Friday, January 28, 2005

Performance Anxiety

Had the yearly Job Performance Review this morning with my boss. All the clients are happy, all the projects are done, but the boss isn't happy because I'm not "strategic enough." Huh?

I'm tired of living in a Dilbert cartoon. I'm waving the white flag of caring at this point.

So now I'm stuck developing something I'm calling the Strategic Assessment Tool to show that all the projects (that the clients are already happy about) are somehow more better goodly.

She's not sure exactly what she wants. I sure as hell don't know either.

I'm just doing this so at some point I can ask my boss, "Did you look at my Tool?"

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Carnac is Dead

He's responsible for launching careers. Bless you eternally for giving us David Letterman, Johnny.

He's the man who moved television from New York to L.A. and from live broadcasts to tape. It's estimated that he was responsible for 17% of NBC revenue at one point. That's star power.

He skewered all the politicians with grace: Nixon, Hart, Jerry Brown, Bush the First, Quayle. If you were in Carson's monologues for too long, your days were numbered.

Johnny's effortless wit, trademark mannerisms and brilliant one-liners made him America's friend. Everyone in America probably watched The Tonight Show at some point. I begged my parents to let me stay up and watch at least the monologue.

He's been gone from our televisions for 12 years. He'll never be gone from television and comedy history.

And the greatest tragedy of Johnny Carson's death from emphysema is that it makes you realize just how crummy a host Jay Leno is on the tonight show. Don't smoke kids.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

At Night the Ice Weasels Come

I know all the Judeo-Christian belief systems always envision Hell as being hot and flaming. I think they've got it completely wrong. If you want to scare the flock (who can't think for themselves) into acting pious, Hell should be cold, icy and as craptacular as the weather in Michigan.

We had a year's worth of Hell last weekend. Winter Storm with a Blowing Snow Advisory means that it's going to snow horizontally. If the earth wasn't curved, you wouldn't get any accumulation at all.

The drifts are monstrous. If you go in a ditch, they'll find you in the Spring when it finally thaws.

And there are tracks through the snow. They hop and skip and jump and cavort. Some think they're squirrels. But they're wrong. I know they are the Ice Weasels. You don't want to be floundering in a drift when the Ice Weasels come.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Do Your Duty -- Volunteer Now!

A professor in Canada is doing a research study to determine why women flash their breasts. I swear I'm not making this up. The research will be released at the World Congress of Sexology in July in Montreal. Make your travel plans now.

Mary Valentich from the University of Calgary's Faculty of Social Work is looking for women flashers during parades in Calgary when the Flames went to the Stanley Cup Final. As the National Hockey League is on an indefinite hiatus this year, Canadian folks are obviously glum and unflashed.

Anyway, apparently Professor V. wonders, "whether the booze and party atmosphere played a role."

Hmmmm, I'm guessing yes. Just a hunch.

If I'd have known that science would have given me a chance to talk to prospective female flashers, I'd have payed a LOT more attention in class.

No word on whether Prof. V intends to seek out Tara Reid, Drew Barrymore or Courtney Love. The latter two ladies immortalized in Late Night fame for flashing David Letterman during the show.

Now I know what Thomas Dolby was singing about in "She Blinded Me with Science."

Monday, January 17, 2005

Corp Speak at Virtucon

Hear's an example of how we write for the corporate intranet at Virtucon.

We're moving an office and explain the reason:

The new location has many benefits (enhanced people development, increased synergies, etc) and is expected to provide even better service for its worldwide clients.

Can't believe we're just going to include the business rationale for an office move as a parenthetical comment. Guess the reader can fill in the rest with whatever they'd like to characterize as a benefit in that "etc."

I think we're starting to doubt our own press.

The Iceman Cometh

This is my second post about our crappy weather in Michigan. Original intent was to discuss working in Public Affairs at Virtucon. Thus the title Flack & Proud. If you've seen The Committments you may recognize the reference.

So it's 1 freaking degree on my drive into Virtucon this morning. That's -17C for our metric friends playing along at home out there. Tapping on the dashboard did nothing to make it any warmer either.

My brother said that he can't believe I still live in the cold. Of course now he's replacing his roof after the old one blew away in the storms in California. Maybe Mr. Helper will keep his piehole shut now.

It's only going to be in the teens all week here. A good excuse to stay indoors and watch playoff football.

Return of the Giant Snow Penis

Response to the story about the Giant Snow Penis was phenomenal. By that, I mean some cranks wrote in complaining about it.

The only thing better than small town newspapers is the freaks who write letters to small town newspapers.

Best Quote: May God damn this newspaper for running the photo of the snow penis online.

I'm guessing that they ran the picture of the giant snow penis online and didn't have the balls (sorry, I'm shameless) to run it in the regular paper. And that's a shame because it would have doubled circulation. Plus, Police Whack Snow Penis was genius.

Now I'm certainly no theologian, but I think God has to have a sense of humor because of the platypus and the Cubs. And I think he'd get a chuckle or two out of a gigantic snow penis. After all, he made it snow, right?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Gravity is a Harsh Mistress

I fell on Sunday. I mean, I really fell.

Bought a paper and headed outside to the sidewalk, hit a patch of ice and completely sprawled. We're talking "Man Down." It had everthing but a tipped over walker and someone yelling, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

Quickly looking around to see if anyone noticed my clumsiness, I limped to my car and drove away.

Went to the doctor yesterday and she said nothing seemed too out of whack. "Yup, that's a sprained leg all right." She did prescribe muscle relaxers seemingly powerful enough to drop a horse into a coma. Good times. I swear I woke up in exactly the same position I fell asleep.

Now I'm forced to walk around like Festus from Gunsmoke.

Hope I'm on the mend soon. Glad I joined the gym and now and an official medical reason to blow off working out.

Monday, January 10, 2005

More Great Headlines

Some people just can't take a joke.

In Kansas, the Johnson County Community College Newspaper printed a picture featuring two members of the women's soccer team.

No problem there, right. Well the two women were pulling up their soccer jerseys and showing off their sports bras ala Brandy Chastain. Oh, and the sports bras were sporting the saying "Big Johnson Soccer." And the caption to the picture said there were four good reasons to support the team.

The headline: Goals Gone Wild

Nicely done. Nicely done, indeed. Here's the link to the story and the pix of the players. Dang Add Image is acting snafu again so no flash pix for you here kids. But I'm sure that's the most popular edition of the college paper ever.