Friday, December 18, 2009
Jesper and Beemer and Philly and Vijay
But do you recall,
The most horny golfer of all?
Tiger the blue-balled golfer
Always wanted to chase tail
And if he ever met them
He would leave a bad voice mail
All of the other golfers
Used to laugh and call him names (like Youdaman)
They never let poor Tiger
Join in any skins golf games
Then one soggy Major Eve
Finchem came to say
"Tiger with your balls so blue
Won't our purses grow with you."
Then all the skanks they loved him
When they met at a hotel
Tiger the blue-balled golfer
You are going straight to hell.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How would you like to get a request for a meet and greet with Charles Manson? Talk about an offer you can't refuse. I've got a feeling that's going to put you off the prison chow quicker than any diet pills will.
What kind of music do you think Charles Manson writes? Nothing but love songs I'll bet.
We'll you're lucky enough to know this intrepid reporter. Because I snuck into the Corcoran penal facility and recovered the sheet music from Charles Manson's cell.
Here are the songs that will be one Chucky's first album.
- You've Lost That Killing Feeling
- Oops, I Killed Her Again
- They're Coming to Take Me Away
- Jailhouse Rock
- We Are Family
- Killa's Paradise
- The Wind Beneath My Prison Jumpsuit
- My Killin' [Always Gonna Get It]
- Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
- I Will Always Stab You
- Semi Shortened Life
- Baby Got Whacked
- I Believe I Can Die
- My Heart Will Not Go On
- To All the Girls I've Killed Before
- Killin' Me Not So Softly
- Helter Skelter
Obviously, that's going to be a box set.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sure, they've already spotted his ghost on a car's hood in England. They call it a bonnet, but it's a hood. Those wacky English. It's like they've got another word for everything. Wuh?
But a Michael Jackson ghost? I thought he was pretty spooky when he was alive.
But while the critically important information about Michael Jackson's life insurance rates still haven't been unearthed, it's only a matter of time. Come on, people. It's always about the life insurance. I learned that from watching Double Indemnity so many times.
Most importantly, it's finally time that Michael's getting his most fitting tribute. He'll be immortalized in butter at the upcoming Iowa State Fair. And don't think that Immortal Butter isn't a good name for a rock and roll band. Don't worry, they'll still have the Butter Cow. I don't know how I'm going to last until the fair starts in August.
But some people don't think butter is a proper art form for the King of Pop. The Iowa fair is actually letting people vote about it's propriety. Vote early, vote often. Just like you live in Chicago. Apparently the statue will have an astronaut on the moon and MJ will be moon walking. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty far way to go just to shoehorn him in there and ride some coattails.
Savvy fair-goers know they have to keep the sculptures inside a temperature controlled environment. But in case there's a power outage and MJ's statue starts to melt, it'll look just like the real thing. This is a little like when we got to vote on the Elvis stamp. Which nose do you think they'll use on MJ?
No matter how the vote goes, they'd better still have the Erotic Corndog Eating Contest. You don't mess with tradition.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Things I currently don't get:
Michael Jackson: He's still dead, right? Proud to say I didn't watch any of the funeral. Tried to tune out any ancillary info from people who did. Always hated his music. Surprised so many people are concerned about a drug addled pedophile. The good news, if it's too hot where you are, there's an umbrella carrier who's now looking for work.
Jon & Kate: Never seen it. Only seen clips on The Soup. Why are they on magazines? Think they should start selling Free Jon t-shirts. Sure he is glad to be free of Harpie McNaggie. Possible new show title: Kate + 8 + 1/2 of Jon's stuff. Or how 'bout Jon + Kate Every Other Weekend. Okay, last one: Jon + Kate + 8 Divorce Attorneys.
Sarah Palin: Good riddance. Bet she wants to be the next OctoMom.
Mark Sanford: In his defense, the mascot for the school is the Gamecock. Guess we know why. Speaking about not connected to reality, did he really think he could get away with it? He should blame his cell carrier. "Oh, you said 'hike the Appalachian Trail?' I thought you said, 'Get some Argentinian tail. Honest mistake." Don't the politicos know that you use your State Troopers to bring the hot women to your room and then drop your pants? I miss you, Bill. And where are the pictures of that woman? It is good to see the Republicans sleeping with women again though.
Big Box Stores: This may come as a shock to them, but when you can't find what you want, you get pissed and go somewhere else. No one is going to roam up and down every aisle in Home Despot to try to find where they've hidden the Price Pfister faucets. Seriously, now that they have the self-service check outs, no one actually works there any more. Bring an orange apron with you and steal the place blind.
ESPN SportsCenter: Referenced earlier, but wtf happened to this show. It used to be the best thing on tv. Now it sucks. First, quit yelling at me. Second, I don't give a shit that you're in California. Third, quit bringing celebs on the show. Just show us highlights already. Fourth, My Wish? I don't want sick kids in the morning. We're already depressed because we have to get up and go to work. Just show us the scores. My Wish is that you'd show some fucking highlights. Or that you'd finally hit more than .200 Jimmy Rollins. Fifth, reporting Shaq's tweet is not news.
All right. That's enough of a rant for now. At least it's Friday.
What are you kids not getting?
Friday, July 03, 2009
I will confess to working one summer in a fireworks distribution center. That means I loaded semi's. And got a lot of illegal fireworks when we had stuff left over at the end of the season. Why are all the best fireworks available the very next state over? Lucky stiffs.
But if you're worried about fireworks safety, don't. Because all the fireworks are made in China. And we know what sticklers they are for public safety. So when you read the extremely detailed safety instructions on your illegal fireworks, just follow them carefully.
- Light fuse
- Place on ground
- Get away
That's right. Get away. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.
But these guys said it best. It's Paul and Storm and it's 4 minutes in. Enjoy!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.
Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.
Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.
Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.
The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.
Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?
May I humbly submit:
- Treasure Chest
- Boobie Bank
- My Cup Runneth Over
- Ta Ta Travel All
- Knocker Nook
- The Tranny Cranny
- Hidden Assets
- Winnebago Wad
- SweaterPuppies Stash
- Co Co Carryall
- Guns No Show
- Fun Pillows Purse
- Honkers Be Hidden
I'm sure you have ideas as well, kids.
Anybody actually own one of these?
I always thought women just took the money given to them and put it in there anyway. Like in My Favorite Year when she takes the dollar bill for accordian lessons and secretes is away. You're welcome to the two of you who got that reference. Any man worth his salt would ever turn down a sweaty bill recently plucked from the midst of your undercarriage.
And a tip of the cap to Froggie for passing knowlege of this wonderful product along. Keep those stupid ideas coming!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Hopefully a little break from the heat and some pre-July 4th
Woo hoo! It's almost like we're becoming a real state. Keep your fingers crossed and your bail bondsman on speed dial.
Friday, June 26, 2009
That's a bargain, because to get a pussy to sit on your lap at some places costs a lot more. And it's not for an hour, it's only one song. Which is why you should always go for Freebird.
This isn't the first time people have used pussy to make a few bucks. But the places I've heard tell about have a strictly no petting rule. You can't even touch them usually. And they're always by the airport. Who hits one of these places before their flight? How are you supposed to get your tray down from the locked and fully upright position after that?
Who hasn't wanted to do some catting around at one time or another. A little heavy petting with no cat commitment. Wham bam, thank you Fluffy. Hep cats should be leery of anyplace with cat on the menu. But that's just an urban legend for Chinese restaurants isn't it?
But cats? Come on, if you want something to pet you go for a dog. Who ever heard of a therapy cat? Personally, I don't get cats. If I wanted an emotionally detached animal around, I could call up any of the girls I used to date. Hiyo!
And Cafe Cat Calico? While the alliteration is appreciated, it sounds like the special is Kitty Pot Pie. I'd go with one of the following Mr. Fukui:
- Fukui City Kitties
- Fully Exposed Nipples
- Pussy Paradise
- Totally Nude
- Bob's Cat House
- Sexy Siamese (Motto: We Love You Long Time)
- Lucky Lickers (Motto: Try Our Black Cats, You'll Never Go Back)
- Cat Fanciers
- Puss 'N Go Go Boots
- Nip 'N Ass
- Pole Katz
- Bombay Bombshells
- Burmese So Horny
- Hairless Pussy
- Sphynx & Swallows
- Purrfect 10's
As always, feel free to play along from home kids. I'm plum tuckered out after all that creativity. Time for a cat nap for this dog lover. Have a good weekend and try to get some petting in. Try the Calico and tip your waitstaff.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Now I don't know the exact medical procedure that Chaz will be undergoing for her gender re-assignment. I think it's known as an addadictomy. Hey, think of all the costume changes Mom goes through in a typical performance. This is nothing compared to that.
Named after a movie which flopped in 1069, Chastity is now going by Chaz. According to comic genius Caroline Rhea, that's because she's losing the "tity."
It could have been worse. After all Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid also released in 1969. Imagine the poor girl if they'd have named her Butch. Easy Rider also came out in '69. I'm pretty sure a girl named Easy Rider Bono would have wound up in porn. You can't make this stuff up.
But Chaz? That's the name of some prepster wearing madras shorts and carrying a polo mallet. You just want to punch someone named Chaz right in the neck. So Chaz is going to get a little help from yours truly to come up with some appropriate monikers.
So I humbly submit the following for your consideration:
* Babe (as in Ruth, not Didrickson)
* Dick (really too obvious)
* Tramp (or even Gypsy)
* Breed (not a Half-breed though)
* Thyme (because she can't be turned back)
* Woody (short for Silkwood)
* Jesse (middle name James of course)
* Unexplainable Gay Fan Base
That's all I got kids. Feel free to play along at home. Hey, you try doing something with Mermaids, Moonstruck or Mask!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Luckily, this reporter has a deep cover, double top secret insider mole in the Los Angeles County Superior Court. As far as you know. While California is a No Fault Divorce state ("no fault" is a legal term meaning it's the other one's fault), Lucky Liz's Petition for Divorce sheds quite a bit of light on the couple's relationship.
And you don't have to pour all over the legalese, because here are the Top Ten Reasons Barry Bonds is Getting Divorced.
9) Bobby Bonilla won't get off the couch
8) Bobby's irrational anger when fat burner supplement failed to lose head fat
7) 'Roid rage whenever Barry misses "his stories"
6) Barry refuses to enter any room in the house before public address announcer introduces him
5) Since alleged steroid use, Barry isn't exactly swinging a big bat (if you know what I mean)
4) Will Rogers never met Barry Bonds
3) Pine tar all over the bathroom
2) There is no I in team, but there is in dick.
1) Since retirement, he's around all the time
The good news? He's going to be single again ladies. And probably needing conjugal visits when that alleged perjury case finally goes to trial.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Why do I have the feeling that this kid has been into Mom's Fenphedra pills? Do you think he knows the Shadow Hare? Or maybe Napoleon Dynamite?
Best part of the advert?
"I do take this very seriously and do not like people calling to make fun of it, please call only if you are serious about my services for any work."
Gosh, I can't imagine why anyone would call to make fun of a Ninja. Even if the number was right there on the ad and was 801-576-0965 or 801-503-5642 for Jon's cell.
Now I've gotta go. Because I want to see a Ninja dressed all in black mow my lawn in the hot desert sun.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
There's a new drink coming to market. Sure, you've got your energy drinks, your sports drinks, you malt beverage drinks.
But now you've got Pussy.
That's right. A drink called Pussy. [F]oxy must have a better recurring internet search set up than me, because I get completely different stuff for that term.
From their web site: (along with my snarky comments)
Pussy is unique. Really, Pussy is unique? I thought it was all pink on the....well, nevermind.
Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun. It’s a starting point. Noooo, it's really kind of the ending point.
Pussy starts conversations. Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many times someone wants to talk to you when they see you have a Pussy in your hands.
It believes in having a good time as often as possible. But probably just once and then rolls over and falls quickly asleep despite all that talk about "as often as possible."
Pussy is Jonnie Shearer’s vision. He set up from his bedroom at 21 and launched in June 2004. We're sure you can understand that once you get some Pussy in your bedroom, it's going to take a few years for you to come out again. And it's good to see that Pussy is over 21. No one wants any trouble here. Right, Jerry Lee?
I'm assuming that Pussy comes in a bottle. Because you wouldn't want anyone to get all confused if it came in a can. Right, Kobe?Wouldn't you have have liked to have been at the brainstorming session where Jonnie came up with the name Pussy? I mean, just think about the names that were rejected. And you knew we'd eventually get here, didn't you?
- Cootchie Cola
- Dr. Snapper
- Muffin Dew
- Pepsi Poon
- Faygo Fish Taco (only available in the Midwest of course)
- Vernor's Very Berry Vulva
- Canada Not So Dry
- R.C. Cooter
- Honey Pot Hawaiian Punch
- Schwepp's Sideway Sloppy Joe
- Sunkist Slit
- Virgil's Vajayjay Root Beer
- Red Bush (for extra energy)
- Kool-Aid Kookie
- Coca Cola Cameltoe
I'm sure there are others, kids. Feel free to play along at home. And thank goodness for the Urban Dictionary. I learned so many slang terms today.
Monday, June 01, 2009
It's turrible, Sir Charles.
(and about 2:00 in if you can't stand the chit chat before the real stuff. Kind of like I am before the real game starts)
I just hope Mike gives the same treatment to the NHL on NBC.
Friday, May 29, 2009
- child molestation on Diff'rent Strokes
- alcoholism on Family Ties (a two parter with Tom Hanks no less)
- sexual assault on Facts of Life
- Alyssa Milano finally hitting puberty on Who's the Boss
Nothing says 22 minutes of comedy like molestation, alcoholism and assault. Boring educational value added to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program. That's why they just started to use the old Wheel of Morality with the Animaniacs.
To work off all that mindless tv, go get some exercise. Luckily for the Wife and I, were going to participate in an Organized Pet Activity this weekend. I know. We're going to Strut our Mutt. Well, mutts. I wonder what the over and under for chaos is at the event.
I'm figuring there's a chance for:
- dog fight
- poop incident
- leash break and/or escape
- refusal to Strut
- barking, jumping, peeing on strangers (both hounds are a triple threat)
Luckily, after organized dog walking, there's NHL Finals on both Saturday and Sunday. Bless you NBC for moving the games up. Just hope the results are a repeat of last year.
Enjoy the weekend, kids.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
You can only take so many of those late night attorney recruitment tv adverts for the "working men" who were lucky enough to get mesothelioma or black lung or a slip and fall one of those other lucrative yet medically difficult to disprove diseases.
But when I heard about Flying Kitties, panic ensued.
I'm still terrified of the Flying Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. And that was when I was eight.
Once there are tabbies taking to the wild blue yonder, the Animal Conspiracy will be in full swing. Those recon squirrels will seem like a long lost brother when the animals have air superiority thanks to their platoons of Sky Kitties. And will a squad of Siamese cats, yell "Purra Purra Purra" when they dive bomb us?
At least they'll be less bird poop on cars.
Now I gotta go start planting some catnip. It's our only defense.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Which is probably a bit different from this guy's loagy. Over in England, Tony Alleyne has been converting his apartment into the deck of the Enterprise. No, not the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Starship Enterprise.
See after Tony got divorced, he began his "therapeutic hobby" of converting his apartment into a fictional piece of a fictional ship. And his ex-wife still owns the apartment. I know what you're thinking. First, he's available, ladies! Second, that's got to cut down on your re-sale value. Even if you can just beam your garbage down to the bin instead of taking it out.
I'm sure once you can get Tony to put down his netbooks reader that he pretends is a tri-corder and his kitty that he's named Tribble, Tony is a very nice guy. Just ask him, because it's the quote of the story:
"I have given up absolutely everything. Some people might think I'm a bit of a sad individual but I'm not. I'm just really into Star Trek - it's really my only vice in life.”
Trek as his only vice. Well, that and the chronic masturbation of course.
Now I'll confess to enjoying Star Trek. The Wrath of Khan is one of the more entertaining movies I've seen. If it's on cable, I'll get sucked in. Once you get past Shatner's scene chewing (at 1:50 into the clip) of course. Which may even be outdone by Ricardo Montalban's prosthetic chest.
To this day I have to resist the urge to yell "Khaaaaaaannnnn!" at the top of my lungs whenever I'm at the DMV.
And I'll eventually get to the new flick.
But the Wife is skeptical at best about all things Trek. But once she sees how the basement is finished to look like the transporter room, I'm sure she'll come around.
Friday, May 22, 2009
(with apologies to the GoGo's)
There's something wrong with me. Something very, very wrong. No, not my fascination with boobies and stupid stuff. That's normal. Normal, I tell you.
It happens when I go to the butcher store.
This is an Occasion. Note the cap O. Because the real, live butcher store is across town. So it's a planned event. And because it's not an everyday happening like just stopping by the Sprawl-Mart or Try-N-Save, it somehow seems special.
Special in being able to ask a white-apron-bedecked man questions about his meat. Yes, that just sounds dirty. It's not, you pre-verts.
And because this weekend is a good one (extra days for grilling, smoking, beer-drinking, back porch philosophizing), we'll be doing some extra meating around these here parts.
Here's what is currently on tap:
- Pork Shoulder (currently cooking in the Crock Pot 'O Doom with about a cup of apple cider and some sea salt; it's just for tonight--no biggie)
- Beer Can Chicken (two of these bad boys will go in the Big Green Egg for some smoking)
- Porterhouse Steaks (these will get grilled on the regular ole propane grill. Probably on Sunday as they're currently marinating in some red wine with whole peppercorns and Italian seasoning)
- Baby Back Ribs (one rack currently rubbed with some of Billy Bones rub; the other is marinating in some teriyaki. Both will get smoked for a few hours, wrapped in foil and then finished on the propane grill)
- Lamb Shanks (these look like lil baby t-bone steaks. I love grilled lamb. These are small so may either get thrown on the smoker in some stray space and used as an appetizer or grilled by there own selves. Currently in the same marinade as the Porties)
- Sun-Dried Tomato & Chicken Sausage (these will get smoked on the Egg. I cram them in where there's room and then use the snausage in a pasta sauce during the week. Or maybe I sneak one when I'm outside with a stick and beer while I "supervise" the outdoor cooking demonstration)
- Bratwurst (same as the chicken snausage above)
See what I mean about a problem? There's no way all this gets cooked and eaten this weekend. And we'll have to run the dogs in the morning or they'll smell all that meat cooking and turn on me and start gnawing on my face when they figure out it's not for them.
Oh, and the only side I've got done is some pasta salad already chilling in the fridge. There's also some random talk of either baked or twice-baked spuds. Maybe a fruit salad if I'm feeling saucy.
But you've got to admit. Too much meat is a good problem to have.
What are you up to this weekend? Whatever it is, hope ya'll have a good Memorial Day, kids.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Some women in England were complaining that Marks & Spencer had been charging higher prices for bras that were bigger.
I know! How long has this been going on? Except maybe at Target or Land's End or any other store in the world that gouges you 2$ for the XXL size that lets you feel skinny again.
Anyway, Marks & Spencer was charging an extra $3 for any bra that was size DD or larger. So some full-figured gals started a group called Busts 4 Justice on Facebook. I'm sure a group of large-breasted women had a lot of trouble making some friends or getting any attention on the internet. Why I just did a Google search on the internet for big breasts, and I couldn't find anything.
Anyhoo, Marks & Spencer couldn't stand all the hullaballoo and scrutiny and Facebooking and free public relations, so they caved in and big breasted women can now get their bras at the same price as non-big breasted women. You can have my big bra when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. That's still second base unless a lot has changed since I was younger. And it has.
Quote of the story: "They didn't want a lot of big-breasted women storming their meeting."
Yeah, I think we can all agree that Mssrs. Marks & Spencer would have hated that. "Quick, big-breasted women are attempting to storm our meeting. Bar the doors! We don't want to let any big-breasted women in here."
It's just good to see that big-breasted women are taking this important step forward. Because women with big breasts have been oppressed for so long. Never being able to get parts in movies or get men to pay attention to them or get out of a traffic ticket. I'm sure all the small-breasted women are just as excited that big-breasted women are finally getting their equal treatment.
Now I've got to get to my Cleavacious sales presentation for Mr. Marks and Mr. Spencer.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
And for the oddly curious, no, we didn't not purchase any travel insurance or even any travel insurance online. We have in the past but didn't this time as it was just a short trip. But then you're talking about people who got married in Jamaica during hurricane season. So we're the type of peeps who like to live on the edge.
Pix are up btw. Loading took a seriously long time. Still not organized well, but they're all there in one shape or another. I need to pull some highlights methinks.
If anyone knows of a better pix service, let me know. I've maxed out Flickr and am too lame to pay for more storage. That's why junk is up at My Picturetown which I'd never even heard of before the Wife scored the new Nikon. Which is supposed to be hers, but I have to take all the pix and do all the uploading and learn how to use. Just in case anyone ever wondered who the brains of the operations was.Like The Man In the Pink Pants:
Sure that name isn't real creative, but what do you see?
Yes, there's a lot going on there. And that's right from the balcony. It's kind of cool to be able to just sit on the patio and watch the show stroll buy. It was like my own little version of Mulberry Street.
Don't miss out on the purse/carryall and the shades. And the apparently completly random standing in the street. Just waiting. For something. Which never came.And Our "Pantsy:"
We're not sure why he didn't roll up those pants. Too cool? Can't be bothered? Too time consuming?
And it's probably not too surprising that both of these individuals were suspiciously elsewhere when the cops showed.
There was also a crazy lady who would periodically get into an argument with her shoe. Seriously, she'd take it off, set it on the sidewalk and start yelling at it. But I thought pix of that was just a bit too much even for me.
Just in case you think I only took pix of scary stuff in SD, here's a lil bon motte for you.
But who needs a Panda when you've got the same shot in your backyard anytime you want it?
And don't worry, someone's probably cranky about having to pick up that Panda poo as well. It's not all sunshine and rainbows at the Zoo. They won't let you pet the lioness not matter how nicely you ask.
And that Panda poo is quite a load. Don't just take my word for it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
These two gentlemen pulled up one afternoon while we taking a bit of a beverage break on our veranda.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
Too bad that Kate will never appear on this blog now. Because we were so close until now.
Enjoy the weekend, kids. I'm headed out. See ya in a week or so. You're on your own for boobie jokes and boring dog stories till then.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
But if you don't think this is funny, you need to find a tall, tall building.
Ladies, would you ever go to a gynecologist named Dr. Bummer? Even if he was hopelessly optimistic?
I would have guessed he'd be a proctologist.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Wish I could say it better than the geniuses at someecards. But I can't.
Cinco de Mayo (and shouldn't all our holidays just be named after the date? So much simpler) is a Mexican celebration of a battle victory over the French.
I think we can all agree that defeating the French is something to be celebrated. No one has managed to defeat them before. Good thing Germany doesn't take this approach or there would be no Mercedes Benz.
Monday, May 04, 2009
I had famdamily in town: Big Bother and his wife aka Drama Queen. I don't want to say his wife is high maintenance, but when we went to San Antonio, she fell into the Riverwalk and spent the next two days using a cane that we bought at the mall downtown. Always some drama with that mama. So we were stuck with two planned family meals. One at my parents and one at our Shaque D'Amour.
And unfortunately, we also had the Canine Good Citizen test for the Hounds from Hell. This class ran for two months and is the prep class before you can get your pooch into being a Therapy Dog. I figuring this is a good way for the G-man to chew on some old people other than my parents.
By this point, we've got the Saturday routine thing down pretty well. Some quick public mastication of pork products and then off to the dog park to run the hounds until they drop. We've found that the dogs respond to training better if they're a little fatigues. Ideally, I like Tiki to be completely unconscious. That's when he's best behaved. Well because it poured all weekend and in my old age I've grown fussy about standing in the rain and throwing a ball for someone who doesn't want to bring it back and only wants to be chased, the wee ones didn't get their accustomed 90 mins of running in. Couple that with all the top weight loss pills he got into and he had an excess of energy.
There were a total of 5 dogs taking the test. And Tiki had to go last. Now, sitting quietly isn't exactly his strong point on his best days. Chewing on his brother, chasing anything that moves and looking adorable (while being secretly evil inside) are more of his strong points. So getting to watch other dogs run around while being told to sit quietly didn't go over well with the Tiki Monster.
And I don't want to say that Tiki failed his test so much as he gave it the Puppy Paw finger. Not only wouldn't he let the test handler come near him, but he pissed in the exam room. Twice. Nicely done. This is something he hasn't done at home for at least 6 months. So it's fair to say he really not that into the test. Oh, well. We'll try again in a while.
But at least something gave me heart this weekend.
It's always great to know that one of the most beautiful women in the world absolutely sucks at something. None of us is perfect. We all have different strengths. Whether it's obedience or looking adorable or singing. This kind of thing reminds me of a scene in The Rachel Papers where Ione Skye is doing her make up while singing completely tunelessly and throwing cotton balls on the floor while the garbage basket is literally right beside her. No matter how perfect someone looks, there's going to be something about them that would drive you up the wall.
So with that introduction, I give you Denise Richards at a Cubs game.
Who doesn't know all the words to Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Wow.
Bet she doesn't like to sit quietly either.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
How 'bout some happy news to finish off the week, kids?
If you're in the Midwest and walking the streets of Cincinnati, never fear. Because Shadow Hare is on patrol keeping you safe.
Oh sure, he just looks like a dweeb in a black outfit. But don't be fooled. That's just his clever ploy to lure unbelieving ne'er-do-wells into a false sense of security. In actuality, he's a 21 year old man from Milford, Ohio.
Luckily, people are taking this vigilantism seriously. It's not like the local news is exploiting it for cheap publicity.
Oh, wait. They are.
In fact, it's a three part series. Hey, at least it's not news about the swine flu.
Of course, Shadow Hare has a secret identity. That's to protect his family members from the schemes of an Evil Genius. And to keep people from hassling him in their basement.
According to Mr. Hare, he's part of a nationwide network of superheroes known as the Allegiance of Heroes. Best headline? From Topless Robot: Allegiance of Heroes Fights Crime, Dignity.
A hare? Are you kidding me? Who's afraid of a bunny? That's not going to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers. And even though they are a suspicious and cowardly lot, your Bunny Signal isn't going to cut it.
For a crime fighter in Cincy, may I suggest the following:
- Chili Man (he's famous, but only in the Midwest)
- The Queen (it is the Queen City after all)
- Red Man (not the tobacco, just his socks for the baseball team)
- Marvin Lewis (hey, he's been fighting crime against his football team for quite some time)
- Proctor & Gamble Boy (it's their corporate hq)
- Carew Tower Titan
- Dr. Johnny Fever
- Krogerman (another corp hq)
I'm sure you may have others. Feel free to play along at home.
And it's not like crime fighting is without it's risks. According to Shadow Hare, he once dislocated his shoulder when foiling an attack on a woman. And I'm guessing he also got kicked in the nuts when he asked for the woman's phone number.
We kid because we care, Shadow Hare. God speed. With great power comes great responsibility. And at 5 feet 7 inches tall, you're going to have a lot of responsibility. Hope you can run fast.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I'm still pissy about having to do a bunch of work on SARS communication plans at one of my prior jobs. What a complete waste of time? Guess what, kids? People get sick and get the flu all the time. And because the media doesn't understand science, they use fearmongering and panic to get you to watch the news.
Guess the headline "Thousand Die From Regular Flu Anyway" isn't quite as eye catching.
Did we say 150 people died from Swine Flu? We meant 7. Thanks World Health Organization. You're better off getting your medical advice from Pete Townsend. Just don't let him borrow your computer. It might at least be a little entertaining had we not already done this before.
I wish I could say it as well as Drew, the guy from Fark:
Here's why you shouldn't panic:
- The Mexican Government estimates that 86 people (or more) have died from Swine Flu. Okay, that's tragic. But why the hell are we taking their numbers at face value? For starters, if you read the fine print the death numbers being tossed around are estimates. There are 18 confirmed deaths so far. Which ain't awesome, but it's a damn sight better than a hundred.
- In quite a few articles I've read, I've seen statements to the effect of researchers aren't sure why the cases in the US and Canada appear to be milder than the ones in Mexico and none have resulted in death. I know we'd all like to pretend that Mexico has its act together, but last time I checked Mexico was a third world country with third world healthcare. Do the math.
- Speaking of no one having died in the US and Canada, not only has no one in a first world country died from Swine Flu yet, but so far no one's even rumored to be in danger of dying. And most of the confirmed cases got better on their own after a few days at home. EVERYBODY PANIC
- It is no doubt a source of great disappointment to MSM that they can't add that Swine Flu is "drug resistant" or "there's no known cure". Because it's neither, it responds to Tamiflu and other treatments. Yes, I realize there are distribution hurdles in the event of a huge outbreak, but currently it's not an issue and I don't expect it will become one.
PS: if anyone is offended by my portrayal of the Mexican Government and their suckasstic healthcare system as a bunch of 3rd world incompetent boobs, which they are, you'll get over it.
You won't see this discussion in MSM because, as humans, we're primed to act on fear. It's human nature. MSM is a reflection of what people are reacting to, not a reflection of what's actually going on in the world. People click the hell out of fearmongering articles, so MSM keeps running them. That, and no MSM outlet wants to be the guys who "didn't see it coming". Buncha pansies.
The problem with making fun of MSM pandemic reporting is that eventually there's going to be a pandemic. You don't have to be Nostradamus to make that call, it's as likely as War, Famine, Taxes, and me drinking beer after dinner (or during). So, although I put myself at risk of contracting "Long Term Idiot Stigma" by saying it, let me be the first to tell you this ain't the big one.
Frankly, until this starts to impact bacon production or the basketball playoffs, I'm just going to ignore it.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Somewhere Joey Harrington is still in a fetal position rocking back and forth and whispering "The horror, the horror."
If only the Onion didn't hit it right on the head.
Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf
But then they could have pretty much gone with any Lions quarterback since Erik Kramer for this joke. And just off the top of my head that list includes: Andre Ware, Chuck Long, the previously mentioned My Pal Joey, Scott Mitchell, Rodney Peete. I'm sure there are others.
But seriously, kids. If you're sitting around today and find yourself watching the draft, you may need a support group. Or at the very least two dogs who want to go outside and run around until they're about to drop. And then run around for at least a half hour more. Give me a call, I'll let you have them for a few hours. Think of them as an exercise machine with fur.
Friday, April 24, 2009
And this video for Cleveland is in no way inspired by the Cavaliers absolutely kicking the hell out of the Pistons in the playoffs this year. That Billups for Iverson trade certainly worked out for everyone involved. Enjoy your trophy, Lebron. I'm rooting for you a lot more than I am for Kobe. But then I guess I have a bit of a problem with rapists going free. I haven't forgotten, Kobe, even if Laker fans have. Hey, I may bring a pair of women's panties to Sunday's game and try to throw them on the court when you get introduced.
Okay, enough of my Kobe rant. Back to Cleveland, kids. Book your plane tix now.
There really is a lot to do in Cleveland. The Tribe, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and chicken wing places. Or the tour of the Christmas Story home.
But I'm still laughing my ass off at this vid.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
If you're lucky enough to be near Chicago today, hope you're having fun. Because it's Talk Like Shakespeare Day. I'm sure this won't get old at all. Just like Talking Like a Pirate.
I know, it always sneaks up on you. Barely time enough to buy all the presents and get the tree up. Make sure you take the time out to take the kids to the parade and sit on Bill's lap. Some traditions have to endure. Just like the Dude.
Luckily, Chicago has everything else taken care of so they can go ahead and focus on Sweet William's words of wisdom. Which probably means that the Bleacher Creatures will be chanting "Thou Sucketh" to the opposing team at Wrigley.
Granted most everyone knows about Shakespeare is what they learned from the musical Hamlet episode of Gilligan's Island or Atomic Shakespeare on Moonlighting. But some of us were lucky enough to get the Bard shoved down our throats quite a bit. That only sounds dirty. But it comes in handy all the time.
Can you imagine anything more romantic than getting down on a knee, pulling out one of those flashy engagement rings and using a couplet or three to propose to your prospective proposee?
Canst thou seeth love in my life
If thou consent to be my wife?
If problems come, twill not matter
Ere we stay in iambic pentameter.
I'm telling you guys, Niagra Falls. And the Canadian side, where it looks bigger.
So when someone cuts you off today on the Dan Ryan, don't give them the finger. Simply roll down the window and give them a Shakespearean Insult:
"Thou ungrateful Turk! Thou whey faced loon!"
Enjoy the day, kids.
Hope you're not one of those ancillary characters who gets stuck with all the exposition.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
And while I greatly appreciate [F]oxymoron's comment that live blogging whilst gambling would make for great reading,
that would simply have taken more industry, technology and sobriety of which I was able.
Instead, I present to you inane and insightful (sometimes both at the same time) ramblings scribbled upon cocktail napkins, betting slips and those cards for the women they try to force on you as you roam The Strip.
-- I'm playing a little game I call Douchebag and Hoor. See if you can find this couple in your town!
-- The Imperial Palace is really showing it's age. And that's just the cocktail waitresses! Hiyo. I'm here all week. No wait, just for another two days.
-- $6 for a bottle of Miller Lite!? Steve Wynn can lick my taint. If I have to pay minibar prices at the main bar, I'm going to drink in my underwear just like if I was in my overpriced Encore room.
-- If you're a celebrity impersonator and you actually have to wear a name tag telling people which celebrity you're supposed to be, you might want to work on your card dealing skills.
-- 4 Sixes! WooT!
-- There is no way the Utah Spazz stay within 12 points of the Lakers.
-- Why does Mac King have Monday off? Now I have to drink and keep gambling. Damn.
-- The Star Trek slot machine did not boldly go where no man had gone before. It did, however, beam up $20 much too quickly.
-- A scroungy looking guy came up to me and asked for money for a bus ticket. I asked how I could know he wouldn't just take $20 and go gamble with it. His answer? "Oh, I got gambling money."
-- Drinking your way down the strip is a good way to lose weight.
-- Lakers 113, Spazz 100. Thank you for the $, Kobe.
-- I just bought the Wife a monkey. He looks housebroken.
-- $10 to look at Ferrari parts? No wonder, Wynn is loaded. Good money if you can make it I guess.
-- Why is the stupid horse racing game only at the MGM grand? Even more depressing, I'm good at it.
-- I'm a sucker for long shots? 200 to 1? I'm in for a buck.
-- Nine a.m. is not too early for a hot dog. A real Vienna hot dog at that.
-- Damn. I'm going to miss Brittney's concert. Well, I'm not really going to miss it.
-- Three shrimp is really not enough for an appetizer, Emeril. Is it bad form to order 4 of these at a time?
-- I used to T.A. a stat class for God's sakes. Why can't I win any money at craps today?
-- It's really sad that all the money I won was playing the Star Wars penny slot machine. Even more depressing is that the Japanese tour group had gathered around to watch me destroy the Death Star. Yes, the Force is strong with this one.
-- $300 bucks in pennies would be pretty funny to carry around. In a wheelbarrow up and down the Strip.
-- The Tequila Goddess should really be able to summon tequila from her nipples. Just saying.
-- If there's anything funnier than sneaking into the midst of a Japanese tourist group and doing your Godzilla impression, I don't know what it is. Why don't they stampede like in the movies?
-- Is this pool warm from the oppressive sun or the swim up black jack table?
-- I'm up at 4:00 am because I woke up. Those people at the bar are up at 4:00 am because they're still up.
-- There's a guy asleep in the hall in front of the door next to mine. And he's wearing a sports coat. Stay classy, Vegas!
-- This drive home is a lot longer than the drive down. Luckily thinking about all this bootleg liquor bought in Nevada and avoiding the oppressive Utah tax code makes it a happy drive.
That's it, kids. I'm out of cocktail napkins. Happy Earth Day!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Someone is probably stealing that weatherman story right now.
Buy it already. Please note, I'm not Bill Scheft in my real life. I just think we need to support the artists who put out good stuff. Which isn't too many last time I checked.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
My biggest worry is that now that we have Canine One, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies. And then in 6 months, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies at the shelter.
That's him being Lord of All He Surveys down at the day care.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Ah, what an auspicious day. Tax day and more. But the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't convene every year to try to make death worse.
Lest, I get off on a rant here, on to the real business.
Reason #583 to Lurve Utah:
Our Literary Readings
That's right today you can take in two of our esteemed authors.
First up, Dooce is at The King's English to read from her book, It Sucked and Then I Cried. It's at 7:00 tonight so you'd better hurry.
Second, and by no means secondary, Marie Osmond will be signing her new book Might As Well Laugh About it Now at Deseret Book on the 17th.
Can you guess which author I want to see most? Which I want to boo most?
That's right. Both. In Heather's case, it's just professional jealousy. In Marie's just envy of her dancing skillz.
Go read something good instead, kids.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I love going out to breakfast. It probably stems from my inability to time everything required for an in home breakfast to come out in anything other than a successive wave of food. Toast, eggs, potatoes at the same time? Forget about it. That's beyond my culinary skillz.
And I love going out for breaky despite our long running national battle with The Bacon Shortage. I mean, there must be a shortage. How else can you explain only getting 2 pieces of bacon at a time? We're rationing.
And Easter breakfast is especially good.
Because I get to use my favorite joke of the year when the waitress asks me how I want my eggs:
"Easter. And can you hide them from me?"
Even better, this never gets anything other than a confused look from her. It's like a law. A powerful federal law. Not one of those wimpy little state laws.
Now I've got to finish my omelet before I go get another one.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
If you don't remember it (because it's almost as old as me) it's below. Unless that code is being wonky again, in which case go here to refresh your recollection.
The best part of this is that Canadian comedian (known officially as a Canedian) Greg Morton had just done a new song on the Bob & Tom show to this same tune. You may already know Greg from his entire encapsulation of Star Wars.
To to the tune of Spiderman (or Spiderpig if you follow the Simpsons) here it be:
Biologically, something's wrong
Has six kids, wants 8 more
She's a narcissistic, greedy whore
Here comes the Octomom
Please prescribe her a wake up pill
How can she possibly
Feed those kids
And go pee?
There goes the Octomom
It was in the news
She has no job
And no spouse
But with interviews
She can buy
A new house
She thinks babies
Moved to my neighborhood
Privacy, gone for good
There goes the Octomom.
She's Nadya Sulemaaaaaannnnnnnnn
Now I've got to put on a cape and hop around on the couch like I have super powers.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Well thanks to the commies in North Carolina, we're going to be forced to sell the Great Lakes to Canada. If only MSU had won the ball game. Oh, well. I'm sure we'll all soon get used to drinking our own urine out of the recyclers soon.
How bad is it in Michigan now? Well, we're arguing about Bull Mastiff sperm. In divorce court of course.
It's true. In Oakland County (that's the ritzy suburb outside of Detroit) a couple is arguing over who owns the sperm of their three dogs Cyrus, Reg and Romeo. Go figure Romeo is a lover and not a fighter.
So when you think maybe your job really sucks this weekend. Just remember that you could be harvesting Bull Mastiff semen in Michigan.
Man, and my dogs follow me all over the house now. Isn't the dog supposed to be man's best friend? But that probably is one way to get your dog to finally quiet down and take a nap. Hope they don't let those Big Sweeties smoke afterward.
I'll spare you any lame jokes about divorce cases being a real dog fight. You're welcome.
Have a good weekend, kids.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
But I've been giving advice (mostly bad and mostly for women) for years now. And still haven't been sued. Knock wood. And I've been advocating giving the shiny stuff to your squeeze for years now.
So when I see that a site that sell jewelry has Tips For Guys, I'm a little skeptical. If you don't know what kind of necklace to get for your sweetie, what do you think a jewelry site is going to tell you. The bigger, the better, right?
Surprisingly, it's a real soft sell. And no, their love isn't tainted. You're welcome to the both of you that got that joke.
Realistically, you should just pick whatever jewelry you'll ultimately be handing out by color. Don't get hung up on the kind of stone. No, it isn't appropriate to use a Sharpie to make those inexpensive pearls into the black kind. Personally, that Stainless Steel Sharpie is just as handy as some earrings. What are you going to write the license plate down with when that car speeds away from the bank after robbing it? Not earrings, that's for sure.
And I like the advice on engagement rings. "Chill, dude. She's probably going to say yes." Umm, I'd like to introduce these guys to my cousin Judy. She did say yes. Until she got to the alter. Oops. The absolute closest I've ever come to being in a real life sitcom. Chill, dude, indeed.
Just remember, diamonds are forever. And so are the payments.