Eternal Flame

Hiya, kids! It's almost July 4th. And as Americans, it's our civic duty to take the day off, eat grilled meat, drink and blow stuff up! Remember, if you skip any of those, the terrorists win.

I will confess to working one summer in a fireworks distribution center. That means I loaded semi's. And got a lot of illegal fireworks when we had stuff left over at the end of the season. Why are all the best fireworks available the very next state over? Lucky stiffs.

But if you're worried about fireworks safety, don't. Because all the fireworks are made in China. And we know what sticklers they are for public safety. So when you read the extremely detailed safety instructions on your illegal fireworks, just follow them carefully.

• Light fuse
• Place on ground
• Get away

That's right. Get away. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

But these guys said it best. It's Paul and Storm and it's 4 minutes in. Enjoy!

The Tender Trap

As a regular reader, you're acquainted with the many, many times I've pointed out our long, long obsession with breasts. That this also makes me giggle should in no way undermine the serious, serious nature of the issue. Which is why I so lovingly write of the Cleavacious.

But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.

Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.

Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.

Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.

The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.

Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?

May I humbly submit:

• Treasure Chest
• Boobie Bank
• My Cup Runneth Over
• Ta Ta Travel All
• RackTastic
• Knocker Nook
• The Tranny Cranny
• Hidden Assets
• Bra-llet
• Winnebago Wad
• ChestChange
• SweaterPuppies Stash
• Co Co Carryall
• Guns No Show
• Fun Pillows Purse
• Honkers Be Hidden

I'm sure you have ideas as well, kids.

Anybody actually own one of these?

I always thought women just took the money given to them and put it in there anyway. Like in My Favorite Year when she takes the dollar bill for accordian lessons and secretes is away. You're welcome to the two of you who got that reference. Any man worth his salt would ever turn down a sweaty bill recently plucked from the midst of your undercarriage.

And a tip of the cap to Froggie for passing knowlege of this wonderful product along. Keep those stupid ideas coming!

Gonna Write Him a Letter

Mid-western comic genius Tim Cavanagh has summed it up. Sure, he managed 99 Dead Baboons, I Want to Kiss Her and Montego Bay Airport (just yell out "airport" at the end of the hook), but when you got nothing, you got nothing.




Hopefully a little break from the heat and some pre-July 4th booze festivities will prime the pump and cause the creative juices to ejaculate from the wellspring of my mirth. Either that or Utah finally doing away with its membership requirements for bars as of July 1st.

Woo hoo! It's almost like we're becoming a real state. Keep your fingers crossed and your bail bondsman on speed dial.

Put Your Cat Clothes On

Ah, those geniuses in Japan. In Tokyo, Takafumi Fukui has opened a cat cafe. Called the Cafe Cat Calico patrons are given a menu and pick any cool kitty to pet for a few bucks for an hour.

That's a bargain, because to get a pussy to sit on your lap at some places costs a lot more. And it's not for an hour, it's only one song. Which is why you should always go for Freebird.

This isn't the first time people have used pussy to make a few bucks. But the places I've heard tell about have a strictly no petting rule. You can't even touch them usually. And they're always by the airport. Who hits one of these places before their flight? How are you supposed to get your tray down from the locked and fully upright position after that?

Who hasn't wanted to do some catting around at one time or another. A little heavy petting with no cat commitment. Wham bam, thank you Fluffy. Hep cats should be leery of anyplace with cat on the menu. But that's just an urban legend for Chinese restaurants isn't it?

But cats? Come on, if you want something to pet you go for a dog. Who ever heard of a therapy cat? Personally, I don't get cats. If I wanted an emotionally detached animal around, I could call up any of the girls I used to date. Hiyo!

And Cafe Cat Calico? While the alliteration is appreciated, it sounds like the special is Kitty Pot Pie. I'd go with one of the following Mr. Fukui:

• Fukui City Kitties
• Fully Exposed Nipples
• Pussy Paradise
• Totally Nude
• Bob's Cat House
• Sexy Siamese (Motto: We Love You Long Time)
• Lucky Lickers (Motto: Try Our Black Cats, You'll Never Go Back)
• Cat Fanciers
• Puss 'N Go Go Boots
• Nip 'N Ass
• Pole Katz
• Bombay Bombshells
• Burmese So Horny
• Hairless Pussy
• Sphynx & Swallows
• Purrfect 10's

As always, feel free to play along from home kids. I'm plum tuckered out after all that creativity. Time for a cat nap for this dog lover. Have a good weekend and try to get some petting in. Try the Calico and tip your waitstaff.

Dude Looks Like a Lady

If you haven't heard, it's the latest news. Chastity Bono is going to have gender re-assignment surgery. Yes, Sonny Bono & Cher's daughter is all growed up.

Now I don't know the exact medical procedure that Chaz will be undergoing for her gender re-assignment. I think it's known as an addadictomy. Hey, think of all the costume changes Mom goes through in a typical performance. This is nothing compared to that.

Named after a movie which flopped in 1069, Chastity is now going by Chaz. According to comic genius Caroline Rhea, that's because she's losing the "tity."

It could have been worse. After all Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid also released in 1969. Imagine the poor girl if they'd have named her Butch. Easy Rider also came out in '69. I'm pretty sure a girl named Easy Rider Bono would have wound up in porn. You can't make this stuff up.

But Chaz? That's the name of some prepster wearing madras shorts and carrying a polo mallet. You just want to punch someone named Chaz right in the neck. So Chaz is going to get a little help from yours truly to come up with some appropriate monikers.

So I humbly submit the following for your consideration:

* Babe (as in Ruth, not Didrickson)

* Dick (really too obvious)

* Share

* Tramp (or even Gypsy)

* Un-Sonny

* Breed (not a Half-breed though)

* Thyme (because she can't be turned back)

* Woody (short for Silkwood)

* Jesse (middle name James of course)

* Unexplainable Gay Fan Base

That's all I got kids. Feel free to play along at home. Hey, you try doing something with Mermaids, Moonstruck or Mask!

Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Wish I were as funny as the cats over at someecards.

Pop, hope you're not out golfing in the rain like all the other fools in New York.

Bat Out of Hell

I know this will be hard for you kids to believe. Barry Bonds and his second wife, Liz Watson, are getting a divorce. For those keeping score, she filed. I know! These two crazy kids made it for almost 10 years. And if these two star-crossed lovers can't make it, what chance do any of us have?



Luckily, this reporter has a deep cover, double top secret insider mole in the Los Angeles County Superior Court. As far as you know. While California is a No Fault Divorce state ("no fault" is a legal term meaning it's the other one's fault), Lucky Liz's Petition for Divorce sheds quite a bit of light on the couple's relationship.

And you don't have to pour all over the legalese, because here are the Top Ten Reasons Barry Bonds is Getting Divorced.

10) Backne

9) Bobby Bonilla won't get off the couch

8) Bobby's irrational anger when fat burner supplement failed to lose head fat

7) 'Roid rage whenever Barry misses "his stories"

6) Barry refuses to enter any room in the house before public address announcer introduces him

5) Since alleged steroid use, Barry isn't exactly swinging a big bat (if you know what I mean)

4) Will Rogers never met Barry Bonds

3) Pine tar all over the bathroom

2) There is no I in team, but there is in dick.

1) Since retirement, he's around all the time

The good news? He's going to be single again ladies. And probably needing conjugal visits when that alleged perjury case finally goes to trial.