Always Be Closing

#3 On Closing the Transaction

This one isn’t rocket science either. Love is all around. Don’t waste it. When you’ve got a chance, take it. Wait, that may be from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Pick up your beret already and let’s move on.

The point is, when you’ve got a chance to score a date, go for it. This is the new millennium. Women are now allowed to bear the fear of rejection just like men have been doing for years (with the exception of Sadie Hawkin’s Dances). Then we're really flattered and as giggly as can be when two women fight over us. That's happened exactly once in the recorded history of Earth.

Yes, women are now allowed to ask men:

• to dance
• to go out to eat
• to hang out
• to neck
• to go to a movie
• to get a cocktail

There are no rules anymore. It’s chaos. Cats and dogs are living together. Get your head around it, baby. Chicks, you’re our equals now. Yes, we’re just as confused as you are. No, we don’t have any answers either.

Troubles arise between men and women when communication is vague or unclear. She hears, “I’ll call you.” He heard himself say, “Maybe I’ll call. Some day. Perhaps at half time.” Don’t settle for that weak shit. You’re so money and you don’t even know it. You need to firm up those plans. Get a real yes, dammit. ABC. Always Be Closing.

And that’s part of the closing --make definite plans. Non-committal answers are a polite no. If he’s not willing to be pinned down, move on. If he can’t see your genius, good looks and great personality, it’s his loss. Going out with his best friend or brother is always a nice response, but don’t compromise your standards just to make a point.

The perfect non-confrontation close involves lunch. Lunch is nothing. Who doesn’t do lunch? You meet somewhere, have a meal in public and then return to your appointed toil. It’s a great excuse for a quick getaway. If things aren’t working out, you've got a meeting at 1:00. You ought to be able to score a lunch date in your sleep by now. Lunch is where you’ll be able to work your magic. As long as you don’t get spinach stuck in your teeth. Again.

And getting the lunch date is just part of the fun. You’ve still got those background checks, sexual partner referrals, Google searches, credit reports and felony conviction records to go through. So get cracking.