Little Ten

What the hell happened to college football?

Notre Dame stinks. The Big Ten sucks. No one in the Top 10 seemingly wants to remain undefeated. Even Penn State football has scofflaws on the team now. And what the heck is a Nittany anyway?

They've also started a Big Ten Network that freaking no one gets. Here in Michigan, the Big Ten Network made a big deal that they'd finally signed an agreement with the 11th largest cable provider in the state. I'm sure that deal really made all 17 people who now get the Big Ten Network really happy.

See the Big Ten Network is arguing with the cable providers about where the channel should be. You can see the Big Ten games if you have a dish. But if you live here in the Great Grey North where there are trees and snow piled higher than your roof, you're stuck with cable. The BTN is telling the cable providers that they want to be part of the Basic Package and not stuck on some premium sports tier. I think they just want a better channel number. There's probably some marketing geek who is determined that the Big Ten is going to be on channel 10 and not 427.

Both sides are going back and forth with lots of swell PR wizardry. But while they're dicking around with sword fights and sabre rattling, I'm not getting to see the alma mater play ball. Badly, as it turns out. The first rule of sword fight club? Don't talk about sword fight club.

I'm not sure whom I hate the most. I definitely hate them both. And it would be terrible if someone found out where Big Ten Network President Mark Silverman lived and Charter Communications founder and current Chairman of the Board Paul Allen and put a big heaping pile of poo on their door step. That would be a travesty.

I'm sure this will all play out soon and the fine folks at the Big Ten who somehow can't even count how many teams are in the league and are stuck in a 20 year agreement with Fox whom all the cable companies hate and the fine folks at Charter who have a stock that's trading almost three dollars a share on the Nasdaq will work all this acrimony out. Because they've got our best interests at heart.

If this isn't settled by the time basketball season is here, expect some gun play.

Hot Stove, Cool Music

While some people are off gallivanting, some of us are stuck in our house waiting for the Appliance Man to show up.

Wife and I have one of those swell stoves with no burners and no range hoods. That's because the people who owned this house before us were loaded and couldn't possibly be bothered with anything except the latest appliances.

And those appliances are swell until they bust.

All that glass on top of the stove cracks from thermal heating and then you need to contact NASA for the part. And apparently they ship a glass stove top without any padding and are surprised when it shows up busted. Glass breaks? Who knew? So then you get to request the part again which adds another week to the process.

I think the best part is that they let you know they'll be at your house between either 8 and 12 or 1 and 5. You've got to agree that a 4 hour range is pretty big. I'm not sure why they just don't tell you the time will be "When We Freaking Feel Like Showing Up."

Would you ever accept that answer from anyone else? If your best friend told you they'd meet you somewhere for dinner and it would be between 5 and 9, you'd tell them to go to hell. But you have to take it from these guys. Just like you had to take care of the broken counter top that showed up and that they wouldn't even haul away. But you have to take it from the Appliance Guys because there's nothing you can do.

Nothing except order a third counter top and see how much you can get for it on eBay.

Let My People Go

Charlton Heston's neighbors are suing him because of a mudslide.

Unless he was holding up his arms and a staff when the mudslide happened, I'm not sure how it could be his fault. It was probably an Earthquake.

It's probably going to be very uncomfortable at the neighborhood get togethers when the dish he brings to pass is Soylent Green and he calls his neighbors "Damn dirty apes!"

And I'll bet Chuck tries to resolve the suit by blowing the hill all to hell or challenging the neighbors to a chariot race.

Never pick a fight with the former head of the NRA. He'll bust a semi-automatic cap in your ass.

(and if anyone knows wtf is up with Blogger and inserting random spacing into any post with an image, give me a yell please)

Have a Great Summer

If you were lucky enough to go to Wayne High School (home of the Warriors) in Huber Heights, Ohio, I hope you finally got your yearbook.

That's because Jeanne Sterling, the Teacher Advisor for the yearbook, did a little grading of her own. Isn't the Yearbook Advisor always one of the cool teachers?

Unfortunately for the administration, Jeanne was retiring after 35 years of service. And she wasn't pulling any punches when she took the opportunity to give some not so swell grades.

Students in general got a "C" grade for students because of their unwillingness to pay attention and lack of effort. D students everywhere celebrated by skipping school that day.

Huber Heights School Superintendent Bill Kirby and his ability to run a school district got the Big F. I guess we'll be seeing you during the summer, Mr. Kirby. Stay out of trouble this summer, you slacker. The Warriors are watching you.

Now I'm not one of those obsessed people who still bear a grudge against everyone who ever slighted them in high school. In fact, I'm one of the "whereabouts unknown" at my old school according to the one person I still talk to now and then.

But how cool would it have been to put all the nasty stuff you'd ever been thinking about in the yearbook instead of "You're too cool 4 school. Call me. See you at the Carousel of Miami Valley Beauty College in the Fall." (Seriously, that's the closest institution of higher learning in Huber Heights).

What would you have put in your year book if you thought you could get away with it?

I might have gone with: Later, losers. I'm blowing this pop stand, travelling the world and expanding my mind beyond the realm of the small minded and ill informed. Enjoy getting pregnant too soon, married too young, and divorced too late.

Anyone have a good sign off for high school?