Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Year 3000

As it's nearing the end of the year, I'm not giving you some crummy re-run clip show. This is actual new content. Still not very good content, but that's not the point.

Learn from our history, kids. Or your destined to repeat it. Just like that pesky 9th grade when you discovered the joys of cutting school and smoking behind the portables.


  • Blagojevich rhymes with prison bitch.
  • Rhesus monkeys are not filled with peanut butter.
  • It's okay to stab people but not use a gun to steal football memorabilia.
  • It's okay to give money to broke financial companies but not broke car companies.
  • When your boss and project manager are laid off, do not believe the corporate messaging that all is well.
  • The Lions suck every year but some years historically so.
  • Healthy grilling does not mean that you sit in the shade with your beer and a stick.
  • People will watch anything on tv: karaoke, dancing, card playing and Howie Mandel.
  • The weather is only news when it happens on the East Coast.
  • Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
  • Dave is still funnier than Jay.
  • Dogs are the only animal that will allow you to take their manhood yet will still lick your face.
  • The Irish are a maudlin and annoying people. Even more so if they're your relatives.
  • Excessively tapping your foot in an airport bathroom is not an expression of free speech.
  • Hollywood has no ideas except for those found in comic books.
  • Coldplay steals. And still sucks.
  • Montana is mostly cows and not people.

That's it kids. I learned nothing else. Unless I forgot it.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Billy Don't Be a Hero

I thought I'd remind you all that I still live in Hicksville Central aka the Mild, Mild West.

Yesterday, as the Wife and I were headed out to engage in some public mastication involving rich, bacony goodness, we had a bit of a traffic problem.

Some yahoo in the left hand land was completely stopped. Now as such Sunday morn asshattery is not unknown to us, I simply shifted to the right lane and headed by the slowed pick up truck.

Which is when we saw the goat.

I'll type that again.

We saw a goat.

Standing in the left lane of the road. A five land road. Two on each side with a left turn lane in the middle. We're talking a major thoroughfare here, kids.

And this didn't look to be a wild mountain goat. He was wearing a blue collar and seemed well cared for. No, that's not him up there. I failed to tote the Canon Powershot this morn as I didn't anticipate a National Geographic encounter.

And as we headed to the post office to drop off some mail en route to the breaky joint, the goat followed us.

Which is when the dog in the back seat (Gman, for you faithful readers) saw the goat. And Guinness said, "Hey, let me out so I can go chase that goat." It just sounded like really loud whining to the non-dog talkers in the car. Luckily, I'm fluent in hairball.

I immediately posited the theory that the goat was actually employed by the Post Office to eat all the mail they didn't feel like delivering. Like everything between Nov. 26 until Jan. 3rd. But the Wife thought I was just crazy. Per uzh.

We then saw a cop and wondered if we should pull over and tell the cop about the goat roaming the streets. But I didn't feel like taking a field sobriety test before breakfast. We also rejected the idea of capturing the goat and making our own cheese. Stupid fascist homeowners association with their crummy no goat racism.

I like to think Billy eventually found his way home to his owner and they had the best post Xmas ever and attributed his return to an Xmas miracle wherein angels and bells ringing were involved. Or maybe some Jamaicans nabbed him and they'll be enjoying some curried goat as they ring in the New Year. In the end, each ending is happy when you think about it.

Enjoy the week, kids.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


I don't know why I find this chart so hilar. But I do.

Maybe this means Santa will bring me all those video games I asked for this Xmas.

song chart memes
more music charts

And you thought the lists were bad....

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sticky Fingers

It's almost D day, kids. Well, X day anyway. You've got just a week to come up with some Xmas loot that's going to shut those kids up for a while so you can get some peace and quiet.

Sure, you could call my toll free number at 1-900-SantaMe (only $2.95 per minute) to let your kids pretend to talk to one of Santa's helpers. And if that voice on the other end has an accent that sounds suspiciously like Chinese, don't worry. The Chinese don't celebrate Xmas, but they're really our elves. Because they make all the toys. And hardly and lead in them this year.

And while Santa Claus isn't an international phenomenon (but he has aliases like Father Christmas and Kris Kringle and Jennifer Garner), around the world, kids all want the same thing: a stick.

That's Sean Morey singing in case you didn't recognize him.

Get shopping kids!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Just Another Xmas Song

If you didn't get the chance to catch the Stephen Colbert Christmas Special on Comedy Central, you can still pick up the dvd in plenty of time for the holidays. No, I'm not secretly Stephen Colbert (as far as you know) nor do I get a dime for each disc that moves.

I just appreciate funny stuff when I see it.

You can too. This is the opening.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Present Tense

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but it's only 2 weeks until Xmas. That's right, you better have something decent for that loved one in your life. Not like last year when you bought everything at the truck stop. Sure the flowers were nice, but no one wants to get jerky for the holidays. Even if it is that swell teriyaki flavor in the one pound bag.

So here are some tips (many, many tips) for your holiday shopping.

Gift Cards: Giving these are really popular right now. Stores like them because they've got your money now and with any luck your giftee will misplace it. That's just one flaw in your cunning plan. The other? Sure, you think you're getting someone something from their favorite store. You've just given them an errand. Thanks, you shouldn't have. And even worse. You've told them exactly how much they mean to you. It's a nice round figure. Do you really want that special someone to know you value your relationship at the figure of exactly $100? Didn't think so.

Pets: It seems so romantic. You get him or her a puppy. Don't. Pet shelters get more pets in January than any other months of the year. It may sound like a good idea. But when Sparky chews up her Jimmy Choo's, do you still think she'll be happy with him? Or you?

A Donation In Your Name: The ultimate scam gift. Actually not a bad idea if you're a complete cheapskate. Just get an official looking card (and you can probably download one) and tell them you made a very generous donation. You bought goats for the entire village in their name. Thanks, I'm sure those goats are much better than getting me Rock Band 2. Don't fake adopting a kid though, because you'll eventually have to pony up some more letters and a picture. Keep it simple. No goat is going to want to be your pen pal.

Lingerie: Really a gift for you not for her. And what's the deal with lingerie? Victoria's Secret? She's a man, baby. As a complete tangent, I don't get lingerie. When did lace covering ever clinch the deal for anyone? By the time in the evening wherein I might be able to see whether or not my sex kitten-elect might be wearing lingerie, I'd made up my mind a long time ago about whether we would or wouldn't. It's not like I would all of a sudden see the cat suit and say, "Nope, I'm outta here." To put it in gift giving terms, even a really great wrap job on a pair of socks isn't going to make you glad you got a pair of socks.

Clothing: A good idea in theory. Never works out in practice. First, if you get the size wrong, she thinks you think she's fat. Unless you really want to play this up and get her a size 5 and act like that's what size you think she is. She may appreciate how deluded you are. Second, people don't buy other people what they want they buy what they want them to wear. It's why women give men blazers and men give women lingerie. Don't buy for you, buy for them. But it's probably just best to avoid the temptation to get her to wear that monogrammed football jersey and go with....

Jewelry: Yeah, I don't get it. But women love the sparkly stuff. Even if it's not huge or garish, they'll love it. But it can never be too big. Yes, that's what she said.

Good luck with the shopping kids. You're going to need it.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I'd Have Voted For This Rudy

It's tonight.  Can you feel it?  The most important television event ever.  Yup, it's Rudolph.  Per uzh.  And just because they've been showing it since 1964, don't think you can miss it.  If you do miss it, your head might explode.  It's been known to happen.  I read about in on the interwebs somewhere.  I lost the link.  Sorry.Non Union Worker

And don't think you can just watch it on DVD.  If you do that you'll miss the commercials.  And then you won't buy stuff for Xmas.  And then the terrorists win.  Besides Santa sliding down a hill on an electric shaver never gets old.

Anyway to whet your collective appetites, here's a little list for you.  You knew we'd eventually get here.

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

10) Named to Barack Obama's transition team

9) Still has bitter feelings toward Bambi after working as his stunt double

8) Accused Yukon Cornelius of "naughty touch"

7) Has a restraining order against King Moonracer

6) Even more bitter than the Cavemen after losing out to a gecko for that car insurance advert

5) Frequently "dive bombs" Superman's Fortress of Solitude after Mrs. Claus' infamous taco night

4) Had nosed fixed in expensive rhinoplasty after Yukon Cornelius settlement

3) Shot at from a helicopter by Sarah Palin

2) Considers Mrs. Claus his bff.  Santa?  Not so much.

1) Still won't let Hermey touch his teeth

Enjoy the big show tonight, kids.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Tutti Rudi

Yes, I know I've written about this before. And before. I can't help it that the best thing I've ever written on this here blog is stupid stuff about clay. Suck it, monkeys. It's not a re-run; it's a classic.Luvahs

But the best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 PM on CBS (check local listings). Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

It's that great/crappy claymation and a great drinking game. Take a sip every time Rudolph's nose lights up to play "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic.

I've seen this show way too many times and can actually do most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of any houseguests). And I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer depicts the common literary theme regarding the struggle of man against

There are also, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

  • Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
  • The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
  • Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superior flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarice. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the Reindeer Flight Practice.
  • Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? Throughout the entire show, it is appropriate to yell, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius!"
  • Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
  • All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning and stem cell research?
  • Clarice's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
  • Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
  • King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
  • What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities? Transgendered? PMS?
  • Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. King Moonracer is a caricature of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies. Discuss other examples of the Island of Misfit Toys undermining U.S. Foreign Policy.
  • Rudolph's Mother and Clarice are initially denied joining in the search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
  • The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
  • When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
  • This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
  • Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
  • Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
  • Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
  • Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?
  • Santa "delivers" the toys by throwing them from his sled. Yet the BirdFish who we have learned earlier is unable to fly is not given an umbrella and is instead thrown to his death from Santa's sleigh. Is this an indictment against genetic mutations?
Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Blue Christmas

Well, it's finally here. Despite what the retailers have been shoving done your throat since Halloween, it's now safe to discuss Christmas without receiving a boot to the head.

Go ahead and start listening to that lame FM station that only plays carols, it's safe now.

And in Scotland, they're celebrating St. Andrews Day. By painting the sheep blue. Really. That's the celebratory baa boys over there.

The reason for this dye job according to the sheepmaster Andrew Jack is that St. Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland and that blue is the national color of Scotland. And while it's not in the article, I'm guessing liquor was involved. Probably Scotch.


Here in the States, you should be hard at work on your Amazon wish list for all those obscure items you need friends and family to buy you. Because it's up to us consumers to bail out the economy. If you're not giving, and giving extravagantly, the terrorists win. And our economy will suck.

So get out there and get shopping. It's only the rampant consumerism and endless repetition of holiday specials that makes the season meaningful.

Here's my list so far:
  • Every Xbox 360 game released between Oct. 31 and Dec. 24
  • Radioactive spider traps (how else am I going to get my super powers)
  • A real live football team for Detroit (clearly, the Lions aren't working out this year)
  • A singing Elvis robot
  • Bacon Tuxedo (so classy for that New Year's event)
  • Some sweet pirate stuff

Oh, and I'll probably want some stupid stuff too.

What do you want for xmas, kids?