Friday, September 29, 2006

Lack of Commitment

#5 On Lack of Commitment

Someone asked, "What if it's been 10 months and he won't commit?"

That depends upon what you want him to commit to. Going steady? Exclusive dating? Monogamy? Marriage? Living together? Being institutionalized? Getting those matching tattoos? Remember how well that worked out for Roseanne and Tom.

But seriously folks, 10 months is probably long enough to figure out where a relationship is going. I'm saying probably because it depends upon your particular circumstances. I know a girl who lived with a guy and she wouldn't ever go the bathroom when he was around. Seriously, she had to wait until he left early for work so she could finally bust a grumpy. If you're in this kind of relationship CandyLand where bodily functions do not exist and everyone is still on their best behavior, 10 months may not be enough.

More than likely it is though. After 10 months you ought to have some idea if this is the person you want to drive crazy the rest of your life. I'm speaking from experience here. I was on the clock before I asked Wife to marry me. There was a timetable which I didn't know about. Luckily I got in my proposal before the clock ran out. Yet another example of my complete cluelessness where it comes to women. To this day she hasn't told me how much longer I had to pop the question. I'm pretty sure it wasn't another 10 months though.

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about people who have dated for 6 years. What the hell? How can you not have some idea whether you can co-exist by this time? It's also part of the reason that people should be forced to live together before they get married. Think of it as a Learner's Permit for Love. If you've never had to share a 1000 square foot house in the dead of winter, it may sound romantic. If you're with the wrong person, it'll be The Shining.

That wonderful person you admire so may be the one. Or it may be the person who can't fold laundry correctly, pees on the floor, is unable to see the garbage is full and farts in bed. You're only going to get to discover these lovable little "quirks" under extended behavioral observation. You're Jane Goodall with her own personal ape. Don't be ashamed to use a clip board and take extensive notes for your research. Remember that Bobby and Whitney got along at one point too.

If it's been 10 months, you probably have an idea where this relationship should be going. What's his idea? Ask him. And don't ask it in a confrontational way like it's Relationship SVU and you're going to sweat a confession out of him. Ask him after a session of red hot monkey love and you should get a straight answer. Or you could pump a couple of drinks into him and let the interrogation begin. Don't forget your bright light and a rubber hose.

I hope that helps, 10 month questioner.


Nat said...

Wow I feel so lucky to have had you post specifically to my question!

We're on the third cycle of this on again/off again/not really ever started thing we've been on. I've played it cool. Let him take charge (so not like me) and now my good friend has said "insert yourself in his life because its clear he's paralyzed to insert you into his." I've done that this week and it's crazy how he's reciprocating. He's an odd little wonderful challenge. And he's one of my best friends.

He's got me so hooked.

Wicked H said...

I feel empowered having already known the answer to this scenario.

Should I ever date again, I'll be ready for this situation.

snackiepoo said...

I actually got engaged after four months of dating and married a year later; we've been happily married almost three years now so we are the "OMG, they moved so fast" couple that people whisper about. But when you know, you know.

I also have friends that were engaged (not just dating) but engaged for seven years and we never thought they would do it, but they got married last year.

I think people should openly talk, after a certain point, about what they are looking for before they determine how long it is going to take blah blah.

Now, a shameless plug...will you come join my cult...I mean post to my group thankful list?

Dunebuggy said...

I agree with most of what you say. Except I don't think living together first is the only answer. But I understand why you believe that. I waited, and it was worth it for the most part.