Friday, April 27, 2007

Draft Dodger

I can't believe I'm writing about football in the middle of the Spring. But this is really the only time of the year that the Lions are relevant or near the top of anything. Yes, sadly, the Lions have the second pick in the NFL draft this Saturday. That means they were the second worst team in all of football last year. Thank you, Al Davis.

I'm not a fan of the Lions. The NFL is going to force feed you the local market team whenever they play. No one is a fan of the Lions. You endure them like a long lingering illness. And that illness has been going on since 1957. That's the last time they won a championship. Pre Super Bowl. Pre NFL AFL merger. How bad is it? ESPN evaluated every franchise in sports from a Fan Satisfaction perspective and the Lions came in last. As in dead last. #122 out of 122. Nowhere to go but up.

The President and CEO of the Detroit Lions is Matt Millen. Since Matt took over the team in 2001, the Lions are an NFL-worst 24-72. So the owner gave Matt a five year contract extension. And Matt has a somewhat troubled history of destroying the lives of the young men he selects with his first round pick in the draft: Charles Rogers (out of the league), Joey Harrington (backup in Atlanta), Mike Williams (overweight and a non-factor in the offense). It's been so bad, people have started web sites just to try to get Mr. Millen fired.

Now I understand how passionate some people are about sports. When the Pakistani cricket team lost to lowly Ireland (on St. Patrick's Day no less), someone strangled the Pakistani coach. I'm not advocating anyone murdering Matt Millen if he screws up this draft, but I'd certainly understand if it happened.

Matt Millen, you are on the clock. Try not to muck it up this year. Please keep the Lions in your prayers.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Bees Knees

Reuters reported, that honeybees in the US are vanishing. And scientists don't know why. Thanks for all the insight, Poindexter. And that can't find any wee bee bodies to get all CSI on them. Man, I'd hate to have to draw those tiny outlines around the wings.

There aren't any bee corpses. They're just vanishing. Kind of like common sense.

Opposably, honeybees are responsible for pollinating all that swell fruit we love so much. As Jeff "Chicken Little" Pettis of the US Agricultural Research Service puts it, "...imagine eating a bowl of oatmeal every day with no fruit on it, that's what it would be like." Ummm, Jeff, I eat bacon whenever possible, so I'm not really sweating the bee thing because of your "Oatmeal Degradation Scenario."

Now, I don't know what you do when you're faced with a crisis. I don't think I have too many crises in my daily life. I do have a project that's absolutely on fire and will go down in flames like the Hindenburg. How am I fixing it? I've got a plan B, a plan C and a plan D. Okay, plan D is just blaming a co-worker, but that's not the point. I've got alternatives for when it all goes snafu and hits the proverbial fan.

What does the government do? Listen to this call to action. First, there's a two day "workshop" to combat what has been termed "Colony Collapse Disorder." I've got to give them some credit--that name is fabulous. It sounds a lot better than "We Don't Know Where All The Bees Are."

Second, they've scheduled a Congressional Hearing. Oh, that ought to straighten things right out. Maybe we can get some Congresspeople to walk around a field with their shirt sleeves rolled up, their suit coats thrown over one shoulder and squint into the distance. That would be a great photo opportunity and would accomplish absolutely nothing. I can honestly say I've never been in trouble and thought to myself, "If there were only a member of Congress around right now..."

Third, the National Research Council is issuing "a report." This is really what our government does best: generate reams of paper which no one reads. Now this report won't fix the problem, but it will be a good prop for a Senator to hold up in a photograph later when he or she claims victory over the dastardly beenappers.

Fourth, National Pollinator Week is scheduled for June 24th - 30th in Washington, DC. This really ought to straighten things out, shouldn't it? Once you can get a week named after your issue, you're really in the home stretch.

Can't you just imagine a bunch of agricultural policy types in town for the big week, belting back a few drinks and telling some impressionable young ladies that they're in town to "pollinate?" And you know they'd be doing that eyebrow thing. "Hmm, hmm, hmm. How'd you like to do a little pollination?"

Now the North American Pollinator Protection Campaign (NAPPC) advocates that one of the ways we can help is to "speak out and celebrate pollinators." Hey, you asked for it NAPPC.


I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a bee.
Who wings his way across the sky
And does not even question why.
He serves his Queen and gets no money.
All he does is help make the honey.
That's right. No sex. Not even kissing.
Is it any wonder the bees have gone missing?
The NAPPC says "If bees are under attack,
Our fruit will be gone and never come back."
The plants need the bees to move the pollen.
Or our agricultural stocks will be a fallin'.
So, speak out and let us all hail pollinators.
Both Dems and GOP's can be celebrators.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Eartha Kitt

Happy Earth day to you.
Happy Earth day to you.
Happy Earth day, dear Gaia,
Happy Earth day to you.

Now blow out all your volcanoes and make a wish.

I don't think you look a day over 4 1/2 billion years old. I don't care what those creationists say.

But she has had some work done on her fault lines.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong

Being an idiot-savant (or maybe I'm just half right), I like to kid that while there is no off position on the genius switch, I have more bad ideas by 8:00 am than most people do all day.

Well Marvel beat me to the punch this morning. Yes, it's Spiderman the Musical. As reported in the LA Times.

"Marvel Entertainment announced Thursday that the iconic web-slinger will be the subject of a major Broadway musical that will be directed by Tony winner Julie Taymor, who famously adapted "The Lion King" to stage, and feature music and lyrics by Bono and the Edge of U2."

I don't know who they'll get to play Spiderman, but I hope it's not an acrobatic little female moppet. You know, how they ruined Peter Pan?

And while I'm sure Julie Taymor's vision will be a lot better than director Sam Raimi's creation of the best superhero movies ever (granted, not a very high standard to be held to), we'll have Bono & Edge to bring it all home.

So in that vein, may I suggest the following musical numbers:
  • Sunday Spidey Sunday
  • 11 O'clock Doc Ock
  • I Will Follow On My Web
  • Where the Suits Have No Shame
  • I Still Haven't Caught Who I'm Looking For
  • Stories for Pre-Adolescent Prepubescent Boys
  • With or Without Suit
  • Swing (in the Name of Love)
  • All I Want is Cash
  • Two Heroes Fight as One
  • Even Lamer than the Real Thing
  • Trying to Throw Your Web Around the World
  • Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me Upside Down in the Rain, Kill Me
  • Spidery Day
  • One (More Time to Whore Out)

But I'm sure the dancing numbers will help. How will this turn out? Bad.

Wow, I must listen to U2 even more than I watch Pandas.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I didn't want to say anything, because trying to have a kid is a big decision. I mean you don't just rush out and have unprotected sex and bring another life into this world. So if it's not happening naturally, you go for artificial insemination, right?

No, not Wife and I. Ever since I stepped on that toe popper at the Battle of Chun King, we can't have children. Because we loathe them. But where was my parade, you draft dodging bastards?

Anyhoo, at the National Zoo, they've gone to artificial insemination to try to get the female Panda, Mei Xiang, preggers. I thought the best way to get pregnant was to lose your job and get drunk.

But they've resorted to artificial insemination (and you thought your job sucked) after showing the pandas pornographic movies failed. That's right, Tian Tian, didn't get "the old bamboo" after watching movies. Maybe he's more of a Penthouse Letters kind of guy?

The question I have is what kind of porn did they try? Were they showing them pandas having sex, humans dressed as pandas, humans with pandas? Because there are some Panda Playas who do all the Panda Hos--black, white, black and white. I'm a Panda Porn Star.

But I wonder what panda porn movies they showed them. So I came up with a list of what they should have tried.

  • Hannah Does Her Three Pandas
  • Panda Does Punjab
  • On Golden Panda
  • Deep Panda
  • Behind the Bamboo Door
  • Backdoor Pandas
  • The Fellowship of the Pandas
  • PILF
  • Desperate Pandas
  • Three Men & a Panda
  • Eight Pandas Out
  • Pandas and Pandability
  • The English Panda
  • Panda Confidential
  • As Panda As It Gets
  • Crouching Panda, Hidden Dragon
  • Million Dollar Panda
  • Little Miss Panda
  • Brokeback Pandas
  • Dude, Where's My Panda?
  • Edward Pandahands

As you can tell, I watch way too many Panda movies.

Dog Poetry

Guinness the Wonder Dog is turning out to be a canine of many talents. Not only has he learned to ring the bells we hung on the door, he now rings the bell just to mess with Wife & I.

So I wasn't completely surprised when I found the following note in his crate. I'm just trying to figure out how he held the pen to write it.

The Provider returns!
Bringing freedom from my confinement.
Gallop to the door
and release my golden flow.
Rich smells assault my senses.
At night the interlopers
Have left their spoor in my domain.
Squirrels! Curse your evasive agility.
Heeding the Provider's call,
I begin my repast
Some day I will have thumbs
Then I will eat at my choosing.
Another outdoor exploration
The Provider enforces
My servitude with bondage.
Enjoy picking that up.
A wee one!
They are often clumsy and drop food
In tribute to my majesty.
Alas, there is no steak sandwich today.
Into my den I stalk,
Deign to nap, later walk.
Sure a dog who writes poetry is something, but I'm not that impressed with his rhyme scheme.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

At Least Vote Often

I'm sorry to say that I didn't hear about this great experiment in democracy, until now. That's right, the Great State of Indiana is letting us interweb kids help decide what their new license plate should look like. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.

And while I don't want to influence your vote, I picked the one that looks most like a penis torch. Unfortunately, you can only vote until this Wednesday. So get to it!

But what the swell Department of Motor Vehicles (motto: Some Days the Line Never Moves At All) forgot to include was a vote for that little slogan that goes on the bottom of the license plate.

So I helpfully submitted a list of possibilities for them to choose from:
  • Land of Letterman
  • At Least It's Not Iowa
  • Jesus It's Flat Here
  • That Smell Is Terra Haute
  • We Really, Really Like Basketball
  • Hoosier Momma?
  • Don't Try Telling Us What Time It Is
  • Driving 500 Miles in a Circle Doesn't Make a Lot of Sense, Does It?
  • At Least We Don't Have to Worry About Ron Artest Anymore
  • We Apologize for Gary
  • Where Kentuckians Come to Drink
  • It's So Windy Here Because Ohio Sucks
  • Try Our Drive Through Liquor Stores
  • If You Can Read This, You're Not From Evansville
  • Peyton's Place

Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I Could Be Wrong

The term genius is bandied about too often. Okay, it's often by me whenever I find a comedian who makes me laugh, think and poop all at the same time.

But this here, is genius. Brought to you by Tim Wilson. Just be glad I'm too much of a caveman to figure out how to put an audio file in Blogger. Because this song will get stuck in your head.

Warning, the following contains adult language. And by adult I mean dirty. If you think swears make the Sweet Baby Jebus cry, you should stop reading now. But then if you don't use the F bomb, you're not really talking about taxes.

I guess I'm tired of Oprah Winfey's ass
Telling me every move to make.
And I'm tired of Martha Stewart's ass
Telling me how to bake a cake.

And I've just about had my fill
Of Dr. Fucking Phil.
Tired of looking at Tiger's ass
And Shaquille O'Fucking Neill.

Paris Hilton can fuck up a county fair.
Just proof that that you can be stupid
And still be a billion-fucking-aire.

I'm tired of Simon's ass
Telling people that they can't sing.
I'd fire Donald Trump's ass
For knowing every fucking thing.

Jim and Brad and Angelina's ass,
I'm about tired of looking at them.
And I'm about ready for Hollywood's ass
To run out of fucking film.

I'm tired of everything on tv.
Everybody loves Raymond.
Except for fucking me.

I'm tired of that Lance's ass
In France riding on a bike.
And I could pretty much give a damn
What some actress's dress looks like.

It'd be nice if hip hop's ass
Would finally learn to play three chords.
And I'm about filled up with Nashville's ass
And the Hand Me A Trophy Awards.

Barry Bonds hitting a bunch of fake home runs.
And a fake ass Larry the Cable's ass
Can git 'r fucking done.

I'd like to watch football's ass
Without worrying about T.O.
And I'm resolved to tell Dubya's ass
Where the fuck he can fucking go.

I'll be the first to second telling the Third World
What the fuck they can fucking do.
It'd be fun to watch Mel Gibson's ass
Get whipped by the Jews.

I'm tired of my own ass
Singing this fucking song.
There's a lot of people's ass I'm tired of
But the list is too fucking long.

And I could be wrong
I could be wrong.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

An Open Letter Regarding Our Weather

Dear Former Vice President Gore:

Where the hell is my global warming? It's April for god's sake!

Apparently it's not so warm that it melted all the ice cream you've been eating.



P.S. Sorry about the fat joke. Don't take it personally as you're supposed to be jolly.

Caught With His Legal Briefs Down

Here at the ex-law offices, I don't often comment upon ongoing litigation because it's typically pretty boring stuff. Rarely were the cases I worked on ever wrapped up neatly in 44 minutes of drama like they were on tv.

But it is being reported that Rip Torn has requested a trial for his Driving While Intoxicated charge stemming from an accident in December when the Ol' Ripster hit a tractor trailer.

While I never prosecuted cases (I fight against The Man not for him), it doesn't look like this case would be that tough to win.

"Your honor, I'd like to introduce Exhibit A. This is a photograph taken of the Defendant after the incident. Prosecution rests."

If a picture is worth a thousand words, those words are all synonyms for "fucked up."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Communists Have Won

Be afraid, be very afraid.

I've previously reported about the genius of Tim Bedore and the Animal Conspiracy.

Well the squirrels have gotten a promotion. They're no longer just providing reconnaissance.

They've been upgraded to field work. And they're communists (enjoy that video goodness). That's right, squirrels are now stealing American flags!

Why are we the target for animal ire? That's easy--they hate us. We've hunted them, penned them, polluted their homes and even dined on them. They're all against us. Remember that the next time you have to swerve your car while doing 75 to avoid hitting a deer. That was the animal equivalent of a drive by, my friend.

Be wary of all animals. Except the dogs who, just like the British, will always be on our side. As long as the food holds out anyway.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Halle is a Potty Mouth

The dirtiest quote of the week goes to Ms. Halle Berry:

When asked about how excited she was to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, she replied:

"I can't tell you how good it makes my insides feel. I wish you could be inside right now and you would actually know how good it feels."

Halle, you've just said what every 13 year old boy in America was already thinking. Especially the ones who have seen Catwoman on cable. Because no one saw it in the theater.

Is Halle's quote from the lyrics of Sheena Easton's tour de force, Sugar Walls? If it's not, it should be.

Don't get too gushy though, Halle. Even Ryan Seacrest (known professionally as "The Tool") has one of them there stars.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Cocoa Crazy

I'm really disappointed I didn't think of this first.

Cosimo Cavallaro made a a life-size sculpture of a naked Jesus entitled "My Sweet Lord" out of chocolate. Now this may come as a shock, but a chocolate Jesus during Easter week didn't go over well with some folks. That's right, I'm talking about the all powerful Chocolate Lobby.

I don't know if you can tell from that picture over there, but there's no loincloth. Yep, Sweet Baby Jebus is all growed up and anatomically correct. No that isn't a Mounds bar. Wow, and I used to feel guilty when I bit the ears off a chocolate bunny.
Someone should also alert security that if there is a chocolate phallus on display they can plan on a visit from my pal Lindsay.

The statue was going to be exhibited for two hours every day this week at the Roger Smith Hotel in New York City. But thanks to the pull of the Chocolatiers, the exhibit has already been cancelled.

I'm not too disappointed though. I've got this great idea for a Virgin Mary statue made out of marshmellows. I'm calling it Peep Unplucked. But I really need to apply for a grant from the Institute for Peep Research to get this thing off the ground.

Remember kids, it's all about the art. It's not about cheap publicity and getting stupid bloggers to write about it. What? Oh, then nevermind.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Dressed for Success?

Lapeer, Michigan student, Caroline Bodell is no sucker. She made an entire dress out of Dum Dum wrappers. She sounds like she's got a lot on the stick. But then I just eat up stories like this.

I hope her date likes grape. I'd have gone for rootbeer myself.

Recycling like that can't be licked. Hope she doesn't get caught in the rain or she'll be in a sticky situation.

But instead of going with a Bravura and completing the entire ensemble d'garbage, she even made her own purse out of Dum Dum wrappers.

Boy with that many wrappers, she'll probably even be able to get that swell backpack.

The Dum Dum Corporation (they're no idiots) has said that they'll put the dress on display at their headquarters in Bryan, Ohio. Spokesman Durwin Bumble for the Dum Dum Candy Company when asked about the dress display said, "Doi, I like candy. Candy is real good."

Yes, you can get tours at the Spangler Candy Company. Mmmm, a candy company. That doesn't suck.

Okay, I'll shut up now.