Eternal Flame

Hiya, kids! It's almost July 4th. And as Americans, it's our civic duty to take the day off, eat grilled meat, drink and blow stuff up! Remember, if you skip any of those, the terrorists win.

I will confess to working one summer in a fireworks distribution center. That means I loaded semi's. And got a lot of illegal fireworks when we had stuff left over at the end of the season. Why are all the best fireworks available the very next state over? Lucky stiffs.

But if you're worried about fireworks safety, don't. Because all the fireworks are made in China. And we know what sticklers they are for public safety. So when you read the extremely detailed safety instructions on your illegal fireworks, just follow them carefully.

• Light fuse
• Place on ground
• Get away

That's right. Get away. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

But these guys said it best. It's Paul and Storm and it's 4 minutes in. Enjoy!

Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Wish I were as funny as the cats over at someecards.

Pop, hope you're not out golfing in the rain like all the other fools in New York.

We Got the Meat?

(with apologies to the GoGo's)

There's something wrong with me. Something very, very wrong. No, not my fascination with boobies and stupid stuff. That's normal. Normal, I tell you.

It happens when I go to the butcher store.

This is an Occasion. Note the cap O. Because the real, live butcher store is across town. So it's a planned event. And because it's not an everyday happening like just stopping by the Sprawl-Mart or Try-N-Save, it somehow seems special.

Special in being able to ask a white-apron-bedecked man questions about his meat. Yes, that just sounds dirty. It's not, you pre-verts.

And because this weekend is a good one (extra days for grilling, smoking, beer-drinking, back porch philosophizing), we'll be doing some extra meating around these here parts.

Here's what is currently on tap:

• Pork Shoulder (currently cooking in the Crock Pot 'O Doom with about a cup of apple cider and some sea salt; it's just for tonight--no biggie)
• Beer Can Chicken (two of these bad boys will go in the Big Green Egg for some smoking)
• Porterhouse Steaks (these will get grilled on the regular ole propane grill. Probably on Sunday as they're currently marinating in some red wine with whole peppercorns and Italian seasoning)
• Baby Back Ribs (one rack currently rubbed with some of Billy Bones rub; the other is marinating in some teriyaki. Both will get smoked for a few hours, wrapped in foil and then finished on the propane grill)
• Lamb Shanks (these look like lil baby t-bone steaks. I love grilled lamb. These are small so may either get thrown on the smoker in some stray space and used as an appetizer or grilled by there own selves. Currently in the same marinade as the Porties)
• Sun-Dried Tomato & Chicken Sausage (these will get smoked on the Egg. I cram them in where there's room and then use the snausage in a pasta sauce during the week. Or maybe I sneak one when I'm outside with a stick and beer while I "supervise" the outdoor cooking demonstration)
• Bratwurst (same as the chicken snausage above)

See what I mean about a problem? There's no way all this gets cooked and eaten this weekend. And we'll have to run the dogs in the morning or they'll smell all that meat cooking and turn on me and start gnawing on my face when they figure out it's not for them.

Oh, and the only side I've got done is some pasta salad already chilling in the fridge. There's also some random talk of either baked or twice-baked spuds. Maybe a fruit salad if I'm feeling saucy.

But you've got to admit. Too much meat is a good problem to have.

What are you up to this weekend? Whatever it is, hope ya'll have a good Memorial Day, kids.

Fifth of Beethoven

Enjoy the marketing weasel made up faux holiday driven by the liquor companies, kids.

Wish I could say it better than the geniuses at someecards. But I can't.

Cinco de Mayo (and shouldn't all our holidays just be named after the date? So much simpler) is a Mexican celebration of a battle victory over the French.

I think we can all agree that defeating the French is something to be celebrated. No one has managed to defeat them before. Good thing Germany doesn't take this approach or there would be no Mercedes Benz.

Shake Rattle and Roll

If you're lucky enough to be near Chicago today, hope you're having fun. Because it's Talk Like Shakespeare Day. I'm sure this won't get old at all. Just like Talking Like a Pirate.

I know, it always sneaks up on you. Barely time enough to buy all the presents and get the tree up. Make sure you take the time out to take the kids to the parade and sit on Bill's lap. Some traditions have to endure. Just like the Dude.

Luckily, Chicago has everything else taken care of so they can go ahead and focus on Sweet William's words of wisdom. Which probably means that the Bleacher Creatures will be chanting "Thou Sucketh" to the opposing team at Wrigley.

Granted most everyone knows about Shakespeare is what they learned from the musical Hamlet episode of Gilligan's Island or Atomic Shakespeare on Moonlighting. But some of us were lucky enough to get the Bard shoved down our throats quite a bit. That only sounds dirty. But it comes in handy all the time.

Can you imagine anything more romantic than getting down on a knee, pulling out one of those flashy engagement rings and using a couplet or three to propose to your prospective proposee?

Canst thou seeth love in my life
If thou consent to be my wife?
If problems come, twill not matter
Ere we stay in iambic pentameter.

I'm telling you guys, Niagra Falls. And the Canadian side, where it looks bigger.

So when someone cuts you off today on the Dan Ryan, don't give them the finger. Simply roll down the window and give them a Shakespearean Insult:

"Thou ungrateful Turk! Thou whey faced loon!"

Enjoy the day, kids.

Hope you're not one of those ancillary characters who gets stuck with all the exposition.

Breakfast In America

I love going out to breakfast. It probably stems from my inability to time everything required for an in home breakfast to come out in anything other than a successive wave of food. Toast, eggs, potatoes at the same time? Forget about it. That's beyond my culinary skillz.

And I love going out for breaky despite our long running national battle with The Bacon Shortage. I mean, there must be a shortage. How else can you explain only getting 2 pieces of bacon at a time? We're rationing.

And Easter breakfast is especially good.

Because I get to use my favorite joke of the year when the waitress asks me how I want my eggs:

"Easter. And can you hide them from me?"

Even better, this never gets anything other than a confused look from her. It's like a law. A powerful federal law. Not one of those wimpy little state laws.

Now I've got to finish my omelet before I go get another one.

I Wonder

How in the hell was I not informed of this? And it's only a day. Really, it should be a month. Maybe all Summer long just to be on the safe side.

And I didn't even have time to put up a tree this year.

I blame the Cleavacious people. They really ought to be sponsoring this kind of activity in North America for crying out loud. They'd have lots and lots of volunteers to help. Though they'd probably all be men.

This is exactly the type of holiday we need. Especially when people's spirits and the economy both need a lift.

See, you can relax. We're back to our regularly scheduled cheap boobie jokes.

So relax and enjoy National Cleavage Day. I've got to get a cheap flight to New Zealand.

Cherry Pie

Congratulations numerologists, circle aficionados and math geeks enthusiasts everywhere!

That's right, it's Pi Day. For the journalism majors with us, Pi = 3.14 ad infinitum, thus, it's celebrated on March 14th. Personally, I always liked it best when expressed as 22/7. What a rebel!

Pi is an irrational number which means it will continue infinitely without repeating. And talk about its feelings during sporting events. Hiyo! Kidding. Kinda.

Just because you've never used that algebra shoved down your throat during high school, that doesn't make Pi any less important. Where would you be without knowing how to calculate the ratio of a circle to its diameter. Oh, right. Exactly where you are right now.

So hurry and finish getting the tree up and wrapping your presents for Pi Day. Or maybe even write a Pi-ku. It's like a haiku, but they've apparently completely forgotten the 5-7-5 syllable requirements.

Man, I just long for the old days when Pi Day really meant something and they'd sacrifice a virgin for the crops.

Here's a much better Pi-Ku:

Pi is a number

Without ending, it goes on

Just like staff meetings

Me, I'm just going to eat some. Ala mode. Which is French for "with mode."

We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off

...but it sure the heck helps.

The wonderminds over at someecards have captured it exactly for me.

You should be doing this romance stuff all the time not just on Hallmark holidays. Especially now that football season is over.

Impromptu gifts are always a good idea. And will immediately make your mate/spouse/squeeze wonder why you're feeling so guilty that you sprung for a gift.

Don't worry kids. You can't win, but it's most important that you're trying to play the game.

Speaking of games, here's your pop quiz:

Women are to flowers as Men are to .....

a) beer

b) blowjobs

c) steak

d) sexy lingerie

e) all of the above

Enjoy the pressure-packed day!

Love Will Keep Us Together

It's almost here, kids. The favorite, completely manufactured holiday that you love to hate: Cupid Is Stupid Day.

You may know it as Valentine's Day. You're less educated friends may know it as Valentimes Day. I wish I were making that up.

Yes, it's once again your chance to fail at meeting your sweetie's expectations.

This primarily is for the men out there. Both of you. Because the pressure is on us. Women just have to show up with beer and get nakey on the 14th. We have to meet those increased expectations and have grand plans that involve romance.

I remember one Valentimes where the girl I had asked the girl I was dating what she wanted. She said, "I just want you to be extra sweet to me all day long."

"Flowers it is," was my reply.

I've since learned not to be so lippy around teh womenfolk.

It's best to just go with the most expensive jewelry you can afford, pretend you're listening while she's talking about feelings, and go to the drive through and do it bunches.

Gentlemen, there are several gifts you probably should avoid:

• Fur bra liners (even if you live somewhere really cold)
• Any household appliance
• BitterSweets
• Tattoo gift certificate (good for your name only)
• Ceiling fans
• Flowers from the gas station
• A misspelled cake
• Batteries
• ShamWow
• A Snuggie with a strategically cut hole
• Dinner out at any restaurant involving a coupon
• Tiddy Bear
• Health club membership

I'm sure there are others.

What's the worst VD gift you ever got? Or gave?

Sticky Fingers

It's almost D day, kids. Well, X day anyway. You've got just a week to come up with some Xmas loot that's going to shut those kids up for a while so you can get some peace and quiet.

Sure, you could call my toll free number at 1-900-SantaMe (only $2.95 per minute) to let your kids pretend to talk to one of Santa's helpers. And if that voice on the other end has an accent that sounds suspiciously like Chinese, don't worry. The Chinese don't celebrate Xmas, but they're really our elves. Because they make all the toys. And hardly and lead in them this year.

And while Santa Claus isn't an international phenomenon (but he has aliases like Father Christmas and Kris Kringle and Jennifer Garner), around the world, kids all want the same thing: a stick.

That's Sean Morey singing in case you didn't recognize him.

Get shopping kids!

Just Another Xmas Song

If you didn't get the chance to catch the Stephen Colbert Christmas Special on Comedy Central, you can still pick up the dvd in plenty of time for the holidays. No, I'm not secretly Stephen Colbert (as far as you know) nor do I get a dime for each disc that moves.

I just appreciate funny stuff when I see it.

You can too. This is the opening.

Enjoy.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Present Tense

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but it's only 2 weeks until Xmas. That's right, you better have something decent for that loved one in your life. Not like last year when you bought everything at the truck stop. Sure the flowers were nice, but no one wants to get jerky for the holidays. Even if it is that swell teriyaki flavor in the one pound bag.

So here are some tips (many, many tips) for your holiday shopping.

Gift Cards: Giving these are really popular right now. Stores like them because they've got your money now and with any luck your giftee will misplace it. That's just one flaw in your cunning plan. The other? Sure, you think you're getting someone something from their favorite store. You've just given them an errand. Thanks, you shouldn't have. And even worse. You've told them exactly how much they mean to you. It's a nice round figure. Do you really want that special someone to know you value your relationship at the figure of exactly $100? Didn't think so.

Pets: It seems so romantic. You get him or her a puppy. Don't. Pet shelters get more pets in January than any other months of the year. It may sound like a good idea. But when Sparky chews up her Jimmy Choo's, do you still think she'll be happy with him? Or you?

A Donation In Your Name: The ultimate scam gift. Actually not a bad idea if you're a complete cheapskate. Just get an official looking card (and you can probably download one) and tell them you made a very generous donation. You bought goats for the entire village in their name. Thanks, I'm sure those goats are much better than getting me Rock Band 2. Don't fake adopting a kid though, because you'll eventually have to pony up some more letters and a picture. Keep it simple. No goat is going to want to be your pen pal.

Lingerie: Really a gift for you not for her. And what's the deal with lingerie? Victoria's Secret? She's a man, baby. As a complete tangent, I don't get lingerie. When did lace covering ever clinch the deal for anyone? By the time in the evening wherein I might be able to see whether or not my sex kitten-elect might be wearing lingerie, I'd made up my mind a long time ago about whether we would or wouldn't. It's not like I would all of a sudden see the cat suit and say, "Nope, I'm outta here." To put it in gift giving terms, even a really great wrap job on a pair of socks isn't going to make you glad you got a pair of socks.

Clothing: A good idea in theory. Never works out in practice. First, if you get the size wrong, she thinks you think she's fat. Unless you really want to play this up and get her a size 5 and act like that's what size you think she is. She may appreciate how deluded you are. Second, people don't buy other people what they want they buy what they want them to wear. It's why women give men blazers and men give women lingerie. Don't buy for you, buy for them. But it's probably just best to avoid the temptation to get her to wear that monogrammed football jersey and go with....

Jewelry: Yeah, I don't get it. But women love the sparkly stuff. Even if it's not huge or garish, they'll love it. But it can never be too big. Yes, that's what she said.

Good luck with the shopping kids. You're going to need it.

I'd Have Voted For This Rudy

It's tonight.  Can you feel it?  The most important television event ever.  Yup, it's Rudolph.  Per uzh.  And just because they've been showing it since 1964, don't think you can miss it.  If you do miss it, your head might explode.  It's been known to happen.  I read about in on the interwebs somewhere.  I lost the link.  Sorry.

And don't think you can just watch it on DVD.  If you do that you'll miss the commercials.  And then you won't buy stuff for Xmas.  And then the terrorists win.  Besides Santa sliding down a hill on an electric shaver never gets old.

Anyway to whet your collective appetites, here's a little list for you.  You knew we'd eventually get here.

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

10) Named to Barack Obama's transition team

9) Still has bitter feelings toward Bambi after working as his stunt double

8) Accused Yukon Cornelius of "naughty touch"

7) Has a restraining order against King Moonracer

6) Even more bitter than the Cavemen after losing out to a gecko for that car insurance advert

5) Frequently "dive bombs" Superman's Fortress of Solitude after Mrs. Claus' infamous taco night

4) Had nosed fixed in expensive rhinoplasty after Yukon Cornelius settlement

3) Shot at from a helicopter by Sarah Palin

2) Considers Mrs. Claus his bff.  Santa?  Not so much.

1) Still won't let Hermey touch his teeth

Enjoy the big show tonight, kids.

Tutti Rudi

Yes, I know I've written about this before. And before. I can't help it that the best thing I've ever written on this here blog is stupid stuff about clay. Suck it, monkeys. It's not a re-run; it's a classic.

But the best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 PM on CBS (check local listings). Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

It's that great/crappy claymation and a great drinking game. Take a sip every time Rudolph's nose lights up to play "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic.

I've seen this show way too many times and can actually do most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of any houseguests). And I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer depicts the common literary theme regarding the struggle of man against

There are also, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superior flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarice. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the Reindeer Flight Practice.
• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? Throughout the entire show, it is appropriate to yell, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius!"
• Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
• All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning and stem cell research?
• Clarice's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities? Transgendered? PMS?
• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. King Moonracer is a caricature of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies. Discuss other examples of the Island of Misfit Toys undermining U.S. Foreign Policy.
• Rudolph's Mother and Clarice are initially denied joining in the search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
• The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?
• Santa "delivers" the toys by throwing them from his sled. Yet the BirdFish who we have learned earlier is unable to fly is not given an umbrella and is instead thrown to his death from Santa's sleigh. Is this an indictment against genetic mutations?

Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.

Blue Christmas

Well, it's finally here. Despite what the retailers have been shoving done your throat since Halloween, it's now safe to discuss Christmas without receiving a boot to the head.

Go ahead and start listening to that lame FM station that only plays carols, it's safe now.

And in Scotland, they're celebrating St. Andrews Day. By painting the sheep blue. Really. That's the celebratory baa boys over there.

The reason for this dye job according to the sheepmaster Andrew Jack is that St. Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland and that blue is the national color of Scotland. And while it's not in the article, I'm guessing liquor was involved. Probably Scotch.

Whatever.

Here in the States, you should be hard at work on your Amazon wish list for all those obscure items you need friends and family to buy you. Because it's up to us consumers to bail out the economy. If you're not giving, and giving extravagantly, the terrorists win. And our economy will suck.

So get out there and get shopping. It's only the rampant consumerism and endless repetition of holiday specials that makes the season meaningful.

Here's my list so far:

• Every Xbox 360 game released between Oct. 31 and Dec. 24
• Radioactive spider traps (how else am I going to get my super powers)
• A real live football team for Detroit (clearly, the Lions aren't working out this year)
• A singing Elvis robot
• Bacon Tuxedo (so classy for that New Year's event)
• Some sweet pirate stuff

Oh, and I'll probably want some stupid stuff too.

What do you want for xmas, kids?

Turkey in the Straw

I realize that we've discussed on prior occasions the joy that is the Thanksgiving prank.

But I have heard about a new one for your turkey this year.

Cut an onion in half.  Loosen the skin on the breast of your turkey.  Slide in the onion halves on opposing sides of the breast bone.  Viola, your own baked in implants.

As the turkey cooks, the onions stay in place and you can provide your bird with a statuesque profile.

Enjoy the day kids.

Pretty Fry for a White Guy

As threatened, in advance of the official US Turkey day, here are some snaps from the illicit, non-league sanctioned Turkey Day we did in advance of my departure to Mexico.

We actually cooked two birds: one injected with Creole Butter, the other just plain.

This is the Initial Danger Phase. I'm dropping the bird into oil that's about 375 F.

You cook that bad boy for 3.5 minutes per pound. And because you try to use a bird that's no bigger than 12 pounds (or you'll send that hot oil over the sides of the pot and onto the propane flame), it's typically done in about 45 mins or less.

Get your appetite suppressant because this is what he looks like before the diners tear into it.

That leg looks a little askew as I was trying to get him out of the oil and into the serving tray with a little too much vigor apparently.

It was well received. At least this picture would indicate.

Yeah, not much left. And one guy in our group made the turkey his screen saver. That's high praise from the geek squad.

Try not to make snarky comments about Meemaw's really dry turkey on Thursday. Just think about that frozen turkey pot pie and bottle of Wild Turkey you have waiting for you at home.

So what's everyone else's plans for Thursday? Other than watching the Lions get blown out of course.

Fryday

While some of you are probably still recovering from your Halloween induced diabetic coma, some of us are on to bigger and better things. Like Thanksgiving.


Is there any better salute to gluttony than Turkey Day? For our non-North American readers out there, Thanksgiving is the day we celebrate what we have by gorging ourselves with food. It was started by the Pilgrims who celebrated surviving the godawful weather of the Northeast by taking the Native American's land but letting them have casinos. While the tradition has evolved some over the years, every Thanksgiving Americans gather together to watch a parade, hope a balloon gets loose, watch the Lions lose and re-enact the first scene of Se7en.


So at work today, we're having a little pot luck celebration in advance of Thanksgiving. This reporter will be frying a turkey. Because nothing says thanks like 4 gallons of hot oil. It's the danger that makes it so delicious.


I may just have to run down to the store and pick up a little bacon while I'm at it.

Happy Friday, kids! Anyone else up to anything good today?


Oh and you'd better go read that diet pill review after all that food.

Fashion

As threatened, here are some snaps from the Big Halloween Bash.

The entrance to our Graveyard of Doom.

The cubedwellers one row over turned their row into Oz.  You can kinda see the Tin Man there.  That's the Yellow Brick Road on the floor and it wrapped all the way around their cubes.

Of course, what would Oz be without the Lollipop Guild?

The Tornado that took us to Oz.

Those meddlin' kids are here too.

There's a time for everyone and this time was for The Dude.

Some people go all out. 

Even on their desk.

Whomever owns this, I'm guessing is single.

The Accounting Department has Pac Man fever.

Dressing up your animals is wrong.  But I love Count Dogula.

Part of the denizen of the Graveyard.  That's supposed to be a Candycane, Crazy Cat Lady, Aquaman, SuperBen, and a Convict.

With Indy and a Pirate or two.  That's all of us.