Cat's In The Cradle

If you and your cat are headed to Ashippun, Wisconsin, be on the look out for anyone with a disposable razor.

Kimberly Meyers had her kitty shaved on Sunday night. Use that direct link. You don't want to google a shorn kitty. You'll get some weird results. Especially if you're adult filter isn't on.

Police know who the shaver was and "plan to talk with the person responsible." Hmm, is that code for ass-beating? I know it is with the L.A. police.

There's a lot to this story we aren't being told. There are significant details simply not reported. Now, I'm not going to use the C word ("cover up"), but why aren't we being told the truth and getting to the bottom of this mystery? It's obviously the all powerful Shaving Lobby which won't rest until we're all completely bald.

There are many questions we need answered. I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this.

1) What was the cat's name? Buzz? Venus? Gillette? Remington?
2) What is the cat's breed? I'm betting it's not a Sphynx.
3) Who is this mysterious "responsible person?" Is he male or is she female? Or a SHim?
4) Why was the cat shaven? Excessive hairballs? Allergies? Clawing the Bush furniture? Hitting the cat nip too hard?
5) What's the proper way to shave a cat?
6) How does the cat look now?
7) Why are we protecting the identity of this "responsible person?" Former mafia witness? Member of the ASPCA? Convicted cat burglar? All you gots to do is say "alleged cat shaver" and you can get away with murder. Right O.J.?

And the most glaring oversight is how police found that vandals had painted "Sum Ergo Tonsumo" in red on the town hall. Any Latin scholar can tell you this translates to "I Am, Therefore I Shave."

The conspiracy is on. Watch your back kids. Trust no one. Especially anyone packing a disposable razor.