Friday, May 27, 2005

Quote of the Week

I tend to write down a lot of the stupid things people around me say. I'm included in that list by the way.

I've decided to start posting them here. With any luck this will be both entertaining and funny. Keep your fingers crossed, kids.

"That's 'Shit Your Pants' kind of food."
--referring to a chili cheese omelette for breakfast

Reading this now, it doesn't seem as funny. But at the time, I almost nosed by beverage.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Free Radio

My wife asked me the other night what was my favorite story about us. I didn't think of this one at the time, but here it is.

We were both still in college and lived across the hall from each other in a dorm. The dorm had two sides (North & South) and was shaped like a U with all of the class rooms in the bottom part of the U. Thus, if you were on the right side of the hall, you could look across the way and see whether the lights were on in the other wing. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, someone got us a microphone and we plugged it into our stereo so we could talk to the other wing. And by talk I mean yell at, play music, offer to put on suntan lotion for girls who laid out on the lawn and otherwise harrassed people. We liked to yell across the way and tell people what to do. Typically that only involved turning lights on and off, waving, dancing, pressing their breasts up against the window. Yeah, you're right, that last one never worked.

One afternoon, we began to drink and engage in our "broadcast." Eventually, a class that my wife and I were in together (we were just flirting then; not even dating because she had a boyfriend while I pined for her) rolled around. I blew it off, but she went and snuck a gin and tonic into the class. It was something really boring. I think Agricultural Economics with some Grad Assistant who was a complete bore and a farmer type.

Unfortunately for my wife, the class took place in the dorm. That's right, it was in one of those classrooms in the U shaped part. Luckily for me, it was warm enough that they had the windows open. All the better to hear us as we engaged in our broadcast.

So I start yelling my wife's name. "Hey, you're not paying attention. Check her glass. She hates this class. We're just killing time 'til we're free." You can imagine the line of commentary.

Finally, the GA says, "Umm, I believe you're being paged." (I only found this out later). What I first heard was the door to our wing open and someone yell, "I'm going to kick your ass" and a bunch of laughter followed by running feet.

We shut the door in her face and continued our commentary. "Wow, it seems like we've struck a chord with our audience. Someone is pounding on our door to show their appreciation."

We eventually let her in, but I still think she was more pissed than laughing.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Shakes or Fingers?

By now most people have heard about the lady who claimed she found a human finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili.

Well now the man who lost the finger has been identified. He lost his finger in an accident with a trucklift according to a Reuters report. And he gave the finger to a co-worker to settle a debt for $50.

I'm not so certain that everyone has heard about the woman, Anna Ayala, who found the finger being charged with grand theft and conspiracy to present a fraudulent insurance claim. She's still awaiting trial and is in jail. The court felt she was a flight risk and set bail at $500,000.

To combat the lost sales it's currently experiencing, last weekend Wendy's gave away 15 million free Frosty's. Now I am no Wendy's connoisseur (because I don't like square hamburgers), but if you wanted to prove to people that there aren't fingers in your chili, wouldn't you give away chili?

This is pretty straight-forward crisis management activity in the long run. But you still worry about copycats if you're the company. Prosecutors in the case claim that Wendy's has lost 2.5 million in sales and been forced to layoff employees. That means that Wendy's has to feel that their corporate reputation has taken a bigger hit than 2.5 million if they gave away 15 million Frosty's. They also had the president and COO jetting around the country to meet with customers at the restaurants.

I still hear Dave, the funniest man in the world, making finger jokes. I'm not sure what else the company could do. Maybe give away copies of the Freddy Got Fingered DVD? Trips to the Finger Lakes in New York?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Where Was This Study When I Was In School

A recent study of 20 year olds drinkers had them watch tv with an unlimited supply of beer.

Supposedly this was to study the impact of taking kudzu pills on binge drinking.

My favorite part of the story:

Reasearchers said it was quite easy to gather the volunteers.

Well, duh. "Hey, who wants to watch tv and drink an unlimited supply of beer? Anyone? Please, we really need some help on this project."

The research also speculates that it simply takes less beer to make you drunk when you also take the kudzu.

I can see it now. New Coors Kudzu. Helps you get your drink on. For people without a lot of time to get drunk.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

What's All This About a Space Movie?

I don't know if you've heard, but apparently there's some movie coming out about outer space. I don't know much about it and don't want to give anything away, but I don't think it ends well for someone name Anakin. You've probably heard about it if you've bought a Pepsi, used your cell phone, watched tv or read a paper or magazine lately.

Here are some other spoilers for the new movie:

Artoo & 3P0 get married
Under that mask, Darth Vader is really Michael Jackson
Droid army defeated simply by changing batteries in the remote

People have even started a website called Thank You George. They're trying to collect a million signatures to thank the Creator himself. I kind of think the kajillion dollars he's made is thank you enough.

All of that being said, I will go see the movie. I'm not the camping out type, but I'll probably try to see it opening weekend. It depends on whether I can stomach the sheer number of screeching urchins sure to be packing the theater.

Friday, May 06, 2005

This Just In

The Vatican has just invaded Poland.

When did the food pyramid go gay? Because I swear that's the gay pride flag now.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Non-verbal Communication or Splitting the Atom

My wife gets me. I mean really gets me about most things. She wasn't happy though that none of my stories here never seem to involve her. And it's not that there aren't any, I just hadn't told any yet. This is a story about how she gets me.

We were checking out of a store. Don't remember where, don't remember what we were buying. The check out person couldn't get us checked out because some item was unpriced.

So the checkout person calls over the manager. And we're in committee. Runners are dispatched to where the item resides to see if other items are marked. "None of them were marked," I inform the committee. Runners confirm my truth-telling. Animals are sacrificed and entrails are examined. The gods are silent.

Negotiations begin amongst the staff. We look on expectantly to the tribe elders. Are there special savings at this time of year? Teeth are gnashed, clothes are rended, forelocks are pulled.

We finally escape with our purchase. "That was a real pain," my wife says. "Yeah, but then they were splitting the atom there."

Thus the phrase "splitting the atom" was born as our snarky little comment referring to incompetent people doing routine tasks.

Now whenever we're having a hard time getting out of a store, a simple "splitting the atom" comment whispered under our breath will have us erupting in laughter. Even worse was when she made a hand motion from across a room as if she was breaking a stick in two and I knew exactly what she meant and busted up laughing. And when you're laughing to yourself in a store for what appears to be no reason, people sidle away quietly.

My wife....she gets me.

"Are You Trying To Seduce Me, Mrs. Gallagher-Smith?"

A caddie is suing his former golfer (and employer) for tricking him into getting her pregnant. It's true.

Gary Robinson, a 26 year old, single, male, ex-caddy, is suing Jackie Gallegher-Smith, a married LPGA professional, for fraud and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Gary claims to have been in "an emotional state" after having recently broken up from his girlfriend. While he was on the rebound, Jackie hornswoggled him into having unprotected sex with her.

Because Florida law presumes that any child born into a lawful marriage is the result of that marriage, Gary doesn't have standing to request a DNA test. Thus, he's left with the only possible solution of my favorite Unfrozen Caveman Attorney, 4.4 million dollars.

My favorite quote of the suit: "He was put into the position of being an unwitting sperm donor."

Okay, I'll pass on the easy joke of the position he was put into. But an "unwitting donor?" If you do that with a part of the male anatomy, I'm willing to bet you're going to get sperm out of it.

What is this milky white fluid erupting from my penis? That's never happened before.

Gary also claims he'll never be able to find work as a caddy again. I disagree, he may actually have increased his marketability. But his card will have to read Caddy/Male Prostitute.