Friday, May 30, 2008

Dish in the City

I can't wait for this afternoon. It's only going to be the Best. Movie. Ever.

Me and all the gal pals (of which I have none) are going to hit the coffee shop and dish about everything. Who's not talking to whom and why, which minivan is best on gas mileage, what's wrong with our mates, best place for manis and pedis, talk about how much we like make up, lipstick, and pretty little frilly things and our feelings.

Then we'll hit the matinee before we have to pick up the urchins from school.

And while I can't wait for Sex in the Suburbs, I have heard some disturbing things about the production. First, the city turns out to be Schenectady. And they could only get Sarah Jessica Parker to say her lines by rubbing peanut butter on her upper lip. And she was a little distracted during the press tour because of her upcoming preparations for the Belmont Stakes.

I always liked her more when she was just a Square Peg.

That's Supposed to Be A White Flag

Oh, Canada. I don't mean that in the national anthem sort of Oh, Canada, but rather you're our awesome neighbor to the North sort of way.

The Panties for Peace campaign is asking women to send their panties to the Myanmar embassy in Ottowa. And because I am such an advocate for world peace, here's their address:

903-85 Range Road
Ottawa, ON K1N 8J6

I'm not making this up. It's even in a real paper.

Quote of the Story: The campaign plays off regional superstitions that contact with women's panties can sap a man's power.

Now, I don't want to rain on the parade and get these panties all wet, but I don't think that phenomenon is limited to Myanmar. Sure the Myanmarites (Myanmarmmaries? Myanmarnaughts? Myanmaryouandadognamedboo?) may be a bloodthirsty, milaristic junta whose leaders delayed international aid to their own people just so they could put their names on the boxes and try to take credit for it, but we may be selling them short. They've convinced women to give them their panties by pretending to be afraid of them.

I'd like to officially go on record that I am browbeaten by bras, terrified by teddies, unnerved by underwires, intimidated by intimates, bullied by bustiers, claustrophobic from the Cleavacious, paralyzed by push-ups and threatened by thongs.

Many people realize that Myanmar is the new name for Burma which was where shaving cream advertising was invented. Most people don't know, however, that Myanmar is Burmese for "You're doing a heckuva job, Brownie."

Now I gotta run because I'm hoping to get the Wife to sap my power a couple of times this weekend. Have a good one, kids.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Reason 274

Yet another reason to lurve Utah.

The soon-to-be-ex President knows it.

You didn't fall for that whole fundraising scam did you? Nuh uh, it was to see this. The first KFC ever built. Since 1952. Suck on that, Kentucky! Check out the sweetness down on State Street.

And you know he scored some sweet t-shirts that said Finger Lickin' Good for bridesmaid gifts as belateds for Jenna's nuptials. He's classy that way.

Now I gotta go get me a 3 piece with a biscuit. Original natch. Cause I kick it old school. Yes, there are still serving the coleslaw from 1952. Stay away from it.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Yo Ho Ho

Hey, kids, it's a TwoFer Tuesday. Wait, it's already Wednesday. Dang that Monday off thing gets me every time. Then it's a Wacky Wednesday for Pirate News. All pirate news all the time. It's like being on a treadmill of pirate funny that just won't stop.

Dateline Noo Yawk, a man carrying a sword in a Macy's was arrested. And in the typical shoddy UP reporting style, they left out the most important part -- he was dressed like a pirate. On his way to a kickball game. With his girlfriend. Yes, I'm shocked he had a girlfriend. She must be a pretty tolerant sort to go out in public with him dressed like a pirate. And as she was with him on his way to a kickball game, that means she is going to watch him (and his buddies) play kickball. Clearly, this woman has no hobbies. There's supportive, then there's watching kickball. Oh, and she's 8 months pregnant with his child. That's true love when you're carrying your baby down to the kickball diamond to watch your pirate outfit wearing baby daddy.

The man claimed the kickball team wore pirate outfits when they played. This means other people dress up like pirates, go out in public and play kickball. I think we may have underestimated the amount of marijuana use in this country. Yeah, you'll be shocked to find that the man, Lawrence Jackson, had some pot on him.

The NY Post seems to be the only major media outlet that took this pirate attack on Macy's seriously. Tip of the cap for the headline Buccaneer Bust along with pictures of Lawrence and his sword. Good work, Posties!

In other Pirate News, set sail for Buffalo as Pirate Fest 2008 is coming to Evangola State Park on July 26th & 27th. Make your travel plans early as the Pirate Costume Contest and Treasure Hunt will pack them in early. Not a lot of people know that Pirates were rampant in Buffalo. They used to attack all the shipping on Lake Erie and send captives over Niagra Falls if the ransom was insufficient to slake their piratey greed.

In fact the most famous of all the Lake Erie Pirates was LeClair LePointe. He pillaged, raped, looted, raped, murdered and raped (he really liked raping) his way up and down the coast of Northern Ohio and Western New York. LePointe was very smart and used a special type of cedar wood to build his ships. This made them faster than any other ships on Lake Erie and gave him a huge tactical advantage over the government navies which pursued him.

Eventually the U.S. government was so upset at their inability to capture LePointe that they actually gave up. To placate LePointe they gave him his own sovereign state as long as he would only attack English shipping during the War of 1812. This pirate stronghold eventually was turned into a park. Which is why we now have Cedar LePointe.

Man that was a long way to go. I hope the two of you who got that joke enjoyed it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Keeping Up With The Dr. Jones's

This weekend was a whirlwind of action, adventure, derring do and home projects don’t. At least the addition of an extra day to the weekend made me feel less rushed than usual in the timetravelling feel of the typical weekend.

Time travel is real and doesn’t just exist in crappy fiction. Go to work and the clock never moves. Just like traffic. But go home for the weekend and eat breakfast and read the paper and bang it’s noon by the time you think about getting out of your jammies and/or lingerie to go down to the Sprawl Mart for something large and carnivorous to feast upon later in the day.

Anyhoo, the Wife and I had re-watched all of the Indiana Jones movies over the past week to see if we could recapture that feeling for George Lucas’s stilted dialogue and improbable plot points. That being said, if I’m ever in a plane that’s going down in the mountains, I’m jumping with the safety raft. You never know. Then on Saturday we went to the theater and saw a local production of a send up of all the Indy Movies called Indianapolis Jones and the Raiders of the Temple of the Kingdom of the Last Crusade. It was funny and the cast continuously made fun of the medium and their lame props/scenery.

Then we went to see the new flick on Sunday morning. Interestingly, this theater is so huge that two of the rooms were hosting a church service in them. I immediately wanted to claim we were going to church and then sneak into the theater, but the Wife put an end to it. I'd probably tend to be suspicious of any church that used popcorn for the communion. And anyone knows that Milk Duds do grant eternal salvation.

It was fine. I’d probably rank it as the third best of all four movies in the trilogy. An entertaining way to spend two hours and you really don’t see it coming when Indy gets killed at the end. Sorry if I gave anything away there. It’ll still be really dramatic even if you don’t see the Russians assassin squad sneaking up on him. Just relax and enjoy the movie. Indy getting killed will still be a surprise I swear.

Finally to cap off the All Indy All The Time Weekend, we dug in our yard for archeological artifacts like dog poo and Indian burial plots. I was surprised to find all those Indian headstones. Is this something I should be worried about? Some guy named D0 Not Disturb Ancient Burial Site or Cursed You Will Be was there. Man is that a funny name or what? Those Indians were really creative that way.

We did find some old bones which I just chucked over the fence to make room for the sprinkler system. Funny how there were back where we found them this morning. I'm sure it was probably the same wind which I heard moaning all night.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Attack of the Drones

In advance of the long Memorial Day weekend (check local listings and if you’re in another country than the U.S. it’s a day where we celebrate our Veterans by starting the Summer with cookouts and not working. No, it doesn’t make sense, but since we get to slack off from work, we’re not asking many questions), I submit this cautionary tale.

In Wales, a man dressed like Darth Vader attacked the founders of the Jedi Church.

I really can’t find fault with that. I mean if you’re going to dress like Darth Vader and you run into some Jedi, you sure as hell better attack them. Even if you haven’t been given Order 66.

Now a couple of things about this story and the attack.

First, Darth didn’t have a lightsaber. He used a metal crutch. So was he limping around dressed up like DV and just happened upon the Jedi’s or what? Or did he see the Jedis and grab the first thing that came to hand? And you know he summoned that crutch to him with his telekinetic powers. Do you think he did the whole kettle drum march noise before he attacked? I like to do that when I'm on my way to a lame meeting.

Second, Darth may not exactly be one of life’s winners. His cape was made out of a garbage bag. Jeez, I had a better cape than that when I was Batman. No, not last night when the Wife and I played Superhero and Damsel in Distress. It was when I was 10. As far as you know.

Third, Darth was busted when the Jedi caught him on camera beating their ass with a metal crutch. A camera they had set up to record their light saber battle. Man, if you’re a Jedi with a light saber and a garbage bag wearing Sith attacks you with only a crutch and you can’t handle him, you might want to consider a little more training from the Jedi Council. Seriously, these geeks were going to pull their own Star Wars kid and record their “battle.” Sounds to me like they deserved to get a little crutch whupping from the Dark Side. I wonder if they find my lack of faith in the Jedi Church disturbing? If they do, they should go ahead and choke me with their mind powers. I’ll use my faith in their dorkitude to block their powers.

Fourth, Darth conveniently didn’t remember attacking the Jedi because he had drank “the better part of a 10 liter box of wine.” This is probably some Sith code for “mind probe” or maybe it’s just a Jedi Mind Trick.

But seriously, kids, there is a moral to this story:

If you drink a box a wine and then put your Darth Vader costume on and find a garbage bag and go wandering around the neighborhood with your crutch/lightsaber looking for Jedi to beat up, make sure there aren’t any cameras around.

In my neighborhood we just call that Saturday. You box drinking winos know who you are. Be safe. And use a blaster and take some Stormtroopers next time.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Piss on the Wall

I love crappy advertising. I mean love, love, love it. Almost as much as I love Sharpies. Almost.

So it was with great joy that I introduce you to Petey P. Cup, the new spokesthing for HealthPartners. I'm not making this up. It's even in a real paper and not just on Facebook.

Now I've never seen a 6 foot, 11 inch pee cup in real life. Only in that nightmare I had before my prostate exam. But I don't think I'm going to be able to fill that up. Maybe one time after I drank all that orange soda at the fair.

Mr. Cup is part of a new advertising campaign that is going to be the biggest thing to hit the Twin Cities since Alan Page.

As part of the campaign, there are giant pee cups being left around the cities.

Who wants to make a bet that some drunk is eventually going to really try to use one of these? Hope it's only number one and he's not trying to bust a grumpy. Okay, how about odds that he plays for the Vikings?

But probably the most important thing is ladies, he's single. Hope you like the smell of vinegar.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Whip It Good

Unless you don't own a fedora and a whip, you probably know that Indiana Jones and the Last Chance to Make a Buck starts this weekend. And because of their love of adventure and action, Cannes film goers got the first chance to see the fourth movie of the trilogy.

Luckily, I was able to trade some information with my extensive information network and get the scoop from my French counterpart, LeT2ed.

Here then are the Top Ten Little Known Facts of the New Indiana Jones Movie

10) Constantly wears fedora just to cover bald spot

9) Plans adventures around Matlock showings

8) Much more difficult to fight way onto speeding Nazi transport trucks while using a walker

7) Role of Short Round now reprised by Gary Coleman

6) Indiana is frequently mistaken for Face Melting Nazi until part way through the film when he has a little work done

5) Whip only used to keep kids off lawn

4) No longer fears snakes; now fears enlarged prostate

3) When boarding plane for Red Line of Exposition, Indy now has to pre-board

2) Leather jacket now has noticeable AARP logo

1) Indy no longer teaches because of "incident" with a female student

Yes, we're making fun of action stars who are older than our grandparents. Could I have beat that into the ground any more? I didn't think so. Now turn that darn theme music down, dammit.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Can't Drive 55

So, I'm enjoying the commute from hell this morning. Accident on the freeway, all the lanes blocked. No blood on the highway for the rubberneckers. I'm lucky enough to be in the right lane and by driving on two wheels on the shoulder (hey, you learn a lot from James Bond movies), I'm able to escape freeway hell and take surface streets.

As I'm waiting at a light, it turns green and the car in front of me doesn't move for a good three seconds. I give a short blast on the horn. Not the asshole blast, but just a lil beep to say, "C'mon, dude."


So I give the longer blast. "Hey, buddy, I'm driving here."

Still nothing. And at this particular intersection, there's no left turn lane or right turn lane for me to just go around him.

So now he gets the full jerk horn. "Asshat! Move that piece of crap Ford Fairlane before I jam kitchen faucets where the sun doesn't shine."

Still no go.

By this time the light has changed back to red and we're stuck for another cycle. So I put the Batmobile into park and get out of my car to check on the guy. You never know, you know.

As I look in his window, I see that he's asleep. Not some drunk sitting through the light asleep, but a fully dressed with a coat and tie for work asleep. I pound on the window to scare the hell out of him and yell, "Sleepy, the rest of the dwarves need you in the mine!" I thought that was pretty good for as pissed as I was.

He was so frightened, he ran through the red light to get out of there. But I'm pretty sure that burst of adrenaline from waking up like that probably kept him up the rest of the way to work. He didn't even thank me. Man, the poor manners of some people.

So the moral of the story is: Make sure you don't fall asleep in your car or some helpful sort will give you a surprising little burst of energy today.

Monday, May 19, 2008

He's Not Heavy

This one is for the ladies.

That's my Big Bother over there. I've called him that for as long as I can remember. He also got Mr. Wonderful as he is not as social as the rest of the T2ed clan. Prince Fucking Charming when he was being especially cantankerous.

Apparently, he's soon to be posting a profile on Or else he's just forgotten how to use buttons after a long day at work. Yes, that is an actual moving company uniform shirt, ladies. Please line up in an orderly fashion. Yes, he's married now. And with that belly fur, you can certainly see why he got snapped up so quickly.

Anyway, the Big Bother came to visit over the past week. He was staying with the parents. I think he just barely escaped with his life. Lots of chores that old people can't do: chopping wood,
replacing bathroom faucets, throwing away junk in the basement that has survived since the Hoover Administration, putting up with lots of advice from old people.

I just hope on the plane ride home he got a seat between Meemaw & Peepaw and they regaled him with tales of their travels, grandchildren and their various and sundry medical ailments. That'll teach him to be too busy to weed my backyard which currently looks like something from the Grapes of Wrath. Seriously, I saw Henry Fonda wandering around back there this morning.

Dirt Farming -- All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Friday, May 16, 2008

Rocket Man

You may have heard about Roger Clemens' alleged indiscretions with country singer Mindy McCready. This is really only relevant because of the allegations of steroids abuse, Clemens portrayed himself as a family man so these type of allegations are just fun indicative of him credibility. If he lied about A, he may lie about B. And I'm certain that Ms. McCready wouldn't leak this story just because she has a new album coming out and a new reality tv show coming out and that I've never heard of her until now. That's too cynical to even think about.

Of course Mr. Clemens' attorney, Rusty Hardin (and that's what happens when you leave a hardin out in the rain) has refuted these claims. But now other women are coming out of the woodwork to indicate that Mr. Clemens may have been doing a little pitching on the side so to speak. John Daly's ex-wife was in the Clemens' Club.

Now if I understand this correctly, it seems like a professional athlete with lots of money was somehow able to have sex with a lot of different women. HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you to find that there is gambling in Casablanca.

Well this reporter just had to do a little more digging and here are other women that Roger Clemens is alleged to have had affairs with:
  • Barbara Walters
  • Crystal Gale
  • Barbara Mandrell
  • Joan of Arc
  • Amelia Earhart
  • Bonnie Raitt
  • Margaret Thatcher
  • Joan Benet Ramsay
  • Carrie Underwood
  • Indira Ghandi
  • Jessica Simpson
  • Dolly Parton
  • Ashlee Simpson
  • Mother Theresa
  • Jessica Rabbit
  • Bella Abzug
  • Hellen Mirren
  • Shirley Temple
  • Helen Thomas
  • Tammy Wynette
  • Darlene Madison
  • Dolly Madison

Man, those baseball players really get around, don't they?

If you know anyone else Rocket may have slipped the old fastball to, be sure to leave a comment and let us know.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ghost In The Machine

Dear Senator Specter:

Thank you for your continued obsession concern with the New England Patriots and their alleged cheating by videotaping opposing teams. I'm sure this concern is not fueled by any rancor to the team that kept your home state's Pittsburgh Steelers from the Super Bowl in 2005 or that the Philadelphia Eagles lost that same Super Bowl to the Patriots. No, I'm certain you are only concerned about the welfare and integrity of the NFL. If the billionaire owners of the teams didn't have you looking out for their best interests, they probably wouldn't even be able to get their draft televised. Yes, the same draft that had the lowest ratings ever yet still outdrew the NBA playoffs.

I will admit that it is with some trepidation that I reviewed your comments that we should have an "objective investigation" much in the same vein as the Mitchell Report regarding steroids in baseball to investigate taping in football. And while estimates of the cost of the Mitchell Report put it at upward of 20 million dollars, maybe this time and money could be better spent investigating some other issues. Moreover, as you are still battling health issues, your time and leadership are very precious. Toward that end, I would respectfully submit that the interest of the public of the United States, the same public who votes in elections, would be better served if you would be able to investigate some, if not all, of the following issues:
  • the price of gas
  • Bigfoot
  • a list of best diet pills
  • why there is no flying car
  • why there is no car that folds up into a briefcase
  • why there is no flying car that folds up into a briefcase
  • the location of Amelia Earhart
  • why the Detroit Lions suck
  • no cure for cancer (you may wish to move this to the top of the list)
  • payola in the record industry
  • payola in the film industry
  • global warming
  • an overly complicated tax code
  • no universal health care
  • why Kobe Bryant gets so many foul shots
  • the increased media coverage of shark attacks
  • immigration reform
  • why the Big Ten conference has 11 teams
  • why Chinese restaurants serve sushi rolls and Thai food
  • why the Detroit Tigers suck this year
  • why Canada is giving us their quarters that are unusable in our vending machines
  • why New Kids on the Block were allowed to reunite
  • why the Spice Girls were allowed to reunite
  • who were clients 1 through 8
  • why there is still no Aquaman movie
  • why bacon is being rationed and only distributed in restaurants two pieces at a time
  • why rice is being rationed
  • why you are named after a fictional terrorist organization

I will grant you that these issues seem somewhat larger than the issue of football teams in Pennsylvania who are unable to beat the Patriots. But I would hope that you would also grant me some degree of relief from a news story that ended in September of last year when the NFL assessed its penalties.

Please let me know where and how many times I should vote for you in the event that you are able to address these issues.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

New Kids on the Blockbuster

It's that time of the year. It's your deity-given right, duty and obligation to go out and consume the pablum that is the Summer Movie Season. Get out there and consume the swill that Hollyweird foists off on us. Otherwise, we're going to be stuck with a bunch of movies that no one saw for our Oscar nominations. You know, like every year.

Come on. It's not too much to ask. These celebs give us so much. They graciously receive adulation, money and awards and all they ask in return is that we ignore their craziness, sociopathic behavior, telling us what to do and their lack of talent. Where else would we get our media distractions from if not Hollywood? We can't have runaway brides and shark attacks every day you know.

So get out there and make sure you see all these movies no matter what you think of them. If you don't, things like video games that make half a billion dollars in a week will get forced down our throat. So put that in your Rimowa bag and smoke it.

Without further digression, here is your Guide to the Summer Blockbusters:

IronMan: The biopic of Ozzy Osbourne has been surprisingly well received despite Clive Owen in the titular role. Luckily, it’s subtitled so moviegoers can understand Clive’s/Ozzy’s dialogue.

Speed Racer: The biopic of AJ Foyt has been less successful commercially. This may be due to his animated series in the 60’s not featuring a chimp but actually being drawn by chimps. And the chimps wrote better dialogue.

Chronicles of Narnia: This time Riddick returns to the Dark Planet with Judy Dench in tow and fights crime while taking care of a family in the witness protection program. Soon to be a ride at Disney.

Indiana Jones and the Last Chance to Cash In: In the fourth and final movie in the trilogy, Indiana is denied Medicare benefits and has to go to Canada to seek low cost prescriptions. Features the debut of Shia Le Pew as Indiana’s pet skunk/comic relief.

Sex in the Suburbs: What a novel idea! A follow up to the wildly successful HBO series. Yes, we’re talking to you David Chase. Unfortunately in the sequel, all the characters just drive minivans, get their nails done, go to lunch and don’t have sex. You know, like the real suburbs.

The Dark Knight: In this sequel to Black Knight, Martin Lawrence again returns to Arthurian England as a comical rapscallion who discovered honor whilst seeking bootay. Sure to be jam packed with fart jokes and Martin dressed as a woman in an least 3 scenes.

Get Smart: This features Steve Carrell in the role of Algernon who has an experimental surgery that turns him from a mental incompetent into a genius and then back into a political candidate.

Mamma Mia: The pageantry of the movies combined with the magic of ABBA. Yes, breeders are allowed to attend. Tickets are half off with a receipt from The Olive Garden.

X-Files: I Want to Believe that Gillian Anderson is still hot, Duchovny is still funny and this time the plot is comprehensible. Trust No Sony Critics.

Kung Fu Panda: Jack Black in animated fare. Lots of stoner jokes are sure to go over the heads of the kids you bring to this escapist fare. At least you hope they don’t get the jokes and then explain them to you. “No, Dad. That’s not a blunt that’s a spliff. Jeez.”

The Happening: M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest attempt to make anything even half as good as The Sixth Sense. Yes, he fails miserably. Again.

Hellboy 2: In the sequel to Hellboy, Ray Walston reprises his role as Jack Scratch. In the sequel, Jack makes a pact with Kenny Rogers for the Tigers to win the World Series and Kenny not to stink this year. Clearly, this is a fantasy movie.

Oh, and these all have lame videogames based upon the lame movies as well. It's also your obligation to buy these as well or the General Election will be pushed back a year.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Whale of a Tale

Sad news today. At Discovery Cove in Orlando, two dolphins collided in mid-air resulting in the death of a 30 year old Atlantic Bottlenose dolphin named Sharky. The other dolphin is fine, but his insurance premiums will be doubling.

Apparently both dolphins were performing a mid air stunt and simply ran into each other while in mid-air. Official say this was just a freak accident.


I don’t know what to mako of this. It sounds fishy. Undoubtedly, it happened on porpoise. They probably need to fine tuna their act. I’m guessing that Sharky haddock coming. Probably a case of tank rage. Sharky probably flippered off someone she shouldn’t have. Maybe even catfishing around with someone else’s husband and finally got stung. Stung-ray, that is.

She always had a large mouth and an even bigger bass. She pissed off the wrong ladyfish and things got a roughy. Now her sole is in Davey Jones’ Locker. Thank cod it didn’t happen to you.
And she was only 30, but she never backed down. She was no chicken of the sea. And having been in show biz, at least she was a StarKist.

I better shut up before I get a cutthroat. Shut your mouthbrooder. Hey, I’m just talking 'bout Shad.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Pour Some Sugar On Me

America's Britain's Sweetheart, Madonna has announced her upcoming tour to promote her latest coaster album, Hard Candy. It's the Sweet & Sticky tour. And because she's really from Bay City, Michigan, Madge is conveniently blowing off Motown so as to avoid that awkward moment with her father after the show when she simulates sex with a cross. I'm just kidding. That sex during the show isn't simulated.

In addition to opening schools ala the Queen of All Media, Madge is also unsuccessfully trying some old trix in an effort to generate a little buzz for her album. Sorry, but we liked it when you kissed Brittney a lot more. What the hell happened to you two?

Whatev. Sweet & Sticky just doesn't really shout, "Come and buy some damn tickets, will you already?" This reporter couldn't let sleeping backup dancer lie, so with a little digging here are the Rejected Names for Madonna's Tour. Get it? These are the names she's not using to go with Sticky & Sweet. All right, I'll quit beating the set up.

Rejected Names for Madonna's Tour
  • Old & Bitter
  • Lame & Culturally Irrelevant
  • Scary & Exhibitionistic
  • Itchy & Scratchy
  • Pointy & Scary
  • Pretentious & Faux
  • Desperately Seeking Relevance
  • Dyed & Bi-Curious
  • Bitchy & Soon-To-Be-Single-Again
  • Cranky & Dominating
  • Flashing & But-Still-Writing-For-Kids
  • Bad Acting & Unemployed

Oh, Ms. Ciccone, we kid because we care. As far as you know.

Hey, you know who'll be the biggest fan of the tour? Guy Ritchie. He'll finally have some quiet time to get working on that Swept Away sequel.

Wow, it's been a weird week. Posts on women, sex, baseball and now making fun of Madonna. There's a little something for everything to hate this week. Have a good weekend, kids.

Now take of that wedding dress, turn that racket down and quit rolling around on the floor like some kind of crazy person. Sit up straight and quit embarrassing your Mother. For pete's sake. Sorry, just practicing for brunch this Sunday.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

A Long Cruel Summer

If you haven't heard, Major League Baseball's Most Liked Player, Barry "It's All About Me" Bonds, is out of a job. So the MLB Player's Association, having cleaned up all the problems like steroids, uppers, mandatory drug rehab, groupies (okay that's really more of a fringe benefit than a problem), candy and ice cream in the clubhouse, and excessive tobacco usage, is investigating whether there is collusion in baseball.

Yup, no one wants Barry and his baggage on his team because of a giant conspiracy amongst the owners. Yes, it's a gigantic master plan orchestrated by business owners to keep a 43 year old sweetheart of a man out of the game despite that he may be going to trial on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

In fact there are so many well known faces out there in MLB looking for work, that they've been added to the mix as proof that there is collusion in baseball.

This reporter did some digging and talked to various unnamed sources around the league (as far as you know) and here are the real reasons some of these players are out of work.

Barry Bonds -- major asshat, selfish tool, under indictment
Roger Clemens -- alleged roider, won't travel with team, alleged pedophile

Hey a quick interjection. Why is Roger Clemens like blackjack? Because nothing good can happen when you hit on 15. Hiyo. Put her down, Jerry Lee.

Back to the list:

Sammy Sosa -- corked bats, excessive cheerfulness gets irritating over 162 game season
Kenny Lofton -- has to use a walker in the outfield
Mike Piazza -- gay
David Wells -- demands his weight in stadium hot dogs on each day he pitches

I hope that cleared it up for you, Players Union. Now get working on the serious issues like why the Detroit Tigers suck it this year.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Blow Me a Kiss

It's been announced by the office of the MLB Commish, Bud "Lite" Selig, that there will be no discipline of the Chicago White Sox for displaying two inflatable sex dolls in their clubhouse during this past weekend's series against the Toronto Blew Jays. Sorry, Blue Jays.

Cereal, I'm not making this up.

The General Manager of the White Sox, Ken Williams said:

I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form.

Of course, because Kenny boy only talks about one doll in his "apology." Clearly, by implication, the other doll was soundly rogered by randy White Sox players. During orgies, team members must remain in the batting order.

The White Sox lost all four of those games in Toronto btw.

Now I don't know why two inflatable sex dolls were on display in a major league team's clubhouse. Actually, I probably do, but I don't want to. I'm pretty sure it was a prank and not just a way for the team to, ummm, relieve a little stress over their most recent losing streak.

But because of my deep seated respect for women and because I actually penned a post about Moms and Dads having sex just in time for Mother's Day, I will not make any of the following baseball related comments about inflatable sex dolls and play by play commentary.
  • He got some good wood on that one.
  • He's giving a hundred and ten percent.
  • This one looks like it's got the distance.
  • Going, going, gone.
  • No pepper.
  • That's a double play ball.
  • He really needs to bear down here with someone on first.
  • It looks like the ump is checking for a foreign substance on the ball.
  • He loves to hit with men on.
  • Here comes the closer.
  • There's a shot to the hot corner.
  • That was a bang bang play. Let's take a look at the replay.
  • Time for the seventh inning stretch.
  • Here comes the grounds crew with the tarp.
  • There's the old chin music.
  • That's one gets into the upper deck.

I know, that's what she said. But like I said, I'm not going to make any of those jokes. You're on your own kids.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Ecuador Is Lovely This Time of Year

Ecuador is working on a new constitution. I think the old one got misplaced. Don’t you hate when that happens?

Anyhoo, in an effort to increase tourism (and get her name in a lot of snarky blog posts), Maria Soledad Vela had a swell idea: making the pursuit of sexual happiness a constitutional right for women.

Now that’s a pretty adventurous idea when you think about all those great Ecuadorean (Ecuadillos?) Women’s Rights Advocates. Let see there’s…ummm, yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Ecuador as you may know is named after Ponce de Ecuador who had the idea to paint lines on the ground so men wouldn’t ever have to ask for directions.

I’d really like to help our with the Ecuadillyumptious Constitution. So here’s what I came up with:

We the pimps, in order to form a most freaky union, establish free love, insure domestic bliss, provide for the common hook up, promote the general happitude of our Womensfolk, and secure the blessing of multiple pleasurings and our weekends, do ordain and establish this Women’s Right to the Big O. And we’re not talking about Oscar Robertson if you know what I mean.

I can just see the “Life, Liberty and Booty” shirts being sold at the constitutional convention now.
And I’d like to officially sign up for the Ecauadoreangrey Guarranteed Assistance Sexual Minstry (EGASM). EGASM is going to do great things for that country. Or at the very least put it in a good mood for a couple of hours. I know how much happier I am after I get a visit from EGASM. In fact, EGASM is one of the main reasons people stay happily married. Without a visit from EGASM, you’re probably not doing it right. And if you’re not going to do it right, she’ll soon take matters into her own hands.

Critics of Ms. Vela’s bold idea for constitutional direction are quick to say she’s decreeing orgasm by law. And what’s wrong with an orgasm law? Personally, I like (really like actually) the thought of our legislators passing laws like this instead of thinking up other ways to screw us. When orgasms are required by law, only outlaws will have unhappy women. Or something like that. Seriously, if women are required to be sexually fulfilled, there’s a lot of guys going to be getting the chair.

Now I’ve got to hop on Expedia and book the Wife and I a trip to Quito.

Monday, May 05, 2008

She's Having My Baby

Mom's Day is less than a week away. So it's to bust out the flowers and the denial and remember that Mom loves all of you equally. Even if she does unfairly favor your younger sibling all the time.

Bless you Paul & Storm for giving us this:

Mother’s Day is here
Everyone give a cheer
For the ladies that we call
Mother dear.

I tried to find a card
But you know it’s really hard
To find the one that captures
All the love that’s in my heart.

And so instead
I’m writing you this poem
Because I am so
Grateful to you Mom.

So I say.....

Thanks for having intercourse with Dad
Without a condom, sponge or IUD
Your lack of objection
To sex without protection
Made a sperm and egg
Turn into me.

You gave me life, love
A home and clothing everyday
I gave you stretch marks and extra weight
That never quite went away

I mean it
Thanks for having intercourse with Dad
The carnal act that brought me
Here to you, doodley do

I don’t know if it was varied
Or merely missionaried
But it sure was good for me
Was it for you?

I’m elated that you mated
Your love you consummated
You got inseminated
Then waited and inflated
Inside you I gestated
Until from your womb I cascaded

Thank you Mom
For doing my Dad
I’m so glad that he had you
Thanks for doing my Dad.

Friday, May 02, 2008

God Bless America

If you haven't heard, America got a new import the other day. Yes, Pam Anderson is finally an American Citizen. I'm very certain that Pam has very special skills that uniquely qualify her for work in this country. At least ever since she got that acne treatment, the dye job and those gravity-defying implants.

A lot people are wondering, "Why now?" After all that she has accomplished in her distinguished whoring acting career, why become an American.

Luckily, after going through Pambo's garbage and watching a certain video with a certain former member of Motley Crue many, many, many times, I know the real reason Pam decided to go red, white and blown.

10) Hockey games were just too darn cold for flashing
9) All her social diseases now count against US data
8) Implants recently became elective under Canadian socialized medicine
7) Fleeing notoriety after VIP got syndicated in Ontario
6) She thought becoming a citizen also meant she got a free watch
5) Complicated Canadian legal system does not allow two month marriages
4) Train wreck reality series only offered to American sluts thank you very much
3) She thought "lobbying Congress" for animal rights meant doing it in a hotel lobby
2) Appreciates tough US anti-piracy laws after 3 copies of Barb Wire were downloaded illegally
1) Her vote now counts as much as yours

Oh, Pambo. I kid because I care. I'm sure despite your busy schedule you'll be able to get in two more hastily-arranged marriage and divorces before the year is over. Welcome to our melting pot, Pam. I just hope someone explains to her what "blowing stuff up" means before July 4th. This could go horribly wrong if she gets her hands on a roman candle.

And in true White Trash America fashion, Pam is having a garage sale this weekend. Ah, the garage sale. Where people come to buy things that other people are too lazy to just throw away.
Someone please get down to the 'Bu for me and buy that sweet bike that was obviously Pam's! Sure the rear tire looks a little flat, but can you imagine owning Pam Anderson's bike seat? You're going to want to have that deloused before you use it. You may just want to go ahead and have it sealed in one of those Hazmat containment devices just to be on the same side. How cool/scary would it be to own some of Pam Anderson's "beautiful old linens?" I wonder which wedding that's a gift from. Yeah, if you're still buying Pam wedding presents, you're probably smart enough to be keeping your receipts by now.

Now, I've got to start driving so I can get to SoCal in time to bid on Pam's copy of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. You know she loves any game that involves eating balls.