Saturday, January 31, 2009

Anything by The Allan Parsons Project

I'm not sure why today seems just a Maybe it was the Midnight Puppy Patrol Pukefest that put me off my center of being.

Or maybe it's all the hype surrounding the game tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm just feeling freaky because it's actually quiet in the house. Wife off to get her hair done. Pups wiped out from the dog park and are actually quietly asleep dreaming about romping in a field of bacon.

Which gives me to much time to think about what I should do with my life. Besides crack wise here of course. This is what happens when there's no football on and no college hoops I care about on tv. Curses.

Does anyone out there have an online project management certificate?

I was thinking about going back to school for a bit. At least until Barack hires me to be the First Dog Wrangler. You know how this always works out. You fill out all the paperwork for the background check on your Dog Wrangling skills, then it takes forever for the Committee on Government Sinecures to get around to you.

I'm good at Project Management. It's probably my inherent ability to enjoy telling other people what to do. And it's a nice mid-point until I become Benevolent Dictator for Life. Hey, Castro has to kick one of these days and Raoul isn't getting any younger.

But is the certificate more valuable than just being able to point to all the projects you've already run? Getting an IT project isn't rocket science in my book. Just double all the time estimates they give you. At one of my old employers, the IT project methodology was extremely painful. And more than 50% of the time, the estimates were off by more than 100%. You may as well have flipped a coin for that kind of accuracy.

Anyway, advice is always welcome.

Friday, January 30, 2009

You've Got to Be a Football Hero

Hey, is something big coming up this weekend? You haven't heard anything about the Most Important Football Game Ever have you? Until next year's Most Important Football Game Ever of course.

I'm just playing with you. I know the Exxon Mobil, Publix, Raymond James Stupor Bowl is in Tampa, FL this weekend. Oh, on NBC of course.

Now some people see this chaos as a time of opportunity. No, not the hookers. I'm talking about the gamblers. Yes, you may be shocked to know that there is gambling on the Super Bowl. I know. How long has this been going on?

Some asshats are still lording it over their spouses that they correctly predicted last year's game. The New England Patsies never, ever cover. Especially Plaxico Burress.
This year it's trickier. The Steel Curtains Matches the Drapes are giving 7 points to the Arizona Non-Desert Indigenous Species Cardinals. Yes, people in Arizona are so excited to find out they have a team in the NFL!
But that's not going to be enough! Yep, I'm going out on a limb. Skip the mortgage and put everything on Pittsburgh. Purely for entertainment purposes only of course. Unless I'm right then I'll gloat about it just like this next year.
But the score isn't the main focus on the game. It's all the proposition bets. Proposition is a French word that means sucker. It's fun to wager on all the oddball things that can happen during the game. The house picks a number and then you have to decide whether that thing is going to happen more or less than that number. See? Simple.
Here are just a few examples. (Yes, you knew we'd get here eventually.)
  • Food references by John Madden - over/under 17
  • Brett Farve references by John Madden - over/ under 4
  • John Madden references by John Madden - over/under 3
  • NFL players arrested during game - over/under 2 1/2
  • Barack Obama references during game - over/under 15
  • Bruce Springsteen wardrobe malfunctions - over/under 1
  • References to Mean Joe Green commercial at your Super Bowl Party- over/under 4
  • Super Bowl commercials for liquor - over/under 52
  • Drunk Driving Public Service Announcements - over/under 1
  • Truck Commercials - over/under 34
  • Howie Long calls you a pussy for having the wrong truck commercial- over/under 5
  • Auto Companies Whining for a Bailout - over/under 1
  • Commercials using fart humor to get a cheap laugh - over/under 5
  • Commercials using T&A to get noticed - over/under 317
  • Commercials you can't tell what they're advertising - over/under 3.5
  • MVP thanks Jesus and/or Higher Power - over/under 4
  • MVP thanks Agent - over/under 4
  • MVP thanks Coach - over/under 0
  • MVP refers to self in 3rd person - over/under 2
  • Referee obviously blows call on the field - over/under 5
  • Telemarketer calls during game and is surprised you don't want to talk - over/under 2
  • Obligatory, unoriginal news stories about how much pizza ordered during game - over/under 568
Feel free to pass along your own bets, kids. And enjoy the game. Now pipe down and get in the kitchen and make me a sammich.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

You Know I Can't Dance

Last week's January 24th was supposedly the worst day of the year. Thank you British Psychologist who pulled that date out of his ass. Glad that's over. It's all uphill from here obviously.

But one of the "reasons" for the 24th being so craptacular was because by now people have already abandoned their resolutions.

Luckily, everyone who comes here is perfect. But some folks need help with their resolutions. And while no one would in any way need to lose any weight, I saw something while getting lost in Target and trying to find what I really wanted.

The Dirty Dancing Workout.

They're pimping tag is "Get Fit and Have the Time of Your Life." Ah, nothing makes you want to work out like crummy 80's music.

Obviously, you can learn to move like Baby and Johnny. But, you can't work out in the corner. Because no one puts Baby in the corner.

Warning: the Dirty Dancing Workout may cause pregnancy scares and nose jobs.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I Ain't No Senator's Son

All right, kids. It's really starting to get weird in the Land of Lincoln.

Hot Rod Blagojevich is getting curiouser and curiouser. If you have trouble pronouncing that name, just remember it rhymes with Prison Bitch. Take a look at that weasel over there. That hair, those shifty eyes, the furtive manner. All he's lacking is a plaid sports coat and a '74 Gremlin that he's trying to unload on some poor, unsuspecting sucker.

Anyway, Blagojevich has said that he considered Oprah for the spot of Illinois Senator.

Seriously, how long before this guy crashes his own airplane and tries to escape on a motorcycle he stashed in a storage unit in Joliet?

Well thanks to this reporter's deeply hidden moles in the Blago administration, we were able to obtain the actual hand-written notes of other people he considered as possible Senatorial replacements.
  • Michael Jordan
  • Abraham Lincoln
  • Shoeless Joe Jackson
  • Mrs. O'Leary's Cow
  • Walter Payton
  • Al Capone
  • Andre Dawson
  • Elwood Blues
  • Jake Blues
  • Harry Caray
  • The Inventor of the Chicago Dog
  • Rikki Lake
  • Al Bundy
  • The Inventor of Old Style
  • Bill Brock
  • Bill Veeck
  • The Inventor of Deep Dish Pizza
  • Marshall Field
  • Wrigley Field
  • John Cusack
  • Joan Cusack
  • Bob Newhart

Yeah, it's obvious Blago's not hitting on all cylinders right now. Some of those people aren't even real. Like Abraham Lincoln. They just made him up for the penny.

Maybe he'll get to share a cell with former Mayor Kwame.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Call Me

If you hadn't heard, the crisis has been averted. Just like Joltin' Joe predicted, within the first 60 days, we almost had international incident.
Yes, despite concerns over privacy, White House record-keeping protocols and security, Barack Obama is going to be allowed to keep his Blackberry.
That's good because he sends me text messages all the time. What? I don't even have a cell phone so how can I get the President's text messages. Shut up, kid. No one likes a smart ass. Just go with the bit.
Anyway, Barack must have been meeting with his economic advisers because I got the following last night:
OMG!!! This Country is so FUBAR. :( Luvs, BO
Hope that's not a portent of things to come.
I mean I don't think I should be getting email that says Luvs from the President. This can't end well.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Papa Don't Preach

Because I didn't brave the cold, the crowds and the chaos, I didn't see Barack the Vote get sworn in. But then neither did anyone else. Because Chief Justice Roberts effed it up, they had to do a big do-over. Oops!

What do they say in psychiatry? There are no accidents. It's because of the prejudice. Because he's Irish. At least he didn't fall for the "State Your Name" that Roberts tried on him.

And after I got sworn in? It wouldn't be any chaste kiss on the cheek for my hot Chocolate MILF. I'd give the Wife the full lip lock with some grindage and probably even a little assgrab on tv. Of course it's entirely this type of conduct that makes any swearing in ceremony worries not much of a concern for yours truly.

Anyway, before the intertubes get all clogged up with speculation about whether Barack is really the President due to the do-over, you'd better hop on over to what is sure to be the hottest thing ever.

The Pope is getting his own YouTube channel. Man, and you thought it was hard to get people to show up for mass now. Once they find out they can just watch from home, those early Sundays are going to be pretty deserted.

All the details are supposed to be revealed tomorrow. But lucky for you kids, this intrepid reporter has some deep moles on the inside. Here's the real skinny for you. Shhh, it's double top secret. At least until the Flacks get hold of it tomorrow.

While they're still deciding upon the name for the channel, it's down to Bless You Tube or And With You Tube (for both of you Catholics who got that joke, you're welcome).

But it's the content that will really have the masses (get it? It's a gift.) coming back again and again.

Top Ten Pope Videos on You Tube:

10) Pope drops Mentos into Diet Coke
9) Pope skateboards
8) Pope puts all Cardinals' robes in freezer during sleep over
7) Pope does a back flip into his jeans
6) Pope psyches crowd with old pretend to sit down move
5) Pope pretends to be Jack Mehoff and calls Sarah Palin
4) Cardinals retaliate by hiding mitre and replacing with propeller beanie
3) Pope re-retaliates by damning Cardinals
2) Pope has mix up with Arizona Cardinals
1) Pope uses staff to "accidentally" hit crotch of whack job who charged at him

Hey, there's no topping crotch trauma for interweb hilarity.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Barack Me Amadeus

I'll confess to missing the entire gushfest yesterday. I'm not one for ceremonies. Much less long ones with lots of speeches. Somewhere, I'll bet Joe Biden is still talking. Good luck folks. Here are the keys to the Titanic.

Top 10 Things Overheard in DC Yesterday

10) I'm sure Hillary's Presidential Balls would have been much bigger. And brass.
9) No Senator Kennedy, you can't drive.
8) My wife is Secretary of State and will be out of town for 6 months this year. I'm at the Marriott by the way.
7) You can stay until Spongebob is over, Mr. Former President. Then I call the Secret Service.
6) What do you mean I need a deposit for the utilities? It's the White House!
5) Cheney was alone in here. Count the china.
4) No Justice Thomas, I don't want to "bang your gavel."
3) I heard a 10 year old boy from Indiana got his tongue frozen to Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
2) Global warming my ass. If I see Gore, I'm taking a swing.
1) For the last time, girls. We can't take the motorcade through the drive through.

Enjoy the pageantry, kids. It's the closest we'll get to a coronation until the Super Bowl is over.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Wanted Dead Or Alive

I don't want to say that I racked up major husband points this weekend, but I sat through both Mamma Mia and Marley & Me.

That's a whole lot of cinematic emotion for a big strapping mountain man like yours truly. I was briefly cheered that while Pierce Brosnan is one of the top five prettiest men in the world, he can't sing worth a damn.

And Marley and Me with Jennifer Aniston? Everyone was bawling by the end. If you're a dog person, you may want to skip the last 15 minutes and sneak into something else.

It's so sad when Marley runs off with Angelina Jolie at the end.

Hope I didn't ruin anything for anybody there.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Name Game

You know things are bad people when Larry Flynt is asking for a bailout. Just 5 billion to tide him over for a while. Man, when the porn industry starts losing money, times must be tough.

Personally, I'm going to get me a really slick Lexington personal injury lawyer and start diving in front of cars stopped at intersections. A couple of well-placed and seemingly respectable witnesses conveniently in the area before I take my dive and the right chiropractor on the payroll and I'll be on easy street. If I can't take advantage of our overly litigious society, who can?

Once those fat settlement checks start rolling in, I'll be able to help out Uncle Larry. No, he's not really my Uncle. But after seeing Woody Harrelson in that movie, I feel like I know him. Sure Larry wants to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America." I'm sure this isn't just some cheap publicity grab. Uncle Larry has too much class for that.

I thought the porn industry was insulated from an economic downturn. When you're broke, what else is there to do except for doing it bunches? You can't afford to go to the movies, but you can always make your own.

The real problem is that the industry has lost its edge. They used to be extremely clever in ripping off the names of current movies for their less than mainstream fare. The two most genius were On Golden Blonde and Hannah Does Her Three Sisters.

So in an effort to help out Mr. Flynt, here's some starters to get his production geniuses started. And you knew we'd eventually get to a list here, didn't you?
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt

  • Hotel for Doggy Style

  • Charley, Harley, Farley & Me

  • Yes Ma'am

  • Horndog Millionaire

  • Milk (but it's a verb in this film)

  • Bride Hoors

  • The Dork Knight

  • Forever Long

  • My Horny Valentine

  • Hot Bedtime Stories

  • The Tale of Desper Do Me

  • Seven Pounds and 9 Inches

  • Quantum of Solo

  • Asstralia

  • Frost/Vixen

  • Cram Torino

  • Paul Blart: Mall Stud

  • De Fiancee

  • Twilight All Night Long

Have a good weekend, kids. And feel free to play along at home. Uncle Larry needs all the help he can get. Because he sure as hell isn't going to get that 5 billion anytime soon.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dog Day Afternoon

I couldn't help but notice that our Presidential Elect First Family has narrowed down its choices for First Dog to two particular breeds: Labradoodle and Portuguese Water Dog.

What kind of an asshat would have those kind of dogs? Wuh? Oh, yeah. This asshat would.

And thanks to all who thought the two Hell Hounds were frikin adorable yesterday. Yes, that's Guinness trying to bit Tiki's head after Tiki was trying to write a check his butt can't cash. Yet.

So it's with some first hand experience that I can give our President Elect a bit of advice regarding the two breeds.

The Labradoodle is a cross between the Labrador Retriever and a Poodle. While not truly non-allergenic (no dog is), the breed typically doesn't shed. First generation labradoodles tends to look scruffier and may have more hair loss than a second generation dog. Typically you get the goofy personality of the Lab and the intelligence of the Poodle.

The breed originated in Australia where they were started as service dogs for those allergic to most breeds. Despite this arcane fact, our Lab won't retrieve. Unless you count an affinity for eating poo as a retrieval skill. So rich, so creamy. Sometimes he just can't resist.

While the breed is extremely good natured, you must also be prepared that you may have a 70 pound lap dog. Who prefers a very comfortable position that puts pressure on your bladder.

The Portuguese Water Dog has bred in his namesake country to assist fishermen by pulling nets and carrying messages back to shore. As such, they have an extremely powerful bite. Especially for things like shoes, hand towels, brother dogs, ice cubs, newspapers or tennis balls.

You may also wish to consult your peer Ted Kennedy as he owns a Portie that he brings to the office and is named Splash. Yes, you'd think someone with that kind of history would avoid any mention of water. It could have been worse, he could have named him Oldsmobile or Chappaquiddick.

As a working class dog, the Portie is better than an Apidexin. Think of him as a furry exercise machine. You won't need to worry about getting too much Oval Office time as you'll be walking that little critter for a couple of hours a day. But at least this will give you an excuse to get outside to sneak a quick smoke. As your Mother-In-Law is moving in, there's no way you're quitting this year.

The Portie is also non-allergenic. But while they don't shed, when they role in horse manure, it's really not a function of how much hair they're letting loose in the house. Sometimes those exotic smells are just too ripe to ignore. Luckily the breed likes water so when you have to wash that horse poo out, it's not too bad. Just ask Tiki. Yesterday. Ah, the joys of pet ownership.

And while this media distraction very important decision that impacts our entire country should not be entered lightly, it might be best if you made sure any chosen dog would be the right fit with your family, lifestyle and new home. Toward that end, if you'd like to borrow for an indefinite period of time either of the breeds, I'm sure we could reach some sort of accommodation. Something in the nature of Ambassador to a country with lots of beaches or some other type of sinecure.

Good luck, B.O. You're going to need it. Better warn your security detail that poop scooping has been added to their job description.

Just remember that if you ever accidentally lock your dog and your wife in the garage for an hour, when you open that door, your dog will be happy to see you.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Anarchy in the UK

Sorry about the title kids. It's the only thing on my iPod that I could come up with from The Alarm.

Anyway, we scored one of those swell, new, jim dandy, home security systems recently. This despite the recent statistic in the paper here that one in 25 people roaming our streets out here are packing heat. Yes, 4% of our population has an undercover gun permit. So when you combine that with the statistic that 25% of our populace has some form of mental illness, it makes for good times. No wonder we have gun shows out here. That's just good marketing. Although I can't really disagree with the latest road rage incident we had. It involved the freeway, some gunplay and someone texting. I completely understand.

The best thing is that we got the ADT system for free. They were just wandering by and throwing them at people. That's because the monitoring service is where you really get your value.

If the alarm goes off, the local police get a little ring a ding ding and they send someone over to ask why you can't remember your own access code. Because there's nothing better than explaining your memoric failings to The Man.

I wasn't initially in favor of the new alarm. But then the Wife (aka The Brains of the Operation) pointed out to me that our current alarm system based upon the fuzzy, hairy, biting platform would probably be too busy eating their giant rawhide candy cane (instead of each other for a change) to actually defend the house. That and they'd rather bark at harmless passersby or the doorbells they hear on tv. And if an intruder ever had bacon, forget about it. All three of us would fall for that one.

It does seem like alarm systems have come a long way. I remember my parents having one. It would go off when the paper boy threw the morning delivery and it hit the door. Wow, there's nothing like waking up to 130 decibels of electronic screech. That's better than any snooze alarm.

Now I've just got to remember to turn off the alarm before I let the whizzers out in the morning. I'm sure both the local police and my neighbors would appreciate that in the future. Sorry. I'm not really awake until the Diet Coke has kicked in and I've had time to process the ESPN ticker scores. So you can thank me for getting your week off to an exciting start.

Friday, January 09, 2009

You Say You Want a Resolution

Wow, am I glad the Fiesta New Year's is over. I can't handle all that pressure of football teams voted on by the media (who knows everything) deciding who wins the championship. They're going to do the same thing in the NFL so get ready for the Cowboys and the Colts to play in the Super Bowl. It doesn't matter that they lost, it's what the media wants. Deal with it, pinkbellies.

Now I know how astute all my readers are (both of them). And we all know yours truly is just a smidge shy of perfection. You don't get tagged with Prince Effing Charming for no reason. So let's just agree that there's no need for any of us to change our act in 2009.

But think about the real problems in your life. What is it? Other people.

So while some schmukos may make resolutions for the new year, I'm sure that you'll all agree that we should be making Fed Ex New Year's Resolutions for those other people. Here goes:

Tom Cruise: No more movies wherein you play a Nazi. Yeah, go figure playing a Nazi didn't endear you with audiences again. From now on, Tommy Boy, you only get to play roles that have so much make up that we don't even recognize you. Nice work in Tropic Thunder btw. Keep it up in '09.

Paula Abdul: I'm going the other way on this one. Lots of people think she should quit drinking during the show. Instead she needs to start drinking at lunch. I want even more spontaneous, unexplainable behavior this year. If there's not a crying jab, threats of violence against Mr. Cowell and random acts of disrobing, I'm out. Go for it. You can always reunite with MC Skat Cat if Idol sucks the big one this year. Again.

Plaxico Burress: Gun safety lessons. Oh, and maybe a gun permit. Oh, and buy your gun legally. Oh, and leave it at home before you wear your sweat pants to the club. What do you call it when you accidentally discharge your weapon? A Plaxident.

Caroline Kennedy: Senator is not an entry level position. No matter if you are from America's First Family. You actually have to show up for those votes. That's really going to cut into your me time. Like shopping.

Bernie Madoff: The chair. And not a wing back leather that's part of a much more contemporary ensemble. This one plugs in. Hey, they croak the bastards for corporate corruption in China. That tends to deter the greedheads a bit.

Amy Winehouse: Seriously, get off the crank. And back in the studio.

Madonna: Okay, it was cute when you were younger. Now you're the scary aunt who hugs you just a little too long and turns her head when you're supposed to be giving a kiss on the cheeks. If you continue to date Yankees, you must go through the starting lineup in the batting order. No word on whether Madge will now be affecting a faux Brooklyn accent.

Brett Favre: Stay retired this time. Maybe announcing. Even Barry Switzer can manage that.

Jeremy Piven: Eat steak. No more sushi. Or lame excuses when you want out.

Oprah: Some self-esteem courses. Just kidding, Queen of All She Surveys. Remember on inauguration day, it's not all about you. Let someone else have the spotlight once in a while. Maybe even be on the cover of your magazine. At least once.

Donald Trump: A hat.

Miley Cyrus: A boyfriend who's not facing statutory charges. Oh, and a really honest accountant. You can never be too careful.

Jay Leno: A prime time talk show? Really? You should just spend more time doing stand up in Vegas and working on cars. Let it go. It's time to move on. See Brett Farve's entry above. Please.

Sarah Palin: Just go away. Quietly. And now.

Leon Panetta: Having seen all the James Bond movies doesn't make you an espionage expert. You know accounting. Cutting back on the Luminox watches for field agents may save some bucks, but it won't make any more sense out of the Middle East intelligence gathering. Please don't get in over your head. Does it worry anyone else that they couldn't even keep his selection from being leaked early?

Tony Kornheiser: Retirement from tv. Just write. At least I don't have to read that.

Barack Obama: A smooth transition. Maybe even an early one. And go ahead and buy some of those plates. It'll be great for a laugh at the first State Dinner. Yes We Can Finish our Vegetables.

I'm sure you may have some suggestions for people. Maybe even co-workers or prospective spouses who need to spring for a ring. Don't be shy, kids.