But last Friday was a swell capper to the week. And all of this is true. I swear to God it is.
At 11:00 am, I attended my best friend's mother's funeral. I counted and this is only the third funeral I've ever had to go to. Clean living I guess.
A dinky little church out in the farmland of Michigan. You drive across bare, snow-covered fields and hope you don't have Bruce Springsteen's The River in the CD player of your car and a loaded gun in the trunk, because you'll kill yourself and won't make it.
Now I never met my buddy's Mom, so I was really going for him. Put in a quick appearance, sit in back, duck out early if no one is looking. No such luck. Old people sat behind us. Old people who sang loudly. Loudly and off-key.
And I know why people don't dig church. Music from the 6o's--the 1860's. A priest/minister/shaman who is completely out of touch. And bagpipes! They always like to go with the bagpipe at a funeral because only the deceased is spared from the caterwauling. And I can't hear Amazing Grace without thinking of Mr. Spock at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and getting a little verklempt.
At lunch afterwards, Wife and I were commenting about the music. We were both trying to decide what we'd play at the funeral if the other one died. I was opting for Hate Myself for Loving You or Your Love is Like Bad Medicine. She was leaning toward Julie Brown's I Like Them Big and Stupid or Sympathy for the Devil by the Stones. You know...the classics.
After lunch, I got my annual physical. And because I'm 40 now, I got the complete physical. Yes, grab your cheeks and spread them, the Bareback Mountain, the welcome to Deliverance County physical. And what really twists me up, is that I didn't come back with any retort to the process. Granted this is completely unlikely. I just held on to that damn exam table and prayed for it to be over. What I should have said was one of the following:
- Doc, do I get to keep your watch?
- If you find my dignity, let me know.
- Usually I get dinner before I let someone do this.
- But can you clap?
- [singing] Fly me to the moo-ooo-oon.
- [as Morgan Freeman] That was the longest night of Andy Dufresne's life. Oh, Andy.
I'm sure there are others. At least my Doc is a woman and has small hands. Can't wait till next year.