Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Pranksgiving aka Turkey Hijinx

I realize that it's too late to pull these off for Thanksgiving. Thus, trot these out for Xmas.

#1) Take the neck of the turkey and insert it into your fly. Answer the door with it hanging out of your pants. Do not mention the "exposure" to anyone. Act as if it's completely natural.

#2) Cook a cornish game hen the day before dinner. Insert it into the turkey prior to cooking. When the turkey is done, remove the hen and loudly proclaim, "We must have gotten a pregnant bird." This really freaks out the pro-lifers. Eventually explain to them that turkeys lay eggs. Dummies.

#3) Post a sign at work (anonymously of course) that promises free turkeys to anyone who shows their badge or business card at a local grocery store. Explain that it's a "Your Business" Customer Appreciation Event. Just go talk to the manager and request your free turkey. Yes, you will have people you work with who are gullible enough to fall for this.

Have fun kids!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Rudi in the Sky with Santa

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 pm on CBS. Check your local listings kids. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

And it's that great/crappy claymation that you love. And it's a great drinking game to take a sip everytime Rudolph's nose lights up. We used to play in law school and called it, "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic. Don't get me started about showing Xmas specials before it's even December.

Now because I've seen this show so many times (and can actually do most of the dialogue), I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the constant struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.
  • Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
  • The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
  • Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the reindeer practice.
  • Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the movie.
  • Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
  • All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning?
  • Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
  • Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
  • King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
  • What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?
  • Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?
  • Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
  • The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
  • When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumbles crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
  • This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
  • Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
  • Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
  • Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
  • Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Mooch is Free

It's being reported that Detroit Lion head coach Steve Mariucci (aka Mooch) is being fired today. The press conference is scheduled for 4:00 pm EST.

I'm of the opinion that Mooch should have to stay here and suffer with the rest of us.

If you're not that familiar with "Lion style" football, note the following salient facts:
  • won 1 playoff game since 1957
  • before he joined the Lions, Mooch was 60-43 in 6 years as the head coach of the 49ers
  • after he joined the Lions, Mooch was 15-28
  • since team President Matt Millen joined the organization, the Lions are an NFL worst 20-55 (this record earned Millen a 5 year contract extension earlier this year)

Yep, Steve, you sure got dumb once you moved back to Michigan. I just feel sorry for whatever poor sucker gets this job next. That'll probably be head coach Dick Jauron the current defensive coordinator. Oh, and he was the former head coach of the Chicago Bears and stunk when he coached there (record of 35-46). Somehow that seems fitting for the Lions.

The Lions really are one of the shittiest franchises in professional sports.

Thanks for the Giving

It's official. Assbag (aka T.O.) isn't going to play the rest of the year after the arbitrator upheld the Eagles actions concerning their wayward wide receiver. So TO sits for the remainder of the year. Man, I'm thankful we won't have to hear TO run his jib anymore.

And Gene Upshaw, nice move dismissing arbitrator Richard Bloch (who made the decision in the TO hearing) from the pool of NFLPA arbitrators. Classy. Yup in true sour grapes fashion after losing the case, the players union won't let Bloch rule on any more matters. I'm thankful I don't work for Gene Upshaw who fires anyone who rules against him.

I'm also thankful that Nick Lachey is a free man. Yes, the stars of Newlyweds, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially separated. It just proves that a man will eventually tire of a stupid woman no matter how big her boobs are. I confess to watching Newlyweds and thinking that Nick was a saint to put up with that bubblehead. And you know its serious because the split was made in a joint statement by their publicists. Ah, true love. No word on the rumors that the split was over an argument about Jessica attending medical school. I can't wait to start selling my "Nick is Free" t-shirts online.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Quote of the Week aka It Ain't All About the Bread

It's a doozy this week. If you haven't heard, the Detroit Lions have filed a grievance against their receiver Charles Rogers seeking the return of some 10 million dollars of his 14 million dollar signing bonus because of his recently failed drug test. Got that? They gave him 14 extra large when they drafted him and now they want some of it back because Charles likes the chronic more than practice. But then who doesn't.

I especially like that they hold Charles responsible for his conduct off the field. Yet the people who brought Charles to Detroit (and I'm talking to you Matt Millen) somehow aren't responsible for the outcome of their decision. Hmmm, interesting how that works.

When asked how he could play hard for a team that was trying to take back 10 million dollars, Charles replied with this little gem:

"Because this is football, man. This is the game you love, man. We was playing this game for free when we was born. It ain't all about the bread, you know?"

Just remember that as you go shopping this holiday season, kids. It ain't all about the bread, indeed, Charles.

Make sure to root for the lowly Lions against those godless heathens the Falcons in the Turkey Day Bowl. And don't forget to root against TO in the arbitration hearing. The results are due today.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Shameless Corporate Shilling (Updated)

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love corporate shilling. I get such joy from reading some flack's copy that is utter bullshit and that doesn't even pass the straight face test. I don't know why I'm wired that way, but I find this crap hi-fucking-larious.

If you used to live in Clark, Texas, now you live in DISH, Texas. Yes, wily corporate weasels are rubbing their hands together over this coup.

Rejected names for Dish, TX included:
  • You'll have to buy another receiver if you want two shows, TX
  • More porn than you can possibly consume, TX
  • Damn that's a big saucer, TX
  • Nothing good is on, TX
  • Reality shows still suck, TX

This idea might catch on. What if other companies sponsored other cities?

  • Love Canal, renamed Trojan, NY
  • Salt Lake City renamed Budweiser, UT
  • Kansas City renamed Chili's Babyback Ribs, MO
  • New York City renamed Kevlar Jacket, NY

Maybe you can think of others kids? I've been laying off the creativity juice lately so I'm not hitting on all cylinders in the craziness department lately.

UPDATED 11/23: Per Kris's request, here add my add on's for our nation's capitol: (yes it really is that slow at work today)

DC would probably have to be auctioned off to the highest bidder:

  • Chico's Bail Bonds, DC (for those pesky indictments)
  • Pinkerton, DC (for all your special investigatory needs)
  • Charles Schwab, DC (because we know Senators have all the best stock tips)
  • Hustler, DC (we know how you pick your interns)
  • eBay, DC (because everyone is for sale)
  • Sprint, DC (because you need anytime minutes when all you do is talk)
  • Ogilvy & Mather, DC (because it's all about the spin)
  • Kodak, DC (for all those photo ops)
  • Michelin, DC (we never leak)
  • Federal Express, DC (when the bribe absolutely, positively has to be there overnight)
  • The National Guard, DC (all the photo ops, none of the danger)
  • Crack, DC (good enough for Marion, good enough for you)

Monday, November 21, 2005

I'm a Victim I tell ya

It's not my fault. I'm a victim of my heritage.

I'm using this excuse the next St. Patrick's Party I go to.
I do know a 100% Irishman who doesn't drink at all. I secretly think that's why they kicked him out of Ireland and forced him to do IT work here in the States.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Quote of the Week

It's my favorite subject, the assbaggery of TO and his slimy agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

"He's [Rosenhaus] a rat that belongs in the gutter. I can smell him a mile away. That guy doesn't care about Terrell. He's recruiting for next year's player."

--Cowboys wide receiver, Keyshawn Johnson in his weekly NFL Sirius Radio Show

Here's hoping that TO loses his grievance hearing today.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Ralph & Jesse: Together Again

Despite all of TO's continued assbaggery, some new shitheads have weighed in on the issue. Both Ralph Nader and Jesse Jackson have issued statements against the Eagles decision to not play TO the remainder of the year.

It's good to see that we've cured cancer, eliminated racism and made all products safe so that we can focus on this truly important issue to all mankind.

And if you're in Philadelphia, PA today (Friday 11/18) and near the airport, please drop by the Marriott hotel where they'll be holding TO's grievance hearing. Look for either TO, Jesse or tv cameras because they're always together.

I hereby promise that if anyone who reads this blog drops by the hearing and disrupts it with cries of "ASSBAG," I'll personally send $100. Of course, I'll need a little verification of the shenanigan, but I'm betting anyone yelling ASSBAG at TO will make the news.

Observations From Abroad

Your trusty correspondent has returned from his adventure in the Third World. And while I've been a complete slack ass (in that it took over 2 weeks to get this posted), I'll try to keep this recap short. Because reading about someone's trip to someplace you've never been and probably aren't going to go is even worse than looking at their slides from that trip. Online pictures, strangely, are okay. But man, I remember after a dinner when people would get out the old slide projector, turn off the lights and match you watch slides. It could have been worse, it could have been PowerPoint presentations. Anyway....

Here are the observations from the big excursion:

1) If you decide you have to go to China, don't just go to the airport to buy tickets. There's a whole online world out there that you can use to plan your trip. And when you find out, amazingly, that all six of you can't go to China at the drop of a hat, don't flip a coin because the people behind you don't think you're being whimsical, they think you're being assholes. And if someone wants to send you through Europe to send you to China and tells you it'll take 30 hours, you're getting fucked, but you're too stupid to know it. China is to the West of the US, schmucko.

2) Don't tuck your red corduroy pants into your cowboy boots. Trust me, it's not a good look.

3) Children should never be allowed on an airplane much less in first class. And why are you bringing your urchins on vacation? Leave them with the grandparents so we can all enjoy some peace and quiet.

4) Getting your trophy wife pregnant is bad form. It's bad enough she's trying to do the whole Brittany thing while she's knocked up, but if you have a two year old, a one year old and she's knocked up, we get it already. We're sorry your first wife was so emasculating and that now you have to compensate for it. But as Groucho Marx said, "I love a good cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

5) Seats on an airplane are numbered from one to infinity depending on how big the plane is. If you're in the 30th row, and you get on the plane, then immediately look at your ticket, we know you're an idiot.

6) Memphis rocks. There are even better bands in the alleys of Beale Street than in your whole town.

7) The Jamaican people are the happiest people in the world. Even happier than Canadians when they drink and watch Hockey Night in Canada. I've never, ever, seen a maid sing while doing her job in any other country.

8) Jamaican funerals are freaky. They walk from the church to the burial site because the living are supposed to go before the deceased. Which kind of makes sense, because that guy isn't going to be any help getting a hole dug. And when 200 people are walking on the road toward you, you shouldn't lean out the bus to take picutres of "the parade" because when you finally see the hearse (including a guy riding on top), you look like an ugly American. I'm very glad this wasn't me.

9) Jerk chicken and Red Stripe are the best food combination ever. And can be lived on forever apparently. You'll never get tired of it.

10) Fishing with dynamite is bad for your coral reefs. Just a little tip kids.

11) When you return home, you'll see lots of jerks but not so many jerk chicken shacks.

12) Northwest Airlines is very helpful about booking you on another flight when they cancel the one that would have gotten you home. They do expect you to sleep in the airport though. Tough luck, bud. Okay, so this one really isn't an observation from abroad; it's just an observation.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

If Theo Isn't Happy

I'm kind of worried about this. While I was abroad, Theo Epstein quit his job as General Manager of the Red Sox.

Theo was a life long Sox fan, got to be the youngest GM in the history of baseball and the youngest GM to ever assemble a World Series champion. Can you really fathom being a lifelong fan and then getting to run the organization you love? All the times you watched some sporting team, complained about how the fucker in charge couldn't find their ass with two hands, then you got handed the reins. You got to call the shots and make all the decisions. And you were succesful.

Then you walk away from it all.

Ow, this may be hitting me harder than the Jen/Brad break up. If Theo isn't happy at work, what chance does any of us have? Ouch.

That being said, I still don't think I could do any worse a job with the Lions than Matt Millen.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Quote of the Week

I haven't done this in a while (because I'm a slack ass), but this one is good.

Drew Rosenhaus, TO's shitbag agent had a press conference where he basically answered none of the questions. He just kept saying, "Next question" and refused to answer any questions.

No, Drew isn't our quote of the week. It's one of the reporters:

"Drew! Drew! What have you done for him [TO], other than to get him kicked off the team?''
-- An unidentified reporter

It may come as no surprise that this ended the conference. And while I wish I knew who asked it, my hat is off to you, intrepid, smart-ass reporter.

Lost on Appeal

A 24 year old woman in Norway has lost her appeal that she did not rape a man while he was asleep.

In a courtroom that was surely packed with gigglers, the man asserted that while he was asleep, the woman had performed oral sex on him without his consent. I thought it was impossible to not consent to oral sex when you're asleep. I mean that bad boy has a mind of it's own even when we men are awake. Asleep, forget about it.

And I think we all owe this man a round of applause because he obviously possesses willpower far beyond that of normal men. "Hey, hey, what's going on here? Cut that out. Stop it! I am an unwilling victim a forcible blow job. I asked you to stop that, Miss. That's it, I won't lay still for this any longer."

While there has been no decision on the length of the woman's sentence (I'll skip the obvious joke about 6 inches here), she has been offered an internship with Bill Clinton.

Thanks and goodnight, ladies and germs. Blogger audiences are the greatest audiences in the world. Remember to tip you bartenders and waitstaff. You're beautiful.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Shocked to Find Gambling in Casablanca

In the most obvious headline ever: Students Busted for Having Sex While on Field Trip.

Why? Because they can. Duh. Man, I wish I'd have thought of that in high school. Who knew you could get laid by joining the Naval ROTC?

Quote of the story: “Sex during a field trip?” says SWHS student David Ramirez. “It’s real shocking."

Yup, unsupervised high school students wanting to have sex. No mere mortal could have seen that one coming.

In their defense, because they're in the Naval ROTC, they were seamen. If I ran the military, they'd all get medals. Maybe the Blue Ball of Honor?

Okay, I'll stop it now.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Enlightened Discourse & TO

Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post writes a very enlightened and analytical article about Terrell Owens.

She claims that he's a narcissist because he can't even apologize to others without talking about himself. Someone who writes for the Harvard Business Review argues that TO can't be considered a great player because he can't get along with other and poisons team chemistry. At best, TO is technically proficient at his job of catching footballs.

Me, I'm content to short cut the analysis with the simple answer that TO is an assbag.

Man, some people think to much. But then when you've got to fill a 1000 word column, what can you do? Nice try, Sal. But he's an just an assbag.

Lesbian Cheerleader Bathroom Sex Catfight

If you haven't heard about the furor, two cheerleaders from the Carolina Panthers were arrested over the weekend for allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall at a bar in Tampa. The bar is called Banana Joes so there's a bit of irony right there. When patrons got angered that they couldn't get into the bathroom, one of the two girls hit someone. I'm guessing when they were finished. And one of the girls (who was only 20) gave a fake ID to the cops. Oops.

According to Google, this is the second most popular search request right now.

I really don't get the fascination with this story. Sure, the cheerleaders are probably attactive because they're members of the TopCats (the Panthers lame name for their cheerleading squad). But if this is the closest you can get to soft-core lesbian porn, you obviously don't know anything about cable television.

Is it the cheerleader fantasy? That's really never done it for me. Probably because at every sporting event I've ever been to, the cheerleaders just get in the way of the game I'm trying to watch. The cheerleaders don't fire up the crowd, good plays fire up the crowd.

And sex in a public restroom? Ick. Now I'm no germophobe, but what's wrong with a perfectly good car in the parking lot of the bar like God intended? These girls are messed up if they'd rather get in on on a bathroom floor.

Too bad this couldn't have happened earlier in the season, because Lesbian TopCat Cheerleaders would have made a great Halloween costume for two girls.

And Banana Joes's won't discuss the incident, but they are willing to profit from it. This weekend anyone dressed like a cheerleader gets free cover.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Who's Sorry Now?

This just in.....TO is sorry. He's apoligizing to the fans, the coach, the owner and Donovan McNabb. You know, the guy who's supposed to throw him the ball.

I'll bet he's really sorry, however, about missing out on $800,000 in salary for the 4 games he's suspended. Oh, and possibly having to fork over 1.8 million of his signing bonus. I know that would make me sorry.

I'm just glad he read his prepared statement with his weasely agent, Drew Rosenhaus, at his side. Nothing says sincerity in an apology like the warm, basking, remora-like face of your agent at your side. All is forgiven, TO. Just him the damn ball.

Strangely, the Eagles were unmoved and haven't changed their position about kicking TO off the team. Good for you, Eagles. Stick to your guns. It's probably onlya matter of time before TO is a Raider anyway.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

T.O., T.O., It's Off The Team You Go

My wife recently said, "Hey, something's up with that guy you hate." She was, of course, talking about Terrell Owens.

And yes, it's true, I hate the assbag. I hate him as only you can hate the extremely talented who piss it all away. It's no secret. And Terrell's tragic fatal flaw (no, not hubris), his mouth, has gotten him in trouble again.

Terrell was pissy that the Public Relations department of the Philadelphia Eagles didn't make a bigger deal out of his 100th career touchdown reception. Specifically, he said the Eagles organization showed a "lack of class." Mr. Kettle, a Mr. Pot on the phone for you. When informed that the Eagles never celebrated individual milestones like this, TO still couldn't seem to keep his yap shut. Instead, he went on tv and agreed that the Eagles would be undefeated if they had Brett Favre as their quarterback. Then to cap things off, he got in a fight with Hugh Douglas a former defensive end in the locker room. Hugh's playing weight was over 280 pounds, so TO probably isn't too good at math either.

Finally, the Eagles decided they were a bit tired of TO's shenanigans. They've suspended him for 4 games (that'll cost him about $800,000) and said they won't play him the rest of the year. Luckily, the NFL Players Union has filed a grievance upon TO's behalf. Whew, good thing there's someone to keep those nasty teams from taking advantage of all those millionaire players.

So let's wrap this up. What shouldn't you do if you're on a professional football team:
  • call the team "classless" (espcecially when you have no class)
  • criticize other team mates (especially the guy who is supposed to throw the ball to you)
  • start fights with ex-teammates (especially when they're much bigger than you)

Hmm, that doesn't sound too tough to me.

Immediately after the suspension, the Eagles promptly went out and lost one for the gipper. Sorry to all the Eagles season ticket holders, but you really don't want that assbag on your team.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Even Educated Fleas

As the legendary Cole Porter wrote, "Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it." Which brings us to the point that even though Ole King Cole would do anything to add 4 syllables to a line about fleas, he was talking about falling in love and not sex.

That being said, I think a verse should be added to the song now that scientists in India have discovered that even fossils do it.

So here goes:

In old Lucknow the fossils do it,
Even Jesus' apostles do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Oh, great now I'm so going to hell. Oh well, I've probably got front row seats already.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

I Can't Take It Anymore

I don't think of myself as naive. But I'm tired of being dragged kicking and screaming into reality. I'd just like to have some of my childhood memories left alone. Of course, I'm talking about Sulu coming out of the closet. Yes, I have kissed a girl and no, I don't live in my parents' basement.

Can't we just let some things be? Did anyone really want to know that Sulu was thinking about how dreamy Chekov was instead of thinking about his lines? Just leave some of my childhood intact. I didn't even really like Star Trek, but I remember getting to watch it with my oldest brother. It's about the only time I remember him not hitting me. Ah, bliss.

So Scotty's dead and Sulu is gay. Next thing you know they'll be telling me that's not Kirk's real hair? What? Can't I have at least some of my fond memories?

Just for that I'm going to emulate "evasive maneuvers" by leaning way over in my chair the rest of the day when anyone asks me for anything.