Dog Eat Dog

There are many things I've learned from my numerous visits to the dog park. For those of you not encumbered with a hairy dependent (and when is he going to get a job?), a dog park is a fenced-in enclosure where you take your beast so he (or she) can sniff many strange butts and run to his (or her) heart's delight so that he'll sleep the rest of the day.

But it's always fascinating to see people interact with their pets. Or their masters as the case may be.

There are some things I've learned from my time at the Park d'Poo:

1) If you name your dog Dimebag, you may be giving a little more information about your lifestyle than you originally intended. Especially when you're yelling "Dimebag, come Dimebag" at the top of your lungs.

2) If you hand out personalized pens while you have a bag of poop in your other hand, don't be surprised if no one hangs on to the pen for very long. And you're obviously in very desperate need of clients.

3) If you bring a puppy, two dogs, and two kids to the dog park on your own, don't be surprised if you can't keep track of them all. That's a 5 on 1 zone, baby. Even when the older son picks up a rock and throws it at the head of the younger one. Don't worry, ma'am, I've got the puppy. You just try to get some care for that scalp wound.

4) Scalp wounds really bleed a lot.

5) Kids with scalp wounds should be used in lieu of car alarms.

6) Dogs who hear car alarms (or kids that are louder than car alarms) can immediately evacuate their bowels even if they are running at full speed.

7) Guinness the Wonder Dog has the prettiest eyes ever.

8) But his kisses are a little too wet for my liking.

9) If you have two dogs of the exact same breed and exact same color and you can't tell them apart, don't expect me to either.

10) Labradors have the most drool. Even when running at full speed.