Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I'm still pissy about having to do a bunch of work on SARS communication plans at one of my prior jobs. What a complete waste of time? Guess what, kids? People get sick and get the flu all the time. And because the media doesn't understand science, they use fearmongering and panic to get you to watch the news.
Guess the headline "Thousand Die From Regular Flu Anyway" isn't quite as eye catching.
Did we say 150 people died from Swine Flu? We meant 7. Thanks World Health Organization. You're better off getting your medical advice from Pete Townsend. Just don't let him borrow your computer. It might at least be a little entertaining had we not already done this before.
I wish I could say it as well as Drew, the guy from Fark:
Here's why you shouldn't panic:
- The Mexican Government estimates that 86 people (or more) have died from Swine Flu. Okay, that's tragic. But why the hell are we taking their numbers at face value? For starters, if you read the fine print the death numbers being tossed around are estimates. There are 18 confirmed deaths so far. Which ain't awesome, but it's a damn sight better than a hundred.
- In quite a few articles I've read, I've seen statements to the effect of researchers aren't sure why the cases in the US and Canada appear to be milder than the ones in Mexico and none have resulted in death. I know we'd all like to pretend that Mexico has its act together, but last time I checked Mexico was a third world country with third world healthcare. Do the math.
- Speaking of no one having died in the US and Canada, not only has no one in a first world country died from Swine Flu yet, but so far no one's even rumored to be in danger of dying. And most of the confirmed cases got better on their own after a few days at home. EVERYBODY PANIC
- It is no doubt a source of great disappointment to MSM that they can't add that Swine Flu is "drug resistant" or "there's no known cure". Because it's neither, it responds to Tamiflu and other treatments. Yes, I realize there are distribution hurdles in the event of a huge outbreak, but currently it's not an issue and I don't expect it will become one.
PS: if anyone is offended by my portrayal of the Mexican Government and their suckasstic healthcare system as a bunch of 3rd world incompetent boobs, which they are, you'll get over it.
You won't see this discussion in MSM because, as humans, we're primed to act on fear. It's human nature. MSM is a reflection of what people are reacting to, not a reflection of what's actually going on in the world. People click the hell out of fearmongering articles, so MSM keeps running them. That, and no MSM outlet wants to be the guys who "didn't see it coming". Buncha pansies.
The problem with making fun of MSM pandemic reporting is that eventually there's going to be a pandemic. You don't have to be Nostradamus to make that call, it's as likely as War, Famine, Taxes, and me drinking beer after dinner (or during). So, although I put myself at risk of contracting "Long Term Idiot Stigma" by saying it, let me be the first to tell you this ain't the big one.
Frankly, until this starts to impact bacon production or the basketball playoffs, I'm just going to ignore it.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Somewhere Joey Harrington is still in a fetal position rocking back and forth and whispering "The horror, the horror."
If only the Onion didn't hit it right on the head.
Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf
But then they could have pretty much gone with any Lions quarterback since Erik Kramer for this joke. And just off the top of my head that list includes: Andre Ware, Chuck Long, the previously mentioned My Pal Joey, Scott Mitchell, Rodney Peete. I'm sure there are others.
But seriously, kids. If you're sitting around today and find yourself watching the draft, you may need a support group. Or at the very least two dogs who want to go outside and run around until they're about to drop. And then run around for at least a half hour more. Give me a call, I'll let you have them for a few hours. Think of them as an exercise machine with fur.
Friday, April 24, 2009
And this video for Cleveland is in no way inspired by the Cavaliers absolutely kicking the hell out of the Pistons in the playoffs this year. That Billups for Iverson trade certainly worked out for everyone involved. Enjoy your trophy, Lebron. I'm rooting for you a lot more than I am for Kobe. But then I guess I have a bit of a problem with rapists going free. I haven't forgotten, Kobe, even if Laker fans have. Hey, I may bring a pair of women's panties to Sunday's game and try to throw them on the court when you get introduced.
Okay, enough of my Kobe rant. Back to Cleveland, kids. Book your plane tix now.
There really is a lot to do in Cleveland. The Tribe, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and chicken wing places. Or the tour of the Christmas Story home.
But I'm still laughing my ass off at this vid.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
If you're lucky enough to be near Chicago today, hope you're having fun. Because it's Talk Like Shakespeare Day. I'm sure this won't get old at all. Just like Talking Like a Pirate.
I know, it always sneaks up on you. Barely time enough to buy all the presents and get the tree up. Make sure you take the time out to take the kids to the parade and sit on Bill's lap. Some traditions have to endure. Just like the Dude.
Luckily, Chicago has everything else taken care of so they can go ahead and focus on Sweet William's words of wisdom. Which probably means that the Bleacher Creatures will be chanting "Thou Sucketh" to the opposing team at Wrigley.
Granted most everyone knows about Shakespeare is what they learned from the musical Hamlet episode of Gilligan's Island or Atomic Shakespeare on Moonlighting. But some of us were lucky enough to get the Bard shoved down our throats quite a bit. That only sounds dirty. But it comes in handy all the time.
Can you imagine anything more romantic than getting down on a knee, pulling out one of those flashy engagement rings and using a couplet or three to propose to your prospective proposee?
Canst thou seeth love in my life
If thou consent to be my wife?
If problems come, twill not matter
Ere we stay in iambic pentameter.
I'm telling you guys, Niagra Falls. And the Canadian side, where it looks bigger.
So when someone cuts you off today on the Dan Ryan, don't give them the finger. Simply roll down the window and give them a Shakespearean Insult:
"Thou ungrateful Turk! Thou whey faced loon!"
Enjoy the day, kids.
Hope you're not one of those ancillary characters who gets stuck with all the exposition.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
And while I greatly appreciate [F]oxymoron's comment that live blogging whilst gambling would make for great reading,
that would simply have taken more industry, technology and sobriety of which I was able.
Instead, I present to you inane and insightful (sometimes both at the same time) ramblings scribbled upon cocktail napkins, betting slips and those cards for the women they try to force on you as you roam The Strip.
-- I'm playing a little game I call Douchebag and Hoor. See if you can find this couple in your town!
-- The Imperial Palace is really showing it's age. And that's just the cocktail waitresses! Hiyo. I'm here all week. No wait, just for another two days.
-- $6 for a bottle of Miller Lite!? Steve Wynn can lick my taint. If I have to pay minibar prices at the main bar, I'm going to drink in my underwear just like if I was in my overpriced Encore room.
-- If you're a celebrity impersonator and you actually have to wear a name tag telling people which celebrity you're supposed to be, you might want to work on your card dealing skills.
-- 4 Sixes! WooT!
-- There is no way the Utah Spazz stay within 12 points of the Lakers.
-- Why does Mac King have Monday off? Now I have to drink and keep gambling. Damn.
-- The Star Trek slot machine did not boldly go where no man had gone before. It did, however, beam up $20 much too quickly.
-- A scroungy looking guy came up to me and asked for money for a bus ticket. I asked how I could know he wouldn't just take $20 and go gamble with it. His answer? "Oh, I got gambling money."
-- Drinking your way down the strip is a good way to lose weight.
-- Lakers 113, Spazz 100. Thank you for the $, Kobe.
-- I just bought the Wife a monkey. He looks housebroken.
-- $10 to look at Ferrari parts? No wonder, Wynn is loaded. Good money if you can make it I guess.
-- Why is the stupid horse racing game only at the MGM grand? Even more depressing, I'm good at it.
-- I'm a sucker for long shots? 200 to 1? I'm in for a buck.
-- Nine a.m. is not too early for a hot dog. A real Vienna hot dog at that.
-- Damn. I'm going to miss Brittney's concert. Well, I'm not really going to miss it.
-- Three shrimp is really not enough for an appetizer, Emeril. Is it bad form to order 4 of these at a time?
-- I used to T.A. a stat class for God's sakes. Why can't I win any money at craps today?
-- It's really sad that all the money I won was playing the Star Wars penny slot machine. Even more depressing is that the Japanese tour group had gathered around to watch me destroy the Death Star. Yes, the Force is strong with this one.
-- $300 bucks in pennies would be pretty funny to carry around. In a wheelbarrow up and down the Strip.
-- The Tequila Goddess should really be able to summon tequila from her nipples. Just saying.
-- If there's anything funnier than sneaking into the midst of a Japanese tourist group and doing your Godzilla impression, I don't know what it is. Why don't they stampede like in the movies?
-- Is this pool warm from the oppressive sun or the swim up black jack table?
-- I'm up at 4:00 am because I woke up. Those people at the bar are up at 4:00 am because they're still up.
-- There's a guy asleep in the hall in front of the door next to mine. And he's wearing a sports coat. Stay classy, Vegas!
-- This drive home is a lot longer than the drive down. Luckily thinking about all this bootleg liquor bought in Nevada and avoiding the oppressive Utah tax code makes it a happy drive.
That's it, kids. I'm out of cocktail napkins. Happy Earth Day!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Someone is probably stealing that weatherman story right now.
Buy it already. Please note, I'm not Bill Scheft in my real life. I just think we need to support the artists who put out good stuff. Which isn't too many last time I checked.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
My biggest worry is that now that we have Canine One, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies. And then in 6 months, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies at the shelter.
That's him being Lord of All He Surveys down at the day care.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Ah, what an auspicious day. Tax day and more. But the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't convene every year to try to make death worse.
Lest, I get off on a rant here, on to the real business.
Reason #583 to Lurve Utah:
Our Literary Readings
That's right today you can take in two of our esteemed authors.
First up, Dooce is at The King's English to read from her book, It Sucked and Then I Cried. It's at 7:00 tonight so you'd better hurry.
Second, and by no means secondary, Marie Osmond will be signing her new book Might As Well Laugh About it Now at Deseret Book on the 17th.
Can you guess which author I want to see most? Which I want to boo most?
That's right. Both. In Heather's case, it's just professional jealousy. In Marie's just envy of her dancing skillz.
Go read something good instead, kids.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I love going out to breakfast. It probably stems from my inability to time everything required for an in home breakfast to come out in anything other than a successive wave of food. Toast, eggs, potatoes at the same time? Forget about it. That's beyond my culinary skillz.
And I love going out for breaky despite our long running national battle with The Bacon Shortage. I mean, there must be a shortage. How else can you explain only getting 2 pieces of bacon at a time? We're rationing.
And Easter breakfast is especially good.
Because I get to use my favorite joke of the year when the waitress asks me how I want my eggs:
"Easter. And can you hide them from me?"
Even better, this never gets anything other than a confused look from her. It's like a law. A powerful federal law. Not one of those wimpy little state laws.
Now I've got to finish my omelet before I go get another one.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
If you don't remember it (because it's almost as old as me) it's below. Unless that code is being wonky again, in which case go here to refresh your recollection.
The best part of this is that Canadian comedian (known officially as a Canedian) Greg Morton had just done a new song on the Bob & Tom show to this same tune. You may already know Greg from his entire encapsulation of Star Wars.
To to the tune of Spiderman (or Spiderpig if you follow the Simpsons) here it be:
Biologically, something's wrong
Has six kids, wants 8 more
She's a narcissistic, greedy whore
Here comes the Octomom
Please prescribe her a wake up pill
How can she possibly
Feed those kids
And go pee?
There goes the Octomom
It was in the news
She has no job
And no spouse
But with interviews
She can buy
A new house
She thinks babies
Moved to my neighborhood
Privacy, gone for good
There goes the Octomom.
She's Nadya Sulemaaaaaannnnnnnnn
Now I've got to put on a cape and hop around on the couch like I have super powers.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Well thanks to the commies in North Carolina, we're going to be forced to sell the Great Lakes to Canada. If only MSU had won the ball game. Oh, well. I'm sure we'll all soon get used to drinking our own urine out of the recyclers soon.
How bad is it in Michigan now? Well, we're arguing about Bull Mastiff sperm. In divorce court of course.
It's true. In Oakland County (that's the ritzy suburb outside of Detroit) a couple is arguing over who owns the sperm of their three dogs Cyrus, Reg and Romeo. Go figure Romeo is a lover and not a fighter.
So when you think maybe your job really sucks this weekend. Just remember that you could be harvesting Bull Mastiff semen in Michigan.
Man, and my dogs follow me all over the house now. Isn't the dog supposed to be man's best friend? But that probably is one way to get your dog to finally quiet down and take a nap. Hope they don't let those Big Sweeties smoke afterward.
I'll spare you any lame jokes about divorce cases being a real dog fight. You're welcome.
Have a good weekend, kids.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
But I've been giving advice (mostly bad and mostly for women) for years now. And still haven't been sued. Knock wood. And I've been advocating giving the shiny stuff to your squeeze for years now.
So when I see that a site that sell jewelry has Tips For Guys, I'm a little skeptical. If you don't know what kind of necklace to get for your sweetie, what do you think a jewelry site is going to tell you. The bigger, the better, right?
Surprisingly, it's a real soft sell. And no, their love isn't tainted. You're welcome to the both of you that got that joke.
Realistically, you should just pick whatever jewelry you'll ultimately be handing out by color. Don't get hung up on the kind of stone. No, it isn't appropriate to use a Sharpie to make those inexpensive pearls into the black kind. Personally, that Stainless Steel Sharpie is just as handy as some earrings. What are you going to write the license plate down with when that car speeds away from the bank after robbing it? Not earrings, that's for sure.
And I like the advice on engagement rings. "Chill, dude. She's probably going to say yes." Umm, I'd like to introduce these guys to my cousin Judy. She did say yes. Until she got to the alter. Oops. The absolute closest I've ever come to being in a real life sitcom. Chill, dude, indeed.
Just remember, diamonds are forever. And so are the payments.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Which bring us to Reason #429 to Love Utah: Minor League Baseball
Granted it's still a little brisk out here, kids.
Which is why this Friday is Bees Stocking Cap Night.
Nothing says Boys of Summer like needing to bundle up in a parka, mittens and stocking cap for the game. And those mittens make it tough to hang on to your hot dog.
Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the Thirsty Thursday promotion. But then I'm a baseball purist.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
And Sweet Baby Jebus can heal of course.
But I never knew he could do triage.
Now you may be wondering, "T2ed, aren't you worried about going to hell for making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus?"
First, no. I've had my front row seats in hell for a long time. And that's where all the rock and roll music is going to be. Where do you think all the rockers are going to be? Enjoy the harp music in heaven, losers.
Second, I'm not making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus. I'm making fun of the marketing sleezemonkey who is using religion to make a buck. Off knock off bandages that are probably chock full 'o Chinese lead. Because you know those bandages won't even cure your psychosomatic stigmata.
But if religious themed medical prods are going to be the next marketing weasel rage, may I humbly submit the following:
- Buddha Band-Aids
- Rasta Man Rubbers
- Methodist of Magnesia
- Cathaholics Anonymous
- Latter Day Saints Latex Gloves
- Jehovah's Witnesses Walker
- Shintoist Shower Chair
- Allah Air Purifier (smells just like Mecca!)
- Pagan Pill Organizer
- Taoist Thermometer
- Sikh Stethoscope
- Christ on a Crutch Crutches
Feel free to play along at home, kids.
Hope that was suitably offensive to everyone and no one got left out. If you've somehow managed not to be offended, there's always tomorrow.
And now I'm going to have Frank Z. stuck in my head all day.
Monday, April 06, 2009
The final game of the Final Four is tonight. And luckily, the State of Michigan's very own Michigan State Spartans are playing in the finals.
And if you haven't been watching the games, you're letting the terrorists win.
Because the story is, no matter what is going on in the game, that Michigan State is playing for the entire State and the entire U.S. economy. And I thought they just wanted to win or something so they can get even more money and fast cars and cheerleader tail. But no, they're an inspiration and you will be inspired dammit!
How bad has it gotten in Michigan? Well they've started to steal horse hair.
In Livingston County, Michigan, some cut off the manes and tails of an "undetermined number of horses." You've got to admit that times are really, really tough when you don't even know many bald horses you own. And apparently can't even be bothered to try to count them. I'm sure these bandits won't evade the police furlong. Mr. Ed is already being sought for questioning. Hay, wait a minute. This sounds like a load of crap.
Now I don't know what kind of sick perverts live in Michigan. Actually I do. They're called cousins. But when some struggling artist type goes all Sweeney Todd on some poor equine just to be able to make some brushes, things are bad. Which is why you have to be rooting for Michigan State tonight. At least if you believe the media. Which you shouldn't.
But the other good thing about this week is that baseball starts. That's right, the Cubs are moving into their second consecutive century of finding new and creative ways to disappoint their fans.
And the Masters begins. Which is on CBS if you hadn't noticed the incessant commercials during the basketball. And some guy named Tiger is playing. Never heard of him. But if you are rooting for Tiger, you might also want to cheer for Bill Gates to make money.
So enjoy the rest of the sporting week, kids. Hockey playoffs next week. My condolences.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
In Belgrade, Serbia a woman had to have a two hour surgery to remove a pine cone. From her nether regions. And the article is completely silent about whether liquor was involved. I can't imagine it wasn't.
At least it was the front yard and not the back yard as one of my friends explained.
Just a couple of rules, kids.
Don't play around down there with power tools.
Don't play around down there with anything you find in the forest.
Even if it's a really nice lumberjack.
There are plenty of specifically designed products out there for you.
And the best The Sun could do was "a tree mendous time" and "seedy shame?" Talk about mailing it in. No wonder the newspaper industry is in so much trouble.
May I submit the following nonsense to help out The Sun when the inevitable copycat incidents occur:
- Woman celebrates Arbor Day Early
- Planting Your Tree in a New Place
- Coney Hog
- A Cone in the Hand is not worth two in the Bush
- Is that a pine cone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
- Nasty Nature Nails Nymphette
- Belgrade Boffo Over Birch Buds
- Craft Project Goes Horribly Wrong
- I think that I shall never see a thing as sexy as a tree
- Cub Fan, Bud Woman
- Forest Fun Fells Frisky Female
- Cootchie Catching Cone
- Naughty By Nature Lover
- Painful Pinecone Pentrates Prickly Pair
- Teasing Tree Triggers Triage
- Sexy Serbian Stuck, Now Sycamore in Surgery
I know. It's been so long since we had a list.
On the positive side, she'll no longer need an air freshener in her car for a long, long time.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
Wow, cheap short jokes instead of boobie jokes. This is progress?
Now I'm going to have to finish up that St. Joseph University Online Management Certificate Program and get my act in gear. I'm definitely going to need that CAPM certificate because I'm going to have a lot of irons in the fire.
Sure that degree is typically for Engineering Managers, Construction Managers, and other various and sundry management types. But a snarky Marketing whiz with a Masters in Tonguefoolery can get one too.
And I'm going to really, really need it. Because I've got the Xbox People, the Sony Playstation 3 people and the Wii People (they're really small) locked in an auction for my next new product launch. I'm not certain what exactly it'll be, but I've narrowed it down.
- Banjo Hero
- Tuba Hero
- Kettle Drum Hero
- Xylophone Hero
- Groupie Hero
- Triangle Hero
- Harmonica Hero
- Concert Promoter Hero
- Cannon Hero (you really only work on National Holidays)
- Cello Hero
- Roadie Hero
- Trombone Hero
- Bagpipe Hero
- Record Business Weasel Hero (turns out you don't do anything actually)
They're all sure to be extremely popular.
We were also going to have an Illegal Download Hero, but the Napster people put the kibosh on that.
Keep practicing kids. There's no greater rush than finally being able to play Flight of the Bumblebee on Expert Mode on Accordion Hero.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
That's what you get for picking a topic like the St. Xavier's online Master of Arts in Curriculum and Instruction to write about.
I know. I should know better. But that's why I'm up to the challenge. I'm able to make any subject into an inappropriate joke. And not just about breasticles. Yes, it's both a gift and a curse.
Now I'm not Catholic. But I do like drinking and Bingo. A great game that combines the all the excitement of the lottery with smoking and frustration.
But the MS Curriculum is legit. Not like Bagpipe Hero. As far as you know.
The online Master of Arts in Curriculum and Instruction gets you ready for continued development as a master teacher in schools or other instructional institutions. No word on whether they also give you a whip. Personally, I always thought the most important part of being a teacher was excellent peripheral vision. Key components of this program include focus on literacy, diversity, integration of technology and an interdisciplinary perspective in education.
Luckily, I don't have to worry about people ever leaving their children with me for education about the way the world really works. Because I'll do things like wander the toy aisle and look at the guns and loudly declare:
I'll bet with a gun like that I could shoot my Sister right in the eye. And if anybody tried to tell me I couldn't have a gun, I'd yell as loud and as long as I could until they finally bought it for me.
Yeah, I'm helpful like that.
Also not making a single bit of that up.
But if you don't want your urchins educated about how to win ambulance rides and influence parents, you probably shouldn't let them wander around Target alone.
And you can also thank me for when he draws a moustache on Daddy whilst he's napping.
I really thought the best part of having a kid was getting to take him or her to a baseball game and fill them to the brim with warm orange soda and cotton candy. Then when they fall asleep in the car on the way home, you get to carry them into the house while their head wobbles all over the place.
That and training them to bring you beer without shaking the bottle up. Because once they learn what shaking a beer up does to you, it's pretty much over.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
If you're not as up on your hoops as some, those old dudes are (from order of entrance) Mike Kryzkrychaklv;eai3jaerklaj (Coach K from Duke), Rick Pitino (from Louisville), Roy Williams (from North Carolina) and Bobby Knight (from ESPN via New Mexico and Indiana).
Now try getting that image of Bobby Knight in his underoos out of your head the rest of the day.
Me, I'm still saving my pennies for the day that Accordian Hero finally comes out for the Xbox 360 just like I predicted.