Little GTO

Here's a headline I didn't think I'd see today:

Mayo Clinic Hospital Surgeon Takes Photo of Patient's Penis During Surgical Procedure

Dr. Adam Hansen took a picture of strip club owner Sean Dubowik's penis during a gall bladder operations. It seems that seeing the words Hot Rod tattooed on Dubo's ding dong was too much to resist. Apparently, Hot Rod Sean got the tattoo as part of a $1000 bet. Classy.

How much would it take for someone to shove needles into your penis? Let's just say it's probably more than $1000. And I've have gone with something clever like:

• Insert Tab A Into Slot B
• A lightning bolt
• Monica Was Here
• Don't Tread on Me
• This End Very Up
• Yes, I'll Respect You Even More
• Don't Pull on My Hips, I Know What I'm Doing.

But the quote of the story has to be:

"I feel violated, betrayed and disgusted," Dubowik said."

And I think we all know how much it must take to get a strip club owner to feel disgusted.

Now I'm not going to defend Dr. Hansen for taking a patient pee pee picture. That's preposterous. But if you've got a tattoo on your penis that says Hot Rod, you might not get up on your moral high horse in indignation. In fact, I'm willing to bet another $1000 that Sean has used the line, "Want to go for a ride on my hot rod?" on more than one occasion.

It's not a privacy issue though. There could be tons of people with penis tattoos that say Hot Rod out there.

Actually, it doesn't say Hot Rod. It says How Do You Like Alex Rodriguez Now Madonna? But, you know, he was sedated at the time.

And if these kind of shenanigans and hi jinx are going on at the Mayo Clinic, what do you think happens at the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College where you have to go because of your crummy health insurance?

Just remember when you get a tattoo on your hoohah, it might wind up on the interwebs.

So start practicing on your indignation, violation, betrayal and disgust looks in the mirror. Because you know this is going to result in a great big lawsuit.

And while I'm sure there's nothing that could be done to compensate my client, I do know that the only method you have to make him whole is to give him 4.6 million dollars in compensatory damages. Bless you, Cirroc.

Ricky Don't Lose That Number

True Work Adventures

Me: *answering phone*


Wife: (in husky voice) What are you wearing?


Me: You know you're on speaker phone.


Wife: Dammit.


Eavesdropping Kubemates: *laughter*

A Horse With No Name

In Hawaii, you can't take a horse into a hospital no matter how much it might cheer up the patients. So says The Man who made sure Lani Yukimura was escorted out of the hospital with his equine acquaintance.

The best thing is, Lani and his stallion made it up to the third floor on the elevator before he was "greeted" by security.

Why does a horse take the elevator? Because he can't use the stairs. And you just know that Wildfire was playing on the elevator muzak during the ride.

How cool would it have been for the elevator doors to open and the horse to take off like he's busting out of the gates at the Kentucky Derby? Do you think when Lani & Mr. Ed were walking him through the hospital anyone yelled, "And down the stretch they come." If he didn't bring Mint Juleps and a big hat, Lani really missed out.

Despite Lani's out of the box attempt to cheer up his relative as it was the wrong horse. Well you can't look a visiting horse in the mouth. Unless you're an ear, nose or throat specialist.

Surprisingly, the most important fact of the story is completely absent. What's the horse's name? So with a great deal of investigative journalism, this reporter (man, I love doing that) tracked down witness to the hospital visitation and made up the following:

• Transplant
• The Cafeteria Special
• Man 'o Waardenburg Syndrome
• Mr. Oedipal (Wilcox Memorial must have a psych ward)
• A Horse With No Pain
• Sea Section
• Seattle Slain
• Barbariatric
• Smarty Bones
• Mane-onucleosis
• Hoof and Morphine
• Tachypnea Tail
• Horse's Asperger Syndrome
• Reagent Riding
• Saddle Somnoplasty
• Ole Bursitis Bridle
• Bit Defect
• Horse Floppy Flu
• Sciatica Schlage

Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Pranksgiving

So as I was using my ninja tongue-fu skills to navigate the crowded aisles of my local grocery store, I couldn't help but notice this recipe.


Bacon-wrapped turkey? Sign me up, pardner. I was planning on draining my checking account to spring for a turducken, but this sounds even better. Almost as good as bacon-flavored toothpaste.


I'm pretty excited about the upcoming traditional pranks:

• Zip a turkey neck in your fly while you greet guests at the door and pretend your hooha is on display. Bonus points if you're female.
• Sneak a hard boiled egg inside a the Cornish game hen inside the turkey to freak out the right-to-lifers at your table.
• Slip an open can of cream of mushroom soup before making retching sounds after the meal. Make sure you moan something about "too much pie" before leaning over and spilling it on the floor. Extra points if you can get a co-conspirator to grab a spoon and start lapping it up ala The Great Santini.
• Set the TIVO up to play the finale of the 1980 Detroit Lions v. Chicago Bears Thanksgiving Day game instead of the real game. When the Lions allow the overtime opening kickoff to be returned for a touchdown see how many men actually cry. At least a 21 second overtime loss didn't allow the food to get cold.
• Lock the doors when everyone goes outside to throw the football around at half time.
• Place the bird on the table and loudly announce that no one will be able to tell this is Tofurkey.
• Duct tape Uncle Earl in his chair when he falls asleep during the game. Bonus points for putting the bottle of JD just out of reach.
• Make a big deal out of insisting you be allowed to do the dishes after the meal. While everyone is out of the kitchen, just leave.
• Make the youngest sibling (even if he's 42 and has kids) sit at a card table with the other children.
• Carefully extend your pinky when you drink gravy from a glass.
• No matter who prepared the meal grouse about it's not as good as Mom's. This is especially amusing if Mom actually prepared the meal.
• Loosen your belt as soon as you sit down at the table.
• Two words: whoopee cushions
• Insist on being allowed to carve the turkey. Grab the largest knife and go after it like Janet Leigh is in the shower. Swear that's how turkey is served in all the fancy restaurants.
• During the meal, loudly ask if you can go to the bathroom. Then say, "Oops, too late." Bonus points for wearing an eye patch.

What's In a Name

If I told you Mike Hunt loved women's basketball would you believe me? Well, it's true. Mike Hunt (and his wife) donated $200,000 to the Western Kentucky Lady Hill Toppers basketball team.

I can guarantee several things.

1) The Lady Hill Toppers' additional scholarships will be put to good use.
2) Mike and his wife Belle Hunt are very generous.
3) Mike learned how to fight when he was a kid.

Because this is a challenge donation, other people can donate. Here's some other swell benefactors:

• Fonda Clams
• Richard Smoker
• Patrick Fitzmichael
• Michael Fitzpatrick
• Wilma Fingerdoo
• Velma Lamba (and her kids Ding & Dong)
• Stu Pedasso
• Ophelia Pratt
• Heywood Jablowme
• Seymour Butts
• Dick Peters
• Sharon Krabbes
• Fire Glass
• Peter Stroker
• Mr. Bader
• Harry Balczak
• Phil McCracken
• Ivana Veener
• Lord Wellington Pissypants
• Dirk Hertz
• Willie Pfisterbottom
• B.J. Hunter
• Woody Spanker
• Peter Wonker
• Tom Ollie
• Rod Turgid

Yes, I know I'm an infant. But if you ever heard a 70 year old law professor ask timidly if Dick Hertz was in class, you'd know how funny this stuff really is.

The Bear Necessities

At our Public Liberry they have a display of books on bears. Yes, this is the same public liberry that has to put a sign that says Books Only on the garbage can.

Presumably only literate folk would go to the liberry. But while they're smart enough to read, they're dumb enough to try to return books by putting them in the garbage can instead of the return slot.

Anyways, I improved the bear book display a bit. If by "improve" you mean sneaking books on wild game cooking onto the display. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right. I wonder how long it will take the garbage book folks to realize there are cookbooks in the bear display?

Yes, I was very careful to make sure the wild game cookbooks were right next to the books on Pandas. Because whenever I see a Panda Express at the mall, I always ask very loudly if the panda is fresh. Kung Pao Panda is still my favorite.

There's No Place Like Gnome

If you, like the Simpsons, live in Springfield, Oregon and seem to have misplaced your garden gnome, you might be able to pick it up at the local police department.

Someone took 75 lawn ornaments and carefully placed them around one house. Now the wayward eyesores decorations are at the police station and ready to be identified by their owners. I've never done something that elaborate, but I will confess to making those Dutch Kids 69.

Quote of the story: "Every time I leave my office they're sitting in my chair, working on my computer," Capt. Richard Harrison said.

I forgot about that strong clerical work ethic in garden gnomes.

Are there such things as gnome mailboxes? Because who wouldn't like to put their mail in a gnome's ass?


No word in the story about whether they've rounded up the Leaning Cowboy, Lady Bending Over or Little Boy Peeing for questioning.


I'm not a detective, but I might dust those gnomes for prints and check them against some folks at Travelocity.

Post Halloween-itis

It was a great Halloween last night. Lots of rain so we got to hoard our candy from the lil ghouls and goblins who came a begging. Too bad no adults wanted to play Drink or Treat.

If you were playing along with Trick or Freak (trying to guess if someone is actually dressed up for Halloween or just a freak), I hope you had Freak if you drew Bethlehem High School Principal Dr. Paul Schum in the pool.

Seems the good Doctor was dressed up like a woman wearing leather with fishnet stockings and fake breasts. Oh, and he was allegedly "loitering with the intent of prostitution" in an alley.

Wow, I knew school district budgets were tight, but I had no idea they were slashed this much. That's why I always give money to those cheerleader car washes.

Halloweenie

I'm so excited it's finally here. And it's supposed to rain here in the midwest (check local listings). That means we'll get to keep all that sweet holiday candy when fewer urchins darling children don't show up tonight.

My costume? It's pretty sweet.

I've got a mannequin in an orange vest strapped to the front of my pick up truck and a canvas tent in the back. Then I'm just going to drive around in this get up all day. Oh, and I plan on throwing jerky when I drive by some schools.

That ought to give those hunters something to think about when gun season opens in a couple of weeks.

Alternatively, you can just wear clothes for the opposite sex and look really confused when people ask you if it's a costume. I always like to play a little game I call Freak or Treat. It's when you try to decide whether someone is actually dressed for Halloween or just actually wearing that outfit in public. You'd be surprised how hard it is to tell around here.

Cat's In The Cradle

If you and your cat are headed to Ashippun, Wisconsin, be on the look out for anyone with a disposable razor.

Kimberly Meyers had her kitty shaved on Sunday night. Use that direct link. You don't want to google a shorn kitty. You'll get some weird results. Especially if you're adult filter isn't on.

Police know who the shaver was and "plan to talk with the person responsible." Hmm, is that code for ass-beating? I know it is with the L.A. police.

There's a lot to this story we aren't being told. There are significant details simply not reported. Now, I'm not going to use the C word ("cover up"), but why aren't we being told the truth and getting to the bottom of this mystery? It's obviously the all powerful Shaving Lobby which won't rest until we're all completely bald.

There are many questions we need answered. I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this.

1) What was the cat's name? Buzz? Venus? Gillette? Remington?
2) What is the cat's breed? I'm betting it's not a Sphynx.
3) Who is this mysterious "responsible person?" Is he male or is she female? Or a SHim?
4) Why was the cat shaven? Excessive hairballs? Allergies? Clawing the Bush furniture? Hitting the cat nip too hard?
5) What's the proper way to shave a cat?
6) How does the cat look now?
7) Why are we protecting the identity of this "responsible person?" Former mafia witness? Member of the ASPCA? Convicted cat burglar? All you gots to do is say "alleged cat shaver" and you can get away with murder. Right O.J.?

And the most glaring oversight is how police found that vandals had painted "Sum Ergo Tonsumo" in red on the town hall. Any Latin scholar can tell you this translates to "I Am, Therefore I Shave."

The conspiracy is on. Watch your back kids. Trust no one. Especially anyone packing a disposable razor.

The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

TLAPD is going to rock.

First, the optometrist agreed to remove my eye so my patch fits just right.

Second, I've been doing a lot of Home improvements. The boys at Anglian really came through for me. The Crow's Nest sticking out of the chimney really looks authentic.

Third, the cannons came out much better than I expected. Because I had to cast them myself, I didn't think the reload rate would be that good. Because I used cast iron, the school bus that I'm stuck behind each morning is in serious trouble. I'm not even going to go for a shot across the port bow. I'm just going to let it have it.

Especially that little fat ass that gives me the pressed ham each morning.

Enjoy the day, swabbies!

It's Spreading

I'm not sure why it started, but it's spreading. Another man recently wrote on his wife's body.

In Witchita, Kansas, a man wrote on his wife's but-tock (pronounce that just like Forrest would) with a marker. He wrote Kilroy Was Here. Not surprisingly, liquor was involved. No word on whether he drew the little face or just wrote the slogan. Also not surprising, when she woke up, she wasn't amused and proceeded to kick his ass.

They then started to scrap, the cops were called and he wound up tasered. A valuable lesson there kids. Don't write on your sleeping mate. It may seem funny at the time, but it won't be when they wake up.

I don't get what's changed in the world that's this is happening all of a sudden.

That being said, I still think if I was going to write something on a sleeping body, it'd be either the quintessential No Pepper or I need cubs tickets.

You know, go with a baseball classic as we're coming up on the All Star Game next week.