Friday, June 30, 2006

Luckily the TSA is There

In case you really believe the stink we make about airport security is actually working, I submit the following.

The Tallahassee Regional Airport was closed because of a bomb scare. What looked so much like a bomb that someone had to be detained for 5 hours? It was a jar of Tupelo honey, butt rub, an oyster shell and a digital recorder.

In a complete aside, doesn't Tupelo Honey sound like a good name for an exotic dancer?

Butt rub isn't what you'd pay Tupelo Honey to do in the Champagne Room. It's a concoction of spices that you rub into pork to make it taste better. Specifically it was Bad Byron's Butt Rub.
And I'm sure that Byron had some difficulty acquiring the domain name

Now I'm no explosives expert, but who is using oyster shells in their incendiary devices? Are we at war with Atlantis and no one told me? I know Aquaman is fighting crime and all, but I thought he had our hands full above the water right now.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

More Kid Hijinx

Wife and I went to the zoo on Friday. And while she remembered it nostalgically from her childhood, it paled in comparison when viewed from reality. The penguins didn't swim as much, the polar bears were standoffish and not as cuddly as before and monkeys failed to fling any poo at all.

The trip did, however, provide the opportunity for further interaction with the wee folk.

Many parents seem to be sending their precious tots to day camps. This is presumably to ensure that no time is actually spent in their presence. Once at the alleged camp, they are given matching shirts of a garish color. This, like for inmates, is only for identification purposes if they try to make a break for it. No thought is given to sizing requirements. This may also have the benefit of making it impossible to actually run if your shirt hangs down to your Keds.

Unfortunately, these camps are seriously understaffed. There is no way that two surly college girls (who are just trying to get 3 crummy credits for crying out loud) are a match for 18 children. Even the tactic of forcing all children to hold hands all the time so as to blockade entire sections of the animal kingdom doesn't work. Yes, it is appropriate for the entire group to "EWWWWW" as loud as possible in the event any animal relieves himself in your presence.

We also got to practice some new sayings with our newfound friends:
  • "Don't talk to strangers!"
  • "Careful. That's his flinging hand."
  • "I heard last week he ate a kid."
  • "Wow. It was so cool when that bear was dancing. Too bad he just stopped."
  • "If you stay here long enough, they'll eventually let you pet the lion."
  • Careful, that's his flinging hand.

I would also like to point out that when we encountered a group of special kids, I was immediately waved at. Wife commented they obviously recognized one of their own. And while I was tempted to join hands and make some new friends, I don't think I would have been able to convince the handlers that I was a voluntary member at the end of the day.

It was also espeically humorous to hear one kid say out loud, "What up, llama?"

I don't know if he expected a response but I wish I was a ventriloquist because I'd have made the miming llama say, "Nada, Holmes." And I know this future Nasa scientist would have completely fallen for it. Because he also said, "Look, Dad. That llama has a pricetag." Only $19.95 if you want to take him home.

What up, llama is the new catch phrase sweeping the nation by the way. All the cool kids are doing it.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Quit Patting That Down

I know I already posted today. But sometimes these things just write themselves.

The best part? It was Viagra.
In his defense, he was returning from the Dominican Republic. That must have been quite a vacation, Rushie Boy.
I always knew that fat blowhard had trouble getting it up. It explains all the anger.
But I'm sure I can predict the excuses Rush will have for having illegal Viagra in his possession:
  • Just holding it for a friend
  • Not my stuff
  • Not sure how it got in there
  • Might be his, but just misplaced his prescription
  • What happens in the Dominican Republic stays in the Domincan Republic
  • Dealer told him it was oxycontin
  • Where's my maid?
  • This is all Donovan McNabb's fault
And when Viagra is outlawed only outlaws will have chubbies.

I Told You So

Students in England are being told to avoid taking Latin classes because they're "too hard."

According to the Department of Stuff We Just Made Up, Latin was about a grade harder than the next hardest subjects like science and modern languages. Latin is about three grades harder than some other subjects such as sociology. Lazy sociologists!

I told my parents Latin was too freaking hard. This also explains all my B's. Not my laziness and just taking it because I liked the instructor.

Boris Johnson, the shadow higher education minister and Roman history author said, "Latin is a wonderful subject that introduces you to the roots of European civilisation. It is a fantastic foundation for all kinds of careers. I never regretted doing it for a moment."

Right, Boris. As long as you want to write a book no one will ever read and wind up the shadow higher education minister. Does he teach how to make those swell puppets on the wall? Just kidding, I know what a shadow minister does. He tells the Sith what to do.

I told my college academic advisor that I wanted to take Latin for my language requirement. She said they preferred a live language. When Rome rises, I'll be the go to guy.

For those of you unfortunate to be exposed to Latin, a quick joke:

Amo, amas, a mommy.

Thanks, I'm here all week. Remember to tip your bartenders and wait staff. Blogging audiences are the greatest audiences in the world. Goodnight everybody.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Sharks or Jets?

I do love me the Ohio crazies.

There's an old saying that it's better to have people think you're an idiot than opening your mouth and removing all doubt.

This is an actual letter to the editor from the Columbus Dispatch. Matt Carmean is worried that using a truck to haul live whale sharks could result in havoc on the highways, a brouhaha on the boulevard or a riot on the road.

Now while Matt lives in Columbus (where Ohio State University is located), I'm guessing he's not majoring in Oceanography.

Matt is worried about a trucking incident wherein the sharks being transported escape. Specifically he queries: "How many innocent motorists would be bitten in half as the freed beasts squirmed and flailed on the road until they suffocated or a state trooper came along and shot them to death?"

I believe he's talking about the cops shooting the sharks not the motorists. But both would work to clear the highway obstruction.

Why do I think that everything Matt knows about sharks is what he learned from watching Jaws (1 - 4) or Deep Blue Sea?

Now given that sharks are an aquatic species, I'm guessing they pose little peril to people on the land. Unless the sharks of which Matt is concerned is of the Saturday Night Live variety. And while these cunning urban predators can move about the land, they usually take their prey by surprise and guile. Be suspicious if you receive a candygram.

Matt's fears can be allayed, however, in that whale sharks are not carnivores. And while they are the largest fish in existance, they eat only tiny plankton. Just like whales which may be why they are so named.

Bonus points to Matt for using the term "monkeyshines" in the last sentence of his letter though. Didn't think I'd hear that today.

So the next time you're stuck in traffic and have the urge to open your door and see what could possibly be causing the obstruction, maybe you'll wonder if there are sharks on the road!

Probably not though because Matt's crazy.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


This is what it's all about. This is why I got into this business. To take a really crappy idea and make it even crappier.

The Orlando Visitors Bureau is trying to increase tourism during August, September and October. Yup, those months when it's 95 degrees with even more humidity and the hurricanes are in town. Their idea? Fabulous Fall.

I'm sure that's going to turn it all around. A good slogan and a big advertising budget can really reshape reality.

Quote of the story: "We're not in a constant state of hurricane watch," said some guy who manages a hotel.

And although Fabulous Fall is sure to do the trick, they might want some back up slogans. May I suggest the following:

  • Cane-tastic
  • Category 5 Fun
  • When the levee breaks, you're 800 miles away
  • Suck it up, parents
  • We guarantee you'll get blown
  • Britney is gone now
  • The Hurricanes have extinguished the wildfires
  • We put the Adventure in Worlds of Adventure
  • Coming here now is really Goofy!
  • Hardly any of the mosquitos carry encephalitis

Feel free to submit any more, kids.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

What's the Matter with Kids Today?

Wife and I can't have children. Because we loathe them.

Now I'm sure your precocious little moppet is a ray of sunshine onto every day. I must just keep running into the wrong, surly youths who I so enjoy loving to torment.

These are things I've actually done to torment the kids of both friends and strangers. If your precious angel was caught in the crossfire, I apologize. As far as you know.

  • When seeing a kid whining for candy in the checkout aisle, I always grab the biggest candy bar I can find and loudly proclaim: "This is going to be so good for dinner."
  • In the toy aisle at Target when a young boy is lovingly looking at some piece of plastic I'll advise, "If my Mom wouldn't buy that for me I'd just yell and yell and yell until she bought it."
  • Seeing that same kid later now looking at a toy gun I said, "With a gun like that I could shoot my sister right in the eye."
  • At kid-infested parts of Disneyworld one of my new tricks is to yell, "Hey, there's Mickey!" and see how many tots I can give whiplash.
  • When accosted by a gaggle of kids, I declaim, "I'm going to stay up past my bedtime and watch tv until midnight!"
  • When our friends' lil tot won't go to bed and is being cranky, I wave my hands like a bad hypnotist from the 50's and yell "SLEEP" to try to put her in a trance. She just laughs but someday that's got to work.
  • I tell kids that anything they don't want to eat can easily be hidden in their pockets.
  • When I see a parent yelling at some kid I always whisper just loud enough for them to hear, "Leave home, kid."

I don't know why I like tormenting them so. I can't help it. It's so fun. I blame Uncle Shelby for making me this way.

One of the funniest signs I have ever seen was on the marqee at Dairy Queen. It said "SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS THE CAR." I swear, it's true.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Slow Ride

If you really, really like the Orbiter, there's a sure way to get a longer ride. Just flash the guy running the ride. Slight problem when you're flashing at the Our Lady of the Greenwood Catholic Church festival in Indiana. Our bad.

But you can't argue with results. They did get their ride extended to over 20 minutes.

Quote of the story: “It’s a shame these young women didn’t know the great gift and beauty they have as a woman,” Reverand Meyer said.

Oh contraire, Padre. I think they know exactly what "gifts" they have as a woman. And they bestowed a quick peek at said gifts to get the squinty-eyed carny folk to let them have another go 'round or twelve. Maybe a Girls With Low Self Esteem video is in their future as well.

Do you think they had trouble getting the cops to respond to this call? "We have two girls reportedly flashing their sweeties at a carnival. Anyone want this one?" Insert the sound of squealing car tires here. One Adam 12 see the woman.

I'm just happy a story that involved a priest and flashing didn't involve altar boys. Now back to the rectory.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Holy Belief System, Batman!

I don't know why I've been on a superhero topic kick lately. Probably because it's so stupid. Or the Xmen having their movie out. Or because they're showing Spiderman 2: Revenge of the Man Teats endlessly on cable right now.

And just one quick derailment here. Why is it the Xmen? They've got women in the group. It should be the Xpeople. Or Xtraneous characters. Or Xcramentos if they move to California. Or Xtravagants if they buy things from Sharper Image. Okay, I'll knock it off already.

But if you find yourself wondering what religion your favorite superhero is? You need to find a tall, tall building, my friend.

Superman is not Jesus. Even if his Father did send him to Earth to fight for truth, justice and the American Way. Supes doesn't have either the beard or the abs to be Jesus. That Jesus had some abs I'm telling you.

And where are Superman's disciples. He's got Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and I'll toss in his editor Perry White. That leaves him short nine people. He's not Jesus.

What is the American Way? Missionary?

Oh yeah, I know I'm going to hell. But Hell Boy will be right there with me. Bless you Ron Perlman for your ability to emote under makeup. Now get back into the sewers.

Friday, June 16, 2006

To The Batsignal

Even though I read comic books when I was a kid, I never officially fought crime for a living.

But I know how the criminal element thinks.

And when I see a pink car with green question marks parked on top of a high school, I know who did it -- The Riddler.

High school officials may be baffled, but I'm not.

Don't worry kids, I've got a call into Batwoman already.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Can I Have Extra Cheese, Pizza Protector?

If you think we don't have any heroes anymore, you're wrong. Cameron Evans is officially a galactic superhero.

Sure he may look like a mild-manned pizza delivery guy who is forced to dress up in a stupid outfit to deliver pies for the evil overlords who run Galactic Pizza.

He may look like an average citizen who just happens to be stuck wearing a beige leotard, tights, boots and a cape. But he's not. He actually foiled a cowardly criminal's attempted purse swiping.

Sure he needed two other citizens to help him. And the criminal got away. And Cameron revealed his secret identity. That doesn't make it any less super.

If Cameron does this again he might want to think about the purse snatcher being armed. Or bigger than him. Or not being dressed in a fey-looking cape. But it's super goddammit!

So I've dubbed Cameron as Pizza Protector. Unfortunately, this sounds a bit like he's that plastic, lifter thing with three legs they put in the middle of your pizza so the box top doesn't get cheese all over the it. So I'm open to suggestions as to better names.

But you just knew I'd be all about the powers, didn't you? Here are the powers Pizza Protector (or whatever he'll eventually be known as) would have to have:
  • Makes change instantly
  • Magically adds or removes toppings from order mistakes
  • Speeding
  • Bad skin
  • Time Travel (to make up for slow delivery times, getting lost and getting baked)
  • Flight (for when his car gets stolen)
  • Pepperoni grease proof supersuit
  • Minty fresh breath impervious to anchovy smells
  • Inability to get laid
  • Underpaid
  • Super Surliness
  • Able to inflict Soggy Crust Curse on bad tippers
  • Mental telepathy allows him to deliver pizza before you actually order it

Feel free to add any, kids.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's the Principal of the Matter

Proof that no one in any school administration has any sense of humor about anything whatsoever is offered by Clio High School in Clio, Michigan (home of the Mustangs).

During the graduation ceremony two, not just one, but two, students played a little grab ass with Principal Keith Smith. And because these two scofflaws are now free from the tyrant Smith's petty rule of high school, he's trying to get the police to prosecute them for fourth degree criminal sexual conduct.

Smith says he needs to set an example so something like this doesn't happen again. I can tell you from personal experience, principals are all about setting examples. In my defense, I never grabbed a Principal's ass, but I certainly had to kiss a lot of it while I was in school.

Quote of the story: "As they were shaking my hand they reached around grabbed my butt and started rubbing it."

I've not been able to unearth (despite the power of the interweb) whether the students were male or female. As an attorney for one of the alleged gropers claims there was no way the contact was for sexual purposes, I'm guessing it's a boy. Of course, if he whispered, "Oh, yeah" that'll shoot that argument to hell.

Principal Smith says he's in shock and frankly embarrassed.

Is that a diploma in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Quick Hitter

Dear Ben:

Just two words: Gary Busey

Get well soon.


Bang Up Puppy Chow

I don't know why I love bad business moves so much. Maybe it's my role with marketing and public relations. Maybe it's just schadenfreude. That's kraut talk for taking great joy in the misfortunes of others. As Homer Simpson said, "It's funny because I don't know him." It's probably the same reason all those trauma to the groin videos always win the 10 large.

Anyway Disney has a brand of dog food called Old Yeller. You may see it if you go Krogering as that's where Disney was test marketing this stuff.

Doesn't anyone have a problem with this? I hope I'm not giving away anything here, but this is one of the saddest movies ever. Old Yeller dies at the end. It makes everyone cry. And he doesn't just die any old way. He gets rabies and has to be shot. By the little kid who owns him! So I guess Old Yeller brand dog food is the food you'd choose if you want your son to eventually have to shoot his puppy.

Amazingly, though this product works. People are buying the it like crazy and it's Kroger's best selling dog food.

They also have a Pirates of the Caribbean aquarium. Don't take any of the gold out of the little chest at the bottom or you'll be cursed.

So of course this got me thinking about other possible Disney product tie in's:
  • Sleeping Beauty Sleeping Pills (slogan: You won't wake up until your Prince comes)
  • Cruella Deville Dog Crates
  • Pinocchio's Rhynoplasty
  • A.J. Arno Business Consulting Services
  • Jiminy Cricket's Bug-B-Gon
  • Big Bad Wolf Air Freshener/Leaf Blower
  • Winnie the Pooh Honey (when you want to get stuck in a hole)
  • Herbie the Love Bug Motor Oil (for the car that controls you)
  • Peter Pan Wine (when you want to feel like you're flying)
  • Maleficent's Down Home Apple Pie
  • Tramp's Flea Collar
I'm sure there have to be some others. Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Des Moines Dangler

There's an old joke about a guy who goes to a psychiatrist's office and the headshrinker gives him the Rorschach ink blot test. The guy says the first blot looks like a naked woman. The second one looks like a man and a woman kissing. The third blot is a couple making love. Finally the psychiatrist says something about how the guy obviously has a sexual fixation. The guy replies, "Hey, you're the one showing me all the dirty pictures."

You usually see what you want to see. So what do you think is over there?

Of course that's the City of Des Moines' water retention basin.

What else could you think it was? Perverts.

Kudos to whomever at the Des Moines Register who came up with the line "city design with a vast difference." Well done, indeed.

If you live to the west of the retention pond, you might want to be prepared. Judging by the size of the basin on the right, it looks like it's going to get pretty messy. It looks like flood control is going to be the least of their worries. That's a major case of DSB. People should blow that town; it's full of wankers.

Was that a long way to go for a cheap dick joke or is it just me? I'm sure my parents would be so proud that I've put all this education and technology to good use.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Mission Craptacular

I love when bad ideas go awry. It's awesomely bad to see how something that was a little bit of crap gets implemented poorly and snowballs into a great big pile of steaming trouble.

That happened in Los Angeles recently when the LA Times tried to spice up the launch of the new Tom Cruise vehicle (no, not Katie and her spud, his lame movie) with a little promotion rigged to go off when someone bought a paper from the newsboxes. You were supposed to buy a paper from one of the machines and as you opened the paper box a little device would play the Mission Impossible theme song. Kind of cool, right? Of course in the tv show those recorded messages with the instructions for the mission always blew up. Foreshadowing is a harsh mistress.

The audio players for the theme song included red, black and white wires that were visible from outside of the box. You can see this coming from a mile away, can't you.

Someone called the Bomb Squad and they actually blew up a box. Luckily the devices were only in 4500 boxes all over the Los Angeles and Ventura county area. That's just 10 million people distributed over about 7000 square miles. And unfortunately one of the boxes was in West LA near the VA hospital. The same VA hospital that evacuated 250 people and 50 patients.

"Lives were at risk," said the spokesperson for the VA. The Times countered with "We weren't expecting anything like this."

Who do you think won that battle of the quotes?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

No Butts About It

I really don't get this.

Butlers in the Buff are such a hit in London that they're taking the business model on the road. There are 75 bottomless butlers on staff (so to speak). And there are numerous requests to have them work at women's parties (though in England they apparently call them hen parties), corporate functions and gay wedding receptions.

A "tasteful alternative to strippers and pole dancers?" Yeah, strippers are so de classe. But naked butlers around food? That's classy.

Would a real butler ever engage in this kind of behavior? It might go something like this. "I'll have a shandy on the verandah. Good Lord, Jeeves, where are your pants?"

What kind of corporate function has semi-naked serving staff? Quarterly earning projections because you're looking at the bottom line. Proctologist conventions? Sorry, I'm just being cheeky.

I will skip the obvious jokes about the British Marines having a former member who thought this business up. But it puts that whole British public schooling in perspective doesn't it?

But seriously is this that big of a deal? If you think seeing a guy's butt is such a big deal, just ask him. Spring for a couple of beers and it's probably not that much of a stretch to get him to drop trou.

Would women really want to be served by a man with no pants? I know the "towel trick" is a classic. But naked men around found sounds like a health code violation to me.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Tagging It

New York City Councilman Peter Vallone Jr. hates graffiti so much he made it his main campaign issue. Luckily, New York has solved all its other problems. Vallone hates graffiti so much he got a law passed that prohibits the possession or purchase of spray paint, broad-tipped indelible markers and etching acid by anyone not over 21 years of age. When Sharpies are outlawed, only outlaws will have Sharpies.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a Sharpie addict. I probably have about 50 of various colors and sizes in my office and another 10 or so at home. When I travel I always take a Sharpie in my backpack. While the Hitchhiker has his towel, I have a Sharpie.

Since Vallone has targeted the graffitists, they've targeted him. He has the joy of seeing his name spraypainted (and supposedly indelibly marked and acidly etched) around town. In January, the grafitti gang painted a swell saying on a giant billboard near the Manhattan Bridge. Yup that's it below. Sorry for the crappy placement, but I got tired of fightin' with Flickr. Thanks to Visual Resistance for the upload. Go there directly if you want to see the bad boy in all its glory.

Now I don't know if you're in either the graffiti is a symbol of blight and chaos camp or the graffiti is the visual dialect of a generation camp. They both sound like they're kind of full of shit to me. But kudos to the guy who listed Vallone's district office address on a message board and commented "the door is pretty clean." I'm just sayin'.

In the PR camp, however, we have a saying, "Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel." Essentially that's an old axiom to grind about not picking a fight with a newspaper. You'll never get the last word and they'll always reach more people than you will. Of course that axiom was invented before the interweb and Flickr and tags and cell phones. Now you can reach a lot of people. So maybe the axiom should be adjusted to "Never pick a fight with someone who buys paint by the can either."

Friday, June 02, 2006

Look Out Batgirl

In case you hadn't heard, Batwoman is back. And she's out of the Batcloset.

DC Comics announced yesterday (and shouldn't that now be called AC/DC comics?), that they were resurrecting the character Batwoman as a lipstick lesbian. Yup, that's her over there.

Batwoman's socialite alter ego, Kathy Kane, was introduced in 1956 and killed off in 1979. So apparently she's batback now. The recently revived Batwoman Described as 5'10" tall (that's 1.77 meters for our international readers) with flowing read hair, knee high red boots and a tight black outfit. Well sure. What else would the well-dressed crimefighter be wearing?

There are some other little known facts about the new Batwoman character.

10) Batcave now entered in a completely different way
9) Arrests Catwoman for heavy petting
8) Sidekick named Rosie wears flannel
7) Keeps referring to the Joker as "girlfriend"
6) Artificially inseminated by David Crosby
5) First adventure involves breaking up a robbery at a WNBA game
4) Stalks Batgirl
3) Sometimes knee high red boots replaced with hiking shoes
2) Batmobile is now a pick up truck
1) No batpole

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Nothing as Thrilling as Shilling

If you're a fan of the Pussycat Dolls, too bad. Because Hasbro just announced you won't be getting a Pussycat Doll doll anytime soon.

The official party line from the company was: "Interscope's [the Dolls' record label] current creative direction and images for the recording group are focused on a much older target than we had anticipated at the time of our original discussions, thereby making a doll line inappropriate for Hasbro."

Yeah, it had nothing at all to do with the protests.

I can't understand why anyone would think that a completely manufactured pop music phenomenon based upon a former burlesque troop would make a bad role model for young girls. It's not like it's a Barbie for crying out loud. Some people are just so closed minded. But then a lot of people didn't realize what great musicians the Monkeys were.

I wonder if the Pussycat Dolls dolls were supposed to inflate?