduated from Harvard. It's a lesser institution and I'm fairly certain she was not so besieged with job offers that she's just now getting around to the begging task at hand.

I mean, what's keeping anyone from saying, "It's been 15 years since I was in school, but I'd like some cash or at the very least a nice pen I can lose in a couple of weeks from you." Though they'd probably have trouble losing this.

I'm definitely sending a check instead of cash. There's good chance she'll lose it.....

Keep On Truckin'

In Berlin, 10 extras were hurt on the set of Tom Cruise's new movie, Valkyrie, when they fell out of a truck. No word on whether there was a truck bed liner. Typical shoddy journalism.

Nice try, Sweet Baby Jesus. But we want you to smite Tom Cruise not just some unsuspecting extras who had the misfortune to be cast in this turkey-to-be. Although to be sure, anyone who contributes to a Tom Cruise movie isn't innocent, but it's a degree of assbaggery. If you can take Tiny Tommy out (and granted he's got to be a very wee target from up there in heaven), it'll nip it, nip it, nip it in the bud.

This way, they'll just round up some other unsuspecting extras (like Andy Millman) and stick them on the truck. Please, SBJ, go for the teeny, tiny jugular if you're looking for something to smite.

Everyone Knows It's Lindsay

Exploiting the problems of someone else is cruel and heartless. Luckily, Cruel & Heartless is the name of Paul & Storm's classic rock cover band.

To the tune of Windy (with apologies to The Association)

Who is the red head, Hollywood starlet?
Living a life that's consequence free.

Who keeps tequila in the Mercedes?

Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

Who hasn't made a good flick since Mean Girls?

Who's making Paris and Brittney look sane?

Who's room in rehab has a bartender?

Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

And Lindsay has bloodshot eyes

Give Lindsay some Biggie Fries

Cause Lindsay has two big thighs

And a spoon up her nose

A spoon up her nose

A spoon up her nose

That's where it goes

Who took a spin when she had been drinking?

Who had a pocket filled with cocaine?

Who's headed for some time in the pokey?

Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

Who maybe should have hired a driver?

Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

These Shoes Are Made For Walking

I know they have distressed jeans, distressed hats and even faux distressed sweatshirts.

They need to start selling distressed Air Jordans. While my new kicks are swell, they look too new.

I want some shoes that look like His Airness has already played in them.

And I'd like to have them already be broken in. Cause if you're running errands in blinding white shoes, you really ought to be wearing black socks up to your knees and plaid shorts hiked up to your nipples. That's always a good look. Even better if you're an older gentleman.

Is there a good way to break in shoes that doesn't require breaking your feets? I usually just wear them around the house. I don't understand how sitting around watching tv breaks in shoes, but that usually works for me.

Getting My Kicks Off Route 66

Many thanks to all for the nice words about my BIL. It was a really weird time. It wasn't a funeral, it wasn't a memorial, it wasn't a wake, it wasn't a party. There's no noun I can think of for sitting around with strangers who were acquaintances of someone you were related to by marriage. There's got to be a sniglet for this kind of event. I shook so many hands of people I didn't care about, that could probably run for mayor.

While I haven't attended many funerals (probably only 3), I did realize some things:

1) A great way to kill any conversation you don't want to have is to tell the speakee that you're travelling for a funeral. I'm using this on every plane I ever take again.

2) My brothers will never get along.

3) My parents continue to shrink. I think they're going to implode and just vanish at some point in the future.

4) Robert Montgomery Knight (also getting screwed on his flight in the Minneapolis airport) is bigger in person than he appears on tv but sounds exactly like he does on tv. Yes, my brush with greatness. I figure he was headed to Bozeman, MT for a little fishing and not a recruiting trip.

5) The graffiti at the bar I used to go to is still great. My favorite was "Don't let me get naked and don't let me start a tab." That's good advice, kids.

6) If you're having to "play a zone" while on the plane, you should be driving. "Playing a zone" is when the kids outnumber the parents. You can't cover them one on one, so you've got to go zone.

7) When did the airline industry become so cash-strapped that they figured the $2 they could get for a can of Pringles would put them over the top? I didn't see many takers either. If they're going to charge $5 for an alcoholic beverage, there really ought to be naked people on the plane.

And while I was gone on the death run, I did get my my swell new Air Jordan kicks. Mars Blackmon and Turtle ain't got nothing on me.

I'll bet I can dunk again. As far as you know.

Lesser Known Tucson Facts

I had forgotten that in 'Zona's Southern Capitol, there are some strange things going on.

1) There are an abundance of shitty, little apartments because of the school and the Air Force base.

2) If you are a realtor, you have more clients than actual houses to sell in Tucson.

3) If you're in a bar and your shirt says "DOUCHE" on the front, of course it will say "BAG" on the back.

4) The best restaurants are the ones where you're the only white guy and the menu is in Spanish.

5) It's a dry heat; even if it is 105 F. You're oven on "LOW" is also a dry heat.

6) Old people can't drive. No matter what state they're in.

7) "I drink to make other people interesting" will always be my motto. Thank you Bob Dobb.

8) Your city should have more than 4 streets than run North to South.

9) If it's 80 degrees when you wake up, you're going to need antiperspirant for your balls.

10) When it rains in the desert, it'll be fun when you sit outside. Even if you aren't afraid of lightning.

To Scotty G

I don't like to talk about my family that often. First, they're crazy. Second, you don't know them. And stories about people you don't know make me bored when I have to listen to them. So bail if you want to now.....

But sometimes this here blog isn't about my adventures fighting crime or boobies or the non-relative crazies in Ohio. So this one is for me. Yeah, just like most of the jokes.

My brother in law just passed away. He was pretty fucked up from a long illness and had a bleeding esophagus that they couldn't repair. So he went into Hospice Care on Tuesday and was gone in less than a day. So for a memorial service, I'm going back to 'Zona, 'Zona, 'Zona. I'm going back to 'Zona. I really think so.

And because you never knew my BIL Scotty G, here's a few stories that may help you get him.

He coined the phrase "The Outlaws" for all the poor people who made the poor choice to marry into our family. At family gatherings, he used to take all the in-laws together for a quick beverage. The Outlaws tended not to understand how a euchre game can dissolve into a shouting match, cursing, new partners and still be a great time.

Once we rented a houseboat on Lake Powell. We had beached it for the afternoon and were sitting on deck. One fly kept annoying us. Scotty kept trying to swat it and missing. I explained to him that fly eyes are so complex and their brains are so small that if he wanted to catch it, he needed to put his hands on both sides of its head with two piece of Kleenex and they'd just vapor lock. He ignored Mr. Science's advice and continued to swat at the fly ineffectually. I finally got up, got two paper towels, approached the fly like I'd told him and killed it on the first try. His response, "Fucking college kids."

During one family gathering, we had some wine, but no one had brought an opener. Scotty swore that if you wrapped a towel around a bottle and hit it at just the right angle, the cork would shoot down into the bottle and you could drink it. Two shots to a supporting pillar later, the bottle broke and wine spilled all over the deck. Scotty's response, "Why don't you people just drink rum & coke like I do?"

When Scotty owned his own business, he named it Scott Free Enterprises, Extremely Limited.

He used to call everyone "Chief" when he didn't know someone's name. This was especially amusing when we were driving through Arizona and asked for directions. Seeing Scotty's face as he realized he just called a Native American woman Chief was priceless.

It was a lot easier typing these stories than it will be telling them while choaking back the tears at the memorial service. Bye, Scotty. I'll miss you.

Cleavalicious

As the self-proclaimed Poet Laureate for the Cleavacious Adjustable Bra, please enjoy this latest bastardization edition. Remember kids, great art (shut it) isn't meant to be read. It's meant to be performed. So feel free to bust this one out for your office mates. I'm sure they'll thank you for it. And you're on your own for the choreography.....

Cleavalicious (to the "tune," such as it is, of Fergalicious)

Listen up kids,
Cuz this be it
The song that I'm stealin'
Is Cleavalicious.

Cleavalicious definition make them boys go loco
Want chest treasure
So they get their pleasures from my demo
You can see the girls,
Relaxing at day.
I ain't easy,
I ain't sleazy
But the girls are up at night.
When boys just want to play.

Cleavalicious (Clevalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
This chest ain't fictitious
I just adjust it (lifting)
That shows the girls off rock, rock
And they be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

Cleavalicious (They're hot, hot)
Cleavalicious (I put the girls up rock, rock)
Cleavalicious (they wanna see what I got)
Cleavalicious (l-l-l-l-l- lusty busty)

Cleavalicious def-, Cleavalicious def-, Cleavalicious def- [def fading echo]
Cleavalicious definition not about where the Browns play
They always claim they know me
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey Stacy)
I'm the K to the A, R, E the Y the W
And can't no other lady invent it like me

I'm Cleavalicious (so delicious)
My body stay auspicious

Don't go to the doctor for a chest that is judicious

Be my witness (oooh wee)

I put yo' bra on rock rock
And boys be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So auspicious (It's hot, hot)
So auspicious (I put them up rock, rock)
So auspicious (Boyz wanna see what I got)
Cleavalicious (strap strap strap strap strap up, check it out)

Baby, baby, baby
If you really wanna boy
Honey get this new bra
And then he'll be your toy
You'll look tasty, tasty,
It's not lined with lacey
You'll look so tasty, tasty,
It'll make him crazy.

C to the H to the E S T Y girl you chesty,
B to the U to the S T and Y girl you busty
D to the E to the L I C I O U S,
to the D to the E to the, to the, to the, hit it

Whenever I lift them up
Always brothas come close up
Always looking at my cup and down
Checking out my (uuhh)
I just wanna show them now
I ain't tryin to cause a scene know what I mean
I don't wanna take your man
And I know I'm comin off just a little bit stuck up
And I keep on repeating how the girls gonna lift up
But I'm tryin' to tell,
That I'll be treated like a bombshell
Cuz' they say she

Cleavalicious (So propitious)
But I ain't promiscuous
While raisins are nutritious
This chest ain't fictitious
I just adjust it (heft)
That shows the girls off rock, rock
And they be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (got, got, got)

Four, tres, two, uno
My body stay auspicious
Even though these lyrics
Are quite repetitious (ooh wee)
I lift the girls up rock rock
And they be coming down the block
Just to see what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So Cleavalicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So Cleavaliciou (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So Cleavalicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Cleavalicious, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch chesty, chesty
It's so delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So repetitious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
And pernicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Cleavalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (aye, aye, aye, aye)

K to the A to the R E Y and W
Girl you smart,
K to the A, to the R E Y and W
Girl you impart
K to the A to the R E Y and W
Chest work of art

K to the A, to, R E Y and W

Not so hasty

K to the A, to the, to the (four, tres, two, uno)

Least I can spell tasty.

Please pity me for how many times I had to listen to that song on You Tube. And be glad I pitied you and didn't embed it. Mea culpa indeed.

Girls Gone Nationwide

I've written previously, lobbied for, and even waxed poetic about the greatest bra in the world, the Cleavacious. And yes, that is the best interactive product demonstration ever at their web site.

You may remember the adjustable Cleavacious. As one verbally gifted user said, "I love the fact I have the option - during the day you keep the girls in, and at night you break them out." As I'm not a personal user, I'll have to take her (and many anonymous commenters) word for it in the absence of photographic proof of people "breaking them out."

Flack & Proud recently got an update from the Best Inventor in the World, Karey Weyenberg about the amazing, adjustable Cleavacious bra.

It's now available online at Jaque Pennay, in New York at Macy's in, in California at Bloomingdales, in Chicago at Lord and Taylor. Next week the Cleavacious conquers Boston. In fact Karey even emailed me with the following:

I want to let you know that back in the day I really appreciated your "support" at a time when I needed an "uplift." I pray our product "blossoms."

Hey, Karey, I make the lame boobie jokes 'round these parts.

Now let me bounce another great idea off of you. You've heard of the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. How 'bout the Cleavacious Winnebago? We can help educate the 85% of the female population who wear the wrong sized bra.

I'll drive around the country handing out Cleavacious bras and compile my "research" of before and after pictures and personal stories about how the Cleavacious changed women's lives. It'll be like a Extreme Makeover Breasticle Edition. And people can show how much they love their magic Cleavacious bra by showing it to the Winnebago when it comes to your neighborhood!

There's got to be some way I can horn in on this because Cleavacious Poet Laureate hasn't really taken off like I thought it would.

Keep On Truckin'

If you've got 30 large burning a hole in your pantaloons, feel free to go make a big on Tony Soprano's SUV. Cereal, it's available over on eBay.

You might think it's all fun and games to drive Big Tony's former ride. But there are some quirks to the vehicle:

• CD stops before completion of any Journey song
• Interior smells of cigar smoke
• Driving a former Mob Boss's car is probable cause so you're going to need good truck accident lawyer to get you out of all those scrapes with the Jersey Polices
• Trunk smells like corpse and has mysterious "mud stains"
• Some bullet holes in driver's rear quarter panel
• Plenty of head room for the girls from the Bada Bing
• Numerous spaghetti sauce stains on upholstery
• Various bullet casings under carpeting
• Car shimmies when going faster than 90 from when he ran that guy down
• Shotgun blasts in ceiling are not technically an after market "moon roof"
• Trunk can be opened from the inside
• Explosive devices occasionally discovered underneath chassis
• Pieces of Phil Leotardo's brain stuck in tread of right front tire
• A.J. will consistently ask to borrow it
• Steering wheel doesn't feel right without a pinky ring

Head over and get bidding kids. I want to cruise down to the Stone Pony in style.

Spinning Wheel

In England, 51 year old bachelor Robert Stewart has been accused of having sex with his bicycle while staying in a hostel. This is actually part of the plot for Hostel 3: Further Degradation?

Mister Man claims he was intoxicated and it was all just a misunderstanding. He thought the bike was at least 18 years old. I don't think this is the kind of bike riding you're supposed to do if you want to get into shape.

While I'll leave the "technical matters" of exactly how one has sex with a bicycle (try getting that out of your head the rest of the day) to the perverted imaginations of the interwebs, there's a lot of unresolved questions in this story.

1) Does he have to register as a sex offender?
2) Must he live at least 500 yards from any bike shops?
3) Is he technically a pedalphile?
4) Was the bike asking for it with that loose chain?
5) Is he prevented from attending the Tour de Drugs France?

6) Is his favorite movie Breaking Away or Pee Wee's Big Adventure?

7) Does the sound of a bell ringing arouse him?

8) Was it a men's bike or doesn't he swing that way?

9) Would a tandem bike make it a menage a trois?

10) Did he have to wear a helmet to make it safe sex?

11) Is he allowed to visit his training wheels without supervision?

12) Did he lock up the bike or isn't he into S&M?

13) Does he have a tattoo saying Schwin?

14) If he rides a unicycle, does that count as self-pleasure?

15) Was he wearing something white at night?

There may be more, but that should get you started.

Movin' Right Along

I couldn't help but notice as I ran to the local Target (that's pronounced tar-zhay), that the assbag in front of me had a mattress on his car roof. Now, that's not a site that's completely unusual in this here nape of the woods. It could have been worse; he could have had Century furniture flimsily secured to the top of his car.

But he also had his hand out of his window and appeared to be holding onto the mattress. And even though we were in a 45 mph zone, he was doing a stately 30.

It wasn't completely unsecured. He did have what appeared to be one bungie cord around it. Which he may have been holding onto with this other hand because it appeared as if he was driving with his knees as he veered back and forth erratically.

I wondered to myself what type of Mattress Emergency would have required him to immediately move this piece of a box springs set. Maybe he was some kind of superhero with lame powers like Matter Eating Lad? But instead he was Mattress Man and wherever unwanted house guests were, he'd be there. Drunks on the floor? Use the Mattressignal and Mattress Man will swing into action with his 1987 Plymouth Reliant K car.

Now I will confess that my experience with driving with a load not properly tied down is limited to John Cusack's classic delivery of that line in The Sure Thing. I minded my own business and did not attempt to engage in any vigilante justice up to and including a Citizen's Arrest.

So it was not completely expected to me that when our Intrepid Driver attempted to make a left turn, the mattress spilled out onto the pavement. And because I had the top down and couldn't control my laughter, I was a bit surprised when he gave me the finger.

Yup, I'm the assbag for laughing at you. It's not the One Hand One Bungie moving method that deserved derision. Mea culpa, Mattress Man.

Hot Stove, Cool Music

While some people are off gallivanting, some of us are stuck in our house waiting for the Appliance Man to show up.

Wife and I have one of those swell stoves with no burners and no range hoods. That's because the people who owned this house before us were loaded and couldn't possibly be bothered with anything except the latest appliances.

And those appliances are swell until they bust.

All that glass on top of the stove cracks from thermal heating and then you need to contact NASA for the part. And apparently they ship a glass stove top without any padding and are surprised when it shows up busted. Glass breaks? Who knew? So then you get to request the part again which adds another week to the process.

I think the best part is that they let you know they'll be at your house between either 8 and 12 or 1 and 5. You've got to agree that a 4 hour range is pretty big. I'm not sure why they just don't tell you the time will be "When We Freaking Feel Like Showing Up."

Would you ever accept that answer from anyone else? If your best friend told you they'd meet you somewhere for dinner and it would be between 5 and 9, you'd tell them to go to hell. But you have to take it from these guys. Just like you had to take care of the broken counter top that showed up and that they wouldn't even haul away. But you have to take it from the Appliance Guys because there's nothing you can do.

Nothing except order a third counter top and see how much you can get for it on eBay.

Reuinited and it Feels So Bad

I completely missed that the Spice Girls are getting back together. That's probably due to clean living, but I've must not have been clean enough. They're currently planning on doing 14 whole shows. Wow, I guess I forgot that there are only 14 cities on the entire globe.

I can't remember who's in the Spice Girls. I know there's Posh, Scary, Sporty, Old, Chlamydia, Oregano and I think Preggers. Those girls aren't really my scene, so I may be wrong on a few of those.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. No Spice Girls reunion tour.

Did anyone actually see the Spice Girls movie? I mean the theatrical release not just the sex tapes. Okay, I don't know if they really had sex tapes, but would you be surprised if they did?

Despite this being a washed up and milking it reunion tour, there are several ideas to help make it more successful.

• Add Rob Van Winkle to the bill and make it the Nice Ice Spice Baby Tour.
• Additional Spice girls named Marjoram, Chipotle and Saffron added to band (no, they won't be able to play any instruments either)
• To appeal to older audience, add a grrl named Tapioca
• To enhance Grrl Power, show will be solar powered and sponsored by Toyota Prius
• Alan Cumming forced to donate entire salary from Spice Girls movie
• Anyone with a stub from Spice World gets in free (yes, I realize that's a two-fer on the Spice Girls movie, but there really can't be enough jokes made about that film)
• All male audience attendees (both of them) will be subjected to DNA testing to determine if they are Sporty's baby's Daddy
• To appeal to Spanish-speaking audiences, the band will be billed as The Female Menudo
• Groupies greatly enjoy receiving oral sex from Spice girls as it means 10 minutes they can't be singing

And finally, the difference between pornography and the Spice Girls? Pornography has better music.

Ground Control to Major Tom

According to a Nasatastic report that's not due to be released until tomorrow, the space administration allowed astronauts to fly two times despite their heavy use of alcohol within 12 hours of launch. The report won't be released until tomorrow but maybe they'll name names.

Who do these astronauts think they are--Northwest pilots?

Now I can understand the stress of sitting on a hunk of metal built by folks who submitted the lowest bid and based upon a design that has exploded before. I might want to sneak off for a bracer prior to strapping into the gigantic fuel tank that flies like a brick.

But I'd be worried about filling up my bag in flight because I have a bladder the size of a walnut. And if you think it was bad trying to get your dad to pull over at a Stuckey's on the family trip, that's got to be nothing on getting the Commander to let you leak out the back of the window on a shuttle.

What kind of drink do you think a shuttle crew member goes for?

• Flying Dutchman
• Blue Moon
• Iron Butterfly
• Shoot to the Moon
• Rocket Fuel
• Flaming Blow Job
• Space Odyssey
• Falling Star
• Purple Problem Solver (for when Houston calls)
• Florida
• Moonlight Drive
• Space Suds
• Blue Moon beer
• Soul Taker
• Lemon Lift
• Hairy Armpit (because you know hygiene has to suffer up on that international space station)

You've got to think you go into any bar on the Florida coast and drop the Shuttle member vibe and you're going to drink for free and probably score.

"Yeah, babe. I'll call you tomorrow. If I come back alive. I guess we've always got tonight though." You're in there with that tale of danger, Rocketman.

All of the above are actual drinks. You can check the interwebs if you don't believe me.

Branching Out

In addition to my new, swell online store, I'm going to branch out and offer some additional services to certain clients.

First, we'll slap some keen business collaboration software up on the store site as well. Luckily it's free for the first 30 days and will integrate with the backend system I don't have yet. Well, actually we have a sneakernet. It's like ethernet, but we just run around in our sneakers to fill all the orders.

Second, this software will allow us to work directly with our celebrity clients and offer special services tailored directly to their individual needs.

These needs seem to be chiefly:

• sober drivers (Yes, even if it's late at night, you're coked up and chasing your soon to be former publicist)
• child care services (including proper use of child seat restraints)
• adoption services (any country or ethnicity)
• media distractions
• providing clean urine and/or blood samples
• claiming the drugs were ours and not our celebrity client's
• keeping a straight face during implausible explanations of outrageous behavior (like tripping over your dog)
• unconditional verbal support including but not limited to "Great job, boss!" and "You're much more talented than she is"

There may be more needs but we draw the line at drug and ho procurement services. Others already have that market saturated.

Kick Ass Barbeque

Now for the purposes any law enforcement authorities who may be reading this, I don't advocate lawlessness. I certainly understand it, but would never advocate or participate in such activities.

As far as you know.

But some scofflaws in Adelaide, Australia made off with $7000 of meat.

And because the local constabulary found broken tail lights on the ground, they postulate that the criminals backed a car into the doors to force them open. That butcher should have been using an SD card for security. Or a vegetarian dog.

Why do I think this was a crime of opportunity? I see some drunk guys driving around and deciding they want something to eat. No burger joints are open so they decide to grab some meat and fire it up on the barbie. The grill not the doll.

And now you know the cops are going to be on the lookout for some hot meat. Or a really overstocked Schwan's truck.

These guys can't be too stupid. At least they got away with the goods. For now. Until some jealous neighbor squeals like a pig on them for not sharing all that rich bacony goodness. You know someone will want to be cut in on the caper and muscle in on the action.

My Store

In an effort to get out from under The Man, I've decided to open my own swell interweb store.

I figure all I need is some shopping cart software and some high end, ethereal, spurious merchandise to let the masses consume. Obviously this will be very exclusive merch that not just anyone can afford.

Here's a look at my initial inventory:

• Lindsay Lohan Defensive Driving Course
• Joe Pesci's Guide to Anger Management
• Paris Hilton's Favorite Bible Stories DVD (shot in night vision green)
• Tammy Faye Bakker Makeover (too soon? I don't have much tolerance for televangelists who use Jesus to steal. I'm sure I'll see her in Hell when I get there)
• Maddona's Elocution and Foreign Diction Lessons
• Michael Vick's Puppy Training Class
• Tim Donaghy's Wealth Management System (he's the NBA ref allegedly tied to organized crime and point shaving. Again, that's allegedly for my Italian American cousins.
• Donald Trump's Self-Esteem Improvement Course
• Tom Cruise Public Relations Seminar
• Don King "Volume Builder" Shampoo
• Phil Spector Conditioner
• Tom Sizemore Career Management Strategy
• International Space Station Oxygen

Now I just need a good name for the store. I was going to go with Amazon because that's my favorite river, but apparently someone already has that. Who knew?

Feel free to suggest store names or any additional items I should stock.

Dear John Letter

Dear John:

This is hard for me. I'm trying to be objective, but where you're concerned, I'll always have trouble.

I always stop when One Crazy Summer (including last night and I like to think you got to hit that pre-implant Demi Moore) or Better Off Dead is on cable. I want my two dollars is a common saying. I know way too much about the black Camaro Monique helped you fix up. I bought Tapeheads because that was the only way to see it. I saw Anastasia just because you were a voice.

That kind of foolish devotion, should give me the right to ask one question:

What the hell happened to you?

Where's the cute, quirky, off-beat funny kid I had my first man crush on from The Sure Thing?

Two horror movies in a row? Did you have some kind of falling out with your agent? I don't care if you are in 1408 with the coolest motherfucker on the planet, you can't follow up Identity with another horror flick. Even if Stephen King did write the short story it's based on.

C'mon, Lloyd Dobler. Where's the underdog, unconventional hero we all fell in love with? Even when you were stealing scenes from Rob Lowe and Anthony Michael Hall, it was obvious you were destined for greatness.

You get a free pass for Serendipity because you just wanted to work with Mr. Piven. But Must Love Dogs? Even if you do get Diane Lane in the end, it couldn't have been worth it. If you have to go Leading Man for the cash, don't do it formulaic. Remember Gross Pointe Blank? You can do Leading Man and action. You stole Con Air. Playing a cop no less.

And don't get me started on America's Sweethearts. But if I could get paid to be Catherine Zeta-Jones's former lover, I might have to do it even if the script sucked. And I like to think that you hit that during High Fidelity.

I'm sorry no one saw Max. But, c'mon, Private Gibson, how popular did you think a movie about Hitler was going to be? One that wasn't a musical anyway.

I cut you slack even though you seemingly get rained on in every movie. Say Anything was set in Seattle so that's understandable. Isn't it getting a little cliche not to mention miserable to film? You break up and then get rained on while you stand in the street and pine for the girl. We get it. You're feeling low. Lose the rain machine next time.

Did you peak too soon? Grifters and Being John Malkovich are hard to top. Maybe you're just going commercial to raise some cash for a pet project you've got going ala Medellin? Maybe that's it, call Piv for a quick role in Entourage.

Please, John, come back to us. Do something deep and funny and great again. A little angst, a little self doubt, some nuanced acting and a few wisecracks and you'll be back on top. You've still got it in you.

I hope.

Word Work

I never knew you could get paid for blogging through a service called Smorty.

This is just gravy as far as I'm concerned. I've seen plenty of sites with advertising on them. And I've always questioned how effective it was. Other than making some money for Google and some pennies for the blogger of course. I've never been personally familiar with a company that advertised just on blogs.

But Smorty just lets you write a simple post and gives you some coin. Pretty easy actually. So if it seems like I'm writing about weird stuff, I am. But then you're probably used to just reading about Guinness the Wonder Dog (not to be confused with the upcoming Underdog), boobies, crazy people in Ohio, boobies and other goofy stuff.

So think of this as a change of pace. A change up from the usual goofy stuff I throw at you.

Don't worry, I won't completely sell out. But then I've practiced law and done public relations, so really, there's not much I wouldn't do for some cash money. But I'll never pull the Alex Trebeck life insurance thing.

Worth a Thousand Words

Does anyone own one of those digital picture frames? I don't know anyone who owns one but that may be because I know a lot of geeks. They've just got pix on their computers or their wall paper or their screen saver.

One of the tricks one of my buddies used to do was whenever someone was presenting in a business meeting and started to jabber so long that their screen saver came on and it was a picture of their kids, he'd pipe up and say something along the lines of "Who's that ugly kid?" For some reason, the presenter parent never really seemed to think that was very funny. Wonder why?

But I digress. As usual.

I think the reason I don't have a digital frame is that I don't really like pictures that much. Oh, sure they're swell when they're on your My Space page and you're holding up pumpkins to your breasts, but once you make the Miss America pageant, they get leaked and then you've got a real PR problem on your hands. Or chest as it were. Yes, Miss New Jersey. I'm talking to you.


Plus, Wife and I seem to have no good pictures of ourselves. When we go someplace on vacation, we're usually looking to get away from people. So that when we finally find something goofy to take a picture of, it's only one of us in it. Or it's just a picture of a sign that doesn't make sense or is mis-spelled or warns of impending lava flows.

Digital cameras are great. Because everyone is too lazy to actually print out the photos so you're never stuck looking at someone else's vacation photos. I'm old enough to remember when my Pop used to bust out the slide projector and we'd get stuck looking at all those old vacation photos. Ugh. Man, my sibs looked miserable in all those photos. Thank goodness the parents got that driving wanderlust out of their system before I was around. Pop tells such romantic sounding stories about how they stayed at rustic camprounds all the way from Ohio to California. And those photos of the flash flood in Nevada and having to stop the car on the highway at a highspot and watching the water start to cover the road below them really sounds like a great time.

I also can't imagine giving a digital photo frame to someone with pictures of yourself in it. That's a pretty healthy self-image if you go that route. I know you're enamored of me, but when I'm not around, you can look at all these various poses of me. Try to restrain yourself. If you do something like that, you probably also refer to yourself in the third person.

The concept of a digital frame is a great one. Anyone pulled it off successfully? Giving it or getting it?