Friday, November 30, 2007
I thought the only thing worse than unsolicited advice was unsolicited advice about things you have no control over. It turns out that unsolicited advice about your bathroom sink is even more frustrating.
So, just to recap, here are the current BCS Standings for Worthless Advice:
1) Unsolicited Advice About Stuff That Scares the Shit Out of You
2) Unsolicited Advice About Stuff You Don't Care About
3) Unsolicited Advice About Stuff You Can't Control
4) Unsolicited Advice About Stuff You Wouldn't Change Anyway
Maybe they'll be a playoff so we can determine the true national champion of useless advice.
I'd just like someone to finally say, "I got nothing. Good luck with that. You can probably muddle through this like you do with everything else in your life." That's probably why I'm not on the inspirational speaker circuit. Rubber chicken and a lot of "Deal with it, pinkbelly" isn't exactly what folks want to hear.
Luckily, my new best friend who lets me read his Secret Public Journal, Mike Birbiglia was able to take my mind off things for a while the other night. We had tickets for a concert that was only 5$.
I was pretty skeptical because this sounded like a deal that was too good to be true. I was afraid we might have to cough up some canned goods to get it or sit through a time-share presentation or pass around a candle and tell everyone what we were thankful for. I was really thankful that I didn't have to ask any more stoned college students where the concert was on their campus with inadequate signage. I'm not even sure some of these kids were enrolled at the school. They may have just been roaming around at random in the cold and looking for some snacks.
Mike wasn't awkward or shy in the least and wasn't pudgy either. In fact, he was skinny and he was awesome. I just wish we'd have been able to see the A-Team Van.
Now go have a great weekend. And remember, breathing causes cancer. Good luck with that last bit of unsolicited advice about stuff you can't do anything about.
For example, I never knew how many opinions there are on bathroom vanities. And don't get me started on window treatments.
I think the only thing that may be comparable to this is getting pregnant. It's the only other time where complete strangers wander up to you and want to rub your belly and offer unsolicited advice about what you need to do.
Unfortunately, I'm not able to tell people to shut the hell up and then blame it on rampaging hormones. And I may name my rock and roll band The Rampaging Hormones. We'll play a lot of Ramones covers and see if anyone gets the reference.
Now I have to go schedule my teenage lobotomy.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Yes, it's very nice not to travel on the holidaze. Try not to snort a beverage through your nose as you laugh at the tv.
We're forgoing Tofurkey this year for Roast Beast. Yes, I'm such a culinary iconoclast. A Rebel without a Roux.
Which brings me to the other big tradition of Turkey Day--shopping the day after. I don't remember this being such a big deal. But all the kids are doing it. Every store is trying to suck you in with incredible deals to get you in the store as early as possible. That's because when you're good and groggy and the egg nog rush has worn off, they know you'll just grab whatever is left in the middle of the aisle to get the hell out of the store. One of my friends swears that her husband doesn't actually shop for her. He just sprints through the store and whatever crap he can grab from those center displays is what she winds up with for Xmas. Holiday socks, ugly sweaters, slippers that make your feet sweat (and stink), tie racks. Anything in the center aisle should be a warning. Danger, Will Robinson, danger.
I don't know much about rampant consumerism, but if you're getting up early to be at Kohl's for the 4 am door opening, you may have a problem. That's like betting on pre-season football. I guess it could be worse. You could actually be camping out in the parking lot of the Bass Pro Shop overnight. None of this is made up, kids. Nothing says the holidays like camping in a parking lot.
So enjoy the time with your family, kids. Just because Mom always liked your Sister best doesn't mean you have to finish all the roasted garlic mashed potatoes. Or the way your in-laws stare at you while silently judging your worthiness based upon your domesticity. It could be a lot worse. That judging could be not so silent.
And nobody wants that. Especially after Aunt Ruth starts giving you those sloppy kisses after polishing off her highball of Old Fashioned.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Bacon-wrapped turkey? Sign me up, pardner. I was planning on draining my checking account to spring for a turducken, but this sounds even better. Almost as good as bacon-flavored toothpaste.
I'm pretty excited about the upcoming traditional pranks:
- Zip a turkey neck in your fly while you greet guests at the door and pretend your hooha is on display. Bonus points if you're female.
- Sneak a hard boiled egg inside a the Cornish game hen inside the turkey to freak out the right-to-lifers at your table.
- Slip an open can of cream of mushroom soup before making retching sounds after the meal. Make sure you moan something about "too much pie" before leaning over and spilling it on the floor. Extra points if you can get a co-conspirator to grab a spoon and start lapping it up ala The Great Santini.
- Set the TIVO up to play the finale of the 1980 Detroit Lions v. Chicago Bears Thanksgiving Day game instead of the real game. When the Lions allow the overtime opening kickoff to be returned for a touchdown see how many men actually cry. At least a 21 second overtime loss didn't allow the food to get cold.
- Lock the doors when everyone goes outside to throw the football around at half time.
- Place the bird on the table and loudly announce that no one will be able to tell this is Tofurkey.
- Duct tape Uncle Earl in his chair when he falls asleep during the game. Bonus points for putting the bottle of JD just out of reach.
- Make a big deal out of insisting you be allowed to do the dishes after the meal. While everyone is out of the kitchen, just leave.
- Make the youngest sibling (even if he's 42 and has kids) sit at a card table with the other children.
- Carefully extend your pinky when you drink gravy from a glass.
- No matter who prepared the meal grouse about it's not as good as Mom's. This is especially amusing if Mom actually prepared the meal.
- Loosen your belt as soon as you sit down at the table.
- Two words: whoopee cushions
- Insist on being allowed to carve the turkey. Grab the largest knife and go after it like Janet Leigh is in the shower. Swear that's how turkey is served in all the fancy restaurants.
- During the meal, loudly ask if you can go to the bathroom. Then say, "Oops, too late." Bonus points for wearing an eye patch.
Friday, November 16, 2007
But we initially had a little trouble as we couldn't get any carry out food delivered because Hop Sing wouldn't cross the picket line and thought we were scabs. We finally had to let him read a couple of our scripts and he quickly realized that clearly no one involved with Parrot Trooper was a professional writer.
Unfortunately, because all the other shows (except for crummy game shows and reality shows) are halted, the Notwork (what we call the network) has asked for very special hour long shows to
Anyways, here is this week's very special episode.
- Mookie & I play skeeball (and a plug for Axe body spray)
- Bob the Talking Parrot gives me a great idea for a gun that temporarily sprays "asshole" on anything it's aimed at. We expect this to revolutize highway travel. (Plug for Ford F-150 trucks)
- James steals the prototype "Hole-itzer" but accidentally shoots his own house (plug for Glidden paint)
- The city jails James for public indecency (plug for Playboy magazine)
- Mookie argues on James' behalf for free speech while I make eyes at the hot, brunette prosecuting attorney (plug for stage version of Twelve Angry Men)
- James gets jailed for contempt after yelling "This whole Court is out of order." James is restrained and removed from the court room (product placement for Taser personal protective devices)
- Mookie wins the case by arranging to have thousands of letters addressed to Barry Bonds delivered to the court
- Cameo appearance by Mr. Amy Winehouse who shares a cell with James (product placement for Amy's latest album, Back to Black)
- Mookie discovers the hot attorney also has a sister so we double date (plug for Applebee's)
- Bob the Talking Parrot writes on his blog about the Hole-itzer and how important free speech is. Along the way, we learn a little something. (product placement for Dell)
Whew, wasting 44 minutes on tv is almost as hard as wasting 22 minutes. At least we didn't have to try to cram in some crap about the environment in an obvious grandstanding ploy.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
But seriously, how stupid is this? Are a lot of women strolling by the department store Santa and hear his belly laugh and get offended? I thought people got offended because Santa drank or got a little too fresh while you were on his lap.
I saw the Santa at our mall the other day. Because I was on a break during lunch, he was just standing around his little compound looking bored. It's not like he can really take a break in the Food Court or grab some wings from Ruby Tuesday's because he'd get that sauce all over his beard. Luckily, because there were no
- World Peace
- Better Housing Market
- Some Underwear for Brittney
- Some Therapy for Amy
- A Chrysler 300 accessory
- Itchy Crewneck Sweaters (which I'm going to get anyway)
- the Simpsons nativity scene
- the Shrek Xmas Special
- an end to the Writer's Strike so I can see Dave again
- the college football season to end so all those poor Notre Dame fans can finally get some relief from their torment
- Parrot Trooper to make it into syndication
- a car mounted laser for the slow moving mini-vans that have Nascar stickers
- the Christina Aguilera Christmas Album
- those calf implants I've been saving up for
- finally getting on Larry David's Christmas Card list
Who am I kidding? I'll probably get coal just like last year. Luckily, with the current run up in the commodities market, I was able to make a bundle. Thank you China and your insatiable demand for energy.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
It's a real live car wash around the corner from where I live in the Great Grey North.
I don't know what it means. I don't know what it's supposed to mean. I don't know if you're supposed to be doing it it or you're getting it done to you.
But I sure as heck wouldn't take out Faxless Payday Loans to get one. Or more.
If you're either getting your bottom blasted or maybe even doing the bottom blasting, don't you think that's worth more than a buck?
There's only one thing I know for sure. The boss is out of town hunting this week and the interns are getting to monkey around with the signs.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I can guarantee several things.
1) The Lady Hill Toppers' additional scholarships will be put to good use.
2) Mike and his wife Belle Hunt are very generous.
3) Mike learned how to fight when he was a kid.
Because this is a challenge donation, other people can donate. Here's some other swell benefactors:
- Fonda Clams
- Richard Smoker
- Patrick Fitzmichael
- Michael Fitzpatrick
- Wilma Fingerdoo
- Velma Lamba (and her kids Ding & Dong)
- Stu Pedasso
- Ophelia Pratt
- Heywood Jablowme
- Seymour Butts
- Dick Peters
- Sharon Krabbes
- Fire Glass
- Peter Stroker
- Mr. Bader
- Harry Balczak
- Phil McCracken
- Ivana Veener
- Lord Wellington Pissypants
- Dirk Hertz
- Willie Pfisterbottom
- B.J. Hunter
- Woody Spanker
- Peter Wonker
- Tom Ollie
- Rod Turgid
Yes, I know I'm an infant. But if you ever heard a 70 year old law professor ask timidly if Dick Hertz was in class, you'd know how funny this stuff really is.
Here are the list of windmills lately:
1) People who seem surprised to suddenly have to pay for their groceries
Seriously, Meemaw, when was the last time you walked out without paying? I know all old people steal (it's up to 83% now), but that you're shocked, shocked to find out that pretty coins are required to exit the grocery store is amazing.
True story, Meemaw was attempting to pay for a single can of cat food with change. As I was in a hurry to get on with my life, I said, "Let me" and gave the clerk 2$ for the can. It was my good deed for the year. Meemaw looked up at me sweetly with her watery blue eyes and patted me on the arm as she sniffed her thanks.
When I was finally done with my transaction, I saw her driving away in her brand new Cadillac. Yup, I'm a schmuck.
2) Watching Celebrities Dance
These are celebrities by only the widest stretch of the term. If you want to see crummy dancing, go to the Senior Center. More people watching Dancing With the Has Beens than the final game of the World Serious. Ow.
And why America likes aging swishy Englishmen to be their judges is beyond me.
3) Women Liking Joo-ry
I don't get it. But sparkly, shiny things are of great interest to the dominant species on our planet. I always buy Wife sparklies for major events: Xmas, Birthday, Anniversary, Fridays. I don't understand it, but I know how to use it to my advantage. It's like kryptonite. Bring a nice piece around and she'll be hyp-mo-tized. Then you can go watch basketball without a lot of questions.
4) Getting paid to blog
I'm not sure why people like to advertise on blogs. I'm going to do this anyway. If they want to slap a de minimus amount of cashola on me to help defray the cable bill every month, more power to them. I would never whore out and say something is good when it sucks. But then what doesn't suck anymore? I'd love to write about my swell experience with superiour customer service somewhere. But that hasn't happened since ought three. So I let the Smorty folk ply with me pennies. Does that make me a whore? Hey, I worked in the legal profession and for a chemical company. We've already established there's not much I won't do.
But if someone wants to offer me a million bucks to say what an effective job the Big Ten Network is doing at spreading its unique message of sportsmanship to the world, I'd like to have to tussle with that ethical dilemma.
Here's a really old one. How do you know when a politician is lying? Their lips are moving. I can't take this for another year. I've already screamed at the tv during debates.
And why should Iowa get to matter in the scheme of things. So goes Iowa, so goes the country. If that doesn't keep you up at night, what does? Iowa already screwed up the Erotic Corn Dog Contest. Why should a state that exercises that poor type of judgment be allowed to impact the presidential race? And New Hampshire? Come on. You couldn't find that on a map if we spotted you Vermont and Massachusetts.
Here's another old one. What's the best thing to ever come out of Iowa? Interstate 80.
I kid because I care, Hawkeye State. Don't take it personally. Enjoy the scenic vistas of the Quad Cities and the rolling bluffs of the Council. Remember it could be worse. You could be in Minnesota.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Luckily we're also heading into the holiday season so people are going to be using the shopping cart software to line my pockets with yuletide loot.
Here are just a few of the new products we've got in to help you make it a Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas and Winter Solstice. We don't discriminate at Uberexlusive.com. We'll rip all creeds and colors off.
This just in:
- Ellen Degeneres autographed copy of The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
- Tea Cozies made from Ed Asner's back hair
- Miami Dolphin Offensive Game Plan from London (and signed by former offensive genius Cam Cameron)
- Mandy Moore's signed pledge to never appear drunk in public with or without underwear and thereby be ignored by the media
- This year's lost scripts for 24
- The positive movie reviews for Fred Clause
- Michael Vick's audition tape for The Dog Whisperer
- MP3 file of Robert Goulet's Hunka Hunka Burning Love cover
- The hopes of Chicago Bears fans everywhere
- Hillary Clinton's white paper titled "I'm For Everything"
- Rudi Guiliani's white paper titled "Not Me, No Wait...."
- Ann Curry's frantic cell phone call regarding the South Pole
- Matt Lauer's cell phone call to Katie Couric regarding the "south pole"
- Katie Couric's frantic cell phone call to her eyebrows
- Jay Leno's frantic cell phone call to Conan Schwarzzenegger
- Jay Leno's frantic cell phone call to Conan O'Brien
- Picture of Paris Hilton wearing Ed Asner tea cozy in public
This is sure to be a bargain bonanza. Order now, kids.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Luckily, a trusted insider (as far as you know) told this reporter the Top Ten Reasons the Asners are separating:
10) His back hair keeps clogging the shower drain
9) Keeps trying to get her to have a threesome with Gavin MacLeod
8) His drunken ramblings about the comic genius of Ted Knight whenever Caddyshack is on cable
7) Makes her polish all 7 of his Emmy's with a toothbrush
6) Always runs down Tim Allen's "ham-fisted" acting job in The Santa Clause
5) His inability to get over his tennis loss to Lola Falana the Battle of the Network Stars
4) Ernie Borgnine won't get off their couch
3) Big gambling losses to Gabe Kaplan in weekly poker game
2) Insists she calls him Mr. Grant during all pillow talk
1) Swears he could still perform high wire routine for a modern Circus of the Stars
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I'm sure this isn't because a lot of athletically frustrated parents want their kid to grow up to be Michelle Wie is it? Can you even tell if you daughter is a lesbian at that age? Trust me, I went to the Dinah Shore Classic in Palm Springs and it was lesbian Beetlemania.
I think Mattel should also come out with a Ken golf set aimed at young boys. It won't have any balls, no bag and definitely no woods.
Hiyo.... I'm here all week kids. Tip your waitstaff and bartenders. Enjoy the next act.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
10) She really prefers the bass
9) Tired of being called a Black Magic Woman every time she asks him to pick up his socks
8) Every time he finds his keys, claims it's Supernatural
7) She hates that goofy hat
6) Tired of him calling her Deborah, Deborah
5) Originally thought she was marrying pitcher Johan Santana
4) His outrageous claims of being a Shaman
3) That skeevey moustache
2) The way he always sings Pasta Primavera whenever they go to Olive Garden
1) Insists on asking for an "encore" and holding up a lighter after they have sex
Monday, November 05, 2007
Someone took 75 lawn ornaments and carefully placed them around one house. Now the wayward
Quote of the story: "Every time I leave my office they're sitting in my chair, working on my computer," Capt. Richard Harrison said.
I forgot about that strong clerical work ethic in garden gnomes.
Are there such things as gnome mailboxes? Because who wouldn't like to put their mail in a gnome's ass?
No word in the story about whether they've rounded up the Leaning Cowboy, Lady Bending Over or Little Boy Peeing for questioning.
I'm not a detective, but I might dust those gnomes for prints and check them against some folks at Travelocity.
Friday, November 02, 2007
We keep getting "notes" which we file away for when we need to start selling stuff on eBay to support our Precious Moments habit. Notes are supposed to be the higher ups polite way of telling you what to do. My agent and co-conspirator said that as long as we win our time slot we can tell them to get bent.
This week it's the typical hi-jinks.
- Bob invents the Smart Brush and lets me sell it to Microsoft who comes up with a way to input all your teeth data into an excel spread sheet that automatically gets sent to your dentist so she can see how long you really brush and not just when you do it for a half hour until your gums bleed right before an appointment.
- Tony pays back a debt with a Lotto ticket that turns out to be worth $150,000
- Tony tries to frame me for illegally stealing electricity but after spending the night in jail next to Paris, she finds Jesus and accidentally gives Tony an STD when he steals her toothbrush for his celebrity toothbrush collection.
- All the pro football players I meet during my night in the joint come over for a game of touch football with Muggsy and me.
- Muggsy and I hang out with some of the cheerleaders who tag along while Tony stews inside of his protective bubble.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
If you were playing along with Trick or Freak (trying to guess if someone is actually dressed up for Halloween or just a freak), I hope you had Freak if you drew Bethlehem High School Principal Dr. Paul Schum in the pool.
Seems the good Doctor was dressed up like a woman wearing leather with fishnet stockings and fake breasts. Oh, and he was allegedly "loitering with the intent of prostitution" in an alley.
Wow, I knew school district budgets were tight, but I had no idea they were slashed this much. That's why I always give money to those cheerleader car washes.
This comes as a real shock to me. First, I didn't realize there was gamblings on the interwebs. Second, I didn't realize there were so many gamblings that you needed someone else just to tell you all about the gamblings on the interwebs.
I'm a little disappointed that no one had the clever idea of naming an online casino Casablanca. It must be the nostalgia in me.
I also had some other names for online casinos that anyone is free to use. I'm not sure how much help they will be:
- Lose Your Money Here (which is what that cowboy for the Pioneer was saying)
- Cheating.com (that may be taken for a completely different kind of site)
- Trump's Hair Badger
- Caesar's Salad Palace (no anchovies, please)
- Soon You'll Be Wearing a Barrel Just Like in the Cartoons
- If You're Betting on Pre-Season Football You Have a Problem
- Listen to All Them Winners (which should be yelled loudly whenever you hear a ringing slot machine in a real live casino)
- Chief Scalpalotofum's Teepee Lodge of Winners
- Drinkey Losey
- Smokin' Hot (oxygen tanks welcome)
- All You Can Lose
- You're Different--You've Got a System
- It's Not Money, It's Chips
Feel free to play along at home, kids.