Friday, October 06, 2006

On Rebounding

#6 On Rebounding

Chances are if you’ve ever dated for a while, you’ve also not dated for a while. And this break in the action (so to speak) may be the result of someone telling you they don’t want to date you anymore. If you’re one of the lucky ones who have never been on the receiving end of this emotional roundhouse kick to the kidneys, count yourself blessed. If, on the other hand, you’re like the majority of the population and have received your walking papers and been placed on the love market, you know how painful it can be.

You’ve got to put it behind you and say screw them. If he can’t see what a catch I am, it’s his loss. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I deserve better than a minnow anyway.

Some people choose to look at involuntary free agency as a bad thing. This is not our approach. We are going to look at your new single status as freeing and uplifting. Now is the time you get to do whatever you want. You’re out of committee. You don’t have to negotiate with anyone prior to taking action. This is only a phase so don’t go nuts. You’re free, not a hermit. Your newfound freedom will eventually pass, but do what you want for now. It’s time to be a little selfish for you.

First take your ex’s number out of your cell. You don’t want to be tempted into a drink and dial situation. And you’re definitely going to be doing some drinking.

You should also be prepared to do any and all of the following:
  • Order what you want on your pizza (and do not get what you always used to get aka the compromise pizza)

  • Watch all those Gilmour Girls episodes that are on your TIVO

  • Go see the chick flick (instead of Jackass 2 that he would have dragged you to)

  • Enjoy seeing the toilet seat down all the time

  • Sleep in the middle of the bed

  • Sit in the good chair

  • Eat the last dim sum

  • Get a massage (with any luck from a hot guy and not that bulky, scary German lady)

  • Talk about your feelings whenever you want

  • Finally have a threesome and make sure he knows he wasn’t in it

  • Watch any made for tv movie on Lifetime or Oxygen (extra points for anything with Meredith Baxter Birney)

  • Find someone who looks just like him and have a little hate hump. Don’t ever call that doppleganger back.

  • Go out with his boss. Or brother. Or best friend. Depending upon your level of spite perhaps all three maybe even at the same time. Then dump them. It’s not fair, but it’s effective.

The first guy you meet after this time will be like the Fortinbras to your past Hamlet. Do not fall into this trap. You’re rebounding. You’re just happy to be back in the game. This man won’t be your density, McFly. But it will be the chance to get your sea legs, realize you’re still a hot property on the Monopoly Love Market, pass go and collect $200.

Now you’re ready for further punishment. Get out there and start dating again.

Editor's Note: This is a reprise (okay, rerun) of something I did long ago. This new version would have been better, but my publicist thought I took an overdose of sleeping pills.


Wicked H said...

As always, sage advice.

The single women of the blogoshpere thank you.

Kate The Great said...

I agree. I can deal with the rebound. I feel like I've been on an extended hiatus since the end of July. I can deal with the rebound. I just can't deal with getting myself back in rotation. I'm the girl who won't look a guy in the eye when she passes him. I'm the girl who keeps her head down in the coffee house because she doesn't think anyone will look back... doesn't think anyone would be interested.

Maybe this is a new blog topic for me...

nobich said...

As strange as it seems sleeping in the middle of the bed took the longest for me, only because I made a conscious effort to do it.
weird huh??

Nat said...

What I've found after almost two years of being single, but not necessarily alone, is that I actually like sleeping in the middle of the bed. And I'm not sure how I feel about the prospect (ok, right now the lack there of) of integrating anyone else's stuff into my own again. Maybe what we sometimes get too hung up on is that being single is really pretty fabulous. Sure, it's nice to have someone there - but it's also nice just having me there too.

Iwanski said...

Density! Ha!

I love awesome references.

kris said...

Finally have a threesome and make sure he knows he wasn’t in it

I actually spit. on my monitor. on this one.

You rock.

And by the way, she is Meredith Baxter again. I guess I'm not the only one who is once again newly single.

Kim said...

I am physically unable to sleep in the middle of the bed. I have no idea why.

But the hate hump? Brilliant.