Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I Don't Think This Is What They Mean By "Ladies Night" aka It's good to be the king

The King of Swaziland (a country with a population of just over a million and slightly smaller than New Jersey) is currently exercising his divine right and picking a new bride. Yup, it's the annual Topless Virgin Parade. I'm not making this up, kids. It's true.

Yes, after an 8 day parade of topless virgins, King Mswati III selects one to be his next bride. This will make an even baker's dozen. Yup, that's hizzoner right there.

Now I don't want to get off on a tangent here, but picking your wife from a parade doesn't seem like the most practical approach to take. But I'm sure those previous 12 picks are all working out fine for Mswati.

I don't know if it's really a celebration of girl power or it's yet another example of the exploitation of women in some bassackwards Third World Country. But let me point out a few facts:

  • Swaziland is an absolute monarchy
  • An estimated 40% of the adult population in Swaziland is infected with Aids (that's tops in the world kids)

I'm sure this Virgin Parade which is a celebration of chastity is intended as a means to combat aids. If you're chaste, you can't get infected, right? But if you're poor and oppressed, what else is there for you to do? Florida is currently experiencing a baby boom from last year's significant hurricane season. It's human nature.

But there is hope, Swaziland's new constitution allows a woman to refuse to comply with customs they don't agree with. Customs like requiring a widow to marry her brother-in-law. Ah, that's progress.

How's that Swaziland Space Program coming?

But seriously, if you're wanting to be taken seriously, you can't name your organization SMEGWA. That's the Swaziland Media Gender Watch.

And the worst part of all this, I've got "Ladies Night" stuck in my head now.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Naughty British Places

There's a book coming out with some of the most naughty sounding places in Britian.

That link is just so ya'll see that I'm not making this up. I can't resist publishing the entire list:

100 Jeffries Passage, Surrey
99 Prince Albert Court, Surrey
98 Nork Rise, Surrey
97 Brown Willy, Cornwall
96 Great Tosson, Northumberland
95 Trump Street, London
94 St. Mellons, Cardiff
93 Percy Passage, London
92 Booty Lane, North Yorkshire
91 Nether Wallop, Hampshire
90 Honeypot Lane, Leicestershire
89 Mudchute, London
88 Juggs Close, East Sussex
87 Cockermouth Green, Newcastle
86 Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire
85 Cock and Bell Lane, Suffolk
84 Little Bushey Lane, Hertfordshire
83 Titlington Mount, Northumberland
82 Slippery Lane, Staffordshire
81 Hooker Road, Norwich
80 Cumloden Court, Dumfries and Galloway
79 Tinkerbush Lane, Oxfordshire
78 Ugley, Essex
77 Pratts Bottom, Kent
76 Ramsbottom Lane, Greater Manchester
75 Prickwillow, Cambridgeshire
74 Old Sodbury, Gloucestershire
73 Upper Dicker, East Sussex
72 Swell, Somerset 71 Bladda, Paisley
70 Snatchup, Hertfordshire
69 Spital in the Street, Lincolnshire
68 Shingay cum Wendy, Buckinghamshire
67 Pump Alley, Middlesex
66 Old Sodom Lane, Wiltshire
65 Long Lover Lane, Halifax
64 East Breast, Inverclyde
63 Dicks Mount, Suffolk
62 Staines , Surrey
61 Crapstone, Devon
60 Three Cocks, Powys
59 Feltwell, Norfolk
58 Pant, Shropshire
57 Balls Cross, West Sussex
56 Ogle Close, Merseyside
55 Friars Entry, Oxfordshire
54 North Piddle, Worcestershire
53 Mincing Lane, London
52 Bottoms Fold, Lancashire
51 Backside Lane, Oxfordshire
50 Winkle Street, Southampton
49 Wham Bottom Lane, Lancashire
48 Upperthong, West Yorkshire
47 Tosside, Lancashire
46 The Furry, Cornwall
45 Lower Swell, Gloucestershire
44 Lickers Lane, Merseyside
43 Honey Knob Hill, Wiltshire
42 Boghead, Ayrshire
41 The Bush, Buckinghamshire
40 Hill o'Many Stanes, Scotland
39 Grope Lane, Shropshire
38 Willey, Warwickshire
37 Happy Bottom, Dorset
36 Feltham Close, Hampshire
35 The Knob, Oxfordshire
34 Menlove Avenue, Liverpool
33 Titty Ho, Northamptonshire
32 Crotch Cresent, Oxfordshire
31 Blairmuckhole & Forestdyke road, Lanarkshire
30 Pant-y-Felin Road, Swansea
29 Beef Lane, Oxfordshire
28 Merkins Avenue, West Dumbartonshire
27 Pork Lane, Essex 26 Moisty Lane, Staffordshire
25 Wetwang, East Yorkshire
24 Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
23 Swallow Passage, London
22 Lickey End, Worcestershire
21 Bitchfield, Lincolnshire
20 Spanker Lane, Derbyshire
19 Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire
18 Lickfold, West Sussex
17 Dick Court, Lanarkshire
16 Beaver Close, Surrey
15 Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire
14 Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire
13 Inchinnan Drive, Renfrewshire
12 Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire
11 Hole of Horcum, North Yorkshire
10 Slag Lane, Merseyside
9 Shitterton, Dorset
8 Back Passage, London
7 Fingringhoe, Essex
6 Muff, Northern Ireland
5 Sandy Balls, Hampshire
4 Twatt, Orkney
3 Bell End, Birmingham
2 Minge Lane, Worcestershire
1 Cocks, Cornwall

I'm not certain where I'd like to visit more--#33 Titty Ho or #25 Wet Wang.

Save Our Summer

Man, where was this when I was in school? Someone has some parents buffaloed. I know my parents were more than ready for me to go back to school by the end of summer.

I'm not certain how legit that is, but if it's on the interweb, it must be true. My guess is that someone in the tourism industry had a good idea to make more moolah.

Personally, I think the 'lil anklebiters should be in school year 'round. That way they might actually learn some science and math and keep us from falling behind other countries.

And they won't be in my way when I only have 45 mins to shop for DVD's and eat while at the mall during lunch hour.

I may need to start a Save Our Football Season movement. It's way too short.

Dead Dog & Provo

If you lost your puppy and you've recently been in Provo, the city wants to talk to you. Do you own one of those hooks used to remove manhole covers? Hmmmm, extremely suspicious if you ask me. Must be the shift eyes.

My favorite quote: "We're like the hurricane victims."

Um, no. You do have raw sewage coming out of your toilet, but you still have a house. And when everything is cleaned up, you'll still be in Provo.

Ah, Provo. Where the women are women and the men are too.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Madden '06

I used some of my birthday Best Buy gift card loot to buy the new Madden '06 game.

Man is that thing realistic. The game is so realistic that Terrell Owens even complains about his contract!

You knew I just couldn't let it go completely.....

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Bad Sign

Is it a bad sign that after decorating my office with black balloons and Aqua Teen Hunger Force blow ups, my co-workers bought me a South Park magnetic dartboard, a Darth Tater and a Best Buy gift card so I can buy video games?

When they gave it to me, they said that Darth would be worth more if I didn't open the package.

Yeah, like I'm going to pull a 40 year old virgin and not open it. Please, you buy toys to play with them for crying out loud.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Comment Spammers

I recently got comment spammed. And they got me good. 9 times, Mrs. Buehler. 9 times.

If they were more creative than making every comment spam from Anonymous, someone might actual fall for this crap.

I wish the comment spammers were as creative about thinking up something new as they are about ruining what we have. I mean, they're showing some initiative here. They just need to be channeled a bit more. Kind of like me in school. And work. And my personal life.

I mean they didn't even think up any different celebs to be on Christopher Walken's Cabinet. It was just click here, go here, ENJOY WINE, blah, blah, blah. If they were on topic, that'd be really scary. Oh well, that's why we have the trash button on the comments. Buh bye, anonymous.

That'll teach me to wish for more comment traffic.

Well the only option on the interweb to prevent spam comments is to turn on the word verification software. Sorry, kids. Even more work than thinking is required to comment now.

What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules. Thank you , Eric Stratton.

Christopher Walken's Cabinet (Redux)

If you haven't heard about it or haven't seen it, some guy has started a site called Christopher Walken for President in 2008.

I'm guessing that's because the character Christopher Walken plays in Wedding Crashers is the Secretary of the Treasury. As the real Secretary of the Treasury is John Snow, you'll understand why Walken is a much more likely candidate. Yup, that Johhny Boy on the right there.

And while it'd be fun to riff on potential Walken campaign slogans, I'm going to zag. Okay, one quickie slogan just off the top of my head. "I can't're not voting... for me." Trust me, I do a killer impression.

Anyway, on to Chistopher Walken's Cabinet when he's elected.

Agriculture: Woody Harrelson Hey, he's all about growing a nice crop.

Commerce: Joe Pesci For someone who's not been in that many movies, he seems like he's doing okay at making money. He must have something on the ball. He's in charge of commerce now.

Defense: Samuel L. Jackson. Because he's the baddest mutha on the planet.

Education: (thanks to Kim for pointing out my oversight. I'm blaming the onset of college football season and my soon to be near the bottom of the Big 10 er 11 alma mater for the freudian slip) While Michelle Pfeifer isn't a bad call, Dangerous Minds doesn't make her any more qualified that Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver or even Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society. So I'm going to completely zag and go with Gabe Kaplan. Mr. Kotter is my favorite teacher plus he can all those kids to be useful members of society and do something to give back to the nation--like playing online poker all day.

Interior: George Hamilton. I swear he looks like he's never been outside, but has the best tan in the world.

Justice: Sam Waterston. With all that time on Law & Order, he must have picked up something about the law.

Labor: Paris Hilton because you know she'll never do an honest day's work in her entire life.

Energy: Quentin Tarantino. Who has more energy than Q? Of course it all may be due to Bolivian Marching Powder. Allegedly.

Health & Human Services: Jane Seymour. Who would you trust with your health more than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?

Homeland Security: Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is as close as he gets to the White House. Plus he has all that experience fighting terrorists in True Lies.

State: Ving Rhames. Who's going to start a war with us if you have to negotiate with Ving? Even badder than Samuel L. Don't tell him though.

Transporation: John Travolta. He's got the plane and everything. Maybe let him fly Air Force One for a reward on long weekends.

Treasury: Larry David. He's got more money than God.

Veteran's Affairs: Yes, this really is a cabinet post. Jennifer Aniston. She needs to meet a nice serviceman and settle down. Stay away from actors, you can't trust them.

Housing & Urban Development: Steve Buscemi. I've got a feeling he can help you if you need some development done. You know what I'm saying, wise guy? Again, allegedly.

And yes, I'm too lazy to do the Vice President, Chief of Staff, Office of Management and Budget, Trade Representative, EPA Chief or Drug Tzar.

Monday, August 22, 2005

How To Get Down From a Horse

When I saw a headline with the terms "Madonna" and "horse" in it, that's not how I thought it was going to turn out. I'm just saying....

Too bad the fall didn't fix that gap between her teeth. I really like the fake accent though. You're from Bay City, Michigan. Get over yourself already.

Luckily, she's got the Kabbalah to turn to for comfort. A good orthapedic surgeon might not hurt either.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Never Trust Lawyers Who Say "Amen"

The first Vioxx trial just finished. Merck got fucked. The jury awarded the widow of a 59 year old man 253.4 million dollars. I'm kind of wondering how they got to the 3.4 million part.

"Is 250 million enough?"

"No, add another 3.4 million and we're out of here."

Now, don't get me wrong. Merck must have messed something up, but is a 59 year old guy worth more than 250 million dollars?

I'm no shrinking violet, but I don't think I'm worth 250 million dollars. And I'm sure my wife, my boss and most of my clients would more than agree with that assessment. I'm struggling to think of who might be worth 250 million dollars. I know Terrell Owens isn't. HA! And you thought I'd let it go.

Now you know why attorneys forum shop and pick and choose where they file cases so they can get large verdicts. It works.

My favorite part of the story: Plaintiff Carol Ernst began to cry when the verdict was read while her attorneys jumped up and shouted, "Amen!"

I know I want to say "Jesus Christ" right now.

The good news is that those gospel-loving barristers are probably about 8.5 million dollars richer. Wow, I should have chased a few more ambulances when I practiced law.

This Headline Rocks

Now I know that a lot of newspaper headline writers get some flack every now and then. Here's one who is clearly doing a great job.

The headline? Gas Thief Escapes on Tricycle

It's true. I swear I'm not making this up.

Quote of the Week

For a change, it's not me saying something stupid. It's the college student in your group who has a year left before she gets her degree.

"Don't make fun of underpriviliged people; they get pissed."
--JB, our college student

Aptly put, JB, aptly put.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Farm Living Is The Life For Me

Single ladies, if you're looking for a hard-working farmer type, look no further.

It's true. Here's the proof.

My favorite quote: "I wouldn't place a personal ad in the paper. To me it seems desperate." Yeah, not at all like doing it in your field. That's classy.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Final TO Word

While I should probably be changing the name of this blog to "Hate," I've got to let it go. Steelers played the Eagles last night. Of course the TO contoversy was all over the game, especially as Hines Ward, Pittsburgh's hold out receiver had just reported to camp.

They took a poll on TO. Just 8% of the voters thought the Eagles should pay him more.

One great sign in the stands: TO: Shut Up and Play

Peter King over at Sports Illustrated goes on at length on TO. His quote:

Go back to the Eagles on Wednesday, T.O., shut that massive piehole, play football and try to prove to some of us who think you're the worst kind of problem with American sports today that we're wrong. Please.

Guess that's why he's the professional and I'm the hack. Although I do use "piehole" in everyday converstation quite a bit.

Okay, I'll through dirt on this TO thing, but I'm not making any promises here. That guy is just too big of an assbag.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Bill Clinton's Greatest Hits

Did you hear? Bill Clinton is putting out an album. Okay, it's not like it's him singing or not, but it's a collection of some of his favorite songs.

Here's some songs I'm betting we won't see on the album.
  • Devil With a Blue Dress On (Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels)
  • Have a Cigar (Pink Floyd)
  • Three Times a Lady (Lionel Richie)
  • Super Freak (Rick James)
  • We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off (Jermaine Stewart)
  • I'm Ready (Muddy Waters)
  • Psychobilly Freakout (Reverand Horton Heat)
  • Does Your Mother Know (Abba)
  • Bad to the Bone (George Thorogood)
  • Blowin' in the Wind (Bob Dylan)
  • I Touch Myself (Divynyls)
  • Hate Myself For Loving You (Joan Jett)
  • I Saw Her Standing There (The Beatles)

I'm sure there are others, but this was just off the top of my head.

Go nuts, kids.

Quote of the Week

I'm not a fan of the Detroit Lions. But I like NFL football and because they're my market team, I'm stuck watching them most whether I want to or not. With that explanation, here's the quote of the week:

"I think he's drafted extremely well. I think we've built a good foundation, all due to Matt's direction. I think we've built a good team, all due to Matt's direction."

-- Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, announcing the five year contract extension for club president and CEO Matt Millen.

Under Millen, the Lions are an NFL-worst 16-48 (including 3-29 on the road) in four years. During the Millen administration the Lions also set an NFL record by losing 24 straight road games for a span 3 years. Prior to being hired by Ford, Millen's only management NFL experience consisted of being an announcer with CBS and Fox.

I can't believe performance like that warrants a five year extention. How can I get a job working for Mr. Ford?

Friday, August 12, 2005

TO's Continued Assbaggery

As I was watching ESPN's SportCenter this morning, they were reporting on TO getting kicked out of practice for a week. My wife asked me why TO was on. And I yelled, literally yelled at the tv, "Because he's an ASSBAG!"

Why does this spoiled millionaire rile me so? Randy Moss doesn't enrage me this much. I don't know what it is about TO.

Here's the difference in the approach between the Coach Reid and TO. When Coach Reid was asked about the exchange that prompted him to eject TO, he said:

"I'll address him on Wednesday and that's between T.O. and myself," Reid said.

Owens, on the other hand, went on ESPN at halftime (with his agent of course) of last night's game and said that Reid told him to shut up.

"And I told him my name isn't Reid. My name is Owens. I'm not one of his kids. Don't tell me to shut up," Owens said.

My favorite part of the interview was when Chris Berman asked TO if he and Donovan McNabb could have still be successful together. While Dickclown Drew shook his head yes, TO instead said, "I don't think so and I'm just being honest." Oops, way to be on the same page boys.

Wow, it's hard to imagine someone getting sick of TO running his mouth, isn't it? Enjoy your time out, TO.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Now They'll Kill You

As someone who enjoys a nice, quiet sit-down with a quality video game every now and then, I tend to really enjoy when the parental lobby blames the shortcomings of their ungrateful progeny upon the video game industy.

Yes, I'm sure Spalding the Third is a little shit because he saw a booty call in a video game and not because he's spoiled. It's got to be the violence and not because Meemaw bought her 11 year old grandson a Teen rated game.

Well now it's even worse. Now games can kill you.

Kids, don't play for 50 straight hours. Try to find a girl to kiss and move out of your parent's basement.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A TO Quickie

Drew "Dickclown" Rosenhaus, who is TO's agent, is going to be on Dave tonight. Dave TIVO's automatically for me, but I probably won't watch the show for a few days.

In the interim:

Q. Why don't opposing teams double-cover TO?
A. They can't find two guys who can stand to be around him.

Is it a surprise that in the first picture I found of TO, he has his mouth open?

I don't know where all the inner rage about TO came from, but I know I like it.

Martha & the Anklet

Martha Stewart's confinement is being extended. Ostensibly it's because she went to a yoga class and was tooling around her estate in a 4x4.

I can't wait until Martha gets that electronic monitoring device off her ankle. It's leaving a mark on my neck.

Just kidding. I wish I could take credit for that joke, but I stole it from Dave. He's clearly the funniest man alive.

Viva Las Vegas

Last weekend was the time I would typically go to Ohio to play in a golf tournament with my cousin, my Pop, and my uncle (Dad's brother). Unfortunately, because this tournament is populated mostly with guys my Pop went to high school with (and he's 75 now), we lacked critical mass this year to have the event. Simply put, too many of the old farts are dead, dying or otherwise unable to golf anymore.

So we decided not to lose the weekend and go to Vegas. Except my Dad and Uncle pimped my cousin and me and didn't show. We had fun anyway. Even though it was godawful hot. 110 F every day (that's 43 C to you international readers) and just walking half a block (and Vegas has long blocks) caused you to break a sweat.

My cousin played golf both days. I was too big a puss and stayed inside by the nice, cool craps tables and tried to win a little dorame (that's dough-ray-me). A big hunk of sugar like me will just melt in weather that hot.

Here's the quick recap:

  • The Paris hotel is nice and fairly centrally located.
  • Don't get all the hubbub about Wynn's new place. It's big, garishly colored and you can gamble there. Wow, there's no place else like that in Vegas.
  • Danny Gans is okay but not worth $100. 20% of his act was great, 40% was so so, and 20% could have been anyone. One of the guys said he could do that act.
  • Commander's Palace has a great jazz brunch and an even better bloody mary
  • I missed my wife.
  • I can't handle that many people for that long without a break. In the mornings I had to go down to the pool before it opened and read while no one was around. That crush of humanity (most of whom don't seem to know how to walk with a purpose) drove me nuts.
  • I sleep like shit on a plane.
  • I can cross professional gambler off my alternate career list. I can't live on $30 a day in winnings. Especially when I want to eat at Commanders Palace every day. At least I finished up for the weekend. One of the guys we were with lost 2 grand. The only machine he won at was the ATM and that popped him for $4.
  • The monorail ran like a charm while I was there. $3 from one end of the Strip to the other. Beats the crush of humanity trying to walk on the Strip.

It was good to get away from work, but the three hour time change from the East coast really messes you up.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Semi-Delayed Quote of the Week

Because I went to Vegas last week, there was no time to post. That would have just taken away from my money making. So here's the latest quote from an exchange that I witnessed at the Paris Casino when a hipster doofus threw the dice rather lamely down the table.

Pit Boss: [to the shooter] What's your name kid?
Hipster Doofus: Robert.
Pit Boss: Well, Bobby Vegas, make the dice hit the fucking back wall next time.

So for the rest of the trip a lot of people got called "Bobby Vegas" whenever they engaged in behavior that obviously marked them at now being too experienced at the whole gambling thing.

More tales later.