Shining Star

Whew, I may still be all loagy from all that meat. But it's a good kind of loagy.

Which is probably a bit different from this guy's loagy. Over in England, Tony Alleyne has been converting his apartment into the deck of the Enterprise. No, not the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Starship Enterprise.

See after Tony got divorced, he began his "therapeutic hobby" of converting his apartment into a fictional piece of a fictional ship. And his ex-wife still owns the apartment. I know what you're thinking. First, he's available, ladies! Second, that's got to cut down on your re-sale value. Even if you can just beam your garbage down to the bin instead of taking it out.

I'm sure once you can get Tony to put down his netbooks reader that he pretends is a tri-corder and his kitty that he's named Tribble, Tony is a very nice guy. Just ask him, because it's the quote of the story:

"I have given up absolutely everything. Some people might think I'm a bit of a sad individual but I'm not. I'm just really into Star Trek - it's really my only vice in life.”

Trek as his only vice. Well, that and the chronic masturbation of course.

Now I'll confess to enjoying Star Trek. The Wrath of Khan is one of the more entertaining movies I've seen. If it's on cable, I'll get sucked in. Once you get past Shatner's scene chewing (at 1:50 into the clip) of course. Which may even be outdone by Ricardo Montalban's prosthetic chest.

To this day I have to resist the urge to yell "Khaaaaaaannnnn!" at the top of my lungs whenever I'm at the DMV.

And I'll eventually get to the new flick.

But the Wife is skeptical at best about all things Trek. But once she sees how the basement is finished to look like the transporter room, I'm sure she'll come around.

Dr. Feelgood

I have always thought Drew Carey was funny. Not just because he's overweight and from Ohio (although I'll grant you that this pre-disposes me to like him).

But if you don't think this is funny, you need to find a tall, tall building.



Ladies, would you ever go to a gynecologist named Dr. Bummer? Even if he was hopelessly optimistic?

I would have guessed he'd be a proctologist.

We Are Family

I think the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse must be saddling their steeds.

Because MC Hammer is getting his own reality series.

I won't bother to say, yes, that MC Hammer. Because like there'd be another MC Hammer.

And it's on A&E. A&E used to stand for Arts & Entertainment. That's been changed to Accidents & Egregious. And those accidents are train wrecks.

A&E is going with Hammertime for the name of the show. Boring!

Here are some suggestions for those clever folks at A&E.

• U Can't Watch This
• Parachute Pants Were Never InStyle
• The Hammer Family Groove
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Hammers
• Too Legit to Work
• Turn This Mutha Off
• Please Hammer, Don't Sing Again
• (Hocked All My) Platinum
• Pray (You Can Find the Remote)
• Vanilla Ice Said "Hell No"
• Let's Get This Over With

Feel free to play along at home kids. I hope you appreciate how much intertube research I had to do to find more than the two Hammer songs I couldn't get the hell out of my head.

So take this.

I'd Have Voted For This Rudy

It's tonight.  Can you feel it?  The most important television event ever.  Yup, it's Rudolph.  Per uzh.  And just because they've been showing it since 1964, don't think you can miss it.  If you do miss it, your head might explode.  It's been known to happen.  I read about in on the interwebs somewhere.  I lost the link.  Sorry.

And don't think you can just watch it on DVD.  If you do that you'll miss the commercials.  And then you won't buy stuff for Xmas.  And then the terrorists win.  Besides Santa sliding down a hill on an electric shaver never gets old.

Anyway to whet your collective appetites, here's a little list for you.  You knew we'd eventually get here.

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

10) Named to Barack Obama's transition team

9) Still has bitter feelings toward Bambi after working as his stunt double

8) Accused Yukon Cornelius of "naughty touch"

7) Has a restraining order against King Moonracer

6) Even more bitter than the Cavemen after losing out to a gecko for that car insurance advert

5) Frequently "dive bombs" Superman's Fortress of Solitude after Mrs. Claus' infamous taco night

4) Had nosed fixed in expensive rhinoplasty after Yukon Cornelius settlement

3) Shot at from a helicopter by Sarah Palin

2) Considers Mrs. Claus his bff.  Santa?  Not so much.

1) Still won't let Hermey touch his teeth

Enjoy the big show tonight, kids.

Backfield in Motion

You'll probably want to go ahead and set up your Swivel Search for this now. If you hadn't heard, Keyshawn Johnson is getting his own tv show.

Who, you may be asking, the hell is Keyshawn Johnson?

He's a current talking head on ESPN after having been a wide receiver in the NFL for 11 years. He played for the Jets, Cowboys, Buccaneers and Panthers if you care for some reason. He was kind of famous for a while for yelling at another player on the sideline of a game. I think he may also have invented the Plantar Fasciitis injury. He eventually pissed off his coach so much (Jon Gruden aka Chuckie) that Gruden made him inactive for the last 8 games of the season to teach him a lesson. Obviously one that didn't take.

Anyway the show is called Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design. Yup, Keyshawn is going to get a tv show about interior design. It'll be on A&E with that lot of home improvement shows. I don't watch as I don't crave depression.

You may be asking, why what are Keyshawn's qualifications as an interior designer? Well he did attend USC and got a degree in history in 1996 (if you believe TV Guide anyway). And he has stayed in "some of the best hotels in the world" and read some architecture books. So that probably makes him as qualified to do interior design as it does to announce for ESPN.

Anyhoo, before we adopted the tactic of excessive punctuation for tv show titles (you know, like Denise Richards: It's Complicated or Nip/Tuck), here was the short list of show titles for Keyshawn:

• Tschotckeyshawns
• Inferior Lineman
• Tackling Chapter 7
• Trojan House Design
• Footballers to the Wall
• A Buccaneer in my Buckin' Home
• Referee Shui
• Decorate Man Line
• Football Fantasy Retreat
• Design With Your Inner Johnson

I'm sure Keyshawn will bring many bold ideas to home design. Things like excessive use of decorative pom poms, urinals, that locker room smell and Personal Seat Licenses for your couch. Oops, I think Danny Snyder just stole that idea to make me watch Redskins games at home.

If you have any other ideas for Keyshawn's new show, pass them along to him directly. I'm sure they'll appreciate all the feedback.

Rudy in the Sky With Santa

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Tuesday) at 8 pm (check local listings) on CBS. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is even older than me! And I'm too exhausted from throwing away all the detritus in my life to come up with an entirely new post.

Play along at home with your favorite beverage. When Rudolph's nose lights up, take a sip. Rudolph lights up and you're getting lit. You're going to hate seeing that damn Bumble again in the third act. I've seen this show a kajillion times and can actually recite most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching it with me). So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complex subplots and leitmotifs contained within the show. Don't let Rankin and Bass fool you, they're working on a whole other level here.

Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the unending struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?


• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?


• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern co-educational school system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is still ostracized by the other adolescent reindeer because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Note the prevalence of homo-erotic undertones throughout the reindeer games.


• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the drama. Is Yukon's non-use of his gun an indictment of the War in Iraq?


• The elves' working condictions are representative of the outsourcing of labor outside of the United States. Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?


• All the elf women are identical. Is this an early indictment of cloning and stem cell research?


• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?


• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?


• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?


• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?


• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?


• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?


• The worst snowstorm ever is clearly an indictment of global warming. Are reindeer a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?


• Yukon Cornelius' quest for silver and/or gold represents man's exploitation and destruction of the environment. Does his failure in his search for depletable mineral resources represent man's losing battle with the environment or merely the resiliancy of the human spirit?


• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left and Hermey and Yukon were left in bed together?


• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Evidence of this is when he pulls the Bumble's teeth to allow for greater oral gratification. Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?


• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?


• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?


• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?


• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at societal injustice and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up because that makes the intellectual discussions even better.

Parrot Trooper

I've been using some swell business collaboration software to work on the sitcom pilot with my writing partner/lover. Remember according to Claudia Johnson & Matt Stevens screenplays are like sperm -- there's a one in a million chance they'll get made. (And I thought it was because most drafts leave a bad taste in your mouth).

We've got a 13 episode deal with ABC to replace that Caveman show when it gets cancelled next week. Oops, that's a secret. Keep it to yourselves. We were going to go with something about a lizard, but the lawyers wouldn't let us. I was hoping for an HBO deal so we could show some boobies to make up for the lack of character development but no such luck.

The star of the show is Bob, a talking parrot. Think Sabrina the Teenage Witch with that cgi talking cat meets Knight Rider meets Mr. Ed. Bob is the brains of the operation and I'm the lucky-as-hell doof who owns him. Thanks to Bob's super genius, every bad idea I have turns into a great situation where I wind up with bucks in the bank and a hot brunette on my arm.

My wacky neighbor is Muggsy Bogues the shortest NBA player to ever dunk a ball. He'll actually be called Muggsy just like they always had to do with Tony Danza's characters in any show. Muggsy and I will have lots of wacky adventures involving working in a chocolate factory, making vitamin commercials and running a bed and breakfast for a sick friend. We'll initially meet Muggsy where we can just see the top of his head over my backyard fence while he dunks a basketball. When everyone thinks it's going to be a rip off of Wilson, but then we'll just show him later and act like nothing happened.

My slowly being driven crazy neighbor is Tony Soprano James Gandolfini (he really needed the work) who plays Ralph. Ralph is the only other person who knows Bob can talk. Ralph keeps trying to expose me as a fraud and lucky idiot. Think Mrs. Kravitz meets Mr. Roper.

In the pilot episode, Bob discovers the internet but lets Al Gore and me take credit for it as long as I water-ski jump over a shark, I play some golf with Muggsy, Ralph inadvertently gets signed up for AOL and can't cancel his service, the Miss Teen USA bus breaks down in front of my house and Miss South Carolina makes an unexpected drop in cameo and we wind up playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.

Stay tuned because we have evil twins, mistaken identities, lies that compound themselves into further complications, secret identities, very special episodes with a moral, Bob dialing a phone with a pencil in his mouth, good twins, sleepwalking, dance contests, more shark jumping, cute kids who have all the punch lines and act way too adult, catchy catch phrases, lots of product placements, and washed up guest stars from 80's television shows. In short, it's sure to be a hit.

I wish I were making this up.

The Kids Are Alright

I've not written about Kid Nation until now because I'm still a bit on the fence.

First, Hollywood was all against it. That made me like it straight away. Hollywood doesn't like reality programming because the writers don't care for a tv genre that's making them obsolete.

Second, I'm generally in favor of any show that starts with the premise of stranding 40 kids in the Middle Of Nowhere, New Mexico. I wanted a consult though because I've been keeping a list for some kids in my neighborhood who they should have taken. Come back to us Uncle Shelby.

Third, when parents are up in a hizzy about what happened to their wannabe actor/children/mealtickets, you've got to like that as well.

I'm still holding out hopes that some one's head is going to wind up on a stake. Hope I didn't ruin anything for anyone there.

But the show really doesn't have that much action. Sure they manufacture conflict just like every show. There are wacky challenges that make the kids do crazy stunts. Is every reality show just a bigger version of Super Sloppy Double Dare?

And it's not really reality. Reality is reality. TV isn't reality by any stretch of the imagination. The big kids pick on the littler kids. Anyone with an older sibling could have predicted that. They have a cash award each show that everyone sucks up to win. Who saw sucking up coming? Some kids are lazy. Some kids seem very mature.

They claim there are no adults. Unless you count that lame host who keeps ringing bells and handing out instructions and tasks. Don't hassle me, man! And you know there are about a zillion adults in the form of PA's and Cameramen and Medical Staff and Craft Services and a phalanx of attorneys. So there's very little chance that a true kid riot and insurrection will break out. They've got at least a skeleton of a town with bathrooms and a kitchen and the like. It's not like their going to be called upon to do any power supply repair.

But I'm hoping for something like the final parade scene in Animal House or the ESPN Y2K test commercial.

So I'll probably just get a Season Pass for this until Celebrity Medical Exams or Parrot Trooper comes on. After that it'll just slowly expire in my to do list....

Throwing My Beret In the Mix

If you haven't heard, some crazy cat broke into Mary Tyler Moore's house in Minneapolis, MN over the weekend.

Okay, it wasn't really Mary's house, but it was the house that was always used for the exterior shot during the credits on her old show.

Police found the 24 year old man asleep with the television on. No word on whether he was watching Nick at Night.

I'll bet Lou Grant would have kicked his ass if he'd have found the scofflaw in Mary's bedroom.

Now if you've been reading this site for more than five minutes, you know I wouldn't go this far without a goofy list. Thanks for playing along kids.

Here are the reasons the burglar broke into Mary's house:

• Didn't break in, Phyllis let him in
• Was invited to one of Mary's great parties
• Wanted to see if she could actually turn the world on with her smile
• His beret landed on the roof
• Photo trip gone awry
• Just trying to sublet 119 N. Weatherly
• Met Rhoda at a bar
• Heard that love was all around (track 15)
• Bad directions from Ted

I can't help it. The phrase "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants" still makes me smile to this day.

Man, I miss Chuckles the Clown.

Oh, Rudy You're So Fine

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tonight (Friday) at 8 pm (check local listings) on CBS. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is even older than me! And while I've written on this topic before, it bears repeating. And I'm too lame to come up with an entirely new set of questions but there is some new stuff.

Make sure to play along at home with your favorite beverage. When Rudolph's nose lights up, take a sip. Rudolph lights up and you're getting lit. You're going to hate seeing that damn Bumble again in the third act.

I've seen this show a kajillion times and can actually recite most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching it with me). So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complex subplots and leitmotifs contained within the show. Don't let Rankin and Bass fool you, they're working on a whole other level here.

Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the unending struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?


• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?


• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern co-educational school system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is still ostracized by the other adolescent reindeer because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Note the prevalence of homo-erotic undertones throughout the reindeer games.


• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the drama. Is Yukon's non-use of his gun an indictment of the War in Iraq?


• The elves' working condictions are representative of the outsourcing of labor outside of the United States. Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits? All the elf women are identical. Is this an early indictment of cloning and stem cell research?


• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?


• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?


• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?


• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?


• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?


• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?


• The worst snowstorm ever is clearly an indictment of global warming. Are reindeer a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?


• Yukon Cornelius' quest for silver and/or gold represents man's exploitation and destruction of the environment. Does his failure in his search for depletable mineral resources represent man's losing battle with the environment or merely the resiliancy of the human spirit?

• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left and Hermey and Yukon were left in bed together?


• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Evidence of this is when he pulls the Bumble's teeth to allow for greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?


• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?

• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?

• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
  

• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at societal injustice and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up because that makes the intellectual discussions even better.