Friday, September 22, 2006

On Reading the Signs

#4 Reading the Signs

Because you’re no longer in junior high school, you’ve advanced beyond asking “Does he like me or does he like me, like me?” And getting your best friend to ask him if he likes you (but don’t tell him you asked her to ask him) is a no go. Sending a note with boxes to check (yes, no, maybe) is also a bit out of bounds at this stage in your life.

You’re old enough and mature enough to get beyond these childish (but in their defense sure fire) tricks. You need to be able to tell if a man is attracted to you. If you can’t tell if one is on the line, you can’t tell when to start reeling him in. Enough with the lame fishing analogies you’re saying.

So how can you tell if a man likes you?

He looks at you.
Note that honking, wolf-whistling and yelling “Pull Up Your Shirt” (and you know that’s not what he really would yell) also indicate attraction but are most likely less desirable in a potential mate. Even if you’re from Texas. Possibly.

He listens to you.
Women use on average 20,000 words a day. Men use about 7,000. And most of these are probably monosyllabic or actually just grunting. Small wonder then that men find themselves the recipient of 13,000 extra words a day. Because of this disparity in words, men have the rare ability to go to autopilot and turn up the music that’s in their heads. A good way to check to see if a man is really listening or only autopilot listening is to slip in a term like “zone defense,” “free beer” or “Are my nipples too erect?” and see if you get a reaction.

He talks to you.
This is a tough one. Because men are so often out of words by the end of the day (as discussed more fully above), it can be a bit like dating Harpo Marx. Men aren’t rendered uncomfortable by short periods of silence. And while your story about “finding the best shoes ever at DSW but only because they had the exact same pair at Nordstrom’s but not in the right size and for $45 more but only after you had to go to Payless and try on about 15 pairs because Shoebilee never has the right size anyway” is probably very fascinating to some of your other friends, you may want to save that one for later in the courtship.

One trick to get a man to talk to you is to ask who he thinks will win the game and why. Which game isn’t important. Beware as you may receive an answer that sounds suspiciously like your shoe story. Note that the verb is talk. It’s not “open up” to you for a reason. He’s a man with no feelings. Just hope he’s not English or it’s like dating a Vulcan.

He calls you back.
Despite the genius that is Swingers, we don’t obsess about when to call. It’s a myth. Get over it. We just call when we want to do something with you. Yes, especially have sex.

He doesn’t try to hit on your friends.
This also applies to hitting on family members. Yes, especially your Mom.

He touches you.
Not your heart. Physically touches you. Puts a hand on the small of your back while you walk. Brushes hair out of your face. Holds your hand in the movie. Kisses the back of your neck when he comes back to the table.

He opens doors and/or holds chairs for you.
This one can be tricky. He may just be Southern and had these manners beaten into him by his Momma. You know, the same Momma who thinks you’re bit forward because you gave your number to her ‘lil baby son after you made out with him in public. Generally, as the younger generation of men is so ill-behaved, if you’ve got him doing this for you, you’re probably in.

He makes you laugh.
This is a tricky one too because you may be dating Harpo Marx who despite the absence of conversation is still hilarious. But if he says funny things just to you (instead of a crowd), that’s probably a good thing. Women always say they want a man with a sense of humor. Yet when I say Ocean’s 11 and they show Brad Pitt and George Clooney riding up the escalator, I heard every woman in the theater sigh. Oh yeah, it’s all about the sense of humor.

Check for actions falling into these categories. If he's doing the right things, you're probably so money and you don't even know it.


Kate The Great said...

You are marvelous. You should write a book to help all us idiots out. Unfortunately I have not grown out of my chasing boys around the playground analogy. I've always been a chaser. I don't know if that's hindered my getting chased, but I know I've done a lot more running to than running from.

God, the era of arranged couples was so much easier. But far less, uh, hot.

nobich said...

You are one smart cookie!! So that multiple choice thing doesn't work huh? So I should stop doing it??

angelatee said...

Kate is right, you should write a book! If that "he's just not that into" ass can, you should!

Trix said...

He likes me...he really, really likes me!

snackiepoo said...

Amen - AND he does not check out other how women when he is WITH when he is alone, whatever...but if he shows enough respect to NOT do that when you are out with him, kudos!

I love that you are helping all of these single women =). I should've had you back in the day before I got married....woulda saved me some heartache!

foundme said...

I think a lot more people like me now!

Wonderful, my ego is completely oversized now!

Nat said...

I could help fodder your book - what if he does all that and after 10 months he still won't commit?

WKRP said...

What if it's 3.5 from your list. I say .5 because I wonder if calling and hanging up counts as calling you? Is that enough to know if he likes me likes me, or is he just humoring me? Please advise if you can.