Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ricky Don't Lose That Number

If there's a funnier cat out there, I don't know who it is.

I'm not talking about the puppet.

And I absolutely love that cackle.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Talking in Your Sleep

Man I hate it when I can't sleep.

And it's like a law that whenever I'm doing my best bed burrito, death roll crocodile impression, the Wife slumbers like a rock. A noisy, completely blissful rock.

It's only when I'm completely exhausted that really bad ideas come to mind.
  • Why don't I do a parody of Bob Seger's Night Moves but call it Night Poots?
  • Why don't I start a doggie day care?
  • Why don't they play basketball this late at night on tv?
  • Why don't we have a sleep number bed?
  • Why didn't I drink more last night?
  • Why don't they give Barack a weekly show?
  • Why hasn't baseball started yet?
  • Why don't they do a remake of Footloose? (too late)
  • Why ask why?
  • Why can't a vampire bite one of the Jonas Brothers?
  • Why did Barack say there are no silver bullets? Now the werewolves will be fearless.
  • Why do I have Big Country stuck in my head?
Now I gotta go get a nap. Which I won't be able to fall asleep for?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Two Times a Lady?

This may be the future of movies.

No actors, no studios, no problem.

Now I've got to get to work on that remake of Footloose before Zac Efron comes to his senses.

Bicycle Race

I hope by now you're taking the Animal Conspiracy seriously. Tim Bedore has been warning you for years.

Because now they're trying to take out our means of communications.

That's right, the animals have gone on the offensive again. This time a deer took out Matt Lauer while he was riding his bike in the Hamptons.

There are deer in the Hamptons? Probably a mole. Well not a real mole. You know. A deer spy under deep cover and just waiting for activation.

Now I've never been attacked by any animals whilst peddling my velocipede. But if that ever happens, I'd probably need one of those steam cleaners to get the stains out of my shorts.

Some people don't believe the animals are against us. Why, these naysayers say, would animals be attacking us. It's simple. They hate us. They envy our chlorinated pools, warm homes, fast cars, malt beverages and comfort-inducing iPods.

Squirrels provide the recon, bears are the tanks and deer are the kamikaze pilots of the Animal Conspiracy. Luckily the dogs are on our side. But don't trust your cats. Skip feeding them for a weekend and they'll be gnawing on your carcass come Monday.

Luckily, Matt escaped with only a separated shoulder. But don't think you're safe, Matt. You're a high profile target in the Species Wars. If they can take out you, it'll send a message to the rest of us and demoralize our morale. It's only a matter of time before they try again. So next time you go biking, lay off the spandex and try wearing some protective kevlar instead.

Be safe out there, kids. Keep you head down, your bum up and your eyes peeled. Because a squirrel probably has you under surveillance right now.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

If I Had a Hammer

Okay, I've gone back and forth on this one for a while now. If this is too much, I apologize in advance and throw myself upon the mercy of the interwebs.

In Maryland, a woman was injured when the power tool her husband was using on her cut through an attached marital aid. I'm already turtling from this story. I can only imagine how the women are squirming.

Okay, there's a lot going on here. So let's take it slowly. Say like just 100 rpm. Ha.

Apparently a couple had decided to spice things up a bit. With a power tool. Consensually. Wow. Okay, okay, I'm not judging. And while there's nothing in the story to indicate it, I'm willing to be that alcohol was involved prior to this decision being made.

Anyway, Bob Villa attaches the aid to a reciprocating saw (that swell tool picture up there) and begins to use it on his wife. If you've never had to use a reciprocating saw, the blade goes back and forth to cut through material. You can probably guess where he begins to use it. That's right. In the bedroom.

Unfortunately, the saw blade eventually cuts through the plastic attachment material and begins to cut his wife. I've seen a magician cut a woman in half before, but never the long way. Do you think he said "Ta Da" when he was done?

Now I've been next to some loud people having sex at a hotel, but at least they never broke out the industrial equipment. Because that kind of noise would probably not get you a free stay at hotel from the management.

But everything has a happy ending. While the injuries were serious enough that the woman had to be airlifted to a hospital for emergency surgery, she's never going to lose an argument with her husband for the rest of her life. Because when you've got the "How 'bout that time you sawed my hoo haw in half?" line in your back pocket, the garbage gets taken out without discussion.

Kids, don't use power tools on each other. No matter how good an idea it may seem at the time. Just cuddle more. It'll be better in the long run for everyone.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

My Humps

If you're a young lady from Huntington Beach, California and used a fake identity to get some fake breasts, police would like a word with you.

Police say a woman opened a line of credit under a false identity and then used that fake identity to get $12,000 worth of both breast implants and liposuction. Then she skipped town. That's the way it always works. They always skip town instead of just sticking with the weight loss pills and a Cleavacious. Who knew buying breasticles cost that much?

And this faux fatale (thanks, I'm here all week) didn't come back for her follow up visits. I know. Poor thing probably needs immediate follow up tlc. But really, shouldn't the doctor have had some clue. She did use the name Betty Boob after all.

Now if the police were smart, they'd be putting out a different type of mugshot. Because then pretty much every man would volunteer to be on the look out for this fugitive.

Someone with fake breasts hiding out in California? Police have narrowed it down to an estimated 7 million suspects. That's hiding in plain sight alright. They'll never find her now. Unless she lays down on her back. Then you can totally tell.

Don't mess with nature, kids. You're fine just as you are. Promise.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Lonesome Highway?

There's nothing that could go wrong with this plan....

Why can't I have a flash of inspiration and invent the jillion dollar idea that will let me lounge around the house and watch basketball all day?

I think they're going to need more than some industrial knobs attached to the side of your car though. Like at least a hole in the back of the bag for all the poop you're going to scare out of your dog when he realizes he's been attached to the side of a car.

Granted, dogs love having their head out the window. I like to think that most dogs believe that they've suddenly learned how to run really, really fast.

Luckily, getting your dog into a sack is never a problem. Not like a fenderbender might be.

Quick, to the Dogmobile.

And remember, have your car spayed or neutered.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Cherry Pie

Congratulations numerologists, circle aficionados and math geeks enthusiasts everywhere!

That's right, it's Pi Day. For the journalism majors with us, Pi = 3.14 ad infinitum, thus, it's celebrated on March 14th. Personally, I always liked it best when expressed as 22/7. What a rebel!

Pi is an irrational number which means it will continue infinitely without repeating. And talk about its feelings during sporting events. Hiyo! Kidding. Kinda.

Just because you've never used that algebra shoved down your throat during high school, that doesn't make Pi any less important. Where would you be without knowing how to calculate the ratio of a circle to its diameter. Oh, right. Exactly where you are right now.

So hurry and finish getting the tree up and wrapping your presents for Pi Day. Or maybe even write a Pi-ku. It's like a haiku, but they've apparently completely forgotten the 5-7-5 syllable requirements.

Man, I just long for the old days when Pi Day really meant something and they'd sacrifice a virgin for the crops.

Here's a much better Pi-Ku:

Pi is a number
Without ending, it goes on
Just like staff meetings

Me, I'm just going to eat some. Ala mode. Which is French for "with mode."

Friday, March 13, 2009

Once Bit, Twice Shy

Our Wee One got bit at doggie day care this week.

It was like a mob hit at an Italian restaurant in New Jersey. Nobody saw nothin'.

Knowing Tiki, he probably started it.

Tiki is a tough guy though. No whining or complaining. Couldn't even tell he had a flesh wound until you put your hand on his back and came away with the CSI evidence.

Yup, that's the carnage over there. Hope nobody was having breakfast.

Luckily, it's almost square in his back so he can't reach it. This spares him from having to wear one of those collars that all the other dogs make fun of. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to get at it. That's why it looks a little red to the right of the stiches there. He's been scratching at it.

It only seems like we have to watch him 24 hours a day. In reality, it's more like 25 hours.

Unfortunately, I completely disagree with dressing up animals. Because it leads to stuff like this.

But I'll have to admit to buying a Wife Beater for the Tiki Monster. I won't let him wear it out in public, but it does perfectly cover up the stitches.

At least they made a sarcastic one.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Take It Easy

If you hadn't heard, Arizona doesn't have a state motto. I know!

As a former Wildcat, I'm astonished. Especially since I know all sorts of worthless Arizona facts. Like it became a state on February 14th at the same time as New Mexico. Yup, Arizona was #49.

While doing research for a school report, California 5th grader Tori Smith discovered that Arizona had never officially adopted The Grand Canyon State as it's motto. Bet a bunch of prisoners are pretty pissed off about all the extra work they've been doing.

Luckily, Arizona lawmaker Sam Crump stepped up to the plate. As he put it, "If we don't, Las Vegas is likely to steal it." Ummm, yeah. Guess geography isn't really a requirement to be an Arizona State Representative. Guess I missed when Las Vegas became a state.

Anyway, Grand Canyon State? Seriously. That's the best you can do?

Enough fooling around. Let's get to the list.

Top Ten Rejected Arizona State Mottoes

10) Don't hold John McCain against us
9) We have Spring Training if you're tired of the fast-paced play of regular baseball
8) Land of Aaaahhhz
7) Sure it's 115, but it's a dry heat
6) Arizona: We like Nevada on top
5) Charles Barkley got the best oral sex of his life here. So we'll see you this weekend.
4) I'm going back to 'Zona
3) Even we forgot we had a football team
2) Old people come here to die
1) Damn, that's a big canyon!

I'd like to point out the restraint I showed in not including "Most skin cancer is treatable" and "The scorpion is the state bird" in that. Restraint doesn't happen very often around here. Unless you're counting the fuzzy handcuffs.

Anyway, when Land of Aaaahhhz get stolen, I'm going to want a check from somebody.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Addicted to Love

Woo hoo!

Reason #246 to Lurve Utah

We're #1 in online porn!

How much do we like online porn? Even our National Parks are dirty.

Who'da thunk it? It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? Yup, this reddest of red states is chock full of the filthiest minds in the country. And probably the dirtiest keyboards as well. Ewww.

Here comes the science:

A Harvard Econ Prof (and where can I get a grant like this?) tracked online subscriptions to porn sites by area code. Utah is #1 at 5.47 subscribers per thousand. Only Utah and Mississippi had subscribers over 3.6 per thousand. We beat you, Mississippi. Suck it!

You can get the whole study if you subscribe to the Journal of Economic Perspectives. I just read it for the articles and not the centerfold.

And I always thought those kiosks in the mall were just selling Christian videos. Guess I'll have to dig a little deeper in the DVD bin next time. What's all this about the Song of Solomon?

Guess if you're going to have all those kids, after a while it takes a little something to start you up. Why does this remind me of when Michigan was number 1 in murders one year? The State's response was to criticize the methodology of the study. I'm guessing Utah isn't going to invest in more sex education and Planned Parenthood clinics. I'm sure we'll discuss this in a reasoned and enlightened manner. That will be swept under the rug like our widespread happy pill addiction.

Maybe more broadband investment will happen though.

I can best sum up this whole subject up with the following: you can subscribe?

Who knew? Man, you gotta want it to do that. It's free practically all over the place. What do you get if you subscribe? Personalized wet naps?

Monday, March 09, 2009

Fred Bear

Reason # 143 to Love Utah

That's right, kids. It's time for the Huntin' n Fishin' Show. Oh sure, they're calling it the International Sportsmen's Exposition. But it's all about huntin' and fishin'. .

I call it the White Trash Expo, but let's not get off on a rant so early in the week.

And it's international. If you count Wyoming as a foreign country. And you probably should if you've ever been there.

So, ladies if you're looking for a Big Strappin' Mountain Man, head on down to the South Towne Center this week. Feel free to print out that swell coupon over there.

And while you're there, make sure to get your photo with a baby bear! Check out that third bullet point. How do you not lead with baby bear pictures? That's really what makes this expo so fun: semi-wild animals and the chance for mauling!

I'm going to have some peanut butter for breakfast, carry some dog treats in my pockets and rub honey behind my ears before my picture.

This should be the best picture ever!

Friday, March 06, 2009

Paperback Writer

As proof that crime does pay, we submit the following.

Former Illinois Gov. Blogo has signed a book deal reportedly worth 6 figures. Wow, he'd usually have to sell two Senate seats for that kind of coin.

But the crack ups at the Tribune asked readers what the tome should be titled.

Sure, they came up with some good ones. I particularly like The Grapes of Graft and James and the Giant Impeach.

But to really get these books flying off the shelves, may I suggest the following:
  • Lord of the Stings
  • The Court of Money Blogo
  • Where the $*)@*(# Money Things Are
  • On The Take
  • Of Human Bonds or Stocks
  • Slimedog Thousandaire
  • The Strangest
  • A Weasel in Time
  • Assbag Shrugged
  • The Sun Also Is For Sale
  • The Age of No Innocence
  • Blogo's Web (of Lies)
  • Robby in Funded-land
  • Crime & More Crime
  • Bribe, the Beloved Country
  • The Tip Jar
  • To Fleece a Mockingbird
  • How the West Was Won on Ebay
  • Gone with the Bid
  • Brideshead Resold
  • Memoirs of a Weasel
  • The Color Green
  • Sponsorship Down
  • The Five Assbags You Meet In Office
  • Dork of Darkness
  • Remains of the Pay

Feel free to play along at home, kids. And get that Amazon pre-order in now. Everyone is going to hear what this esteemed author has to say.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Shock the Monkey

Earlier in the week, I had alluded to an incident with the Wee One, Tiki.

Every now and then at night before bed, he likes to sit in the corner by the wall and the couch and get the pre-sleep nap in. I know. It's tough to be a dog.

Anyway, we had recently gotten a new lamp so the Wife could read in the family room.

Well apparently Tiki isn't completely out of his chewing phase even though he's 7 months now.

So he starts going at the electrical cord. And chews through enough of it that's he's getting shocked. And can't let go. Luckily, the Wife was smart enough to yank the cord for him.

He was really freaked out and made yipping noises like nothing we'd heard out of him. And his hair was standing up. Kinda like this.

Luckily, he's fine and back to chewing on his brother like normal. The cord is repaired (cause I'm a big, strapping mountain man and can handle stuff like that), but Tiki won't sit over there any more.

I'm guessing Tiki caught Tom Wilkinson's portrayal of Ben Franklin when we were watching Adams and just wanted to try his own experiment. Which didn't go so well.

Now I've got to see about inventing some rubber dog boots for electrical work.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Rag Doll

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a very, very long time.

I have no idea where it's really from. Genius.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Baby Got Back

Man, I got nothing today. Other than an ill-formed, half-assed, not even good enough for a cocktail napkin anecdote about the wee one and some hijinks he got up to.

So take a Bob & Tom song in the interim.

There's something that I'd really like to say
I'm glad that we're together every day
I wanted you to know
I've always got your back
And I"ll be right here behind you all the way.

I'm your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
Between your buns is where I'll always be
I'm soaking up the shade
Down where the fudge is made
I'm your butt crack
That's me

A butt crack comes in handy, I'm not kidding
I do my best to keep your sphincter hidden
Sorry 'bout those skid marks inside your BVD's
Last night you ate burritos
Too bad you had to sneeze

I'm your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
That pungent part of your anatomy
Something everybody's got
Some are hairy, some are not
I'm your butt crack
That's me

The aperture that's in your tush
Where the sun don't shine
The gap in your gluteous maximus
That's the bottom line

I'm your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
I could use a change of scenery
I'm the crevice in your tail
I'd be popular in jail

I'm your butt crack
He's your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
That's me
Life sure is sweet
in the middle of your seat