Tighten Up

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Working for the Weekend

Yeah, just try to get that out of your head for the next two days. Seriously, I can only last about 30 seconds in that song if I'm not in the mood for it. Why is that?

I know you're still feeling depressed from all the yardwork you didn't do last weekend and all the meat and beverages you consumed. Don't worry. You've got 48 hours to try to atone for your sloth last weekend.

So what do you do? Well, I'd start with a very special episode of Blossom. That's right. Mayim Bialik better known as Blossom is going to be on What Not to Wear. Wonder if they can time travel so they can repair her wardrobe from 20 years ago?

I don't remember when all those 80's sitcoms started to do the Very Special Episodes. It's like they all just decided, "Hey, shouldn't we be shoving some kind of life lesson down our young viewers throats?" That made all the money the tv types were spending on coke seem much less evil to themselves.

Just off the top of my head the Very Special Episodes I can remember are:

• child molestation on Diff'rent Strokes
• alcoholism on Family Ties (a two parter with Tom Hanks no less)
• sexual assault on Facts of Life
• Alyssa Milano finally hitting puberty on Who's the Boss

Nothing says 22 minutes of comedy like molestation, alcoholism and assault. Boring educational value added to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program. That's why they just started to use the old Wheel of Morality with the Animaniacs.

I'm sure there are more Very Special Episodes. But those are enough of an appetite suppressant for me. Anybody remember any others? Best Week Ever does a lot better job of this than I could anyway.

To work off all that mindless tv, go get some exercise. Luckily for the Wife and I, were going to participate in an Organized Pet Activity this weekend. I know. We're going to Strut our Mutt. Well, mutts. I wonder what the over and under for chaos is at the event.

I'm figuring there's a chance for:

• dog fight
• poop incident
• leash break and/or escape
• refusal to Strut
• barking, jumping, peeing on strangers (both hounds are a triple threat)

And organized dog activities? It's probably only a matter of time before we're screaming at a hotel manager about a lost Busy Bee.

Luckily, after organized dog walking, there's NHL Finals on both Saturday and Sunday. Bless you NBC for moving the games up. Just hope the results are a repeat of last year.

Enjoy the weekend, kids.

Happy

I don't want to say this weekend sucked. So I won't say that. I'll just look at the glass as only half full. Of something I didn't order.

I had famdamily in town: Big Bother and his wife aka Drama Queen. I don't want to say his wife is high maintenance, but when we went to San Antonio, she fell into the Riverwalk and spent the next two days using a cane that we bought at the mall downtown. Always some drama with that mama. So we were stuck with two planned family meals. One at my parents and one at our Shaque D'Amour.

And unfortunately, we also had the Canine Good Citizen test for the Hounds from Hell. This class ran for two months and is the prep class before you can get your pooch into being a Therapy Dog. I figuring this is a good way for the G-man to chew on some old people other than my parents.

By this point, we've got the Saturday routine thing down pretty well. Some quick public mastication of pork products and then off to the dog park to run the hounds until they drop. We've found that the dogs respond to training better if they're a little fatigues. Ideally, I like Tiki to be completely unconscious. That's when he's best behaved. Well because it poured all weekend and in my old age I've grown fussy about standing in the rain and throwing a ball for someone who doesn't want to bring it back and only wants to be chased, the wee ones didn't get their accustomed 90 mins of running in. Couple that with all the top weight loss pills he got into and he had an excess of energy.

There were a total of 5 dogs taking the test. And Tiki had to go last. Now, sitting quietly isn't exactly his strong point on his best days. Chewing on his brother, chasing anything that moves and looking adorable (while being secretly evil inside) are more of his strong points. So getting to watch other dogs run around while being told to sit quietly didn't go over well with the Tiki Monster.

And I don't want to say that Tiki failed his test so much as he gave it the Puppy Paw finger. Not only wouldn't he let the test handler come near him, but he pissed in the exam room. Twice. Nicely done. This is something he hasn't done at home for at least 6 months. So it's fair to say he really not that into the test. Oh, well. We'll try again in a while.

But at least something gave me heart this weekend.

It's always great to know that one of the most beautiful women in the world absolutely sucks at something. None of us is perfect. We all have different strengths. Whether it's obedience or looking adorable or singing. This kind of thing reminds me of a scene in The Rachel Papers where Ione Skye is doing her make up while singing completely tunelessly and throwing cotton balls on the floor while the garbage basket is literally right beside her. No matter how perfect someone looks, there's going to be something about them that would drive you up the wall.

So with that introduction, I give you Denise Richards at a Cubs game.



Who doesn't know all the words to Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Wow.

Bet she doesn't like to sit quietly either.

Anything By Three Dog Night

I wish I could take credit for this. I said it while at the dog park on Sunday. But I didn't have the industriousness to turn it into something I could post here. Until now.




My biggest worry is that now that we have Canine One, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies. And then in 6 months, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies at the shelter.

Kids, think long and hard before deciding you need to be just like the Obamaman. We've got one you could borrow most weekends. Especially if you need an alarm clock that goes off at 5:30 most mornings and has no snooze button.

Besides, the Wife thinks the Tiki Monster is cuter than Media Distraction One anyway.

That's him being Lord of All He Surveys down at the day care.

Wooly Bully

Well thanks to the commies in North Carolina, we're going to be forced to sell the Great Lakes to Canada. If only MSU had won the ball game. Oh, well. I'm sure we'll all soon get used to drinking our own urine out of the recyclers soon.

How bad is it in Michigan now? Well, we're arguing about Bull Mastiff sperm. In divorce court of course.

It's true. In Oakland County (that's the ritzy suburb outside of Detroit) a couple is arguing over who owns the sperm of their three dogs Cyrus, Reg and Romeo. Go figure Romeo is a lover and not a fighter.

So when you think maybe your job really sucks this weekend. Just remember that you could be harvesting Bull Mastiff semen in Michigan.

Man, and my dogs follow me all over the house now. Isn't the dog supposed to be man's best friend? But that probably is one way to get your dog to finally quiet down and take a nap. Hope they don't let those Big Sweeties smoke afterward.

I'll spare you any lame jokes about divorce cases being a real dog fight. You're welcome.

Have a good weekend, kids.

Lonesome Highway?

There's nothing that could go wrong with this plan....

Why can't I have a flash of inspiration and invent the jillion dollar idea that will let me lounge around the house and watch basketball all day?

I think they're going to need more than some industrial knobs attached to the side of your car though. Like at least a hole in the back of the bag for all the poop you're going to scare out of your dog when he realizes he's been attached to the side of a car.

Granted, dogs love having their head out the window. I like to think that most dogs believe that they've suddenly learned how to run really, really fast.

Luckily, getting your dog into a sack is never a problem. Not like a fenderbender might be.

Quick, to the Dogmobile.

And remember, have your car spayed or neutered.

Once Bit, Twice Shy

Our Wee One got bit at doggie day care this week.

It was like a mob hit at an Italian restaurant in New Jersey. Nobody saw nothin'.

Knowing Tiki, he probably started it.

Tiki is a tough guy though. No whining or complaining. Couldn't even tell he had a flesh wound until you put your hand on his back and came away with the CSI evidence.

Yup, that's the carnage over there. Hope nobody was having breakfast.

Luckily, it's almost square in his back so he can't reach it. This spares him from having to wear one of those collars that all the other dogs make fun of. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to get at it. That's why it looks a little red to the right of the stiches there. He's been scratching at it.

It only seems like we have to watch him 24 hours a day. In reality, it's more like 25 hours.

Unfortunately, I completely disagree with dressing up animals. Because it leads to stuff like this.

But I'll have to admit to buying a Wife Beater for the Tiki Monster. I won't let him wear it out in public, but it does perfectly cover up the stitches.

At least they made a sarcastic one.

Shock the Monkey

Earlier in the week, I had alluded to an incident with the Wee One, Tiki.

Every now and then at night before bed, he likes to sit in the corner by the wall and the couch and get the pre-sleep nap in. I know. It's tough to be a dog.

Anyway, we had recently gotten a new lamp so the Wife could read in the family room.

Well apparently Tiki isn't completely out of his chewing phase even though he's 7 months now.

So he starts going at the electrical cord. And chews through enough of it that's he's getting shocked. And can't let go. Luckily, the Wife was smart enough to yank the cord for him.

He was really freaked out and made yipping noises like nothing we'd heard out of him. And his hair was standing up. Kinda like this.

Luckily, he's fine and back to chewing on his brother like normal. The cord is repaired (cause I'm a big, strapping mountain man and can handle stuff like that), but Tiki won't sit over there any more.

I'm guessing Tiki caught Tom Wilkinson's portrayal of Ben Franklin when we were watching Adams and just wanted to try his own experiment. Which didn't go so well.

Now I've got to see about inventing some rubber dog boots for electrical work.

On the Road to Nowhere

I will confess that whilst the Wife and I were watching the Dog Show this week, we were threatening our dogs with replacement.

"That's a Japanese Akita. I'll bet he's willing to work harder than some lazy American dog."

Our hounds can't even figure out how to turn on the expensive exercise equipment we bought them so that we don't have to go out in the cold to wear them out. Ingrate mutts.

Luckily, our hounds don't have a fey haircut that the other dogs can make fun of.

The dog that won Best in Show, Stump, is 10 years old. That's 70 in dog years. But I heard he's already got a 35 year old bitch now.

Enjoy the weekend, kids.

Now I gotta go add Best In Show to my Netflix queue.

Anything by The Allan Parsons Project

I'm not sure why today seems just a tad....off. Maybe it was the Midnight Puppy Patrol Pukefest that put me off my center of being.

Or maybe it's all the hype surrounding the game tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm just feeling freaky because it's actually quiet in the house. Wife off to get her hair done. Pups wiped out from the dog park and are actually quietly asleep dreaming about romping in a field of bacon.

Which gives me to much time to think about what I should do with my life. Besides crack wise here of course. This is what happens when there's no football on and no college hoops I care about on tv. Curses.

Does anyone out there have an online project management certificate?

I was thinking about going back to school for a bit. At least until Barack hires me to be the First Dog Wrangler. You know how this always works out. You fill out all the paperwork for the background check on your Dog Wrangling skills, then it takes forever for the Committee on Government Sinecures to get around to you.

I'm good at Project Management. It's probably my inherent ability to enjoy telling other people what to do. And it's a nice mid-point until I become Benevolent Dictator for Life. Hey, Castro has to kick one of these days and Raoul isn't getting any younger.

But is the certificate more valuable than just being able to point to all the projects you've already run? Getting an IT project isn't rocket science in my book. Just double all the time estimates they give you. At one of my old employers, the IT project methodology was extremely painful. And more than 50% of the time, the estimates were off by more than 100%. You may as well have flipped a coin for that kind of accuracy.

Anyway, advice is always welcome.

Wanted Dead Or Alive

I don't want to say that I racked up major husband points this weekend, but I sat through both Mamma Mia and Marley & Me.

That's a whole lot of cinematic emotion for a big strapping mountain man like yours truly. I was briefly cheered that while Pierce Brosnan is one of the top five prettiest men in the world, he can't sing worth a damn.

And Marley and Me with Jennifer Aniston? Everyone was bawling by the end. If you're a dog person, you may want to skip the last 15 minutes and sneak into something else.

It's so sad when Marley runs off with Angelina Jolie at the end.

Hope I didn't ruin anything for anybody there.

Dog Day Afternoon

I couldn't help but notice that our Presidential Elect First Family has narrowed down its choices for First Dog to two particular breeds: Labradoodle and Portuguese Water Dog.

What kind of an asshat would have those kind of dogs? Wuh? Oh, yeah. This asshat would.

And thanks to all who thought the two Hell Hounds were frikin adorable yesterday. Yes, that's Guinness trying to bit Tiki's head after Tiki was trying to write a check his butt can't cash. Yet.

So it's with some first hand experience that I can give our President Elect a bit of advice regarding the two breeds.

The Labradoodle is a cross between the Labrador Retriever and a Poodle. While not truly non-allergenic (no dog is), the breed typically doesn't shed. First generation labradoodles tends to look scruffier and may have more hair loss than a second generation dog. Typically you get the goofy personality of the Lab and the intelligence of the Poodle.

The breed originated in Australia where they were started as service dogs for those allergic to most breeds. Despite this arcane fact, our Lab won't retrieve. Unless you count an affinity for eating poo as a retrieval skill. So rich, so creamy. Sometimes he just can't resist.

While the breed is extremely good natured, you must also be prepared that you may have a 70 pound lap dog. Who prefers a very comfortable position that puts pressure on your bladder.

The Portuguese Water Dog has bred in his namesake country to assist fishermen by pulling nets and carrying messages back to shore. As such, they have an extremely powerful bite. Especially for things like shoes, hand towels, brother dogs, ice cubs, newspapers or tennis balls.

You may also wish to consult your peer Ted Kennedy as he owns a Portie that he brings to the office and is named Splash. Yes, you'd think someone with that kind of history would avoid any mention of water. It could have been worse, he could have named him Oldsmobile or Chappaquiddick.

As a working class dog, the Portie is better than an Apidexin. Think of him as a furry exercise machine. You won't need to worry about getting too much Oval Office time as you'll be walking that little critter for a couple of hours a day. But at least this will give you an excuse to get outside to sneak a quick smoke. As your Mother-In-Law is moving in, there's no way you're quitting this year.

The Portie is also non-allergenic. But while they don't shed, when they role in horse manure, it's really not a function of how much hair they're letting loose in the house. Sometimes those exotic smells are just too ripe to ignore. Luckily the breed likes water so when you have to wash that horse poo out, it's not too bad. Just ask Tiki. Yesterday. Ah, the joys of pet ownership.

And while this media distraction very important decision that impacts our entire country should not be entered lightly, it might be best if you made sure any chosen dog would be the right fit with your family, lifestyle and new home. Toward that end, if you'd like to borrow for an indefinite period of time either of the breeds, I'm sure we could reach some sort of accommodation. Something in the nature of Ambassador to a country with lots of beaches or some other type of sinecure.

Good luck, B.O. You're going to need it. Better warn your security detail that poop scooping has been added to their job description.

Just remember that if you ever accidentally lock your dog and your wife in the garage for an hour, when you open that door, your dog will be happy to see you.

Once Bit Twice Shy

If you recently got a law degree from Baylor University, you're in some august company. No matter what the employment industry says, we can never have too many lawyers.

This lawyer is special though. He's a dog.

Yes, Skeeter, a black labrador retriever, has been "attending" law school with his mistress Amy Jones ever since she was injured in an accident. Too bad he's not a beagle. Because then he'd be a legal, ah nevermind. Way too easy.

When Amy got her law degree, Skeeter also received an honorary degree. Awww, I'm sure he's a big sweetie. Please say that aloud in your best dog voice just to annoy your fellow cube dwellers.

And according to the story, sometimes Skeeter would even growl during a professor's lecture. Personally, I'd have used that growl to scare the profs off from calling on me. Or maybe just a little errant tinkle to let the prof know how much we appreciate their attempts at humor. Yes, I'm talking to you, Professor Dobbs.

I wonder what kind of cases Skeeter will take?

• Dog bites (of course, he's a natural)
• Divorce (wouldn't you like to sic an attack dog on your soon to be ex?)
• Drug possession prosecution (he can sniff out the guilty party)
• Principal & Agency (he's used to dealing with the discharge of a fiduciary duty)
• Medical Malpractice (who'd be better at dealing with doctors than someone who's been neutered?)

He'd be a lousy negotiator though. You could get anything you want if you just rub his belly. Surprisingly, this is the same tactic the NFL used with former Player's Association executive director, Gene Upshaw.

Dog And Butterfly

This is Tiki.

He's a new resident of Utah. Portuguese Water Dog (just like Ted Kennedy. I do whatever Ted does), 10 weeks old, about 12 lbs, completely fearless.

I forget that my Big Bother had told me having two dogs is like having 4. He's wrong. Per uzh for the Big Bother. It's more like 8.

That's Guinness the Wonder Dog playing with Tiki. And by playing I mean trying to eat his head.

Like a true brudda, Guinness keeps taking Tiki's small stuff and Tiki keeps taking Guinness' big stuff. So glad we spent that extra money on puppy food.

This is Tiki laying on Guinness' bed chewing on Guinness' toy.

And this is Tiki chewing on Guinness.

Tiki's aliases are currently Shadow, Tripper and Shitmonkey. Hey, if you're going to unplug ethernet cords from behind the tv, you've got to expect to be called a little Shitmonkey.

Housebreaking, crate training and not chewing bark. Tiki's got a little learning to do. Luckily, I am the Poo Whisperer. What a rare gift. And one that you typically don't list on a resume.

Now does anyone have Cesar Milan's direct number?

Who Let the Dogs Out

Reason #682 to Love Utah

We've got restaurants where they let you dine with your doggy. (warning that's a PDF). Thanks to the Salt Lake City Weekly for clueing in this hound owner on the al fresco opportunity ala K9.

It's true. Up Millcreek Canyon at the Loghaven Restaurant, you can enjoy a pate on the patio with your pooch.

Now, I've had dinner with a few dogs before. But at least their acne wasn't too bad. And those weren't just prom dates. Hiyo. And I didn't really mind when she licked my face during the slow dances.

They also have a drink menu featuring doggy themed drinks: Poodle-tini, Irish Setter Coffee and Salty Chihuahua. Sounds pretty tame to me. If I'm going to go with a dog themed dining experience, go nuts with it. Because most of the dogs probably won't have theirs.

Menu Recommendations:

• Bichon Frise Bacon Burger
• Samoyed Salmon
• Havanese Jalapeno Halibut
• Duck ala Dalmatian (with Sour Cream & Black Olives)
• Labradoodle Lasagna
• Springer Spaniel Spanish Paella
• Mastiff Minestrone (for large appetites)
• Chow Chow Cornish Game Hen
• English Bulldog Eggs Bearnaise
• Jack Russell Jerked Chicken

I could go on all day with this list. But you knew that already.

Do you think the restaurant has a No Smoking and No Humping section?

Black Dog

My dog, Guinness the Wonder Dog, has begun to criticize my driving.

It happened this morning on the way in to work. Oh, yeah, he's got a job. Apperently he applied for some jobs in Philadelphia and it turns out they have a Utah affiliate. What his job? He licks himself on a webcam. Hey, I think it's sick and wrong too, but if people are going to subscribe to doglicking.com, who am I to judge?

Anyhoo, we're on the way in to work and I hit a pothole. Hard. And the Hound stands up from where he'd been sleeping and looks at me. Yeah, I know.

He doesn't like sticking his head out the window and pretending to fly in the morning. He prefers to take a little cat nap to save up his energy for all that licking.


So the look. It wasn't the head cocked WTF luck. It was the full bore, dead stare, stop it look. The same look you get before the bath. The "Hey, fucko, I'm napping here." It had fingers, I know which one he'd have been showing to me.

I still think he's just pissed about this. I was trying to keep snow off his paws. It lasted about 2 minutes. Who knew dogs had such long memories? Jeez.

Get Your Wieners Running

Sure my friends tease me about having two wives or not being able to sit next to drunk people on the train. But Utah does have the Trax and the crazy people and the homeless people love to sit by me whenever I ride.

Sure Utah doesn’t have a mayor who likes to sext to his Chief of Staff on his city-supplied Blackberry. And you know they made jokes during their trysts. I’m imagining something like when Annette Bening is having sex with Peter Gallagher in American Beauty, but instead Kwame Kilpatrick is having Christine Beatty say “I’m your Chief of Staff. I’m your Chief of Staff.”

And Utah lakcs a governor whose limousine has a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be whorin" and "This limo brakes for all ho's."

Nor does it have a an-exgov-now-gay who allegedly had threesomes with someone on his staff (so to speak) and his wife. And you know they've got his laptop computer where it's got "3sum @ Friday's" on every Friday for a couple of years in his calendar.


But Utah does have the most important thing any state should have. Of course I'm talking 'bout the Wiener Nationals. Yes, before next Friday's game between the Jazz and the Spurs, there will be dauschhund dashing before the game. And the qualifiers get to be in the finals during half time. As this game in going to be televised on TNT, you may want to set your TIVO to see if you can catch the half-time festivities. Because who wants to see Sir Charles run his jib when you can see some fast wieners going head to head.

Or is that what Mrs. McGreevey said? C'mon, you didn't really think I could go an entire post about racing Wiener dogs and not make a cheap dick joke did you? Mea culpa.

So get on out to the Wiener Nationals and enjoy the majesty and grace that is wiener racing. You'll be glad you did. I just hope none of those pooches are popping the 'roids like in last years race. And remember, if a Wienerdog goes into the crowd, don't throw him back. He's yours to keep.

Bend It Like Bowser

The response to my post about Utah was so enthusiastic, I just had to write some more about my newly adopted state. Did I adopt it or did it adopt me? Whatever. Nevermind.

Anyhoo, Salt Lake has a real live soccer team called Real Salt Lake. There's no mascot. Like the Real Salt Lake Gaysters (hey, check out the uniform over there on the right and tell me that doesn't fit) or the Snoozers (for all the exciting scoring in soccer) or the Hired Guns from Some South American Soccer-Loving Nation Because Our Dang Kids Would Rather Be Playing Xbox.

I can't help it. I've never cared for soccer. And this isn't just some dumb American, there's not enough scoring like real football response. I actually used to play soccer. For one year. That was plenty. We were the crummiest team in the league and used to routinely get abused by other teams especially that team from the Catholic private school that had the kids who were already shaving at 10 years of age. I was one of only two kids all year who scored a goal. We lost every game but one in which we tied the other crummiest team in the other division. It was like a battle of the spazzes. So I hate soccer for a good reason.

But to get the G-man ready for life out here, I'm teaching him to play soccer. Yes, that's his soccer ball. And yes, that is an actual real live tumbleweed right behind him. Remember this is the Wild Wild West, pardner.

So far he isn't much good at heading, but he is good at dribbling. Well, drooling to be more specific. But if the object of soccer were to put the ball entirely in your mouth and play keep away, Guinness would be an all star. No, he still wouldn't wear that queer jersey.

Just Plain Wrong

I can't help the way my mind works. There is no off position on the genius switch. Or maybe that's the crazy switch.

Now I don't approve of people who dress up their dogs. Dogs don't want clothing and I secretly think that the other dogs are making fun of them for wearing it. So when I saw this advert from the the Polo Peeps, I hated it. Come on, it's a sheep dog for crying out loud. He's already a hair ball and then you're throwing a shirt on him. If he had sweat glands, I bet he'd be perspiring under those hot photo shoot lights.

So of course this got me thinking. So I took the swell new free mock turtleneck I scored from Clothing4All.com and tried it out on my fashion model. I haven't even worn it yet because I won't wear clothes until they're washed and all the tags are cut out. I know -- crazy. Leave me alone.

Here's how my model did. I know grey isn't his color. He's just not a Winter.

I'm guessing that Clothing4All.com didn't realize what a big target demographic they had for pet clothing. It's going to be almost as big as tv for cats.
Guinness the Wonder Dog was amazingly patient during this hijink (the singular of hijinx). No animals were hurt in the production of this post. He was back up and licking himself in no time. But I fully expect to find a dookie in one of my shoes tonight.

Walking On Sunshine

Because it's getting to be the time of year when snow actually falls and sticks in the Great Grey North (check local listings), I'm trying to teach the hairy one that walking on the treadmill is good for him.

For some strange reason, he'd just rather do this:

When not trying to be the world's hairiest lap blanket, Guinness the Wonder Dog loves to run around like a maniac. Thus far that involves someone being outside to observe the insanity and not just doing it while staying in the same place ala the treadmill.

And someone actually asked if he was named after the actor. As far as you know, it's the Big Book of Records. Because the picture of the world's longest fingernails didn't traumatize me enough when I was a spud. Brilliant.