The Lonely Goatherd

It's pretty obvious that Hollywood is out of ideas. Other than comic books of course. So instead of making movies about 60's sitcoms, it's time to start re-making movie classics. Sure they already re-did Psycho with Vince Vaughn and it bombed.

That's why we're re-doing a musical this time: The Sound of Music.

If you've never seen the Sound of Music, you really should get out more. But here's the much shortened version. A nun, Maria, becomes the nanny for a widowed naval officer with 7 children. Thanks to her amazing musical range, the entire family falls for her and they escape from Nazi's by hiking over the Alps.

We're going to update it. In this version, Maria is a former hooker, the kids are from an in vitro fertilization which went horribly well, and the naval officer is a former CIA agent (who may have had ties to the Nazis) turned aspiring, guitar-playing rock and roller. Think Pretty Woman meets The Rocker meets Indiana Jones.

The Nazis stay of course. They're practically orcs. You've got to have a cardboard cut out baddy. And we can probably work in a song called Nazi Boys to Janet Jackson's Nasty Boys.

But the showstopper is going to be Least Favorite Things. Thanks to Thom Schuyler for all the real work.

Tin foil toothpicks and hair in my salad,
When the computer says "password invalid"
Slick country music all tied up in strings,
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Hitting my thumb with a twenty ounce hammer,
Seventeen, Hustler, The Nation and Glamour
When the mechanic says "new set of rings"
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Microsoft Windows and internet chattin'
Men dressed like women and Knights in White Satin,
Cutting my finger while changing my strings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

When the cat pees
In my wingtips
Or my girlfriend's purse
I simply remember
My Least Favorite Things
And then I feel
Even worse.

Slithering creatures and slipping transmissions
Speaking of snakes, did I say politicians?
When I'm asleep and the telephone rings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Musical parodies meant to be clever
Most of the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Losing the wedge from a new set of Pings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things

Frozen fruit salad and bourbon with Pepsi
Pretty much everything finally upsets me
Every time Wayne Newton dances or sings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things

When the dog craps
In the kitchen
I get really pissed
I simply remember
My Least Favorite Things
And I add it to my list.

I smell Academy Award. Especially when we get someone the kids go crazy for like the Jonas Sisters or Jughead Archuletta or Halley Montana or someone else I never listen to.

What's on your list, kids?

You Know I Can't Dance

Last week's January 24th was supposedly the worst day of the year. Thank you British Psychologist who pulled that date out of his ass. Glad that's over. It's all uphill from here obviously.

But one of the "reasons" for the 24th being so craptacular was because by now people have already abandoned their resolutions.

Luckily, everyone who comes here is perfect. But some folks need help with their resolutions. And while no one would in any way need to lose any weight, I saw something while getting lost in Target and trying to find what I really wanted.

The Dirty Dancing Workout.



They're pimping tag is "Get Fit and Have the Time of Your Life." Ah, nothing makes you want to work out like crummy 80's music.

Obviously, you can learn to move like Baby and Johnny. But, you can't work out in the corner. Because no one puts Baby in the corner.

Warning: the Dirty Dancing Workout may cause pregnancy scares and nose jobs.

Wanted Dead Or Alive

I don't want to say that I racked up major husband points this weekend, but I sat through both Mamma Mia and Marley & Me.

That's a whole lot of cinematic emotion for a big strapping mountain man like yours truly. I was briefly cheered that while Pierce Brosnan is one of the top five prettiest men in the world, he can't sing worth a damn.

And Marley and Me with Jennifer Aniston? Everyone was bawling by the end. If you're a dog person, you may want to skip the last 15 minutes and sneak into something else.

It's so sad when Marley runs off with Angelina Jolie at the end.

Hope I didn't ruin anything for anybody there.

The Name Game

You know things are bad people when Larry Flynt is asking for a bailout. Just 5 billion to tide him over for a while. Man, when the porn industry starts losing money, times must be tough.

Personally, I'm going to get me a really slick Lexington personal injury lawyer and start diving in front of cars stopped at intersections. A couple of well-placed and seemingly respectable witnesses conveniently in the area before I take my dive and the right chiropractor on the payroll and I'll be on easy street. If I can't take advantage of our overly litigious society, who can?

Once those fat settlement checks start rolling in, I'll be able to help out Uncle Larry. No, he's not really my Uncle. But after seeing Woody Harrelson in that movie, I feel like I know him. Sure Larry wants to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America." I'm sure this isn't just some cheap publicity grab. Uncle Larry has too much class for that.

I thought the porn industry was insulated from an economic downturn. When you're broke, what else is there to do except for doing it bunches? You can't afford to go to the movies, but you can always make your own.

The real problem is that the industry has lost its edge. They used to be extremely clever in ripping off the names of current movies for their less than mainstream fare. The two most genius were On Golden Blonde and Hannah Does Her Three Sisters.

So in an effort to help out Mr. Flynt, here's some starters to get his production geniuses started. And you knew we'd eventually get to a list here, didn't you?

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt


• Hotel for Doggy Style


• Charley, Harley, Farley & Me


• Yes Ma'am


• Horndog Millionaire


• Milk (but it's a verb in this film)


• Bride Hoors


• The Dork Knight


• Forever Long


• My Horny Valentine


• Hot Bedtime Stories


• The Tale of Desper Do Me


• Seven Pounds and 9 Inches


• Quantum of Solo


• Asstralia


• Frost/Vixen


• Cram Torino


• Paul Blart: Mall Stud


• De Fiancee


• Twilight All Night Long

Have a good weekend, kids. And feel free to play along at home. Uncle Larry needs all the help he can get. Because he sure as hell isn't going to get that 5 billion anytime soon.

Dish in the City

I can't wait for this afternoon. It's only going to be the Best. Movie. Ever.

Me and all the gal pals (of which I have none) are going to hit the coffee shop and dish about everything. Who's not talking to whom and why, which minivan is best on gas mileage, what's wrong with our mates, best place for manis and pedis, talk about how much we like make up, lipstick, and pretty little frilly things and our feelings.

Then we'll hit the matinee before we have to pick up the urchins from school.

And while I can't wait for Sex in the Suburbs, I have heard some disturbing things about the production. First, the city turns out to be Schenectady. And they could only get Sarah Jessica Parker to say her lines by rubbing peanut butter on her upper lip. And she was a little distracted during the press tour because of her upcoming preparations for the Belmont Stakes.

I always liked her more when she was just a Square Peg.

Keeping Up With The Dr. Jones's

This weekend was a whirlwind of action, adventure, derring do and home projects don’t. At least the addition of an extra day to the weekend made me feel less rushed than usual in the timetravelling feel of the typical weekend.

Time travel is real and doesn’t just exist in crappy fiction. Go to work and the clock never moves. Just like traffic. But go home for the weekend and eat breakfast and read the paper and bang it’s noon by the time you think about getting out of your jammies and/or lingerie to go down to the Sprawl Mart for something large and carnivorous to feast upon later in the day.

Anyhoo, the Wife and I had re-watched all of the Indiana Jones movies over the past week to see if we could recapture that feeling for George Lucas’s stilted dialogue and improbable plot points. That being said, if I’m ever in a plane that’s going down in the mountains, I’m jumping with the safety raft. You never know. Then on Saturday we went to the theater and saw a local production of a send up of all the Indy Movies called Indianapolis Jones and the Raiders of the Temple of the Kingdom of the Last Crusade. It was funny and the cast continuously made fun of the medium and their lame props/scenery.

Then we went to see the new flick on Sunday morning. Interestingly, this theater is so huge that two of the rooms were hosting a church service in them. I immediately wanted to claim we were going to church and then sneak into the theater, but the Wife put an end to it. I'd probably tend to be suspicious of any church that used popcorn for the communion. And anyone knows that Milk Duds do grant eternal salvation.

It was fine. I’d probably rank it as the third best of all four movies in the trilogy. An entertaining way to spend two hours and you really don’t see it coming when Indy gets killed at the end. Sorry if I gave anything away there. It’ll still be really dramatic even if you don’t see the Russians assassin squad sneaking up on him. Just relax and enjoy the movie. Indy getting killed will still be a surprise I swear.

Finally to cap off the All Indy All The Time Weekend, we dug in our yard for archeological artifacts like dog poo and Indian burial plots. I was surprised to find all those Indian headstones. Is this something I should be worried about? Some guy named D0 Not Disturb Ancient Burial Site or Cursed You Will Be was there. Man is that a funny name or what? Those Indians were really creative that way.

We did find some old bones which I just chucked over the fence to make room for the sprinkler system. Funny how there were back where we found them this morning. I'm sure it was probably the same wind which I heard moaning all night.

Attack of the Drones

In advance of the long Memorial Day weekend (check local listings and if you’re in another country than the U.S. it’s a day where we celebrate our Veterans by starting the Summer with cookouts and not working. No, it doesn’t make sense, but since we get to slack off from work, we’re not asking many questions), I submit this cautionary tale.

In Wales, a man dressed like Darth Vader attacked the founders of the Jedi Church.

I really can’t find fault with that. I mean if you’re going to dress like Darth Vader and you run into some Jedi, you sure as hell better attack them. Even if you haven’t been given Order 66.

Now a couple of things about this story and the attack.

First, Darth didn’t have a lightsaber. He used a metal crutch. So was he limping around dressed up like DV and just happened upon the Jedi’s or what? Or did he see the Jedis and grab the first thing that came to hand? And you know he summoned that crutch to him with his telekinetic powers. Do you think he did the whole kettle drum march noise before he attacked? I like to do that when I'm on my way to a lame meeting.

Second, Darth may not exactly be one of life’s winners. His cape was made out of a garbage bag. Jeez, I had a better cape than that when I was Batman. No, not last night when the Wife and I played Superhero and Damsel in Distress. It was when I was 10. As far as you know.

Third, Darth was busted when the Jedi caught him on camera beating their ass with a metal crutch. A camera they had set up to record their light saber battle. Man, if you’re a Jedi with a light saber and a garbage bag wearing Sith attacks you with only a crutch and you can’t handle him, you might want to consider a little more training from the Jedi Council. Seriously, these geeks were going to pull their own Star Wars kid and record their “battle.” Sounds to me like they deserved to get a little crutch whupping from the Dark Side. I wonder if they find my lack of faith in the Jedi Church disturbing? If they do, they should go ahead and choke me with their mind powers. I’ll use my faith in their dorkitude to block their powers.

Fourth, Darth conveniently didn’t remember attacking the Jedi because he had drank “the better part of a 10 liter box of wine.” This is probably some Sith code for “mind probe” or maybe it’s just a Jedi Mind Trick.

But seriously, kids, there is a moral to this story:

If you drink a box a wine and then put your Darth Vader costume on and find a garbage bag and go wandering around the neighborhood with your crutch/lightsaber looking for Jedi to beat up, make sure there aren’t any cameras around.

In my neighborhood we just call that Saturday. You box drinking winos know who you are. Be safe. And use a blaster and take some Stormtroopers next time.

Whip It Good

Unless you don't own a fedora and a whip, you probably know that Indiana Jones and the Last Chance to Make a Buck starts this weekend. And because of their love of adventure and action, Cannes film goers got the first chance to see the fourth movie of the trilogy.

Luckily, I was able to trade some information with my extensive information network and get the scoop from my French counterpart, LeT2ed.

Here then are the Top Ten Little Known Facts of the New Indiana Jones Movie

10) Constantly wears fedora just to cover bald spot

9) Plans adventures around Matlock showings

8) Much more difficult to fight way onto speeding Nazi transport trucks while using a walker

7) Role of Short Round now reprised by Gary Coleman

6) Indiana is frequently mistaken for Face Melting Nazi until part way through the film when he has a little work done

5) Whip only used to keep kids off lawn

4) No longer fears snakes; now fears enlarged prostate

3) When boarding plane for Red Line of Exposition, Indy now has to pre-board

2) Leather jacket now has noticeable AARP logo

1) Indy no longer teaches because of "incident" with a female student

Yes, we're making fun of action stars who are older than our grandparents. Could I have beat that into the ground any more? I didn't think so. Now turn that darn theme music down, dammit.

New Kids on the Blockbuster

It's that time of the year. It's your deity-given right, duty and obligation to go out and consume the pablum that is the Summer Movie Season. Get out there and consume the swill that Hollyweird foists off on us. Otherwise, we're going to be stuck with a bunch of movies that no one saw for our Oscar nominations. You know, like every year.

Come on. It's not too much to ask. These celebs give us so much. They graciously receive adulation, money and awards and all they ask in return is that we ignore their craziness, sociopathic behavior, telling us what to do and their lack of talent. Where else would we get our media distractions from if not Hollywood? We can't have runaway brides and shark attacks every day you know.

So get out there and make sure you see all these movies no matter what you think of them. If you don't, things like video games that make half a billion dollars in a week will get forced down our throat. So put that in your Rimowa bag and smoke it.

Without further digression, here is your Guide to the Summer Blockbusters:

IronMan: The biopic of Ozzy Osbourne has been surprisingly well received despite Clive Owen in the titular role. Luckily, it’s subtitled so moviegoers can understand Clive’s/Ozzy’s dialogue.

Speed Racer: The biopic of AJ Foyt has been less successful commercially. This may be due to his animated series in the 60’s not featuring a chimp but actually being drawn by chimps. And the chimps wrote better dialogue.

Chronicles of Narnia: This time Riddick returns to the Dark Planet with Judy Dench in tow and fights crime while taking care of a family in the witness protection program. Soon to be a ride at Disney.

Indiana Jones and the Last Chance to Cash In: In the fourth and final movie in the trilogy, Indiana is denied Medicare benefits and has to go to Canada to seek low cost prescriptions. Features the debut of Shia Le Pew as Indiana’s pet skunk/comic relief.

Sex in the Suburbs: What a novel idea! A follow up to the wildly successful HBO series. Yes, we’re talking to you David Chase. Unfortunately in the sequel, all the characters just drive minivans, get their nails done, go to lunch and don’t have sex. You know, like the real suburbs.

The Dark Knight: In this sequel to Black Knight, Martin Lawrence again returns to Arthurian England as a comical rapscallion who discovered honor whilst seeking bootay. Sure to be jam packed with fart jokes and Martin dressed as a woman in an least 3 scenes.

Get Smart: This features Steve Carrell in the role of Algernon who has an experimental surgery that turns him from a mental incompetent into a genius and then back into a political candidate.

Mamma Mia: The pageantry of the movies combined with the magic of ABBA. Yes, breeders are allowed to attend. Tickets are half off with a receipt from The Olive Garden.

X-Files: I Want to Believe that Gillian Anderson is still hot, Duchovny is still funny and this time the plot is comprehensible. Trust No Sony Critics.

Kung Fu Panda: Jack Black in animated fare. Lots of stoner jokes are sure to go over the heads of the kids you bring to this escapist fare. At least you hope they don’t get the jokes and then explain them to you. “No, Dad. That’s not a blunt that’s a spliff. Jeez.”

The Happening: M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest attempt to make anything even half as good as The Sixth Sense. Yes, he fails miserably. Again.

Hellboy 2: In the sequel to Hellboy, Ray Walston reprises his role as Jack Scratch. In the sequel, Jack makes a pact with Kenny Rogers for the Tigers to win the World Series and Kenny not to stink this year. Clearly, this is a fantasy movie.

Oh, and these all have lame videogames based upon the lame movies as well. It's also your obligation to buy these as well or the General Election will be pushed back a year.

Sniffy Galore

If you haven't heard, Amy Winebaghouse is doing the theme song for the next James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace.

As I've been too busy trying to run fiber cable through my house while not making my wooden floors look like swiss cheese, thanks to Reigning Frog for clueing me in to the Winester's attempt at ruining the Bond franchise. Twenty-two movies and counting. Suck on that, Sly Stallone.

As it's very hush hush about the new song, this reporter had to do some digging to come up with the tracks that Ms. Winehouse is laying down for the new flick.

• Dr. No I Don’t Do That, Okay, Maybe I'll Try It Just This Once


• From Russia With Vodka


• Goldschlager


• Thunder Eightball


• You Only Snort Twice


• On Her Majesty's Secret Stash


• Rehab Is Forever


• Live and Get High


• The Spy Who Bought Me Weed


• Spoontaker


• For Your Highs Only


• A View to a Still


• Suspended Licence to Kill


• GoldenHigh


• The Crack Is Not Enough


• High Another Day


• Mascara Royale


• Quantum of Sobriety

Feel free to play along at home kids.

Just the Same Old Song

People keep asking me what is Utah really like? Is it a provincial town where religion is the dominant political force and separation of church and state is a joke or is it a high-tech mecca where all cultures are welcome and everyone just really wants to ski when they're not speculating in commercial real estate? The answer is both but to really explore that dichotomy I need more time and reflection and beer. Of course, because the Sundance Film Festival is going on right now and my Aquaman buds are keeping me out till all hours of the night (past 9:30!) snowboarding with James Cameron, the mystery that is Utah hasn't really sunk in.

How is it different? Well I don't ever remember anyone at the gym complaining that the videos they show were too racy. Seriously, they're showing porn at the gym? I'd be in much better shape had I known this was going on. But on the downside, make sure you really, really wipe off the machines before you get on one. College kids complaining about racy music videos? My head may 'splode. I gotta call the cable company though and see if I can get the Gold's Gym Channel on my tv. It's probably right between the NFL channel and the Big Ten channel.

How is it the same? Luckily teenagers are still around to give us homemade porn via their cell phones. I'm sure nothing could go wrong with sending a few semi-innocent pictures of your naughty bits to your buds.

Well kids, gotta run. I've got a meeting with some producers about the film version of Parrot Trooper. I don't actually have a movie, but I've got a swell trailer and I figure that's all you really need. Hey, if the Simpsons could get away with it why not me? I just want the nexus of film, art and techology that is Bob the Talking Parrot to change the world, inspire people, end social injustice, eradicate poverty and make me a shiatload of money.

Full Stop

I don't know why, but whenever Austin Powers is on tv, I absolutely have to stop until this scene is on:

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

If that doesn't make you giggle, you need to find a tall, tall building. I'd like to see the kind of corporate performance management Dr. Evil would bring to the work place.

Do other people suffer from this affliction of having to stop for particular movie scenes or it just me?

Summer Love

This is what happens when too many meds meet too much daytime tv.

To the tune of Summer Nights from Grease (which is even better with Legos):

Summer cold my nose had a blast
Summer cold hit me so fast
Got a virus wife brought to me
An evil virus, it waylaid me

Summer days blowing away
to oh oh the summer nights
Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more
Did you get very sick?
Tell me more, tell me more
Like was your mucus thick?

Hit the workplace, infected all
Sneezed on office desks and bathroom stall
I spread my germs, they'll get it soon
Enjoy the illness, you're gonna swoon.

Summer cold, never gets old,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

Were you coughing some too?
Tell me more, tell me more
Please your illness review

Had a fever of 103
Lots of aches down in my knees
Stayed in bed, felt just like shit
Couldn't sleep, my head's gonna split

Summer sick, cold you can't kick,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

All that phlegm make you gag?
Tell me more, tell me more
Cause it sounds like a drag

Felt real weak, couldn't drive a mile
But I love that Nyquil green smile
Take your meds, make the room spin
Now my nose, it has no skin

Summer chills, take lots of pills,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

How long can you live on soup?
Tell me more, tell me more
Think I may have the croup

Felt so colder - that's where it ends
But my doctor she recommends
That I stay here in my bed
Pretty soon I will be dead

Fever dreams and Vaporub creams,
but oh those summer colds
Tell me more, tell me more.

Keep On Truckin'

In Berlin, 10 extras were hurt on the set of Tom Cruise's new movie, Valkyrie, when they fell out of a truck. No word on whether there was a truck bed liner. Typical shoddy journalism.

Nice try, Sweet Baby Jesus. But we want you to smite Tom Cruise not just some unsuspecting extras who had the misfortune to be cast in this turkey-to-be. Although to be sure, anyone who contributes to a Tom Cruise movie isn't innocent, but it's a degree of assbaggery. If you can take Tiny Tommy out (and granted he's got to be a very wee target from up there in heaven), it'll nip it, nip it, nip it in the bud.

This way, they'll just round up some other unsuspecting extras (like Andy Millman) and stick them on the truck. Please, SBJ, go for the teeny, tiny jugular if you're looking for something to smite.

Summer Blockbuster

While I hear there is some movie about a young wizard coming out today, I'd rather go see this flick.

You don't need to be some kind of genius at running payroll software to know that this picture is going to set all sorts of movie records. That's got to be a lot better than robot cars or car robots or whatever the hell it is that Michael Bay is trying to shove down our throats.

I don't want to say Michael Bay is a crummy director (because my Momma told me if you can't say anything nice you should just go ahead and blog about it), but let me give you two words of advice -- Pearl Harbor.

I think the little wizard movie is called Scary Potty and the Cash Cow. I haven't heard anything about it. It's probably a little indie flick done on the cheap by a first time director. Hope they manage to make their money back....I just love rooting for the little guy. Especially if he got Shrek preggers.

Another Blockbuster or She's Back

I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I was doing my big recap of the Summer Blockbusters, I missed one.

Ya'll remember the toughest superheroine of all? Of course I'm just talking 'bout Thong Girl. Lana Layonme has a very special, magical thong that allows her to fly, have superhuman strength and can fire laser beams from her ass.

That's right, Thong Girl 3: Revenge Of The Dark Widow is debuting in Nashville, TN at the the Watkins College Of Art and Design on June 9th and 10th. Two shows Saturday at 7 and 9 and a Sunday matinee at 3 for the kids. Admission for all showings is $5. The film is family friendly and contains no nudity or profane language or excessive violence.

Now I don't want to tell a big Nashville movie producer how to run his business, but Thong Girl 3 practically screams for another version with at least a little nudity. Maybe the DVD could have that version?

Even without the nudity, I'm betting this one breaks Spiderman's weekend opening record and kicks Shrek and that swishy pirate movie right in the ass. Or she could just shoot them with her laser beams.

Happy Star Wars Day

I almost completely forgot about it!

Because they've solved every other problem (traffic, homelessness, smog, crime), LA has declared today, May 25th as Official Star Wars Day.

It's part of something called Celebration IV a geekfest happening where people gather to celebrate all things Star Wars. They'll be a lot of empty parents' basements today!

They're also going to have the largest ever Slave Leia photo shoot. Yes, that's when Carrie Fisher wore that swell gold metal bikini in the movie with all the Care Bears. So lots of girls will be dressed up in gold metal bikinis. And because it's a Star Wars thing, that must mean almost 10 girls will be there.

Wow! Makes you want to get your nerd on don't it? No hate mail. I kid because I care. I own all the movies too and that Attack of the Clones makes a swell coaster. No one writes dialogue like George.

I think I'm going to celebrate Star Wars Day by doing my best George Lucas impersonation. Yup, I'm just going to count all the money in my pocket over and over again. Of course, Georgie Boy probably does better than the $27 I'm packing pre-holiday weekend. That'll teach me to spend all that money on meat and liquor.

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend, kids. It's because of those veterans' sacrifices that we're able to sit on our ass and get plenty of liquids and make fun of Star Wars geeks.

Guide to Summer Movies

It's almost upon us. Yes, the time we'll sit through crummy movies just to enjoy air conditioning. And knowing that, the studios pump out the drek to make us endure their lack of creativity. So here is a brief recap of what you can expect for this Summer.

Spiderman 3: In this installment of the crime fighting franchise, Joel Spiderman (pronounced spi derr MUHN) CPA is on the case of some villians who willingly misclassify uncovered business expenses as legitimate expenditures. Joel also changes from a blue pinstripe suit to a black pinstripe suit in a move that has all the fanboys excited.

Surf's Up: A movie about penguins? It'll never work. Who wants to watch a penguin? Apparently everyone.

Live Free or Die Hard: John McLain's retirement community is taken over a foreign conglomerate. Several thrilling golf cart chases involve the parking lot of a Luby's and people jockeying for handicapped spots in time for the Early Bird.

28 Days Later: British accents + zombies = The Royal Family

Hairspray: John Travolta in drag? A guy in a dress have never been done before.

Ratatouille: The last rat cartoon got Flushed Away pretty quickly. Just rewatch Toy Story.

Ocean's 13: They're not even going to attempt to have a plot in this one. Just relax and enjoy pretty men walking around Las Vegas in expensive suits. If you take your girlfriend to this movie, she'll be silently cataloging in her head all your physical shortcomings.

The Bourne Ultimatum: His ultimatum? I'm not going to pay a lot for this car insurance. Seriously, who knew that Damon + Action = $$$$ while Affleck + Action = Reindeer Games?

Knocked Up: Seth Rogan finally figured out if he quit giving all the best lines to Steve Carrell, he could make some money too.

Shrek the Third: Just because you're pimping for Mars Inc.'s Snickers and M&M's candy; PepsiCo Inc.'s Sierra Mist drink; Kellogg Co.'s Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its and Keebler cookies and McDonald's doesn't mean you can't be healthy too. At least according to the Department of Health & Human Services.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix: In this more accurate depiction of British boarding schools, Ron finally gives Harry the rogering he so richly craves and deserves.

The Simpsons Movie: Why are you going to pay to see a show that's on 27 times a week in syndication? Yes, I'm going. D'oh!

Transformers: With Michael Bay at the helm, I'm guessing they'll be a few more explosions than well-developed characterizations in this one. Giant robots are always a draw though. So rent The Iron Giant instead.

Evan Almighty: Steve Carell gets a free pass on anything he wants to do.

License to Wed: Yay, John Krasinski (Jim) from The Office. Less of a yay, Robin Williams. A little Robin Williams go a long way.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Isn't there some kind of threshold standard you have to achieve before you can make a sequel? Proff that people will see any piece of shit if Jessica Alba is scantily clad.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Trilogy's End: In the extras of the second movie, we learn from the screenwriters that filiming began before the script was complete. Yeah, we could tell. Johnny Depp's inspiration for Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. Keith Richards has a cameo. Will he be able to manage a line?

Pandamoanium

I didn't want to say anything, because trying to have a kid is a big decision. I mean you don't just rush out and have unprotected sex and bring another life into this world. So if it's not happening naturally, you go for artificial insemination, right?

No, not Wife and I. Ever since I stepped on that toe popper at the Battle of Chun King, we can't have children. Because we loathe them. But where was my parade, you draft dodging bastards?

Anyhoo, at the National Zoo, they've gone to artificial insemination to try to get the female Panda, Mei Xiang, preggers. I thought the best way to get pregnant was to lose your job and get drunk.

But they've resorted to artificial insemination (and you thought your job sucked) after showing the pandas pornographic movies failed. That's right, Tian Tian, didn't get "the old bamboo" after watching movies. Maybe he's more of a Penthouse Letters kind of guy?

The question I have is what kind of porn did they try? Were they showing them pandas having sex, humans dressed as pandas, humans with pandas? Because there are some Panda Playas who do all the Panda Hos--black, white, black and white. I'm a Panda Porn Star.

But I wonder what panda porn movies they showed them. So I came up with a list of what they should have tried.

• Hannah Does Her Three Pandas
• Panda Does Punjab
• On Golden Panda
• Deep Panda
• Behind the Bamboo Door
• Backdoor Pandas
• The Fellowship of the Pandas
• PILF
• Desperate Pandas
• Three Men & a Panda
• Eight Pandas Out
• Pandas and Pandability
• The English Panda
• Panda Confidential
• As Panda As It Gets
• Crouching Panda, Hidden Dragon
• Million Dollar Panda
• Little Miss Panda
• Brokeback Pandas
• Dude, Where's My Panda?
• Edward Pandahands

As you can tell, I watch way too many Panda movies.

Finally a Knockout Movie

German film director Uwe Boll finally got in a few punches of his own. You may know Boll as the director of movies typically adapted from video games. He's done classics such as House of Dead, Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne. Yeah, they were all stinkers and critically planned. Hard to believe. I'll confess to having seen none of those movies and don't remember the video games either.

Well Raging Boll (yes I stole that but it was just too good) challenged his critics. He fought four of them in Vancouver. And Uwe kicked their collective asses. Uwe beat up Richard Kyanka, Jeff Sneider, Chris Alexander and Nelson Chance Mintner. Yes, there is video of this over at Youtube. What did we do before the interweb? I have not watched any of these so don't know if it's too gross or what.

Now I don't know any movie critics other than Richard Roeper, Gene Shalit and Roger Ebert. And none of these gentlemen seem to me likely to excel at the sweet science. So whether or not Uwe knew anything about fisticuffs, his adversaries didn't seem likely to be stout warriors in the ring.

Quote of the story from critic Sneider:

"Then he started beating the crap out of my head," he said. "I think he's a jerk. This might be PR but I don't want to keep getting punched in the head."

This whole challenge misses the point. The critics shouldn't have been the ones fighting Uwe. It should have been anyone in the audience unfortunate enough to see any of his movies. Beating up the critics is like picking on the little brother of the girl who won't date you. I'm sure there is a large gentleman who likes the horror genre who was disappointed in Uwe's zombie movie. And I'd like to give this gentleman the opportunity to show his displeasure with the director.

If we do go this route and allow artists to engage in fisticuffs with their detractors, you know Clint Eastwood is never going to get a bad review. I don't care if he is 76, no one will want to mess with him.

And you know once we're allowed to punch directors, actors will be next. You'd better watch your back, Steve Guttenberg for a little something I call Police Academy Hell.

Any directors or actors you'd like to punch?