Thursday, May 31, 2007

Another Blockbuster or She's Back

I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I was doing my big recap of the Summer Blockbusters, I missed one.

Ya'll remember the toughest superheroine of all? Of course I'm just talking 'bout Thong Girl. Lana Layonme has a very special, magical thong that allows her to fly, have superhuman strength and can fire laser beams from her ass.

That's right, Thong Girl 3: Revenge Of The Dark Widow is debuting in Nashville, TN at the the Watkins College Of Art and Design on June 9th and 10th. Two shows Saturday at 7 and 9 and a Sunday matinee at 3 for the kids. Admission for all showings is $5. The film is family friendly and contains no nudity or profane language or excessive violence.

Now I don't want to tell a big Nashville movie producer how to run his business, but Thong Girl 3 practically screams for another version with at least a little nudity. Maybe the DVD could have that version?

Even without the nudity, I'm betting this one breaks Spiderman's weekend opening record and kicks Shrek and that swishy pirate movie right in the ass. Or she could just shoot them with her laser beams.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Happy Star Wars Day

I almost completely forgot about it!

Because they've solved every other problem (traffic, homelessness, smog, crime), LA has declared today, May 25th as Official Star Wars Day.

It's part of something called Celebration IV a geekfest happening where people gather to celebrate all things Star Wars. They'll be a lot of empty parents' basements today!

They're also going to have the largest ever Slave Leia photo shoot. Yes, that's when Carrie Fisher wore that swell gold metal bikini in the movie with all the Care Bears. So lots of girls will be dressed up in gold metal bikinis. And because it's a Star Wars thing, that must mean almost 10 girls will be there.

Wow! Makes you want to get your nerd on don't it? No hate mail. I kid because I care. I own all the movies too and that Attack of the Clones makes a swell coaster. No one writes dialogue like George.

I think I'm going to celebrate Star Wars Day by doing my best George Lucas impersonation. Yup, I'm just going to count all the money in my pocket over and over again. Of course, Georgie Boy probably does better than the $27 I'm packing pre-holiday weekend. That'll teach me to spend all that money on meat and liquor.

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend, kids. It's because of those veterans' sacrifices that we're able to sit on our ass and get plenty of liquids and make fun of Star Wars geeks.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Birds Had Best Be Afraid

Because I know ya'll like reading about kitties and doggies more than anything else (especially sex), we've got this lil gem today.

Yup, that's a cat with wings. Granny Feng claims her cat grew the wings after many female cats in heat began to harass him. So, yes, kitty lovers, he's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And I thought the flying monkeys used to creep me out.

Interestingly enough, they don't give the kitty's name in the story. So I had to make a few up:
  • Hellspawn
  • Pussy Galore
  • Cowardly Flion
  • Robin Ranger
  • Crow Catcher
  • Red Sparrowen
  • Catnip Co-pilot
  • Nest Nabber
  • Flying Fluffy
  • Waldo Pooper
  • Catmando Whateverhewants
  • Tuna Torpedo
  • Flyin' Fe-Lion
  • Pilot Pussy
  • Mr. Wing 'n Whiskers
  • Nip Navigator
  • Leonine Lindbergh
  • Kamikaze Kitty
  • Tora Tora Tabby

Save your hate mail. I know he's a Chinese cat and not a Japanese cat but those last two were too good to pass up.

I wonder if he still always lands on his feet? Maybe this cat ought to run away to and live with the Unihorn.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Not In the Hero Code or Et tu, Captain?

In all the whirlwind of superhero publicity and Spiderman 3 making all the money in the entire world on it's opening weekend, I forgot to write about this.

In Melbourne, Florida, Raymond Adamcik was dressed as Captain America but wound up getting charged with battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence.

Seems ol' Cap was part of a travelling costume party that was making the rounds of several establishments. As part of the fun, Cap kept asking women if they'd like to touch a burrito he had stuffed into his tights/pants. I'm sure the old "Would you like to touch my burrito?" gag never gets old around the crime fighting lab.

Now despite the stupidity of this trick, does it strike anyone else as odd that Captain America has Mexican food stuffed in his pants. Shouldn't he have a footlong hot dog instead? Maybe a Ballpark Frank? Because they plump when you cook them.

Anyway, while at the On Tap Cafe, Cap goes into his burrito shtick and some woman chooses not to play along (probably because she's smart). Cap allegedly whipped out his burrito (I don't think that's a euphemism; it's really just the burrito) and began to grope the woman. Jailarity ensued.

Quote of the story: According to the police report, "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at one time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for possible identification."

After being taken into custody (and those abs are just part of the suit, ladies), Cap then allegedly tried to flush a joint down the toilet. Guess a burrito wasn't all he had stuffed down his pants.

Like every great victim of injustice, the good doctor/crimefighter has subsequently checked himself into rehab. No word on whether it's the Britney Spears 2 Step Program.

Step 1 - Begin rehab while Publicist issues press release.

Step 2 - Leave the next day.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tuesdays With Elvis

If you don't know who the Rock Bottom Remainders are, be prepared to be amazed.

I don't know why I find authors pretending to be musicians so funny, but enjoy the talent (such as it is).

Friday, May 18, 2007

Me So Horny

While I know about them from the Unicorn Song, I've never actually seen one.

Until now that is.

She says the worst thing is that people keep trying to hang their coats on her. Poor Unicorn Meemaw. She's 95 years old while the horn is only 3.

Seriously, how long would you let that grow out of your head before you went to see a doctor?

Well I know one thing. She doesn't sleep on her stomach.

If I had a horn, I think I'd attach a little bell to it. Because everyone would be exepcting it to honk and it would ring instead just to zag on them. Maybe even some festive ribbon or bunting that could blow in the wind. Then I could make a lame joke about blowing my own horn.

If this happens to her pet, it's a Horn Dog.

If she opens a carnival food booth? Horn Corn Dog.

Went into adult movies? Horn Porn.

Shaved her head like Brittney? Shorn Horn.

Gave it away at Halloween? Candy Corn Horn.

Put roses on it? Adorned Thorn Horn.

Watched Matt Damon in an action movie? Bourne Horn.

Cursed her bad luck? Sworn Horn.

Dumped by her boyfriend? Forlorn Horn.

Found SBJ (Sweet Baby Jebus for you sinners out there)? Reborn Horn.

Yelled about danger? Warn Horn.

Went to a funeral? Mourn Horn.

Okay, I'll shut up now. Have a good weekend, Horn Dogs.

Passing It Up or Snarkfest 2007

Being a master of tongue fu, it's often that I'll drop a little verbal barb to people. As I'm not the biggest bull goose loony on the block any more, I try to keep my pie hole shut. Sometimes.

In that vein, here's a list of what I didn't say this week. Remember kids, I didn't actually say any of these things, I just thought them.

Do you have George Strait's new album? No, we don't carry shitty music.

I didn't read that because of my colonoscopy yesterday. Did they find your head?

Dear Lord, please hear our prayers... And grant me the limitless power to smite all those who oppose my every whim.

She just graduated from massage therapy school. And is looking forward to giving handjobs for a living now.

He's a real visionary. We don't know what he's supposed to be doing around here either.

I had another good idea. That will fuck up your project.

It's Law Enforcement Appreciation Night at the ballpark. These people will be pulling you over tonight after you have all those $8.50 beers.

Spiderman 2 was way better than Spiderman 3! Because I got to see man boobs that I still fantasize about when jacking it in my Spiderman pj's.

What superpower would you want? Either choking you with my mind like Darth Vader or just teleporting the hell away from here.

Is anyone sitting here? Just me and the Lord.

Our special today... Is some nasty stuff we couldn't give away yesterday.

Instead of emailing it, we're going to have it bound and Fedexed over. Because bad ideas are so much more palatable when attractively presented.

Where are we with that? No, I haven't finished your work yet.

He's acts out because of those violent videogames. Not because I'm a lousy parent.

I just can't decide what I want. Could you equivocate on the important Ice Cream Referendum somewhere other than the exact center of the aisle?

There are probably some others, but those voices in my head stutter and sometimes it's hard to remember what they said when they all talk at once.

Does anyone else have these kind of snarky voices in their head?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Spelling Counts

A would be bank robber was caught in Waco, Texas after he handed a note fraught with grammar errors, sentence fragments and other mistakes to a teller.

His note?

Do as this note tells you to do. Don’t make me hurt no one. Cause if you do you will be this frist one I hurt. Just give me the money. Don’t give me no dye pack in it or any tracer in the money. Don’t be a fool and start any probelms. Don’t pull no alarms till I am out of here. Thank you have a nice day Merry Xmas 100's, 50s, 20s, 10s & 5's only. No 1s or change. Hurry up don’t be stalling me. I am not dumb. It only takes seconds.

It also only takes seconds to spell check.

Everyone knows the correct way to produce a note for this kind of caper is as follows:

Money in the bag, bitch. Or I blow your head off.


Mr. B. Robber

P.S. Big bills only

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog

Because I know you only come here for news of Guinness the Wonder Dog (and his never ending requests for a steak sandwich), I'll spare you and speak type of other subjects today.

How 'bout Prozac for dogs? I'm not making this up. I swear they stole this idea from Saturday Night Live.

Eli Lilly has announced new, magic pills to cure all your dog's ills called Reconcile. It's a cheweable, meat flavored pill that's a form of Prozac made for your pooch. Hmm, chewable and meat flavored? Sign me up.

Reconcile is designed to cure "separation anxiety" in your dog. Now I'm sure this is a legitimate psychological condition in your pet and not just some marketing weasel's made up technobabble just to move a lot of pills. Reconcile is designed to keep your pet from "chewing destructively, inappropriate urination and/or defecation, vomiting or worse."

I don't know how many dogs the people of Reconcile actually own, but what's worse than what's on that list? Sneak attacks while you nap? Gunplay?

I'm not a licensed dog psychologist, but I don't anthromorphize a creature who would eat his own poo and lick himself all day if we let him. The only "separation anxiety" my dog has is for his balls. My dog doesn't need Prozac but some days it seems like smoked some crack.

But if giving your dog a meat-flavored tranquilizer makes life easier for you, rock on with your bad self. But I'd try playing him some soothing music first.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I Guess We Can't Have Nice Things Dammit!

I hope you all survived Mother's Day. Because it wasn't all roses and sunshine and rainbows and happiness on Sunday. Not if you lived in Toledo anyway.

According to the Toledo Blade (best name ever for a paper by the way and I believe the only paper named for a weapon), at 3:30 pm on Mother's Day at the Golden Corral on 5730 Opportunity Drive a fracas, ruckus, and/or brawl broke out ruining the day for Golden Corraling Toledo Moms.

Allegedly, a 56 year old woman requested a 24 year old woman to quiet her 1-year-old child who was sitting in a high chair and screaming. When the guttersnipe didn't quiet down, the older woman shouted at the baby to shut up. Then it was on. The younger lady lunged at the older woman and began punching her. Apparently thinking it was part of the Mother's Day tradition, others joined in the fight which lasted about 10 minutes. The cops soon arrived and broke it all up.

Despite the melee, some customers did leave with carry out boxes as they walked to their cars. Hey, it's going to take a lot more than a few fisticuffs to put Meemaw off her feed on her special day. It is all you can eat you know.

Oh, and four of the five people arrested have pled not guilty. You might want to print this out for future reference in case next year's Mother's Day plans don't go well. If Mom's standing there silently judging you and your sisters, you can always yell, "At least a brawl didn't break out!" And you'd have proof.

Quote of the story: "I couldn't believe it," Thelma Oliver said. "This is supposed to be Mother's Day. It's just a crying shame." Couldn't have put it better myself, Thelma.

Remember to make your reservations early for Dan's Duke It Out Drive-In for Father's Day.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Your Momma Don't Rock

It's not just Mother's Day today (Hi, Mom).

Yes, I'm lucky enough to still have my Mom around and even though she just had hip surgery on Tuesday, I'm sure she can still break a foot off in your ass if you talk badly about her baby boy. Yes, even in my forties, I'll always be the last kid. Hope you liked the flowers.

It's also World Cocktail Day. Shouldn't every day be Cocktail Day? I know it is at the Kennedy Compound.

I will confess to not knowing that there was a Museum of the American Cocktail. And shouldn't it just be a bar and not a museum? There's probably some kind of insurance break if you claim it's a museum instead of a bar.

So get your drink on, kids and then plant a big, sloppy wet kiss on Mom's cheek as you slur, "I love you, man" to her.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Since I'm Going to Hell Anyway

Because this post will concern the subject of religion, if you're easily offended by this type of discussion, please feel free to quit reading now.

They gone? Okay.

To: The Jebus Freaks Who Insist On Early Morning Prayer Meetings
From: The Quiet One Just Trying to Read
Re: Your Conduct

Having been raised properly in the Midwest, I am not a verbally expressive man. One should know that denial can get you through most any socially awkward situation.

I also understand that you are so filled with the faith and power of Sweet Baby Jesus (SBJ) that you can't possibly wait to talk about it with your close circle of friends/cultists.

Unless you want me to start making omelettes in your church, shut the fuck up with the Sunday school/prayer circle in my restaurant.

Wow, that felt good. Yes, I know SBJ loves me. He made bacon.

And because you believe in Jesus, you have to forgive me. Sucks to be you.



Thursday, May 10, 2007

Karma Chameleon

Dear Reverand Bacon Al:

Karma, like gravity, is a harsh mistress.

Enjoy the view of the gigantic wheel of karma rolling back around and eventually crushing you.

If you really want to be President, you've got to be a better liar than that. You've got to delude yourself enough to believe it's the truth, and then keep repeating it.

Watch out for that "one Mormon." He managed to pull off the Winter Olympics in a desert you know.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

And All's Right With the World

In a move that surely must warm the cockles of PR hacks everywhere, Paris has rehired her Publicist, Elliot Mintz. Yes, the same guy she just got rid of a few days ago and whom she blamed for her 45 day sentence for violating the terms of her probation. Just because your client is a celebretard and you have to hold her hair while she vomits, that's no reason for high priced talent to take it in the neck when that celebretard screws the pooch. That's just a saying, not an idea for a new video, Paris.

It's always nice to see BFF's kiss and make up.

And in a stunning move, Paris has decided to go all grass roots and try to get a pardon from the Governator. I'm not making this up. Even though she's not on death row (but that sounds like a pretty good idea), she has an online petition requesting that people sent a letter to get her out of her 45 day sentence. Because if America's number 1 Party Girl with no talent goes to jail, we all die a little.

Not really. Paris is just our generations Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's famous just for being famous. And no one could ever figure out why because it's not like she ever did anything.

It's here, if you want to read it. But if you sign it, don't bother ever coming back here.

Monday, May 07, 2007

And Justice For All

I'm not sure where you come down on the whole celebrity justice thing, but at least she didn't kill anyone. Yes, I'm talking to you O.J. and Phil.

But firing your publicist in a lame attempt to cover your ass? That's where we'll have to agree to disagree.

If you can't trust your PR Flack to give you legal advice, who can you trust?

Other people you shouldn't take advice from are below:

  • Alberto Gonzales Magic 8 ball
  • Kate Moss Diet Plan
  • Martha Stewart Ouija board
  • George Bush Executive Dart Board
  • Robert Blake Tarot Cards
  • Rosie O'Donnell Crystal Ball
  • Tracy Morgan tea leaves
  • Britney Spears 2 Step Program
  • Lindsay Lohan Acting Classes
  • Wesley Snipes Tax Planning
  • Isaiah Washington Diversity Training
  • Wise ass blogger relationship advice

Wait a minute. Forget that last one.

Friday, May 04, 2007

My Kingdom For a Controller

We all know kids hate learning. Sure, we could make it fun and interesting, but what's the point of that. Kids need to force fed the driest, most mundane minutae about things like history and then we'll test them on their ability to spew forth the smallest and least important facts. At least that's how we did it in the Old School Daze.

But some genius has the idea that we can trick kids into learning Shakespeare with a video game.

The best way to learn anything about Shakespeare is to read the play. Don't ever let it be read allowed in school. Everyone read quietly to themselves. And don't even think about going to see a live performance or even, heaven forbid, a DVD of a performance. Nope, make those kids sit there, read quietly to themselves and then pick up a Cliff's Notes to figure out what the hell just happened.

That's how Shakespeare got rammed down my throat. So while I have some slight appreciation for The Bard fostered by my English teacher, we got stuck reading all the weird stuff: the histories and the tragedies. To this day I still don't understand Romeo and Juliet, but I get West Side Story.

So to help the kids get their leanin' on, I came up with a few video game titles that will help them be a bit more culturally rounded:
  • Super MacBeth Brothers
  • Falstaff's Funktastic Free For All
  • Prospero's Perilous Party
  • Puck Parappa the Rappa
  • Romeo's Radical Racing
  • Juliet's Jazzy Jumping Jamboree
  • Shylock's Shifting Shekels
  • Hamlet's Harrowing House of Horrors
  • Guitar Hero Goneril
  • Edgar's Exciting Exposition
  • Iago's Imminent Implosion
  • Halo Horatio
  • Super Sebastian the Hedgehog

More likely these whippersnappers would just rather get all stabby on Caesar while they slowly snuck up on him from behind.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Hickory Dickory Trickery

This has to be the headline of the week:

Woman 'tricked into sex' by penis cream treatment
In Haverfordwest, a Syrian pilot convinced a schoolteacher to have sex with him over a 9 month period ostensibly for the purposes of applying a medicinal ointment.
Now I don't want to point fingers here (or anything else for that matter), but in my personal experience, it's difficult to trick a woman into having sex. Oh, sure, you can pretend to listen and have feelings, but you can't actually use Jedi Mind Tricks on her just to get the old beast with two backs. But when you're just cuddling together and spooning and you accidentally hit her in the back, you both know the jig is up (so to speak). Whenever someone says they got pregnant "accidentally," I always ask if they were walking down the street and fell into some sperm.
If I had progeny, I'd be a little worried about the quality of education in Haverfordwest. I hope she doesn't teach Health. "It began to dawn on her that he had devised this treatment in order to have sex with her on his terms." And that breaking of dawn took 9 months.
The accused pilot, Fadi Sbano, is also charged with "obtaining money by deception." So not only was our schoolteacher allowing Fadi to have sex with her, but she was also paying him for the medicine. And if that's really how topical ointments were applied, everyone would go into the medical field. Because if you're using a clock to time yourself and it's between one and ten minutes, you're obviously a little too "anxious for a cream to be applied." Try thinking about baseball.
I don't know where Fadi is right now, but he should definintely give up flying and go into Sales.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Guide to Summer Movies

It's almost upon us. Yes, the time we'll sit through crummy movies just to enjoy air conditioning. And knowing that, the studios pump out the drek to make us endure their lack of creativity. So here is a brief recap of what you can expect for this Summer.

Spiderman 3: In this installment of the crime fighting franchise, Joel Spiderman (pronounced spi derr MUHN) CPA is on the case of some villians who willingly misclassify uncovered business expenses as legitimate expenditures. Joel also changes from a blue pinstripe suit to a black pinstripe suit in a move that has all the fanboys excited.

Surf's Up: A movie about penguins? It'll never work. Who wants to watch a penguin? Apparently everyone.

Live Free or Die Hard: John McLain's retirement community is taken over a foreign conglomerate. Several thrilling golf cart chases involve the parking lot of a Luby's and people jockeying for handicapped spots in time for the Early Bird.

28 Days Later: British accents + zombies = The Royal Family

Hairspray: John Travolta in drag? A guy in a dress have never been done before.

Ratatouille: The last rat cartoon got Flushed Away pretty quickly. Just rewatch Toy Story.

Ocean's 13: They're not even going to attempt to have a plot in this one. Just relax and enjoy pretty men walking around Las Vegas in expensive suits. If you take your girlfriend to this movie, she'll be silently cataloging in her head all your physical shortcomings.

The Bourne Ultimatum: His ultimatum? I'm not going to pay a lot for this car insurance. Seriously, who knew that Damon + Action = $$$$ while Affleck + Action = Reindeer Games?

Knocked Up: Seth Rogan finally figured out if he quit giving all the best lines to Steve Carrell, he could make some money too.

Shrek the Third: Just because you're pimping for Mars Inc.'s Snickers and M&M's candy; PepsiCo Inc.'s Sierra Mist drink; Kellogg Co.'s Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its and Keebler cookies and McDonald's doesn't mean you can't be healthy too. At least according to the Department of Health & Human Services.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix: In this more accurate depiction of British boarding schools, Ron finally gives Harry the rogering he so richly craves and deserves.

The Simpsons Movie: Why are you going to pay to see a show that's on 27 times a week in syndication? Yes, I'm going. D'oh!

Transformers: With Michael Bay at the helm, I'm guessing they'll be a few more explosions than well-developed characterizations in this one. Giant robots are always a draw though. So rent The Iron Giant instead.

Evan Almighty: Steve Carell gets a free pass on anything he wants to do.

License to Wed: Yay, John Krasinski (Jim) from The Office. Less of a yay, Robin Williams. A little Robin Williams go a long way.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Isn't there some kind of threshold standard you have to achieve before you can make a sequel? Proff that people will see any piece of shit if Jessica Alba is scantily clad.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Trilogy's End: In the extras of the second movie, we learn from the screenwriters that filiming began before the script was complete. Yeah, we could tell. Johnny Depp's inspiration for Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. Keith Richards has a cameo. Will he be able to manage a line?