Feelin' On Yo Booty

I can't believe I almost forgot about it. Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And this year, there's video.

This completely changes the weekend plans. No sitting around watching football and cracking wise.

It's raping, pillaging, looting, raping, piracy and raping. Hey, I like raping.

Then a Pirates of the Caribbean movie marathon followed by Against All Flags to wash that incomprehensible plot taste out of my mouth.

Now our customary Crummy Pirate Jokes.

Who does a Pirate vote for? Barrrrrack

What's a Pirate's favorite football team? The Buccaneers

Where are the Buccaneers? Under me Buccan Hat.

Why does a Pirate read Playboy? For the arrrrticles.

A Pirate's Favorite Centerfold? Barrrrbie Benton

What's a Pirate's favorite baking soda? Arrrm & Hammer

What's a Pirate's favorite mystical artifact? Arrrrk of the Covenant

A Pirate's Favorite Fast Food Restaurant? Surprisingly, Chick-Fil-A

Where do Pirates find their birds? Parrots Without Partners

Who is a Pirate's favorite actress? Dianne Cannon

What is it called when a sloop runs aground? Ship out of luck

Enjoy the holiday, swabbies!

Yo Ho Ho

Hey, kids, it's a TwoFer Tuesday. Wait, it's already Wednesday. Dang that Monday off thing gets me every time. Then it's a Wacky Wednesday for Pirate News. All pirate news all the time. It's like being on a treadmill of pirate funny that just won't stop.

Dateline Noo Yawk, a man carrying a sword in a Macy's was arrested. And in the typical shoddy UP reporting style, they left out the most important part -- he was dressed like a pirate. On his way to a kickball game. With his girlfriend. Yes, I'm shocked he had a girlfriend. She must be a pretty tolerant sort to go out in public with him dressed like a pirate. And as she was with him on his way to a kickball game, that means she is going to watch him (and his buddies) play kickball. Clearly, this woman has no hobbies. There's supportive, then there's watching kickball. Oh, and she's 8 months pregnant with his child. That's true love when you're carrying your baby down to the kickball diamond to watch your pirate outfit wearing baby daddy.

The man claimed the kickball team wore pirate outfits when they played. This means other people dress up like pirates, go out in public and play kickball. I think we may have underestimated the amount of marijuana use in this country. Yeah, you'll be shocked to find that the man, Lawrence Jackson, had some pot on him.

The NY Post seems to be the only major media outlet that took this pirate attack on Macy's seriously. Tip of the cap for the headline Buccaneer Bust along with pictures of Lawrence and his sword. Good work, Posties!

In other Pirate News, set sail for Buffalo as Pirate Fest 2008 is coming to Evangola State Park on July 26th & 27th. Make your travel plans early as the Pirate Costume Contest and Treasure Hunt will pack them in early. Not a lot of people know that Pirates were rampant in Buffalo. They used to attack all the shipping on Lake Erie and send captives over Niagra Falls if the ransom was insufficient to slake their piratey greed.

In fact the most famous of all the Lake Erie Pirates was LeClair LePointe. He pillaged, raped, looted, raped, murdered and raped (he really liked raping) his way up and down the coast of Northern Ohio and Western New York. LePointe was very smart and used a special type of cedar wood to build his ships. This made them faster than any other ships on Lake Erie and gave him a huge tactical advantage over the government navies which pursued him.

Eventually the U.S. government was so upset at their inability to capture LePointe that they actually gave up. To placate LePointe they gave him his own sovereign state as long as he would only attack English shipping during the War of 1812. This pirate stronghold eventually was turned into a park. Which is why we now have Cedar LePointe.

Man that was a long way to go. I hope the two of you who got that joke enjoyed it.

Denouement

Wow! What a great Talk Like a Pirate Day. This one was the the best one ever. I'd post some photos, but the digital cameras got destroyed during the off-shore bombardment. But I'm getting ahead of myself....

It all started innocently enough. The parade was going fine and the turnout was much better than expected. Some parade-goers were less than enthused with our float, but when we fired a few musket loads of candy into them, they fled in terror. But then they found it was just rainbow goodness, they recovered quickly.

And because the parade was so well received, we decided to go ahead with a re-enactment at the school. While I lost the costume contest to a World War II vet with a peg leg, the machete duel with the principal turned out better than expected. We may have gotten a little carried away when we took a few of the female teachers hostage some of the instructors seemed to enjoy it a lot.

The kids were so excited with the duel and the pillaging that we decided the float would probably float. And when the bombardment of the school began, the kids just went crazy.

How were we to know a few innocent cannonballs would burn the school down?

Like I said, it turned out to be a great day. Everything ought to be repaired just in time for next year.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

The Summer just seemed to go so quickly here in the Great Grey North.

I'd really like to hit Walt Disney World and see all my wee little friends. Maybe an Orlando rental home this time instead of a Disney Hotel.

I'll never forget sitting by the pool when a wee tot playing in the water cried to his Dad, "I've got to go potty." Dad replied that he'd be right there. Less than 30 seconds later as Dad was headed his way, the water tot loudly declared, "Nevermind." Yup, the end of the pool day for us.

All the Pirate Preparations have me pining for going on a certain ride about 15 times in a row. It's especially fun during the parade when no one is around and you can make out in the back row. I always notice something new whenever I go. Like how my seat is wet, Cap'n Jack.