Friday, June 29, 2007

True Love

If you're visitng Bluffton, SC, make sure you take a Sharpie.

Seems a man waited until his wife was asleep, then wrote profanities on her arms, legs and back. She must be a deep sleeper. And while the article doesn't say it, why do I have the sneaking suspicion she was in such a deep sleep because alcohol was involved.

Anyhoo, Sleeping Beauty awakes to find herself graffiti-ed up and proceeds to beat up her husband and bite him a few times. It's the biting that landed her in jail. She said that she had bitten her husband twice and threatened him with a wooden board. I think we've all probably got a pretty good idea where she was going to put that board.

And while this short little story of these two crazy kids is absolutely delicious, it lacks most of the facts which could truly turn it into something fabulous. So it's up to use interwebers to speculate and make stuff up.

First, was it a permanent marker? The police report just said it was an "ink pen." Real helpful, Barney. It's lucky for her he didn't go all Ross & Rachel on her face as well.

Second, what did he write on her various body parts? I'm guessing the body art on her back was "Open All Night" with an arrow pointing downwards. With that in mind, here's what was on the rest of her.
  • Spread the Word (on her legs of course)
  • The 2nd Amendment Rules (on her bare arms)
  • Space for Rent (back)
  • If you lived here, you'd be home by now
  • House was Here
  • This Anatomy Ain't Grey
  • Do Not Tease the Animals
  • Free to Good Home
  • Left Right (on the wrong arms)
  • This End Up (on back as well)
  • Get Back to Where You Once Belonged (on back)
  • Don't Pull on My Ears, I Know What I'm Doing
  • No Entry
  • One Way Only
  • No Pepper

I'm sure there are others. Feel free to play along at home, kids.

But I'm also sure this man is never going to sleep soundly the rest of his life. Paybacks are hell, buster.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A Dog & His Boy

I've discovered an amazing new trick that my dog (Guiness the Wonder Dog for those of you who have short memories) somehow learned on his own.

He has the amazing ability to make his poo stick to his butt. This is a wonderful trick.

Because he's then taught me that if I don't want to have poo in my house, I get to cut the hair around his asshole.

Yes, there are special safety asshole scissors that I get to use to carefully trim the dingleberries. This task is made more difficult when Guinness would rather play than sit patiently for his butt trim and when Wife and I are giggling uncontrollably.

I do recall that at one point, Guinness turned around and gave me a look that said, "When I get my thumbs, you sonsabitches won't be laughing anymore."

I don't ever remember Timmy having to trim Lassie's hinder. Maybe Shaggy and Scooby Doo did this, but again, I must have missed those scenes.

I'm guessing in the future, George Jetson had some kind of labor-saving device to handle this for Astro.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Challenge Accepted

Because we've only had Paris' incarceration, freedom, re-incarceration and parental line jumping to distract us, morale is low. During this time of national torment, where is the media distraction we so desperately need. Paris is only acting dumb according to her collect call with Barbara Walters. And Paris has found the Lord. Better get right with Him yourself, dear reader.

Luckily, someone has stepped up to the plate and accepted the challenge. And while the national news hasn't picked up on it yet, it's only a matter of time.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this woman, Sara White, may be the next runaway bride we need to get us out of our funk. Yes, Ms. White is engaged to be married. But she was going to go out on a date with a man she met on a phone chat line.

When she got cold feet about cheating on her fiancee, she faked her own kidnapping to cancel the date. Too bad her date called the cops. His bad.

"Basically, it was the only thing I could think of," Sara White said. Yeah, because that whole "I can't go out with you because I'm engaged to someone already" line never works.

Sara is still scheduled to get married next April. C'mon, Sara. The bus station can't be too far away from where you live and a ticket to Albuquerque is beckoning.

I'm not sure we're going to make it until next April though. Any chance you could make that a June wedding? We've still got 2 weeks left....

Friday, June 08, 2007

3 Days in the Hole

Well our national crisis has been averted. With Paris' freedom from jail due to an "unspecified medical condition," we once again have the media distraction we need to keep us rolling.

Luckily, Paris was able to smuggle a note out to me written on toilet paper. I'm sharing it with you until we can finally get some news through official channels from the Hilton compound.


Hey, dude. Like, I'm free and all so you need to come buy and see me. There's lots of popsarazzis in front of the house so yu'll need to sneek in somehows.

You know how I toled you I was all worried about being in the jail and stuff. We'll I worryed so much that I gave my self a rash and they thot that it was scabies or something. So now I have to stay at home and wear this dumb bracelete but that doesn't meen I can't party!

Jail wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The wurst part is that everyone was wearing the same outfit as me. You know I'm not a summer so I wish I could have got a blue jumpsuit instead.

Before yu ask, yes, I did have to get the full cavity search before I got in the slammer. And you know I usually only do that after a fancey dinner and when there's a video camera around. Plus it was over too soone.

I had my own room, but it was like so small. 8' by 10' with just a toilet and a sink. At a Hilton, we call that a joonier sweet. HA! I herd Dave tell that on my TEEVO when I got back here. And I only got to go outside like 1 hour a day. Luckily, I was skinnee enough to fit between the bars of my cell and go for a walk whenever I wanted.

The other pirsoners were so meen. They kept calling me Marty even thogh I kept telling them it was Paris. I did meet a nice lady named Grace who said she wanted to clean my carpet for me but I toled her I had hardwood floors at my house.

I'm outta room on this skware so I gotta go. I'm pretty bummed I never even got to try the wine I was making in my pirson toylet. Cum see me soon.

XO Paris

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Step Up, Bitches

Can you hear that sound? It's news editors all over the country crying.

Paris is in the pokey and Ho-Han is habilitatin' for another 30 days or so. And the media doesn't have anything to talk about. Oh sure, there's the war and why we're still in it even though we were told we'd be out by the last bunch of liars we voted for. But nobody wants that depressing stuff in the news.

So I'm calling out our newsmaking folks to step up and become the next media distraction/fixation with one of the following:
  • Runaway Bride
  • Teenage Kidnapping
  • Republican Scandal
  • Celebrity Beaver Shot
  • Poor Hollywood Parenting
  • High-profile Divorce
  • Hollywood Sex Tape
  • Campaign Leak
  • Surprise Summer Movie Hit
  • Sensational Hollywood Murder
  • Reality TV Cheating Allegation
  • Celebrity DUI with Crazed Mugshot
Place your bet folks on what it'll be next.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Florida Dreaming

I'm dreaming up funny things right now. No, not brainstorming, I'm actually thinking up little comedy bits while I'm asleep. I actually woke myself up this morning laughing. This is probably because I've been working so hard and have public relations on the brain right now.

Now, to those of you who've been around here for a while, this probably comes as no shock. You're thinking, "No kidding. We know you kill yourself. If only we got some of that humor every now and then." So here it is. What I was dreaming of and woke up with giggles at.

Universal Orlando announced that it's going to start building a Harry Potter theme park. (Because Orlando needs some tourism, it's practically a ghost town most weekends.)

Universal has also announced a partnership with the Department of Motor Vehicles. Because it was the only way they could figure out how to make the lines move slower. Maybe not even at all on some days.

Yeah, in the cold, hard type of Blogger it doesn't seem nearly as hilarious. A joke about the DMV and slow lines? That's never been done before. Maybe you needed to see the Hogwart's crest on a surly DMV lady to appreciate the nuance of the joke. Or maybe I'm just slowly going nuts?

If dreaming of PR jokes is wrong, I don't want to be right.