Talking in Your Sleep

Man I hate it when I can't sleep.

And it's like a law that whenever I'm doing my best bed burrito, death roll crocodile impression, the Wife slumbers like a rock. A noisy, completely blissful rock.

It's only when I'm completely exhausted that really bad ideas come to mind.

• Why don't I do a parody of Bob Seger's Night Moves but call it Night Poots?
• Why don't I start a doggie day care?
• Why don't they play basketball this late at night on tv?
• Why don't we have a sleep number bed?
• Why didn't I drink more last night?
• Why don't they give Barack a weekly show?
• Why hasn't baseball started yet?
• Why don't they do a remake of Footloose? (too late)
• Why ask why?
• Why can't a vampire bite one of the Jonas Brothers?
• Why did Barack say there are no silver bullets? Now the werewolves will be fearless.
• Why do I have Big Country stuck in my head?

Now I gotta go get a nap. Which I won't be able to fall asleep for?

Anything by The Allan Parsons Project

I'm not sure why today seems just a tad....off. Maybe it was the Midnight Puppy Patrol Pukefest that put me off my center of being.

Or maybe it's all the hype surrounding the game tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm just feeling freaky because it's actually quiet in the house. Wife off to get her hair done. Pups wiped out from the dog park and are actually quietly asleep dreaming about romping in a field of bacon.

Which gives me to much time to think about what I should do with my life. Besides crack wise here of course. This is what happens when there's no football on and no college hoops I care about on tv. Curses.

Does anyone out there have an online project management certificate?

I was thinking about going back to school for a bit. At least until Barack hires me to be the First Dog Wrangler. You know how this always works out. You fill out all the paperwork for the background check on your Dog Wrangling skills, then it takes forever for the Committee on Government Sinecures to get around to you.

I'm good at Project Management. It's probably my inherent ability to enjoy telling other people what to do. And it's a nice mid-point until I become Benevolent Dictator for Life. Hey, Castro has to kick one of these days and Raoul isn't getting any younger.

But is the certificate more valuable than just being able to point to all the projects you've already run? Getting an IT project isn't rocket science in my book. Just double all the time estimates they give you. At one of my old employers, the IT project methodology was extremely painful. And more than 50% of the time, the estimates were off by more than 100%. You may as well have flipped a coin for that kind of accuracy.

Anyway, advice is always welcome.

Tutti Rudi

Yes, I know I've written about this before. And before. I can't help it that the best thing I've ever written on this here blog is stupid stuff about clay. Suck it, monkeys. It's not a re-run; it's a classic.

But the best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 PM on CBS (check local listings). Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

It's that great/crappy claymation and a great drinking game. Take a sip every time Rudolph's nose lights up to play "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic.

I've seen this show way too many times and can actually do most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of any houseguests). And I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer depicts the common literary theme regarding the struggle of man against

There are also, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superior flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarice. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the Reindeer Flight Practice.
• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? Throughout the entire show, it is appropriate to yell, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius!"
• Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
• All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning and stem cell research?
• Clarice's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities? Transgendered? PMS?
• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. King Moonracer is a caricature of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies. Discuss other examples of the Island of Misfit Toys undermining U.S. Foreign Policy.
• Rudolph's Mother and Clarice are initially denied joining in the search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
• The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?
• Santa "delivers" the toys by throwing them from his sled. Yet the BirdFish who we have learned earlier is unable to fly is not given an umbrella and is instead thrown to his death from Santa's sleigh. Is this an indictment against genetic mutations?

Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.

Parents Just Don't Understand

To the growing list of Things I Don't Get:

1. Twittering Kitties
2. Watching other people do things on tv that you can do in real life (dancing, card playing, being talentless)
3. Why the airlines hate us
4. The hubbub over gay marriage
5. Why anyone wants the key word hotel las vegas
6. The NFL Network
7. The Big Ten Network
8. Excessively Ostentatious Greed
9. Weezer
10. Any High School Musical
11. People Who Put Up Xmas Lights Before Thanksgiving
12. The Bailout
13. Amy Winehouse
14. How they decide what movies get made
15. Why people cheer for Kobe Bryant
16. Women's fascination with shoes and jewelry
17. Men's fascination with televised sports
18. Why Tony Kornheiser still lives
19. Why AIG Executives still live
20. How Alan Greenspan got so dumb so quickly
21. Why commercial radio sucks
22. How people live without an iPod
23. Why only 4 out of 5 dentist recommend sugar free gum
24. Rachel Ray's laugh
25. Why we don't get Veteran's Day off
26. Why we don't get 9/11 off
27. Organized religion
28. The mind of an Engineer
29. Who invented liquid soap and why
30. The Detroit Lions ineptitude

That is all. Please return to your appointed toil. Thank you.

Ghost In The Machine

Dear Senator Specter:

Thank you for your continued obsession concern with the New England Patriots and their alleged cheating by videotaping opposing teams. I'm sure this concern is not fueled by any rancor to the team that kept your home state's Pittsburgh Steelers from the Super Bowl in 2005 or that the Philadelphia Eagles lost that same Super Bowl to the Patriots. No, I'm certain you are only concerned about the welfare and integrity of the NFL. If the billionaire owners of the teams didn't have you looking out for their best interests, they probably wouldn't even be able to get their draft televised. Yes, the same draft that had the lowest ratings ever yet still outdrew the NBA playoffs.


I will admit that it is with some trepidation that I reviewed your comments that we should have an "objective investigation" much in the same vein as the Mitchell Report regarding steroids in baseball to investigate taping in football. And while estimates of the cost of the Mitchell Report put it at upward of 20 million dollars, maybe this time and money could be better spent investigating some other issues. Moreover, as you are still battling health issues, your time and leadership are very precious. Toward that end, I would respectfully submit that the interest of the public of the United States, the same public who votes in elections, would be better served if you would be able to investigate some, if not all, of the following issues:

• the price of gas
• Bigfoot
• a list of best diet pills
• why there is no flying car
• why there is no car that folds up into a briefcase
• why there is no flying car that folds up into a briefcase
• the location of Amelia Earhart
• why the Detroit Lions suck
• no cure for cancer (you may wish to move this to the top of the list)
• payola in the record industry
• payola in the film industry
• global warming
• an overly complicated tax code
• no universal health care
• why Kobe Bryant gets so many foul shots
• the increased media coverage of shark attacks
• immigration reform
• why the Big Ten conference has 11 teams
• why Chinese restaurants serve sushi rolls and Thai food
• why the Detroit Tigers suck this year
• why Canada is giving us their quarters that are unusable in our vending machines
• why New Kids on the Block were allowed to reunite
• why the Spice Girls were allowed to reunite
• who were clients 1 through 8
• why there is still no Aquaman movie
• why bacon is being rationed and only distributed in restaurants two pieces at a time
• why rice is being rationed
• why you are named after a fictional terrorist organization

I will grant you that these issues seem somewhat larger than the issue of football teams in Pennsylvania who are unable to beat the Patriots. But I would hope that you would also grant me some degree of relief from a news story that ended in September of last year when the NFL assessed its penalties.

Please let me know where and how many times I should vote for you in the event that you are able to address these issues.

Windmill Jousting

In addition to getting all those personalized domain names set up, I've been fighting with my wireless network for about a week now. While I'm not a complete geek, I do know about 'puters and I've set a home network up about 3 or 4 times.

Right now, however, I've got a notwork set up. That's a home network that is extremely secure from outside intrustion because it won't do shit. Everytime I hook up my router to my cable modem, it loses the interwebs connection. It doesn't matter what order I try rebooting, I'm stumped.

I wish I could get one of them there swell free hub. Unfortunately, I need one of those real geeks to fly over here on Virgin Atlantic and hook the bad boy up for me. It's really frustrating.

I'm not even sweating the speedtest. I know it'll work like a charm, but for some reason it's doing zip. I may need to get a crowbar if this keeps up all weekend.

Anyone else have something that just simply won't work no matter what you do? Besides your brother-in-law on the couch I mean.

Until You Drop

I have a confession to make. I hate shopping. Even online shopping. I just don't have the attention span to go up and down aisles in the store. I really hate grocery stores. I won't ever take a cart so I wind up carrying all my potential purchases around like a lower tier homeless person. Nor will I use those lame red baskets that always make me feel like Red Riding Hood and make we want to skip through the store. And they always put the baskets in the front. Why don't they put them randomly in the aisles for dopes like me who never grab a basket when they come in until they realize there's no way to carry around deodorant, a 12 pack, band aids and Italian bread until they're miles away from the front of the store?

And for some reason, despite all the improvements in search engine technology, I can't ever seem to find what I want.

Sure, I've tried Froogle in the past, but I was never that impressed. I mean how hard can it be to find the soundtrack to The Sure Thing just so you can finally score Ray Charles' version of Just Because? That's a quest I've actually given up on. When and if I ever do stumble across that soundtrack, I'm betting it's in vinyl so I'll be screwed anyway.

I especially hate shopping at the Gap. I actually believe that the Gap may have little shopping avatars on their web site that when you click on them for help, they actually ignore you just like in the real store. Or maybe you can hear them talk about their boyfriend. Or about how she's not going to work one second past five no matter what that stuck up manager thinks.

But there are some comparison sites that people seem to rave about to do a little online price compare.

The problem is that I don't really buy on price. Usually, I'm looking for something specific. If I can find it is the determining factor. How much is generally an afterthought. That being said, there's nothing like scoring a disposable piece of clothing.

Disposable clothing is anything that's marked down so much, that rather than wash it, you could just throw it away and would still be perfectly happy you bought it. Sure sometimes you wander by the sales rack and see that paisley shirt with the wide lapels and wonder, "Golly, why is this marked down? I can't believe suckers shoppers haven't snapped this up." Yes, I often have a sarcastic inner dialogue that makes fun of purchasing agents while I roam around during the day. It's just one of the many burdens I bear.

Now I've got to go to the grocery store and buy as much food as I can carry....

Rudy in the Sky With Santa

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Tuesday) at 8 pm (check local listings) on CBS. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is even older than me! And I'm too exhausted from throwing away all the detritus in my life to come up with an entirely new post.

Play along at home with your favorite beverage. When Rudolph's nose lights up, take a sip. Rudolph lights up and you're getting lit. You're going to hate seeing that damn Bumble again in the third act. I've seen this show a kajillion times and can actually recite most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching it with me). So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complex subplots and leitmotifs contained within the show. Don't let Rankin and Bass fool you, they're working on a whole other level here.

Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the unending struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?


• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?


• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern co-educational school system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is still ostracized by the other adolescent reindeer because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Note the prevalence of homo-erotic undertones throughout the reindeer games.


• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the drama. Is Yukon's non-use of his gun an indictment of the War in Iraq?


• The elves' working condictions are representative of the outsourcing of labor outside of the United States. Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?


• All the elf women are identical. Is this an early indictment of cloning and stem cell research?


• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?


• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?


• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?


• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?


• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?


• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?


• The worst snowstorm ever is clearly an indictment of global warming. Are reindeer a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?


• Yukon Cornelius' quest for silver and/or gold represents man's exploitation and destruction of the environment. Does his failure in his search for depletable mineral resources represent man's losing battle with the environment or merely the resiliancy of the human spirit?


• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left and Hermey and Yukon were left in bed together?


• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Evidence of this is when he pulls the Bumble's teeth to allow for greater oral gratification. Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?


• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?


• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?


• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?


• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at societal injustice and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up because that makes the intellectual discussions even better.

Things I Don't Get

There's lots of stuff that just excapes (that's how they say it here in the Midwest, youse guys) my understanding. I just shrug my shoulders and get on with my life. I'm never going to understand it, I certainly won't be able to change it and railing against it won't do anything other than get me hot and bothered.

Here are the list of windmills lately:

1) People who seem surprised to suddenly have to pay for their groceries

Seriously, Meemaw, when was the last time you walked out without paying? I know all old people steal (it's up to 83% now), but that you're shocked, shocked to find out that pretty coins are required to exit the grocery store is amazing.

True story, Meemaw was attempting to pay for a single can of cat food with change. As I was in a hurry to get on with my life, I said, "Let me" and gave the clerk 2$ for the can. It was my good deed for the year. Meemaw looked up at me sweetly with her watery blue eyes and patted me on the arm as she sniffed her thanks.

When I was finally done with my transaction, I saw her driving away in her brand new Cadillac. Yup, I'm a schmuck.

2) Watching Celebrities Dance

These are celebrities by only the widest stretch of the term. If you want to see crummy dancing, go to the Senior Center. More people watching Dancing With the Has Beens than the final game of the World Serious. Ow.

And why America likes aging swishy Englishmen to be their judges is beyond me.

3) Women Liking Joo-ry

I don't get it. But sparkly, shiny things are of great interest to the dominant species on our planet. I always buy Wife sparklies for major events: Xmas, Birthday, Anniversary, Fridays. I don't understand it, but I know how to use it to my advantage. It's like kryptonite. Bring a nice piece around and she'll be hyp-mo-tized. Then you can go watch basketball without a lot of questions.

4) Getting paid to blog

I'm not sure why people like to advertise on blogs. I'm going to do this anyway. If they want to slap a de minimus amount of cashola on me to help defray the cable bill every month, more power to them. I would never whore out and say something is good when it sucks. But then what doesn't suck anymore? I'd love to write about my swell experience with superiour customer service somewhere. But that hasn't happened since ought three. So I let the Smorty folk ply with me pennies. Does that make me a whore? Hey, I worked in the legal profession and for a chemical company. We've already established there's not much I won't do.

But if someone wants to offer me a million bucks to say what an effective job the Big Ten Network is doing at spreading its unique message of sportsmanship to the world, I'd like to have to tussle with that ethical dilemma.

5) Politicans

Here's a really old one. How do you know when a politician is lying? Their lips are moving. I can't take this for another year. I've already screamed at the tv during debates.

And why should Iowa get to matter in the scheme of things. So goes Iowa, so goes the country. If that doesn't keep you up at night, what does? Iowa already screwed up the Erotic Corn Dog Contest. Why should a state that exercises that poor type of judgment be allowed to impact the presidential race? And New Hampshire? Come on. You couldn't find that on a map if we spotted you Vermont and Massachusetts.

Here's another old one. What's the best thing to ever come out of Iowa? Interstate 80.

I kid because I care, Hawkeye State. Don't take it personally. Enjoy the scenic vistas of the Quad Cities and the rolling bluffs of the Council. Remember it could be worse. You could be in Minnesota.

Pirates v. Zombies

I don't know what's going on in Minneapolis. I'm not sure I want to know. While I still haven't heard about my pending candidacy as the State's Poet Laureate, it's a lock. And because I don't really know anything about Minnesota that I haven't learned from watching Vikings games, my homework has begun.

Apparently, some folks in the Twin Cities like dressing up like Zombies and Pirates and then hitting the bars. I didn't see any Zombie Pirates, but that would have been a nice touch to try to bring a rapprochement to the two groups. Because if Zombies and Pirates are going to be on the prowl in some establishments that serve adult refreshments, a little rowdiness and bloodshed is going to break out.

And I see that the Vikings are "bringing tailgating back to Vikings fans." I can't believe that the Zombies and Pirates ever let them take it away.

I think what knowing that semi-responsible adults like to dress go out dressed as Pirates and Zombies means is that the Minnesota Winter is reaaaaallly long.

Who do you think would win a Zombie v. Pirate fight? I'm unaware of any reference on the potential engagements other than the ongoing chronicles of Cap'n Jack Sparrow. And those don't seem to be historically accurate for some reason.

And in other zombie news, ESPN reports that the body of George Gip aka "The Gipper" was exhumed for a DNA sample. ESPN even filmed the event. While relatives claim it's for "personal family matters," it's really for Notre Dame to begin cloning it's own George Gip Zombie Football Team in an effort to salvage the year and become bowl eligible. I gotta think brain eating will draw a 15 yard penalty even in college.

Money, That's What I Want

I've never needed a cash advance. That's because I just bet against the Lions and sit back and watch the turnovers mount and the money roll in.

I don't really understand how cash advances work. I mean, they've got the money, but they're giving it to you. But just for a while. It's not like a house, that you're going to pay off in 30 years (if ever given the state of those variable mortgages right now).

But these payday loans and for short term. They know you can't be very good with money or you'd figure out how to make it last until payday. But they still give it to you. That's pretty trusting in my book.

Because if you just wanted me to "hold" your money for you, it'd be better held by placing it into a program for liquor and tawdry women. But you could always waste some of it.

Spinning Wheel

In England, 51 year old bachelor Robert Stewart has been accused of having sex with his bicycle while staying in a hostel. This is actually part of the plot for Hostel 3: Further Degradation?

Mister Man claims he was intoxicated and it was all just a misunderstanding. He thought the bike was at least 18 years old. I don't think this is the kind of bike riding you're supposed to do if you want to get into shape.

While I'll leave the "technical matters" of exactly how one has sex with a bicycle (try getting that out of your head the rest of the day) to the perverted imaginations of the interwebs, there's a lot of unresolved questions in this story.

1) Does he have to register as a sex offender?
2) Must he live at least 500 yards from any bike shops?
3) Is he technically a pedalphile?
4) Was the bike asking for it with that loose chain?
5) Is he prevented from attending the Tour de Drugs France?

6) Is his favorite movie Breaking Away or Pee Wee's Big Adventure?

7) Does the sound of a bell ringing arouse him?

8) Was it a men's bike or doesn't he swing that way?

9) Would a tandem bike make it a menage a trois?

10) Did he have to wear a helmet to make it safe sex?

11) Is he allowed to visit his training wheels without supervision?

12) Did he lock up the bike or isn't he into S&M?

13) Does he have a tattoo saying Schwin?

14) If he rides a unicycle, does that count as self-pleasure?

15) Was he wearing something white at night?

There may be more, but that should get you started.

Dear John Letter

Dear John:

This is hard for me. I'm trying to be objective, but where you're concerned, I'll always have trouble.

I always stop when One Crazy Summer (including last night and I like to think you got to hit that pre-implant Demi Moore) or Better Off Dead is on cable. I want my two dollars is a common saying. I know way too much about the black Camaro Monique helped you fix up. I bought Tapeheads because that was the only way to see it. I saw Anastasia just because you were a voice.

That kind of foolish devotion, should give me the right to ask one question:

What the hell happened to you?

Where's the cute, quirky, off-beat funny kid I had my first man crush on from The Sure Thing?

Two horror movies in a row? Did you have some kind of falling out with your agent? I don't care if you are in 1408 with the coolest motherfucker on the planet, you can't follow up Identity with another horror flick. Even if Stephen King did write the short story it's based on.

C'mon, Lloyd Dobler. Where's the underdog, unconventional hero we all fell in love with? Even when you were stealing scenes from Rob Lowe and Anthony Michael Hall, it was obvious you were destined for greatness.

You get a free pass for Serendipity because you just wanted to work with Mr. Piven. But Must Love Dogs? Even if you do get Diane Lane in the end, it couldn't have been worth it. If you have to go Leading Man for the cash, don't do it formulaic. Remember Gross Pointe Blank? You can do Leading Man and action. You stole Con Air. Playing a cop no less.

And don't get me started on America's Sweethearts. But if I could get paid to be Catherine Zeta-Jones's former lover, I might have to do it even if the script sucked. And I like to think that you hit that during High Fidelity.

I'm sorry no one saw Max. But, c'mon, Private Gibson, how popular did you think a movie about Hitler was going to be? One that wasn't a musical anyway.

I cut you slack even though you seemingly get rained on in every movie. Say Anything was set in Seattle so that's understandable. Isn't it getting a little cliche not to mention miserable to film? You break up and then get rained on while you stand in the street and pine for the girl. We get it. You're feeling low. Lose the rain machine next time.

Did you peak too soon? Grifters and Being John Malkovich are hard to top. Maybe you're just going commercial to raise some cash for a pet project you've got going ala Medellin? Maybe that's it, call Piv for a quick role in Entourage.

Please, John, come back to us. Do something deep and funny and great again. A little angst, a little self doubt, some nuanced acting and a few wisecracks and you'll be back on top. You've still got it in you.

I hope.

Worth a Thousand Words

Does anyone own one of those digital picture frames? I don't know anyone who owns one but that may be because I know a lot of geeks. They've just got pix on their computers or their wall paper or their screen saver.

One of the tricks one of my buddies used to do was whenever someone was presenting in a business meeting and started to jabber so long that their screen saver came on and it was a picture of their kids, he'd pipe up and say something along the lines of "Who's that ugly kid?" For some reason, the presenter parent never really seemed to think that was very funny. Wonder why?

But I digress. As usual.

I think the reason I don't have a digital frame is that I don't really like pictures that much. Oh, sure they're swell when they're on your My Space page and you're holding up pumpkins to your breasts, but once you make the Miss America pageant, they get leaked and then you've got a real PR problem on your hands. Or chest as it were. Yes, Miss New Jersey. I'm talking to you.


Plus, Wife and I seem to have no good pictures of ourselves. When we go someplace on vacation, we're usually looking to get away from people. So that when we finally find something goofy to take a picture of, it's only one of us in it. Or it's just a picture of a sign that doesn't make sense or is mis-spelled or warns of impending lava flows.

Digital cameras are great. Because everyone is too lazy to actually print out the photos so you're never stuck looking at someone else's vacation photos. I'm old enough to remember when my Pop used to bust out the slide projector and we'd get stuck looking at all those old vacation photos. Ugh. Man, my sibs looked miserable in all those photos. Thank goodness the parents got that driving wanderlust out of their system before I was around. Pop tells such romantic sounding stories about how they stayed at rustic camprounds all the way from Ohio to California. And those photos of the flash flood in Nevada and having to stop the car on the highway at a highspot and watching the water start to cover the road below them really sounds like a great time.

I also can't imagine giving a digital photo frame to someone with pictures of yourself in it. That's a pretty healthy self-image if you go that route. I know you're enamored of me, but when I'm not around, you can look at all these various poses of me. Try to restrain yourself. If you do something like that, you probably also refer to yourself in the third person.

The concept of a digital frame is a great one. Anyone pulled it off successfully? Giving it or getting it?

Getting the Hell Out Redux

Thanks for all the swell suggestions about where Wife and I should buy real estate. Just to recap the advice, it was:

• San Fran
• Vermont
• Savannah
• Oregon
• Texas

I'm not sure about San Fran. All those Californians and you need to take out a cash advance just to pay for your parking. I really think the entire economy of San Francisco is based upon coffee shops and parking. Wife has to travel there on business a fair amount. And if we could somehow exist in a cardboard box, it would be perfect.

Vermont? What's in Vermont other than Bob Newhart's fictional inn? Do they make Maple Syrup there? Seriously, I don't know anything about Vermont other than it's supposed to be nice in the Fall. Just like Michigan. Not enough to warrant staying there.

Savannah is still on the list. I did read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil though I never saw the movie despite John Cusack's inclusion in the cast. This one is still in the running.

Oregon is a mystery. I don't know anything about it other than the University mascot is the duck. And that Californians are moving up there at a rapid pace and that the Oregonians aren't too crazy about it. Is it as rainy as Washington state? A good possibility?

Texas is out. Wife and I both had the opportunity to work with lots of Texans. I believe that Texans are where all the rumors about ugly Americans come from. I know some great Texans. But I know a lot more worse ones.

Yeah, we're still clueless about where we should go. That RV Lifestyle is sounding better and better.

And I'm a little surprised no one suggest that I go to Hell, Michigan to retire. Because that's probably where I'm going to wind up anyway. Interestingly enough, Hell isn't that far away from Climax.

Going Home

I don't get it. Why do people who used to live someplace want to go back and look around even though they don't know anyone there now and haven't been back in 20 years?

Is this a Universal Truth?

I got stuck driving my Pop around the bump in the road where I grew up last Summer. We even had to drive by all three houses the family had lived in (including the real shitholes before I was born). You could tell these places didn't exactly have chandeliers or under cabinet lighting.
And yes, that skulker in the red ball cap with his pants in his jeans is the Old Man aka Pop. Tell me you wouldn't call the authorities if you saw that guy on your driveway. At the very least get out the No Soliciting sign because you know he's always got to be closing.

Of course we had to take lots of pictures of houses now owned by strangers. I can't believe no one calls the cops when people with out of state plates stop in the middle of a street and start taking pictures of random houses. Luckily, no one seemed to be home at any of these unsuspecting domiciles or we'd have probably been stuck in a half hour conversation about what the house used to be like before you bought it and let it go to pot. "I remember when this was all farmland...." Never get a Peepaw started about what the place used to be like unless you've got a comfortable chair close by.

I also had a buddy of mine make me drive by his old apartment so that we could see if the green door he had put up was still there. Yeah, I didn't get it either.

And today Wife is stuck driving her parents down to where they used to live in Detroit some 20 years ago. She's lucky though, her parents won't want to get out of the car and go all stalky on the new residents.

Sorry about the funky formatting kids, Blogger is being cranky today with the swell photo insert.

What about you? Do you go back to where you used to live and see how the new residents are treating the joint? Do you silently judge their yardwork and handyman proficiency? Or are you like me, once you're gone it's "Later, losers" and you could care less about the old joint?