From Bad to Verse

Minnesota is officially looking for a state poet laureate. As the self-declared official poet laureate for the Cleavacious brand self-adjustable bra, my bona fides are well established.

And while I'm not officially from Minnesota, I'm pretty certain there's some kind of loophole. You know, the same kind that allows Senators to simultaneously be from New York, Arkansas, Chicago and own a home in Connecticut. I'm even willing to but one of those 1 inch real estate ranches. And I'll raise the worlds tallest bonsai tree on that 1 inch parcel of real estate.

So of course, I've got to apply to be the State of Minnesota's Poet Laureate. While I'm probably a shoo in because of my past work in women's undergarments, I thought it might be prudent to grease the skids as it were with something that was a bit more Minnesota-centric.

This still a little rough out, but it's a start. After all, it is a government gig.

Something, something lots of lakes,

Home to no poisonous snakes [To Fact Checker--yes?]

Leaving you makes my heart break

Excessive foot-tapping in MSP stalls a big mistake.

Blah blah de de lands quite striking

In the woods we all go hiking

There is even lots of biking

When not yelling at the GD Vikings

Depart your shores, you won't convince

Even though I'm sick of Prince

And his dance steps mostly mince

Changed his name, a symbol since

Something blah blah red blooded male

Would take a swing at Kevin McHale

For trading Garnett in a fire sale

Such basketball leadership makes me wail.

Your ex-governor Jesse liked to wrestle

In the state cap he did nestle

Like a bridge with a solid trestle

But caused most folk to burst blood's vessel

So to your lands I must go

Our children tall and brave will grow

Though Ma Nature some weather may throw

Way too much fucking snow.

If that doesn't win them over, nothing will.

Unfortunately, I don't know much more about the Great Lakes State except that Bob Dylan was from there, the lost a lot of Super Bowls and won the World Series over the Braves. And that really didn't help except for being able to rhyme Kirby Puckett with Fuck It.