Tuesday, July 31, 2007
But he also had his hand out of his window and appeared to be holding onto the mattress. And even though we were in a 45 mph zone, he was doing a stately 30.
It wasn't completely unsecured. He did have what appeared to be one bungie cord around it. Which he may have been holding onto with this other hand because it appeared as if he was driving with his knees as he veered back and forth erratically.
I wondered to myself what type of Mattress Emergency would have required him to immediately move this piece of a box springs set. Maybe he was some kind of superhero with lame powers like Matter Eating Lad? But instead he was Mattress Man and wherever unwanted house guests were, he'd be there. Drunks on the floor? Use the Mattressignal and Mattress Man will swing into action with his 1987 Plymouth Reliant K car.
Now I will confess that my experience with driving with a load not properly tied down is limited to John Cusack's classic delivery of that line in The Sure Thing. I minded my own business and did not attempt to engage in any vigilante justice up to and including a Citizen's Arrest.
So it was not completely expected to me that when our Intrepid Driver attempted to make a left turn, the mattress spilled out onto the pavement. And because I had the top down and couldn't control my laughter, I was a bit surprised when he gave me the finger.
Yup, I'm the assbag for laughing at you. It's not the One Hand One Bungie moving method that deserved derision. Mea culpa, Mattress Man.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Wife and I have one of those swell stoves with no burners and no range hoods. That's because the people who owned this house before us were loaded and couldn't possibly be bothered with anything except the latest appliances.
And those appliances are swell until they bust.
All that glass on top of the stove cracks from thermal heating and then you need to contact NASA for the part. And apparently they ship a glass stove top without any padding and are surprised when it shows up busted. Glass breaks? Who knew? So then you get to request the part again which adds another week to the process.
I think the best part is that they let you know they'll be at your house between either 8 and 12 or 1 and 5. You've got to agree that a 4 hour range is pretty big. I'm not sure why they just don't tell you the time will be "When We Freaking Feel Like Showing Up."
Would you ever accept that answer from anyone else? If your best friend told you they'd meet you somewhere for dinner and it would be between 5 and 9, you'd tell them to go to hell. But you have to take it from these guys. Just like you had to take care of the broken counter top that showed up and that they wouldn't even haul away. But you have to take it from the Appliance Guys because there's nothing you can do.
Nothing except order a third counter top and see how much you can get for it on eBay.
Friday, July 27, 2007
I can't remember who's in the Spice Girls. I know there's Posh, Scary, Sporty, Old, Chlamydia, Oregano and I think Preggers. Those girls aren't really my scene, so I may be wrong on a few of those.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. No Spice Girls reunion tour.
Did anyone actually see the Spice Girls movie? I mean the theatrical release not just the sex tapes. Okay, I don't know if they really had sex tapes, but would you be surprised if they did?
Despite this being a
- Add Rob Van Winkle to the bill and make it the Nice Ice Spice Baby Tour.
- Additional Spice girls named Marjoram, Chipotle and Saffron added to band (no, they won't be able to play any instruments either)
- To appeal to older audience, add a grrl named Tapioca
- To enhance Grrl Power, show will be solar powered and sponsored by Toyota Prius
- Alan Cumming forced to donate entire salary from Spice Girls movie
- Anyone with a stub from Spice World gets in free (yes, I realize that's a two-fer on the Spice Girls movie, but there really can't be enough jokes made about that film)
- All male audience attendees (both of them) will be subjected to DNA testing to determine if they are Sporty's baby's Daddy
- To appeal to Spanish-speaking audiences, the band will be billed as The Female Menudo
- Groupies greatly enjoy receiving oral sex from Spice girls as it means 10 minutes they can't be singing
And finally, the difference between pornography and the Spice Girls? Pornography has better music.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Who do these astronauts think they are--Northwest pilots?
Now I can understand the stress of sitting on a hunk of metal built by folks who submitted the lowest bid and based upon a design that has exploded before. I might want to sneak off for a bracer prior to strapping into the gigantic fuel tank that flies like a brick.
But I'd be worried about filling up my bag in flight because I have a bladder the size of a walnut. And if you think it was bad trying to get your dad to pull over at a Stuckey's on the family trip, that's got to be nothing on getting the Commander to let you leak out the back of the window on a shuttle.
What kind of drink do you think a shuttle crew member goes for?
- Flying Dutchman
- Blue Moon
- Iron Butterfly
- Shoot to the Moon
- Rocket Fuel
- Flaming Blow Job
- Space Odyssey
- Falling Star
- Purple Problem Solver (for when Houston calls)
- Moonlight Drive
- Space Suds
- Blue Moon beer
- Soul Taker
- Lemon Lift
- Hairy Armpit (because you know hygiene has to suffer up on that international space station)
You've got to think you go into any bar on the Florida coast and drop the Shuttle member vibe and you're going to drink for free and probably score.
"Yeah, babe. I'll call you tomorrow. If I come back alive. I guess we've always got tonight though." You're in there with that tale of danger, Rocketman.
All of the above are actual drinks. You can check the interwebs if you don't believe me.
First, we'll slap some keen business collaboration software up on the store site as well. Luckily it's free for the first 30 days and will integrate with the backend system I don't have yet. Well, actually we have a sneakernet. It's like ethernet, but we just run around in our sneakers to fill all the orders.
Second, this software will allow us to work directly with our celebrity clients and offer special services tailored directly to their individual needs.
These needs seem to be chiefly:
- sober drivers (Yes, even if it's late at night, you're coked up and chasing your soon to be former publicist)
- child care services (including proper use of child seat restraints)
- adoption services (any country or ethnicity)
- media distractions
- providing clean urine and/or blood samples
- claiming the drugs were ours and not our celebrity client's
- keeping a straight face during implausible explanations of outrageous behavior (like tripping over your dog)
- unconditional verbal support including but not limited to "Great job, boss!" and "You're much more talented than she is"
There may be more needs but we draw the line at drug and ho procurement services. Others already have that market saturated.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
As far as you know.
But some scofflaws in Adelaide, Australia made off with $7000 of meat.
And because the local constabulary found broken tail lights on the ground, they postulate that the criminals backed a car into the doors to force them open. That butcher should have been using an SD card for security. Or a vegetarian dog.
Why do I think this was a crime of opportunity? I see some drunk guys driving around and deciding they want something to eat. No burger joints are open so they decide to grab some meat and fire it up on the barbie. The grill not the doll.
And now you know the cops are going to be on the lookout for some hot meat. Or a really overstocked Schwan's truck.
These guys can't be too stupid. At least they got away with the goods. For now. Until some jealous neighbor squeals like a pig on them for not sharing all that rich bacony goodness. You know someone will want to be cut in on the caper and muscle in on the action.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I figure all I need is some shopping cart software and some high end, ethereal, spurious merchandise to let the masses consume. Obviously this will be very exclusive merch that not just anyone can afford.
Here's a look at my initial inventory:
- Lindsay Lohan Defensive Driving Course
- Joe Pesci's Guide to Anger Management
- Paris Hilton's Favorite Bible Stories DVD (shot in night vision green)
- Tammy Faye Bakker Makeover (too soon? I don't have much tolerance for televangelists who use Jesus to steal. I'm sure I'll see her in Hell when I get there)
- Maddona's Elocution and Foreign Diction Lessons
- Michael Vick's Puppy Training Class
- Tim Donaghy's Wealth Management System (he's the NBA ref allegedly tied to organized crime and point shaving. Again, that's allegedly for my Italian American cousins.
- Donald Trump's Self-Esteem Improvement Course
- Tom Cruise Public Relations Seminar
- Don King "Volume Builder" Shampoo
- Phil Spector Conditioner
- Tom Sizemore Career Management Strategy
- International Space Station Oxygen
Now I just need a good name for the store. I was going to go with Amazon because that's my favorite river, but apparently someone already has that. Who knew?
Feel free to suggest store names or any additional items I should stock.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
This is hard for me. I'm trying to be objective, but where you're concerned, I'll always have trouble.
I always stop when One Crazy Summer (including last night and I like to think you got to hit that pre-implant Demi Moore) or Better Off Dead is on cable. I want my two dollars is a common saying. I know way too much about the black Camaro Monique helped you fix up. I bought Tapeheads because that was the only way to see it. I saw Anastasia just because you were a voice.
That kind of foolish devotion, should give me the right to ask one question:
What the hell happened to you?
Where's the cute, quirky, off-beat funny kid I had my first man crush on from The Sure Thing?
Two horror movies in a row? Did you have some kind of falling out with your agent? I don't care if you are in 1408 with the coolest motherfucker on the planet, you can't follow up Identity with another horror flick. Even if Stephen King did write the short story it's based on.
C'mon, Lloyd Dobler. Where's the underdog, unconventional hero we all fell in love with? Even when you were stealing scenes from Rob Lowe and Anthony Michael Hall, it was obvious you were destined for greatness.
You get a free pass for Serendipity because you just wanted to work with Mr. Piven. But Must Love Dogs? Even if you do get Diane Lane in the end, it couldn't have been worth it. If you have to go Leading Man for the cash, don't do it formulaic. Remember Gross Pointe Blank? You can do Leading Man and action. You stole Con Air. Playing a cop no less.
And don't get me started on America's Sweethearts. But if I could get paid to be Catherine Zeta-Jones's former lover, I might have to do it even if the script sucked. And I like to think that you hit that during High Fidelity.
I'm sorry no one saw Max. But, c'mon, Private Gibson, how popular did you think a movie about Hitler was going to be? One that wasn't a musical anyway.
I cut you slack even though you seemingly get rained on in every movie. Say Anything was set in Seattle so that's understandable. Isn't it getting a little cliche not to mention miserable to film? You break up and then get rained on while you stand in the street and pine for the girl. We get it. You're feeling low. Lose the rain machine next time.
Did you peak too soon? Grifters and Being John Malkovich are hard to top. Maybe you're just going commercial to raise some cash for a pet project you've got going ala Medellin? Maybe that's it, call Piv for a quick role in Entourage.
Please, John, come back to us. Do something deep and funny and great again. A little angst, a little self doubt, some nuanced acting and a few wisecracks and you'll be back on top. You've still got it in you.
This is just gravy as far as I'm concerned. I've seen plenty of sites with advertising on them. And I've always questioned how effective it was. Other than making some money for Google and some pennies for the blogger of course. I've never been personally familiar with a company that advertised just on blogs.
But Smorty just lets you write a simple post and gives you some coin. Pretty easy actually. So if it seems like I'm writing about weird stuff, I am. But then you're probably used to just reading about Guinness the Wonder Dog (not to be confused with the upcoming Underdog), boobies, crazy people in Ohio, boobies and other goofy stuff.
So think of this as a change of pace. A change up from the usual goofy stuff I throw at you.
Don't worry, I won't completely sell out. But then I've practiced law and done public relations, so really, there's not much I wouldn't do for some cash money. But I'll never pull the Alex Trebeck life insurance thing.
Friday, July 20, 2007
One of the tricks one of my buddies used to do was whenever someone was presenting in a business meeting and started to jabber so long that their screen saver came on and it was a picture of their kids, he'd pipe up and say something along the lines of "Who's that ugly kid?" For some reason, the presenter parent never really seemed to think that was very funny. Wonder why?
But I digress. As usual.
I think the reason I don't have a digital frame is that I don't really like pictures that much. Oh, sure they're swell when they're on your My Space page and you're holding up pumpkins to your breasts, but once you make the Miss America pageant, they get leaked and then you've got a real PR problem on your hands. Or chest as it were. Yes, Miss New Jersey. I'm talking to you.
Plus, Wife and I seem to have no good pictures of ourselves. When we go someplace on vacation, we're usually looking to get away from people. So that when we finally find something goofy to take a picture of, it's only one of us in it. Or it's just a picture of a sign that doesn't make sense or is mis-spelled or warns of impending lava flows.
Digital cameras are great. Because everyone is too lazy to actually print out the photos so you're never stuck looking at someone else's vacation photos. I'm old enough to remember when my Pop used to bust out the slide projector and we'd get stuck looking at all those old vacation photos. Ugh. Man, my sibs looked miserable in all those photos. Thank goodness the parents got that driving wanderlust out of their system before I was around. Pop tells such romantic sounding stories about how they stayed at rustic camprounds all the way from Ohio to California. And those photos of the flash flood in Nevada and having to stop the car on the highway at a highspot and watching the water start to cover the road below them really sounds like a great time.
I also can't imagine giving a digital photo frame to someone with pictures of yourself in it. That's a pretty healthy self-image if you go that route. I know you're enamored of me, but when I'm not around, you can look at all these various poses of me. Try to restrain yourself. If you do something like that, you probably also refer to yourself in the third person.
The concept of a digital frame is a great one. Anyone pulled it off successfully? Giving it or getting it?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Second, because I've got a cloth top convertible, I can't go to one of those drive through car washes. Which means I have to miss out on all the people who forget to roll up their windows or close their sun roof. And I love stuff like that.
So when I finally break down for a wash, I've got to go to one of those crummy coin operated joints where they specifically set the timer so it's impossible to finish your wash unless you're on uppers.
Third, the folks who invented the timed car wash are geniuses. They know it takes you 8 minutes to wash your car. And they know that they're only going to give you 5 minutes for $1.25. And they know once they screw you and you're not done, you've got to pop for the extra cycle.
So you're standing there with the magic wand in your hand and two minutes left and you're going to opt for the Hot Wax. No one knows what this does. There's really just two settings in the machine: Soap and No Soap. Anything else you put on doesn't do a thing. The last one I went to must have had about jillion settings: Pre-wash, Wash, Scrub, Brush Scrub, Soak, Rinse, Hot Wax, Re-Soak, Undercoating, Remove Paint and Remove Toes in Flip Flops.
The one good thing about car washes is that it gets you out of charitable donations. Because anyone who comes to my door gets told, "I only give to sick kids and cheerleader car washes."
Anyone really like washing their car? Except for that part when you get to spray someone else and get them all wet of course.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
In not charging the man, the police said, "Who hasn't felt like doing that?"
I'll bet they wouldn't have taken that kind of cavalier attitude if he'd tossed Bill Gates out after getting the Blue Screen of Death again. "I was running Windows" is a perfectly appropriate defense though.
He probably just needs some more Dell Memory. When I was having trouble with my 'puter, I just slapped another 256K in the bad boy and things were fine.
That's presuming I don't try to post a picture in Blogger of course. Then all bets are off.
I know Letterman likes to throw stuff off the roof. I don't remember him doing a computer though.
The last thing I threw out of a window was a paper airplane. From the third floor of an office building, it really sailed. Yes, I have thrown water balloons out of a hotel window when I was a kid on a trip to Washington, D.C. And I've dropped a box of wine off a balcony as an experiment.
What's the last thing you threw out of a window?
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Wife and I had loaded all of our Golf Equipment in the Wondermobile, but needed to make a quick stop at the Try 'N Save for some liquid refreshments before the round was to commence.
As we were in the store and headed back to the wonderful aisle containing all the beveragi (that's plural for beverage), we see a lady carrying two Bay City Honey Rocks. Yes, the same Bay City the Rollers named themselves after that fateful dart toss. And she's carrying these cantelope at just the right spot.
Unable to resist such an obvious ploy for a great old joke, I immediately inhale and get ready to drop my little entendre doublay. Before I can spit it out, Wife looks directly at me and says through gritted teeth, "Don't!" Completely busted.
Yeah, she gets me.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
You don't need to be some kind of genius at running payroll software to know that this picture is going to set all sorts of movie records. That's got to be a lot better than robot cars or car robots or whatever the hell it is that Michael Bay is trying to shove down our throats.
I don't want to say Michael Bay is a crummy director (because my Momma told me if you can't say anything nice you should just go ahead and blog about it), but let me give you two words of advice -- Pearl Harbor.
I think the little wizard movie is called Scary Potty and the Cash Cow. I haven't heard anything about it. It's probably a little indie flick done on the cheap by a first time director. Hope they manage to make their money back....I just love rooting for the little guy. Especially if he got Shrek preggers.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
- San Fran
I'm not sure about San Fran. All those Californians and you need to take out a cash advance just to pay for your parking. I really think the entire economy of San Francisco is based upon coffee shops and parking. Wife has to travel there on business a fair amount. And if we could somehow exist in a cardboard box, it would be perfect.
Vermont? What's in Vermont other than Bob Newhart's fictional inn? Do they make Maple Syrup there? Seriously, I don't know anything about Vermont other than it's supposed to be nice in the Fall. Just like Michigan. Not enough to warrant staying there.
Savannah is still on the list. I did read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil though I never saw the movie despite John Cusack's inclusion in the cast. This one is still in the running.
Oregon is a mystery. I don't know anything about it other than the University mascot is the duck. And that Californians are moving up there at a rapid pace and that the Oregonians aren't too crazy about it. Is it as rainy as Washington state? A good possibility?
Texas is out. Wife and I both had the opportunity to work with lots of Texans. I believe that Texans are where all the rumors about ugly Americans come from. I know some great Texans. But I know a lot more worse ones.
Yeah, we're still clueless about where we should go. That RV Lifestyle is sounding better and better.
Monday, July 09, 2007
I don't remember how it got started. It may have been when McGwire and Sosa were hitting them out of the park. Please add your own asterisk here.
After I make chili dogs, we curl up and watch the boys go yard. Normally when baseball is on in the house, I'm watching it by myself. Or Wife is reading a People while I'm watching the Tabbies go at it.
Wife may hearken back to the first time she ever came and watched me play ball. I hit a grand salami to win the game. My only one in organized play and she still remembers it. I must have been pumped up to have a real live Baseball Annie come to watch me play.
If we really want to feel like we're at the park, I'll take my shirt off, spill beer on her, spew profanities and throw peanut shells on the carpet. Ahhh, the great American past time. How come so many guys are named Gonzalez?
Enjoy the game, kids.
Friday, July 06, 2007
We've kicked around several spots, but all seem to have some flaw or two in them.
--North Carolina: Here's what I know about North Carolina and beaufort nc real estate. It's really windy in NC because that's where the Wright brothers had to go when Ohio wasn't windy enough. Their hockey team is named the Hurricanes which doesn't bode well for a retirement home which may mean losing all your stuff. They're good at basketball. But I'd miss the rough and tumble (maybe even dirty) play of the Big 10. Aren't the Outer Banks supposed to be really nice?
--Hawaii: I can't believe we'll ever be able to afford real estate their that doesn't involve a winning lottery ticket or some kind of criminal activity. Plus wouldn't every stray acquaintance you ever knew show up and want to stay with you?
--Savannah, GA: Never been but heard it's nice. I've also heard that it can be "stuffy" to new arrivals. I've also heard that all the humidity in the US is actually made in Savannah and shipped out to other parts of the country.
--Jamaica: Awesome to visit. Not sure I could really live there if it wasn't at an all inclusive resort where all my food and liquor was included. Medical care seemed a bit sketchy. Hurricanes are a given. No idea what real estate costs there. Seemed like plenty of beach was still available.
--Arizona: I've lived here before and now that my Sister moved to Tucson, I don't think the state's big enough. Arizona tricks all the Midwesterners by having them come out in March when it sucks back there and it's paradise in 'Zona. If you ask about how hot it gets, they'll tell you it's a dry heat. But put your oven on low and put your head in it. That's a dry heat too. They call it September though. Another minus, how do you like driving in oven mitts?
So that leaves us with nothing. Maybe one of those RV's and we can roam the country like in Lost in America?
Anyone else got any ideas?
There's the Munger Potato Festival. And while I've never been (despite my love of all things potato), doesn't "mungering" sound like something you could get arrested for? The big news out of Munger is that last year's Potato Queen was forced to give up her crown. Not for naked pictures or any racy conduct, just because she couldn't make enough events because she was in school. Man, I remember when Potato Queen wasn't such a political post. Can't we put bipartisan bickering aside for the sanctity and majesty of the Potato Crown? Luckily, they'll be picking a new Potato Queen from all the Potato Princesses (see how I avoided making a "tot" joke there?) at the end of July.
Finally, in Rittman it's the Sleepwalker Festival also at the end of July. This is a bit of an odd one in that it takes place on Thursday and Friday and doesn't even warrant weekend outdoor drinking. Luckily, there's plenty of fried food including fries, sweet potato fries (take that Munger), fried bananas, Blooming Onions, fried veggies, fried cheese, fried bologna, donuts, and pizza on a stick. Not sure how pizza on a stick works. Maybe it's friend so it stays on the stick. The best thing, you can also get free cholesterol and blood pressure checks from WRH Health System on Friday, July 27th. I can't make stuff up that's this good.
Oh, and there's a 3 on 3 basketball tournament because you'll want plenty of high humidity exercise after all that fried food.
What's the goofiest festival you have in your nape of the woods?
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Is this a Universal Truth?
I got stuck driving my Pop around the bump in the road where I grew up last Summer. We even had to drive by all three houses the family had lived in (including the real shitholes before I was born). You could tell these places didn't exactly have chandeliers or under cabinet lighting.
And yes, that skulker in the red ball cap with his pants in his jeans is the Old Man aka Pop. Tell me you wouldn't call the authorities if you saw that guy on your driveway. At the very least get out the No Soliciting sign because you know he's always got to be closing.
Of course we had to take lots of pictures of houses now owned by strangers. I can't believe no one calls the cops when people with out of state plates stop in the middle of a street and start taking pictures of random houses. Luckily, no one seemed to be home at any of these unsuspecting domiciles or we'd have probably been stuck in a half hour conversation about what the house used to be like before you bought it and let it go to pot. "I remember when this was all farmland...." Never get a Peepaw started about what the place used to be like unless you've got a comfortable chair close by.
I also had a buddy of mine make me drive by his old apartment so that we could see if the green door he had put up was still there. Yeah, I didn't get it either.
And today Wife is stuck driving her parents down to where they used to live in Detroit some 20 years ago. She's lucky though, her parents won't want to get out of the car and go all stalky on the new residents.
Sorry about the funky formatting kids, Blogger is being cranky today with the swell photo insert.
What about you? Do you go back to where you used to live and see how the new residents are treating the joint? Do you silently judge their yardwork and handyman proficiency? Or are you like me, once you're gone it's "Later, losers" and you could care less about the old joint?
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Usually on Sunday mornings, Wife and I go out to breakfast to ensure we get our RDBA (Recommended Daily Bacon Allowance). Two weeks ago, our breakie break was after we had been to see Frank Caliendo in concert.
As a brief aside, if you don't know who Frank is, make sure you check him live and not just on the interwebs. He's an amazing impressionist who also happens to be hilarious. You've probably seen him on Fox NFL Sunday or David Letterman or You Tube. Frank does an amazing Al Pacino.
So feeling saucy and bacon-enriched, Wife and I hit the grocery store (where I would walk slowly by the bacon aisle) for a couple of essentials. As I'm parking, I notice a Meemaw with her minivan door open and she is nattering to her Peepaw.
So I park a few spots away and as she continues to talk loudly, I walk by and let out a Pacino-esque "Hoo Haw!" at the top of my lungs. Wife immediately begins to laugh and Meemaw says, "Yes, it is hot out."
Flash forward to a week later. It's after a bacon gorging and we're at the same grocery store before we head back to our luxury home. I'm heading inside and luckily no Meemaw is in sight. As I turn around to look back at the Wife, she beats me to the bunch by shouting out "Hoo Haw! and completely cracks me up."
Yeah, she gets me.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Anyone else have stores where they can kill an hour or two and time just seems to fly by?