Spinning Wheel

In England, 51 year old bachelor Robert Stewart has been accused of having sex with his bicycle while staying in a hostel. This is actually part of the plot for Hostel 3: Further Degradation?

Mister Man claims he was intoxicated and it was all just a misunderstanding. He thought the bike was at least 18 years old. I don't think this is the kind of bike riding you're supposed to do if you want to get into shape.

While I'll leave the "technical matters" of exactly how one has sex with a bicycle (try getting that out of your head the rest of the day) to the perverted imaginations of the interwebs, there's a lot of unresolved questions in this story.

1) Does he have to register as a sex offender?
2) Must he live at least 500 yards from any bike shops?
3) Is he technically a pedalphile?
4) Was the bike asking for it with that loose chain?
5) Is he prevented from attending the Tour de Drugs France?

6) Is his favorite movie Breaking Away or Pee Wee's Big Adventure?

7) Does the sound of a bell ringing arouse him?

8) Was it a men's bike or doesn't he swing that way?

9) Would a tandem bike make it a menage a trois?

10) Did he have to wear a helmet to make it safe sex?

11) Is he allowed to visit his training wheels without supervision?

12) Did he lock up the bike or isn't he into S&M?

13) Does he have a tattoo saying Schwin?

14) If he rides a unicycle, does that count as self-pleasure?

15) Was he wearing something white at night?

There may be more, but that should get you started.