Friday, September 29, 2006

Lack of Commitment

#5 On Lack of Commitment

Someone asked, "What if it's been 10 months and he won't commit?"

That depends upon what you want him to commit to. Going steady? Exclusive dating? Monogamy? Marriage? Living together? Being institutionalized? Getting those matching tattoos? Remember how well that worked out for Roseanne and Tom.

But seriously folks, 10 months is probably long enough to figure out where a relationship is going. I'm saying probably because it depends upon your particular circumstances. I know a girl who lived with a guy and she wouldn't ever go the bathroom when he was around. Seriously, she had to wait until he left early for work so she could finally bust a grumpy. If you're in this kind of relationship CandyLand where bodily functions do not exist and everyone is still on their best behavior, 10 months may not be enough.

More than likely it is though. After 10 months you ought to have some idea if this is the person you want to drive crazy the rest of your life. I'm speaking from experience here. I was on the clock before I asked Wife to marry me. There was a timetable which I didn't know about. Luckily I got in my proposal before the clock ran out. Yet another example of my complete cluelessness where it comes to women. To this day she hasn't told me how much longer I had to pop the question. I'm pretty sure it wasn't another 10 months though.

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about people who have dated for 6 years. What the hell? How can you not have some idea whether you can co-exist by this time? It's also part of the reason that people should be forced to live together before they get married. Think of it as a Learner's Permit for Love. If you've never had to share a 1000 square foot house in the dead of winter, it may sound romantic. If you're with the wrong person, it'll be The Shining.

That wonderful person you admire so may be the one. Or it may be the person who can't fold laundry correctly, pees on the floor, is unable to see the garbage is full and farts in bed. You're only going to get to discover these lovable little "quirks" under extended behavioral observation. You're Jane Goodall with her own personal ape. Don't be ashamed to use a clip board and take extensive notes for your research. Remember that Bobby and Whitney got along at one point too.

If it's been 10 months, you probably have an idea where this relationship should be going. What's his idea? Ask him. And don't ask it in a confrontational way like it's Relationship SVU and you're going to sweat a confession out of him. Ask him after a session of red hot monkey love and you should get a straight answer. Or you could pump a couple of drinks into him and let the interrogation begin. Don't forget your bright light and a rubber hose.

I hope that helps, 10 month questioner.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I'm Not Going to Try It, You Try It

I've seen something new in my recent trips to the wonderful beverage store just down the road from Virtucon. Location, location, location, kids.

I'll admit that my marketing skills are a bit rusty, but this name caught my eye as something that might not have been tested too well.

I'm going to officially go on record that I will never put anything called Hard Creamer in my mouth. I'm sure it's a refreshing malt beverage just like the press release claims, but I'm not trying it.

Maybe it's just for the ladies and gay men? I could never be gay. I don't even like that gum that squirts in your mouth.

I wish I could have found a better image, but I got some really odd returns when I searched for Hard Creamer online.

Anyone tried a Hard Creamer lately? Please feel free to insert your naughty response in the comments.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Monkey Shines

Now I loves me the animal shows. I could watch Animal Planet all day long. Much longer than I could handle actually going out into nature and trying to interact with all the stuff that can hurt you. Or pee on you. Or eat you. And many a time I've actually said out loud (in my best Veruca Salt voice), "I want a monkey." Extra points are awarded for having hands on hips and stomping a foot at the same time as the declaration.

But I don't love animals so much that I'd actually try to bring a monkey back into the country so I could hug it and squeeze it and love it forever. That's just what happened when Robert Cusack came back into the country from Thailand.

Going out on a limb here, these smugglers probably weren't rocket scientists. Because they actually had rare birds in a suitcase and then opened the suitcase. That's like something from out of a bad sitcom. Way to go, Han Solo. You're quite the smuggler.

But being able to confess that you've got monkeys in your pants has to score you some points with the Customs Agents. Especially with the female officers. "Excuse me, is that a monkey in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

I've also got to think that's there's more valuable merchandise you can bring back into the country than live animals. Especially when you wind up just giving the animal to an ex-girlfriend. That's a real money making scheme, criminal genius.

And if we're reading about these guys, just imagine how many other people get away with having wild monkeys in their pants. Think about that next time you're tossing your too large bottle of contact lens solution while you wait to board your plane. Even worse, it could be snakes on that plane. Nah, that's a crappy idea.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Where's My Mama-San?

Apparently in Japan they are out of news. Because this made the papers (or the online version anyway).

Japanese women look to younger men for romance

In Japan it's such chaos and free love that women are actually marrying men 6 years their junior! Stop the presses.

One talking head speculated that the "the feminine aversion to marriage reflects a gap between women's rising status at work and the deep-rooted notion that they should be subservient in relationships with men." Now my Japanese is very rusty, but my tranlsation of the original text was "Look out, Papa-san. Mama has figured out you're a load and she doesn't need you anymore. Nor your small penis." That's a loose translation of course.

Where were these nurturing, caring women when I was a poor, struggling, love-starved college student? I could have used a Sugar Momma when I was surviving on Minute Rice and Ramen Noodles. At least my diet would have probably improved.

While this may be a big deal over there, they've got a lot of work to do to catch up to us. Don't they, Ms. Moore and Ms. Sarandon?

Luckily men can still get away with marrying women 20 years or more younger than them without generating news in Japan. God Bless America. Jerry Lee and Roman, you leave those girls alone!

I don't think I've ever dated anyone that older than me. Although there was this one time with my girlfriend's Stacey's Mom. And that time with Mrs. Robinson. And my teacher in Florida. I guess this does happen all the time.

Is the age difference between partners really that big a deal in this day and age? I think an older partner might be nice. They'd tire easily and like naps so you've got your "me time" covered.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Overlooked by the Academy

In Gallatin, TN, the Honorable Don Wright is in a bit of hot water. Seems he let the makers of a local movie use the his office for a bit of filming. The movie? Thong Girl 3: Revenge of the Dark Widow of course.

I'll confess to having missed Thong Girl 1 & 2. But I've got a feeling with a title like Thong Girl (WARNING, that's a noisy link but totally worth it), picking up the series mid-stream probably isn't that difficult. I'll doubt the plot is as complex as Memento or Adaptation.

You can even watch the trailer for Thong Girl 2 online. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you. With great acting and plot like that, you can see why something this good would have to be a trilogy. Too bad Peter Jackson was busy. The film reportedly has " no nudity, no cussing and no sex" according to its maker. That just leaves crappy special effects and bad acting then.

I'm sure you're well acquainted with Thong Girl's alter ego, Lana Layonme, who went shopping at a lingerie store one day and put on a pair of red thong underwear, which gave her magical powers. Please note that I have not made any of this up. In the latest adventure, she's trying to thwart a plot to destroy country music. Wait a minute, I'm not certain who I'm supposed to be rooting for now.

But if you're looking for a cheap and creative Halloween costume, you probably can't go wrong with Thong Girl. Especially if you're a fat, hairy guy.

Friday, September 22, 2006

On Reading the Signs

#4 Reading the Signs

Because you’re no longer in junior high school, you’ve advanced beyond asking “Does he like me or does he like me, like me?” And getting your best friend to ask him if he likes you (but don’t tell him you asked her to ask him) is a no go. Sending a note with boxes to check (yes, no, maybe) is also a bit out of bounds at this stage in your life.

You’re old enough and mature enough to get beyond these childish (but in their defense sure fire) tricks. You need to be able to tell if a man is attracted to you. If you can’t tell if one is on the line, you can’t tell when to start reeling him in. Enough with the lame fishing analogies you’re saying.

So how can you tell if a man likes you?

He looks at you.
Note that honking, wolf-whistling and yelling “Pull Up Your Shirt” (and you know that’s not what he really would yell) also indicate attraction but are most likely less desirable in a potential mate. Even if you’re from Texas. Possibly.

He listens to you.
Women use on average 20,000 words a day. Men use about 7,000. And most of these are probably monosyllabic or actually just grunting. Small wonder then that men find themselves the recipient of 13,000 extra words a day. Because of this disparity in words, men have the rare ability to go to autopilot and turn up the music that’s in their heads. A good way to check to see if a man is really listening or only autopilot listening is to slip in a term like “zone defense,” “free beer” or “Are my nipples too erect?” and see if you get a reaction.

He talks to you.
This is a tough one. Because men are so often out of words by the end of the day (as discussed more fully above), it can be a bit like dating Harpo Marx. Men aren’t rendered uncomfortable by short periods of silence. And while your story about “finding the best shoes ever at DSW but only because they had the exact same pair at Nordstrom’s but not in the right size and for $45 more but only after you had to go to Payless and try on about 15 pairs because Shoebilee never has the right size anyway” is probably very fascinating to some of your other friends, you may want to save that one for later in the courtship.

One trick to get a man to talk to you is to ask who he thinks will win the game and why. Which game isn’t important. Beware as you may receive an answer that sounds suspiciously like your shoe story. Note that the verb is talk. It’s not “open up” to you for a reason. He’s a man with no feelings. Just hope he’s not English or it’s like dating a Vulcan.

He calls you back.
Despite the genius that is Swingers, we don’t obsess about when to call. It’s a myth. Get over it. We just call when we want to do something with you. Yes, especially have sex.

He doesn’t try to hit on your friends.
This also applies to hitting on family members. Yes, especially your Mom.

He touches you.
Not your heart. Physically touches you. Puts a hand on the small of your back while you walk. Brushes hair out of your face. Holds your hand in the movie. Kisses the back of your neck when he comes back to the table.

He opens doors and/or holds chairs for you.
This one can be tricky. He may just be Southern and had these manners beaten into him by his Momma. You know, the same Momma who thinks you’re bit forward because you gave your number to her ‘lil baby son after you made out with him in public. Generally, as the younger generation of men is so ill-behaved, if you’ve got him doing this for you, you’re probably in.

He makes you laugh.
This is a tricky one too because you may be dating Harpo Marx who despite the absence of conversation is still hilarious. But if he says funny things just to you (instead of a crowd), that’s probably a good thing. Women always say they want a man with a sense of humor. Yet when I say Ocean’s 11 and they show Brad Pitt and George Clooney riding up the escalator, I heard every woman in the theater sigh. Oh yeah, it’s all about the sense of humor.

Check for actions falling into these categories. If he's doing the right things, you're probably so money and you don't even know it.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

You Drive Me Crazy

If you haven't heard about this, you must not be in the metro Detroit area. Because it's what all the cool kids are talking about. Yes, the defensive line coach for the Lions, Joe Cullen, was suspended after being stopped for nude driving and later drunken driving. Yes, those are two separate incidents.

On the 24th of August, Joe Cullen made a run to a Wendy's drive through at 11:15 pm. The man responsible for serving the naked coach, Jethro Lett, summed it up best, "He don't have to say anything, he's butt naked!" Umm, I think that supposed to be Buck Naked, Jethro.

Then a week later da Coach was picked up again. This time for drunk driving when he blew a .12 for his blood alcohol level. Michigan is a .08 by the way.

My favorite part is the ticket he was issued for the first offense. The cop wrote up the offense as "driving on public street without any clothes on. (NUDE)." Thanks for adding (NUDE) in their Officer Friendly. It's that level of governmental efficiency that prevents me from believing in any type of conspiracy theory. The ticket also fails to note if he was properly driving with his hands at 10 and 2. Or was it more like 10 and 6?

What I really appreciate from the team is that he wasn't suspended for driving naked. It was only after the second offense that the team took action. Hey, we don't care if you're clothed if you can stop the run. When you're 0-2, you're not going to let a little something like driving au naturale get in the way of a win.

Now of course I have some questions. And as Coach Joe isn't talking (other than his flacktastic statement the team released and he's very, very sorry....he got caught) to reporters.

But I need to know a few things about naked driving. Do you go to the car naked? Where are your keys then? Or do you get in the car and suddenly decide, "You know what this little trip to the drive through needs? NO PANTS!" In which case then you've got to go fishing for your dough once you get to that window where they cough up your food.

Or was it a case of "I'd like to take a nice drive and get some fresh air. So much fresh air, in fact, that I'm going to take off my clothes." Then you go past a Wendy's and suddenly decide you need a Combo Meal #1 and have completely forgotten that you've removed your apparel during the expedition.

And why Wendy's? If you're driving naked, wouldn't you go to Burger King so you could make a couple of Whopper jokes? Even at McD's you could go with a cheap Quarter Pounder gag. Or an "I got your Big Mac right here."

Now I'll confess to never having driven naked. Although there was that pressed ham incident in college. If anyone has ever done any nude driving, I'd appreciate any insight they could share.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

I warned you last week so you'd best be prepared, me buckos.

In something that's sure to make you laugh out loud at first and then become decreasingly funny as the day goes on, it's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. By 5:00 pm, you'll actually want to use a cutlass on any co-worker who makes that damn annoying ARRRRR voice again.

Unless you go to Brown University, then you can't get enough of it.

And yes, I do stay up late on National Talk Like a Pirate Day's Eve and get to open just one cask of rum early. Right after we're done hanging our peg legs by the fireplace.

What is Richard Harris' greatest hit? Mac Arrrrrthur Parrrrk

What are a pirate's favorite kind of sock? Arrrrgyle

What is a pirate's favorite restaurant? Arrrrrby's

Why do pirates love "A Christmas Carol?" Jacob Marrrrley

Why do pirates like sea chanties so much? They get to arrrrdition for the part.

What religion do pirates practice? Rastafarrrrrianism with Bob Marrrrley

Where do pirates vacation? Key West

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated arrrrrrr.

What is a pirate's favorite college football team? Arrrrrrmy (you'd think it would be Navy)

Why don't pirates own dogs? All the barrrrking

Why do pirates love Riverdance? It's Iiiiiiiiirish.

Why do pirate love Frank Lloyd Wright? He was an arrrrchitect.

How do the scalawags stay so thin? They do Pi-rat-es.

Okay, I'll shut up now. Now get your name and post it for all to flee in terror.


Jolly Mon

Monday, September 18, 2006

Get My Drink On At the Crack of Dawn

Because we've fixed everything else in our great State of Michigan, we're working on the Sports Fans Bill of Rights. Sure we may not know what to do about the Ford Motor Company, striking Northwest Airlines Flight attendants and just settled our Detroit Public School Teachers' Stike, but we take our football seriously.

State Representative Leon Drolet (R-Macomb Township) has a couple of ideas to make the Lions games at Ford Field more exciting. First, allow alcohol sales to start at 7:00 am instead of noon on Sundays. Second, fans should be allowed to wave signs that criticize the management of the Lions. And by "the management" he means Matt Millen.

If you got to see any of the Lions' games (a 9-6 loss to the Seahawks and a Chicago Bear blowout), you'll easily understand why fans should be able to start drinking early and often. It's chemically impossible to be in a state of alcohol induced numbness sufficient to watch the Lions in only an hour.

I especially liked Roy Williams celebrating a catch yesterday against da Bears. He made a grab then got up and did the first down handmotion. Too bad they were down by 24 points by then. And that's after Roy had guaranteed a win against the Bears earlier in the week. Way to rile up the best defense in football, Roy.

And Matt Millen sucks donkey balls. Since taking the helm of the Lions five years ago, they have the worst record in the entire NFL. There are even websites devoted just to getting him fired. Rep. Drolet argues that since public money was used to fund the stadium, we should not be curtailing free speech there.

Whatever, college boy. As long as we can get into the sauce a little bit earlier, we might actually be able to stomach another 6-10 team this year. Next week the 0-2 Packers are on the schedule. Something has to give....

Friday, September 15, 2006

Always Be Closing

#3 On Closing the Transaction

This one isn’t rocket science either. Love is all around. Don’t waste it. When you’ve got a chance, take it. Wait, that may be from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Pick up your beret already and let’s move on.

The point is, when you’ve got a chance to score a date, go for it. This is the new millennium. Women are now allowed to bear the fear of rejection just like men have been doing for years (with the exception of Sadie Hawkin’s Dances). Then we're really flattered and as giggly as can be when two women fight over us. That's happened exactly once in the recorded history of Earth.

Yes, women are now allowed to ask men:
  • to dance
  • to go out to eat
  • to hang out
  • to neck
  • to go to a movie
  • to get a cocktail
There are no rules anymore. It’s chaos. Cats and dogs are living together. Get your head around it, baby. Chicks, you’re our equals now. Yes, we’re just as confused as you are. No, we don’t have any answers either.

Troubles arise between men and women when communication is vague or unclear. She hears, “I’ll call you.” He heard himself say, “Maybe I’ll call. Some day. Perhaps at half time.” Don’t settle for that weak shit. You’re so money and you don’t even know it. You need to firm up those plans. Get a real yes, dammit. ABC. Always Be Closing.

And that’s part of the closing --make definite plans. Non-committal answers are a polite no. If he’s not willing to be pinned down, move on. If he can’t see your genius, good looks and great personality, it’s his loss. Going out with his best friend or brother is always a nice response, but don’t compromise your standards just to make a point.

The perfect non-confrontation close involves lunch. Lunch is nothing. Who doesn’t do lunch? You meet somewhere, have a meal in public and then return to your appointed toil. It’s a great excuse for a quick getaway. If things aren’t working out, you've got a meeting at 1:00. You ought to be able to score a lunch date in your sleep by now. Lunch is where you’ll be able to work your magic. As long as you don’t get spinach stuck in your teeth. Again.

And getting the lunch date is just part of the fun. You’ve still got those background checks, sexual partner referrals, Google searches, credit reports and felony conviction records to go through. So get cracking.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Stealing Second Base

Thomas Vogel deserves a big hand. On a tv show in Cologne, Germany, Mr. Vogel unhooked 56 bras in 60 seconds using just one hand. Sure it's impressive, but I probably wouldn't put it on my resume. I won't ask what the other hand was doing.

Yes, he was using real live girls to demonstrate. Here's some swell vid from the fine You Tube user community. It's not the record setting demonstration, but it's got to be close.

This actually sounds like a pretty good scam. "Would you help me try to set a world record? Great, take your shirt off and turn around."

No word on whether the removed bras were Cleavacious in nature. Not having ever removed (or put on for that matter) a Cleavacious, I'm not sure if instituting Cleavaciousness takes longer time than a regular bra.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Argh, It's Just Round the Corner

Are you ready? Have you been practicing on the plank? Do you have your rapier-wit and a big gold earring? Or you can just drink a lot and kind of stumble around like Johnny Depp.

That's right. It's already been another year. It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19th. This year there's even a song.

And on the 18th, the Talk Like a Pirate family (yeah, that wouldn't get old) is going to be on Wench Wife Swap on ABC at 9:00 pm EDT (check local listings).

Remember, nothing makes a wench look wenchier and display her corsetted buxomness than a Karey Weyenberg designed Cleavacious bra.

Enjoy the day, ye lubbers.


t2ed aka "Jolly Mon"

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Best Headline Ever

Thanks to CNN for posting this little gem:

No, Saddam. I'm crushing your head. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch.

If you've never seen the Headcrusher on Kids in the Hall, it's even crazier than it sounds.

And yes, I have unobtrusively crushed a head or two during staff meetings at Virtucon.

Bless you, Mr. Tyzik.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Horsing Around

I'm not making any of this up. And ewww, just ew.

The headline: Sheriff's Deputies Make Bizarre Arrest

The Story:

Santa Barbara County sheriff's deputies come across a bizarre encounter at La Purisima Mission in Lompoc.

Around midnight they found a 69-year-old Huntington beach man naked and covered in oats.
Deputies say the man had covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and allowed the horses at the mission to lick him clean.

He apparently told deputies this has always been a fantasy of his and drove up from the Los Angeles area to play it out.

Alfred Thomas Steven was cited and released for trespassing, animal cruelty and sexually assaulting an animal.
I can't believe this guy isn't from Ohio. Good thing the cops were able to corral this pervert. How would you like to be the Public Defender saddled with this case? Any jury is going to want to horsewhip this defendant. And you know this isn't the first time he's rolled around in oats. Yup, he's a serial offender.

But is it really animal cruelty? They're getting a free breakfast after all. Hope they're not too fond of carrots. I thought you were always supposed to keep your hand flat while feeding horses.

I wonder if the judge who gets this case will be named Ed? Okay, I can't drag out these bad puns any longer so we're headed for the home stretch. If I keep this up I'll get barned from Blogger. We'll bur back tomorrow kids.

Friday, September 08, 2006

On Going To Market

#2 Going to Market

Okay, you should have at least some semblance of strategy about your main product--you. It should be written down, but if it's only in your head that's better than nothing. If your homework is incomplete, do not pass go, do not collect your date and go back and do a little thinking before venturing out into the man-filled wilderness.

The key to implementing the strategic marketing plan is positioning yourself into circumstances or events in which you have the ability to interact with single men. "Well, duh," you might be saying. It seems obvious, but it’s often overlooked. Go where the boys are. No, not the crappy George Hamilton movie. I can’t tell you the number of times someone says to me, “I went to Curves, the shoe store and the fabric store and I didn’t run into a single man anywhere.” Hello, McFly. You need to go to the places the men (and the buffalo) roam.

Your target market should naturally congregate at the following locations or event types:

  • Golf Courses
  • Sporting Events
  • Monster Truck Shows
  • Barber Shops
  • Hardware Stores
  • Stores specializing in meat products
  • Gun and/or knife shows
  • Book stores (but avoid the self help and human sexuality sections -- that smells of desperation)

You should also attempt to minimize any time spent at the following event types or locations which research has shown to be target market poor:

  • Craft Shows
  • Events involving children or Girl Scouts
  • Cross Stitch stores
  • Places with frilly things

Now you may be saying to yourself, “But I don’t like the type of men who go to The Jerky Hut.” That doesn’t matter. This isn’t just about meeting someone you want to date, it’s about making contacts who may know someone you want to date. Your girlfriends are dead to you. If they could have fixed you up already, it would have happened by now.

And don’t travel in packs of women. You're an attractive woman not a wolf for sweet baby jebus sake. Bringing the competition along with you will only make it harder to close the deal.

I know some folks swear by grocery stores. That never worked for me when I was single. Maybe it's because I was always in the snacks and beer aisle instead of produce fondling the suggestively-shaped squashes.

Some people swear by church. If that floats your boat, fine. But when there's tension in the pews, that can't be good. You don't want to get smote because you're casting lingering looks across the aisle when you ought to be paying attention to the preacher going on and on and on about fornication.

Okay, so far we know why someone would date you and we know where to go to find someone who might date you. Next week, actually getting that date.

Feel free to submit your questions, whining, rants or all of the above in the interim, kids.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Labeled for Life

I can't tell you how proud I am to be the first result in this search.

Man, you write one post about naked men serving food and you're branded a maverick and a trouble maker. Good thing I didn't shag a sheep.

I still don't think bottomless butlers can be very hygienic no matter how cheeky it is. (Yes, I actually did that. Mea maxima culpa). If they make you wear a paper hat or a hair net at McDonald's, how does the health inspector let them get away pantsless?

Bet they don't serve beef kebabs or Vienna sausages at those parties.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Butt It's Not Adjustable

The fine people at Cleavacious need to apply their technology to this problem. I wanted to copy their picture and use it but they've got some kind of interweb magic to keep me from doing it. Curses.

The Evil Empire that is Wonderbra have invented new underwears with pads to make you look like baby's got back. Basically, you put some inserts in your trunk so it makes you look like you've got heart-shaped junk.

Are asses really supposed to be heart-shaped? I thought that was for mouths. Don't people always go on and on about having a heart-shaped, pouty lips? Man there's so much I don't get about how people are supposed to tell us how we need to look and feel anymore. Glad I've given up.

Wonderbra has clearly missed the boat here. There are no straps so you can't wear your ass down during the day and pull it up for night action. Because if you're wearing your ass up at work, that's just going to invite harassment. You know some lawyer is going to go nuts on that during the court case. It was consensual. It was a misunderstanding. She was wearing her ass up.

But that's the genius that is the Clevacious. It's the unique adjustable bra. Maybe Karey Weyenberg can get into the lab and work on a prototype. Padding? Pffft. Straps are where it's at, baby!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Are You Sure It's Not Monday?

How come on Labor Day everyone skips work?

Man it sure feels like a Monday around here. Kids are back to school, everyone is walking around with a logy look on their face and it's still pretty quiet. Why is this post so random? I blame the four day weekend.

Crikey, it's sad about Steve Irwin. At least he was doing what he loved--stalking an animal with a camera crew in tow for a great show. I've held a stingray before. They're really gentle creatures. It was just a freak accident, but Steve will be missed.

It was good to watch college football again last weekend. Hope the right teams won the games you were watching. It's such a shame Miami had to lose that great game to Florida State. Wait, no it's not. I hate the Hurricanes and their ruffians. I also love when Chief Osceola comes riding out on his horse and throws the spear into the field. As much as I love Sparty, throwing the flaming war spear into the field falls just short of actually throwing feces at the other team. It's that awesome.

Friday, September 01, 2006

The Man Market

#1 Marketing to Men

So you want to meet a man? Well get over the whole mystery thing. You're not going to gaze across a crowded room (or even bar), lock eyes, hear violins (or Dream Weaver), rush into each others arms (or loins), lock lips and then start picking out China patterns. You aren't Princess Dianna, you don't want someone with ears that big and that didn't end will anyway.

Women, you need a plan. This may sound unromantic, but it works. Dates are just interviews with the threat of sex. You are your own little cottage industry in the global market of dating. You've got to get out there and network, evaluate the competition, know your market strengths (and weaknesses) and always be closing.

One of my older friends had her husband go gay on her. Not surprisingly, she wound up divorced, lonely, and needed some assistance in finding men. Toward that end, the following marketing plan was designed for her. I'm trusting you can also use it for your needs.

Your Key Messages:

I am single
I am fun to date.
If you can’t date me, you must know someone who can.

Obviously, I don't know you well enough to tell you what your other key messaging points should be. That would require an interview, voice of the customer analysis and more work than we have time for. As the Oracle said, "Know Thyself."

Why would a man want to spend time with you? Okay you gutterminds, why would a man want to spend more than 45 minutes with you?

Are you funny? Are you smart? Are you fun? Are you emotionally needy? Do you need three hours before you're ready to go anywhere? The answers to all these questions should not be yes. Why have men complimented you in the past? This should not be limited to physical attributes. Many men are simply looking for a good woman who appreciates a well run two-minute drill.

You should be able to articulate in two sentences or less what you bring to any possible relationship. This is known as the elevator speech and has to be short and to the point. Some examples include:

  • I have season tickets to [insert local sporting team here].
  • I love [insert ethnicity here] food too.
  • I clean my house naked.
  • I like going to comedy clubs.
  • Yes, these are real and they're quite spectacular.
  • Check out this tattoo and/or piercing.

Yours may be very different or you may steal leverage from the list above. I do not suggest going out and getting a piercing just because none of the others apply to you.


· Single Men (anywhere, but preferably within driving distance)

This is the key market. There is, however, some dispute about the best type of man. Some believe in Type A: smart, suave, verbally-gifted, funny in the mold of Cary Grant. Others argue that the opposite type of man is the best. Type B is the strong, silent type (perhaps with limited intellect) which can be manipulated (or trained) to meet expectations. While flannel is optional for the Type B man, an archetype is typically known as the “big-strapping mountain man.” As all men are merely bears with pants, there may be no actual difference between Type A man and Type B for the purpose of this strategy.

· Married Men

This is not an appropriate target market. Instead, married men should be relied upon only for possible referrals to the target market or for advance market information of possible new opportunities occurring either through divorce, death of a spouse or release from incarceration.

· Women

Like married men discussed more fully above, women are solely a source of possible referrals. You're desperate, but not desperate enough to actually switch sides. Despite that experimental phase at summer camp. Because of possible competition, however, other single women should not be relied upon as the sole supplier of possible referrals.

Key Messages by Audience:

Men – Single: Hi, it’s okay for you to ask me out.
Men – Married: Hi, don’t you have any single friends that I can date?
Women - Married: Hi, don’t you have any single friends that I can date?
Women – Single: Hi, do you have any ex-boyfriends who aren’t losers who I can date? Why aren’t you dating him anymore?

Please feel free to submit your questions if you'd like to try to steer this conversation toward something approaching usefulness. More useless advice to follow soon.