Jimmy Crack Corn

Because they've whipped all the other problems in the Midwest, the University of Iowa has cancelled the annual corn on the cob eating contest.

Okay, first who is actually surprised that the Hawkeyes had a corn on the cob eating contest?

But who is surprised that the contest is cancelled because according to nimrod weasel pussy vice president of student services Phillip Jones "promoting eating contests is the same as promoting gluttony."

Because as anyone who has been to a college campus recently has seen the terribly gluttonous student bodies strolling around the campus.

Even worse, the contest is the week long fun fest running up the the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. So the big tradition is ruined. Established in 1847, the contest has been in existence for over 150 years. Currently, Iowa holds a slim 76-74 edge over Iowa State. And making up things is fun.

Because of this terrible tradition tragedy, I'd like to suggest some other replacement contests:

• Beer Pong
• Streaking
• RC airplanes bombing runs of the Administration Building
• Cow tipping
• Hazing
• Corn Holing (not what you think)
• Binge Drinking
• Youth Indoctination
• Applied Bongmaking
• Fake ID Creation
• Marathon Sleeping
• Class Cutting
• 400 yard Dormitory Walk of Shame

I'm sure there are others so feel free to play along at home, kids. Until then, Phillip Jones is placing you all on Double Top Secret Probation.