Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Shot Through the Heart

I finally figured out why silencers are so popular here in the Mild, Mild West.

It's because if you're going to sit on the deck of your house and shoot at deer, you don't want to annoy the neighbors.

Now I'm not a hunter by trade (and I don't even play one on tv), so I don't get all fired up to get my Bambi-slaying on. I can go straight to telling lies and enjoying adult beverages without getting lost in the woods first or having an encounter with the crew from Deliverance.

But yes, those are actual deer across the street from my house. I apologize for the lovely blue tint from the Crap Cam 2000, but that's what you get when you try to carry a pop in your slippers while shooting action photography.

Maybe I need to get one of those swell photography books, and learn me how to take some real National Geographic type action photos. Forget it, anything important to see will eventually be on Youtube.

I can't wait until Guinness the Wonder Dog finally figures out there is a herd of deer in the back yard. Maybe we'll have venison for Easter....

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Time Is Not on My Side

I started a new job this week. Is it too soon to hate a job after less than 5 days? Okay, hate is a strong word, but I'm already over having to do the commuting thing for an hour each way. It wouldn't be that bad if traffic didn't suck during the Winter and driving in the absolute teeth of rush hour doesn't help either. And getting up at 5:00 am each day to be able to do this isn't on my short list of fun stuff either. So Initech better appreciate me showing up (on time) with a bright shining face each morn. This certainly can't last long. So it seems like I have no time right now. Thus the paucity of snarky blog posts.

We'll fix at least a little of that right now.

Reason # 327 why I love Utah. Yup, take a peek at this actual coupon from the sports section of the local paper.

Damn, I wish I could have found that swell coupon (even though it's not a Bluefly coupon) before Valentine's Day.

Because love means never having to say your gun is too loud.

Luckily you can head down there at 9:00 am and get your silencer on. So that early morning shooting spree won't disturb the neighbors. Especially when you let their dog have it for pooping in your yard.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Cuts Like a Knife

Every now and then I'll try to think about what makes the Midwest unique. Is it the awful weather? Is it the numerous foreclosures in the crummy real estate market? Is it the crazies who live there? I'm going with the latter.

In Adrian, Michigan, Frank Kozumplik was arrested for driving his lawnmower while drunk. And this may come as a shock, but Frank had taken his lawnmower to the liquor store. There he bought 4 bottles of wine. When police pulled Fugitive Frank over, he was down to two bottles. So you know he was having a good time. Frank might have to do the old lawn by hand next Spring as the cops also impounded his mower.

I wonder if they knew he'd been drinking because the mower cuts on the lawns weren't in perfectly straight lines? And when they tried to pull him over I'll bet he acted like he couldn't hear them over the mower engine. That never gets old when you don't want to talk to your neighbor.

Now I've never driven a lawnmower while intoxicated, so I'm not sure what the perfect auto accessories for a mower are. I always figured you'd just need a cooler. But Frank was going with the vino for his jaunt. I'm guessing there wasn't a cork involved in this kind of wine. Because there's no way you can steer a lawnmower and operate a corkscrew at the same time. Yes, this is probably good old screwtop wine. I also think a boxed wine might be the way to go here. That way if the mower vibrated too much and your wine fell off the mower, it wouldn't break.

Frank had to have really wanted it. Because you know riding around a mower in the Winter in Michigan has got to be a bit brisk. How could you even get it started in your mittens? I had trouble getting the dang thing started in the Summer.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Lent It Be

While I visiting prospective employers yesterday, I couldn't help but notice few of the peons toiling for The Man bore the mark of Ash Wednesday. I don't know if that's because few of them made the church run or that there are only 9 Catholics in the entire State.

Lent for me? This year I'm giving up snakes. Oh and self-denial.

And just in time for the giving up something you really like season, Kirsten Dunst is entering one of the fine drug treatment centers here in Utah. Taking a page from Brit's book, she's hitting the Cirque Lodge which touts itself as one of the "nation's most exclusive drug treatment centers." Wow, when you're exclusive and name after the popular Vegas circus, you know it's got to be tough on the celeb. Thanks to the Reining Frog for clueing me in to my new neighbor. I'm going to run right down to Cirque with a surprise package of Spiderman Underoos to welcome KD to the neighborhood. Size XS of course.

So while some are being forced to give up things, others need a little prodding in the right direction. I figured rather than let people decide what to give up for Lent, we could decide for them. So here's the list of what peeps should be giving up. Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Kirsten Dunst - vacant staring into space
Keith Richards - horse tranquilizers
Mick Jagger - dating his daughter's girlfriends
Oprah - buying 3rd World countries
Hillary Clinton - going through Bill's text messages
Bill Clinton - brunettes (blondes & redheads still okay)
John McCain - lying about the money he took in the Savings & Loan scandal in the 90's
Barack Obama - referring to Hillary as "My Main Biatch"
Paris Hilton - pretending to be sober
Britney Spears - underwear and freedom
Matthew McConaughey - naked bongo playing
Jay Leno's Writers - Bill Clinton blowjob jokes
Mike Huckabee - break dancing
Fox Television Network - what remains of their dignity
Demi Moore - making Ashton join the Clean Plate Club each night at dinner

Monday, February 04, 2008

Just the Same Old Song

People keep asking me what is Utah really like? Is it a provincial town where religion is the dominant political force and separation of church and state is a joke or is it a high-tech mecca where all cultures are welcome and everyone just really wants to ski when they're not speculating in commercial real estate? The answer is both but to really explore that dichotomy I need more time and reflection and beer. Of course, because the Sundance Film Festival is going on right now and my Aquaman buds are keeping me out till all hours of the night (past 9:30!) snowboarding with James Cameron, the mystery that is Utah hasn't really sunk in.

How is it different? Well I don't ever remember anyone at the gym complaining that the videos they show were too racy. Seriously, they're showing porn at the gym? I'd be in much better shape had I known this was going on. But on the downside, make sure you really, really wipe off the machines before you get on one. College kids complaining about racy music videos? My head may 'splode. I gotta call the cable company though and see if I can get the Gold's Gym Channel on my tv. It's probably right between the NFL channel and the Big Ten channel.

How is it the same? Luckily teenagers are still around to give us homemade porn via their cell phones. I'm sure nothing could go wrong with sending a few semi-innocent pictures of your naughty bits to your buds.

Well kids, gotta run. I've got a meeting with some producers about the film version of Parrot Trooper. I don't actually have a movie, but I've got a swell trailer and I figure that's all you really need. Hey, if the Simpsons could get away with it why not me? I just want the nexus of film, art and techology that is Bob the Talking Parrot to change the world, inspire people, end social injustice, eradicate poverty and make me a shiatload of money.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

The End Is Nigh

If you're headed to Sin City to bet all your money on the Stupor Bowl, be on the lookout for renegade dancers.

Yup, police are reporting: 11:51 a.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Broad Street reported an individual dancing like a robot in a parking lot. Police were unable to locate the dancer.

If someone is doing the robot dance in a parking lot, you'd better call the cops. Over at Sony, it's a crime rampage.

When the robot dance is outlawed, only outlaws will be robot dancing. Maybe whomever called the cops was Baptist?

You can have my robot dance when you pry it from my cold, animatronic android hand.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Teutonic Temper Tantrum

A lot of people don't know that Hitler was a Cowboys fan.

And don't bother inviting him to your Super Bowl party. You don't want to hang out with Hitler. He's a mean drunk.

Windmill Jousting

In addition to getting all those personalized domain names set up, I've been fighting with my wireless network for about a week now. While I'm not a complete geek, I do know about 'puters and I've set a home network up about 3 or 4 times.

Right now, however, I've got a notwork set up. That's a home network that is extremely secure from outside intrustion because it won't do shit. Everytime I hook up my router to my cable modem, it loses the interwebs connection. It doesn't matter what order I try rebooting, I'm stumped.

I wish I could get one of them there swell free hub. Unfortunately, I need one of those real geeks to fly over here on Virgin Atlantic and hook the bad boy up for me. It's really frustrating.

I'm not even sweating the speedtest. I know it'll work like a charm, but for some reason it's doing zip. I may need to get a crowbar if this keeps up all weekend.

Anyone else have something that just simply won't work no matter what you do? Besides your brother-in-law on the couch I mean.