The Tender Trap

As a regular reader, you're acquainted with the many, many times I've pointed out our long, long obsession with breasts. That this also makes me giggle should in no way undermine the serious, serious nature of the issue. Which is why I so lovingly write of the Cleavacious.

But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.

Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.

Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.

Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.

The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.

Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?

May I humbly submit:

• Treasure Chest
• Boobie Bank
• My Cup Runneth Over
• Ta Ta Travel All
• RackTastic
• Knocker Nook
• The Tranny Cranny
• Hidden Assets
• Bra-llet
• Winnebago Wad
• ChestChange
• SweaterPuppies Stash
• Co Co Carryall
• Guns No Show
• Fun Pillows Purse
• Honkers Be Hidden

I'm sure you have ideas as well, kids.

Anybody actually own one of these?

I always thought women just took the money given to them and put it in there anyway. Like in My Favorite Year when she takes the dollar bill for accordian lessons and secretes is away. You're welcome to the two of you who got that reference. Any man worth his salt would ever turn down a sweaty bill recently plucked from the midst of your undercarriage.

And a tip of the cap to Froggie for passing knowlege of this wonderful product along. Keep those stupid ideas coming!

Double Shot (of My Baby's Love)

Viva la revolucion! We have prevailed! Well not we, per se, as I was off being a slackass in San Diego when all this was going on. But you get the point. Or maybe you don't. Let's start at the beginning. Yes, I know, a very good place to start. Shut it.

Some women in England were complaining that Marks & Spencer had been charging higher prices for bras that were bigger.

I know! How long has this been going on? Except maybe at Target or Land's End or any other store in the world that gouges you 2$ for the XXL size that lets you feel skinny again.

Anyway, Marks & Spencer was charging an extra $3 for any bra that was size DD or larger. So some full-figured gals started a group called Busts 4 Justice on Facebook. I'm sure a group of large-breasted women had a lot of trouble making some friends or getting any attention on the internet. Why I just did a Google search on the internet for big breasts, and I couldn't find anything.

Anyhoo, Marks & Spencer couldn't stand all the hullaballoo and scrutiny and Facebooking and free public relations, so they caved in and big breasted women can now get their bras at the same price as non-big breasted women. You can have my big bra when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. That's still second base unless a lot has changed since I was younger. And it has.

Quote of the story: "They didn't want a lot of big-breasted women storming their meeting."

Yeah, I think we can all agree that Mssrs. Marks & Spencer would have hated that. "Quick, big-breasted women are attempting to storm our meeting. Bar the doors! We don't want to let any big-breasted women in here."

It's just good to see that big-breasted women are taking this important step forward. Because women with big breasts have been oppressed for so long. Never being able to get parts in movies or get men to pay attention to them or get out of a traffic ticket. I'm sure all the small-breasted women are just as excited that big-breasted women are finally getting their equal treatment.

Now I've got to get to my Cleavacious sales presentation for Mr. Marks and Mr. Spencer.

I Wonder

How in the hell was I not informed of this? And it's only a day. Really, it should be a month. Maybe all Summer long just to be on the safe side.

And I didn't even have time to put up a tree this year.

I blame the Cleavacious people. They really ought to be sponsoring this kind of activity in North America for crying out loud. They'd have lots and lots of volunteers to help. Though they'd probably all be men.

This is exactly the type of holiday we need. Especially when people's spirits and the economy both need a lift.

See, you can relax. We're back to our regularly scheduled cheap boobie jokes.

So relax and enjoy National Cleavage Day. I've got to get a cheap flight to New Zealand.

Batdance or Batusi?

In Norwich, England, 19 year old Abbie Hawkins discovered a bat in her bra. This is not made up. Bonus points to The Telegraph for featuring a gratuitous photo of a young lady in a bra with a fake bat.

Anyhoo, Abbie thought the vibrating she felt in her clothes was just her phone. Hmm, the women I know who are used to feeling a vibration, don't mistake it for their phone. Abbie went to work at 7:30 and didn't discover the bat until around noon! Apparently, that vibration had been going on for quite some time. If you find a bat in your bra, does that make you...wait for it....a B cup?

Abbie finally investigated in her snugglepuppy holder and discovered the tiny bat while she was at work at the Holiday Inn Norwich North. And the hotel GM set the bat free in the garden. While I do not often encounter the Holiday Inn in Norwich North during my business travels, I would check for bats very carefully before I got into bed or hopped on any treadmills in that hotel.

Now I have experienced a bat in my house (though not my bra) and that particular interloper was not set free. He was rather served with a tennis raquet out the door. An ace from which he did not recover.

I'm very amazed that young Abbie had the presence of mind to capture the bat alive. If I had been forced to investigate a vibrating undergarment and found vermin therein, the reaction would have been decidedly more active and vocal. And fecal.

If Abbie just went with the Cleavacious, she could have probably have just released the bat naturally.

The Telegraph does refer to this as a Bat Bra. Now, I'm no comic book geek, but wouldn't Batgirl have the Bat Bra? Or wouldn't the Bat Bra be what Batman used to capture his arch nemesis? You know, the Jiggler.

Yes, that was an extremely long way to go for a cheap boob joke. Mea culpa.

But the moral of the story kids is best expressed by Abbie. "I will certainly be checking my bras every morning from now on." And ladies, I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who not only will rescue you, but will willingly inspect your bra for vermin if you just ask nicely. And if you can't find a full fledged VIP (Vermin Inspection Patrol), it's probably best to be on the safe side. Never, ever wear an uninspected bra. Better safe than sorry.

Now rock out to the hardest working band in Guitar Hero Aerosmith, Commando Nipples.

Ain't No Mountains High Enough

In Germany, an American woman hiking in the Alps was stranded for three days when she fell off a ledge. Despite five helicopters and 80 emergency workers searching for her, Jessica Bruinsma wasn't rescued until she took matters into her own hands. How did she finally get rescued? Simple. She took off her bra.

Seriously, Ms. Bruinsma attached her sports bra to a cable used to move timber on the mountain. When the cable was finally operated, her bra rode the cable down the mountain where it was spotted by an alert lumberjack. Ms. Bruinsma would have been rescued sooner, but the lumberjacks were wolf-whistling and cat calling at the cable for several hours before they realized the cable would not, in fact, be showing them any more skin.

Just think if she'd have been wearing a Cleavacious bra. She'd have had lumberjacks, the German Air Force and the Greater Swiss Mountain Dog Rescue Squad there to help her.

The moral of the story: If you take your bra off, a man will soon be there to help you out of any situation. We're extremely helpful that way.

Check Those Chi Chi's

Hey, kids! October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The fine folks at Cleavacious actually have pink bras for sale this month and 5% of all proceeds go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

And things are going well enough for Inventor Extraordinaire Karey Weyenberg (who really got screwed by the Nobel Committee this year) that the Cleavacious is actually advertised in this month's O Magazine. I'm sure Karey just wanted to let me know because I'm such a big apprecianado (it's like aficionado but liking it a lot more)of her work.

But the most important part of this month is that you check yourself. Breast cancer is the most prevalent form of cancer in women. If you're not sure how to to a BSE (Breast Self Exam), there are plenty of online resources on the interwebs.

If you're not up to a self exam, ask a stranger. You won't need to shower them with lovely gifts like Skagen watches to get them to lend a hand. Or two. You'll be surprised how helpful some people are willing to be. In fact, I've got a drive thru window open all October that is being staffed with extremely helpful gentlemen who also have warm hands. I can't wait for Halloween and all the ladies who need exams come by dressed slutty up.

I think the only problem with having October be Breast Cancer Awareness Month is that the name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. And let's face it, did you really think I was going to go a whole post without boob jokes? So here are some suggestions for a better name for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

• Knocktober
• Hooterween
• Autumn Show Them More Often
• Breastacula
• Frankentitty Fest
• Month of Mammaliciousness
• Nippleriffic Night
• All Hooter's Eve
• Devil's Double D Night
• Highbeam Harvest
• Coco-tober
• Bobbing for Love Apples
• Tatatober
• All Naturals Night

Feel free to play along at home, kids!

Cleavalicious

As the self-proclaimed Poet Laureate for the Cleavacious Adjustable Bra, please enjoy this latest bastardization edition. Remember kids, great art (shut it) isn't meant to be read. It's meant to be performed. So feel free to bust this one out for your office mates. I'm sure they'll thank you for it. And you're on your own for the choreography.....

Cleavalicious (to the "tune," such as it is, of Fergalicious)

Listen up kids,
Cuz this be it
The song that I'm stealin'
Is Cleavalicious.

Cleavalicious definition make them boys go loco
Want chest treasure
So they get their pleasures from my demo
You can see the girls,
Relaxing at day.
I ain't easy,
I ain't sleazy
But the girls are up at night.
When boys just want to play.

Cleavalicious (Clevalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
This chest ain't fictitious
I just adjust it (lifting)
That shows the girls off rock, rock
And they be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

Cleavalicious (They're hot, hot)
Cleavalicious (I put the girls up rock, rock)
Cleavalicious (they wanna see what I got)
Cleavalicious (l-l-l-l-l- lusty busty)

Cleavalicious def-, Cleavalicious def-, Cleavalicious def- [def fading echo]
Cleavalicious definition not about where the Browns play
They always claim they know me
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey Stacy)
I'm the K to the A, R, E the Y the W
And can't no other lady invent it like me

I'm Cleavalicious (so delicious)
My body stay auspicious

Don't go to the doctor for a chest that is judicious

Be my witness (oooh wee)

I put yo' bra on rock rock
And boys be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So auspicious (It's hot, hot)
So auspicious (I put them up rock, rock)
So auspicious (Boyz wanna see what I got)
Cleavalicious (strap strap strap strap strap up, check it out)

Baby, baby, baby
If you really wanna boy
Honey get this new bra
And then he'll be your toy
You'll look tasty, tasty,
It's not lined with lacey
You'll look so tasty, tasty,
It'll make him crazy.

C to the H to the E S T Y girl you chesty,
B to the U to the S T and Y girl you busty
D to the E to the L I C I O U S,
to the D to the E to the, to the, to the, hit it

Whenever I lift them up
Always brothas come close up
Always looking at my cup and down
Checking out my (uuhh)
I just wanna show them now
I ain't tryin to cause a scene know what I mean
I don't wanna take your man
And I know I'm comin off just a little bit stuck up
And I keep on repeating how the girls gonna lift up
But I'm tryin' to tell,
That I'll be treated like a bombshell
Cuz' they say she

Cleavalicious (So propitious)
But I ain't promiscuous
While raisins are nutritious
This chest ain't fictitious
I just adjust it (heft)
That shows the girls off rock, rock
And they be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (got, got, got)

Four, tres, two, uno
My body stay auspicious
Even though these lyrics
Are quite repetitious (ooh wee)
I lift the girls up rock rock
And they be coming down the block
Just to see what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So Cleavalicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So Cleavaliciou (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So Cleavalicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Cleavalicious, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch chesty, chesty
It's so delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So repetitious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
And pernicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Cleavalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (aye, aye, aye, aye)

K to the A to the R E Y and W
Girl you smart,
K to the A, to the R E Y and W
Girl you impart
K to the A to the R E Y and W
Chest work of art

K to the A, to, R E Y and W

Not so hasty

K to the A, to the, to the (four, tres, two, uno)

Least I can spell tasty.

Please pity me for how many times I had to listen to that song on You Tube. And be glad I pitied you and didn't embed it. Mea culpa indeed.

Girls Gone Nationwide

I've written previously, lobbied for, and even waxed poetic about the greatest bra in the world, the Cleavacious. And yes, that is the best interactive product demonstration ever at their web site.

You may remember the adjustable Cleavacious. As one verbally gifted user said, "I love the fact I have the option - during the day you keep the girls in, and at night you break them out." As I'm not a personal user, I'll have to take her (and many anonymous commenters) word for it in the absence of photographic proof of people "breaking them out."

Flack & Proud recently got an update from the Best Inventor in the World, Karey Weyenberg about the amazing, adjustable Cleavacious bra.

It's now available online at Jaque Pennay, in New York at Macy's in, in California at Bloomingdales, in Chicago at Lord and Taylor. Next week the Cleavacious conquers Boston. In fact Karey even emailed me with the following:

I want to let you know that back in the day I really appreciated your "support" at a time when I needed an "uplift." I pray our product "blossoms."

Hey, Karey, I make the lame boobie jokes 'round these parts.

Now let me bounce another great idea off of you. You've heard of the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. How 'bout the Cleavacious Winnebago? We can help educate the 85% of the female population who wear the wrong sized bra.

I'll drive around the country handing out Cleavacious bras and compile my "research" of before and after pictures and personal stories about how the Cleavacious changed women's lives. It'll be like a Extreme Makeover Breasticle Edition. And people can show how much they love their magic Cleavacious bra by showing it to the Winnebago when it comes to your neighborhood!

There's got to be some way I can horn in on this because Cleavacious Poet Laureate hasn't really taken off like I thought it would.