Friday, August 24, 2007

Summer Love

This is what happens when too many meds meet too much daytime tv.

To the tune of Summer Nights from Grease (which is even better with Legos):

Summer cold my nose had a blast
Summer cold hit me so fast
Got a virus wife brought to me
An evil virus, it waylaid me

Summer days blowing away
to oh oh the summer nights
Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more
Did you get very sick?
Tell me more, tell me more
Like was your mucus thick?

Hit the workplace, infected all
Sneezed on office desks and bathroom stall
I spread my germs, they'll get it soon
Enjoy the illness, you're gonna swoon.

Summer cold, never gets old,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

Were you coughing some too?
Tell me more, tell me more
Please your illness review

Had a fever of 103
Lots of aches down in my knees
Stayed in bed, felt just like shit
Couldn't sleep, my head's gonna split

Summer sick, cold you can't kick,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

All that phlegm make you gag?
Tell me more, tell me more
Cause it sounds like a drag

Felt real weak, couldn't drive a mile
But I love that Nyquil green smile
Take your meds, make the room spin
Now my nose, it has no skin

Summer chills, take lots of pills,
but oh oh the summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more

How long can you live on soup?
Tell me more, tell me more
Think I may have the croup

Felt so colder - that's where it ends
But my doctor she recommends
That I stay here in my bed
Pretty soon I will be dead

Fever dreams and Vaporub creams,
but oh those summer colds
Tell me more, tell me more.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Songsational New Jersey

If you haven't heard, New Jersey has fixed everything and is now looking for a State Song. In fact, Jersey is the only one of the 50 states that doesn't have an official state song.

You may remember when Jersey was taking suggestions for a new State motto. The winner was "What're You Looking At" after it narrowly beat out "You Didn't See Nuthin" in the online vote.

Apparently the highly-esteemed Jersey legislature (4 weeks without an indictment) voted Red Mascara's "I'm From New Jersey" as the State Song but the Governor wouldn't sign this very important step forward for the New Jersey Citizenry into law. So it's only the unofficial state song.

The legislature did agree that every high school graduate is to be given their very own piece of travelpro luggage. So they can get the hell out. And a road map to New York.

But until the various sides can put aside their partisan politics and address this divisive issue, here are some suggestions for Jersey:

  • Blinded by the Blight by Bruce Springsteen
  • Big Girls Do Cry (especially if they live in Jersey) by Franki Valli & the Four Seasons
  • Wanted Dead or Bayonne by Jon Bon Jovi
  • Surfin' Ho-Ho-Kus by the Beach Boys
  • I Don't Want to Go Home by Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes
  • Lyndhurst is My Lady by Frank Sinatra
  • Lullaby of Bay Head by Sarah Vaughan
  • I'll Never Fall in Lodi Again by Dionne Warwick
  • After You've Gone to Glassboro by Count Basie
  • If You See My Barnegat Light also by the Count
  • Every Ghetto, Every City by Lauryn Hill
  • Squeeze the Trigger by Ice-T

Wasted Days, Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender was rejected as Freddy isn't actually from the Shore. I'm just kidding Jersey Boys & Girls. We kid because we care. Kinda.

I'm sure I've missed a few so feel free to play along at home, kids.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Go, Meemaw, Go

If you're a burglar in St. Petersburg, Florida, and are thinking about a little b & e, stay the hell away from Shirley Ives' house. Because she's got an ice pick and she's not afraid to use it.

Dion P. Sooko found out the hard way when he broke into Shirley's house and she had to "give him a little nick."

I think she should set up her home lighting and put that pick on display. Let any burglar who gets in see it in bright shiny light and know she's going to carve her initials in their chest if they mess with my girly Shirley.

And now she's got a taser as well.

Now these are the kind of feel good stories we ought to see in the news every day. I love stories about old people kicking unsuspecting criminal ass. In fact, that would probably be a great tv series. We could dig up Angela Lansbury and let her go medieval on some young punk each week. That would be a lot better than just solving some mysteries.

Too Late

I recently got a graduation announcement in the mail. Granted this is from a family member I know so it's not particularly surprising it took her 90 days after the graduation event occurred to get her shit in gear.

I mean you need to buy the announcements, get stamps, address them all, make a subtle plea for continuing educational resources.

But what is the statue of limitations on graduation announcements?

Now it's not like this young lady just graduated from Harvard. It's a lesser institution and I'm fairly certain she was not so besieged with job offers that she's just now getting around to the begging task at hand.

I mean, what's keeping anyone from saying, "It's been 15 years since I was in school, but I'd like some cash or at the very least a nice pen I can lose in a couple of weeks from you." Though they'd probably have trouble losing this.

I'm definitely sending a check instead of cash. There's good chance she'll lose it.....

Keep On Truckin'

In Berlin, 10 extras were hurt on the set of Tom Cruise's new movie, Valkyrie, when they fell out of a truck. No word on whether there was a truck bed liner. Typical shoddy journalism.

Nice try, Sweet Baby Jesus. But we want you to smite Tom Cruise not just some unsuspecting extras who had the misfortune to be cast in this turkey-to-be. Although to be sure, anyone who contributes to a Tom Cruise movie isn't innocent, but it's a degree of assbaggery. If you can take Tiny Tommy out (and granted he's got to be a very wee target from up there in heaven), it'll nip it, nip it, nip it in the bud.

This way, they'll just round up some other unsuspecting extras (like Andy Millman) and stick them on the truck. Please, SBJ, go for the teeny, tiny jugular if you're looking for something to smite.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Everyone Knows It's Lindsay

Exploiting the problems of someone else is cruel and heartless. Luckily, Cruel & Heartless is the name of Paul & Storm's classic rock cover band.
To the tune of Windy (with apologies to The Association)

Who is the red head, Hollywood starlet?
Living a life that's consequence free.
Who keeps tequila in the Mercedes?
Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

Who hasn't made a good flick since Mean Girls?
Who's making Paris and Brittney look sane?
Who's room in rehab has a bartender?
Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

And Lindsay has bloodshot eyes
Give Lindsay some Biggie Fries
Cause Lindsay has two big thighs
And a spoon up her nose
A spoon up her nose
A spoon up her nose
That's where it goes

Who took a spin when she had been drinking?
Who had a pocket filled with cocaine?
Who's headed for some time in the pokey?
Everyone knows it's Lindsay.
Who maybe should have hired a driver?
Everyone knows it's Lindsay.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

These Shoes Are Made For Walking

I know they have distressed jeans, distressed hats and even faux distressed sweatshirts.

They need to start selling distressed Air Jordans. While my new kicks are swell, they look too new.

I want some shoes that look like His Airness has already played in them.

And I'd like to have them already be broken in. Cause if you're running errands in blinding white shoes, you really ought to be wearing black socks up to your knees and plaid shorts hiked up to your nipples. That's always a good look. Even better if you're an older gentleman.

Is there a good way to break in shoes that doesn't require breaking your feets? I usually just wear them around the house. I don't understand how sitting around watching tv breaks in shoes, but that usually works for me.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Getting My Kicks Off Route 66

Many thanks to all for the nice words about my BIL. It was a really weird time. It wasn't a funeral, it wasn't a memorial, it wasn't a wake, it wasn't a party. There's no noun I can think of for sitting around with strangers who were acquaintances of someone you were related to by marriage. There's got to be a sniglet for this kind of event. I shook so many hands of people I didn't care about, that could probably run for mayor.

While I haven't attended many funerals (probably only 3), I did realize some things:

1) A great way to kill any conversation you don't want to have is to tell the speakee that you're travelling for a funeral. I'm using this on every plane I ever take again.

2) My brothers will never get along.

3) My parents continue to shrink. I think they're going to implode and just vanish at some point in the future.

4) Robert Montgomery Knight (also getting screwed on his flight in the Minneapolis airport) is bigger in person than he appears on tv but sounds exactly like he does on tv. Yes, my brush with greatness. I figure he was headed to Bozeman, MT for a little fishing and not a recruiting trip.

5) The graffiti at the bar I used to go to is still great. My favorite was "Don't let me get naked and don't let me start a tab." That's good advice, kids.

6) If you're having to "play a zone" while on the plane, you should be driving. "Playing a zone" is when the kids outnumber the parents. You can't cover them one on one, so you've got to go zone.

7) When did the airline industry become so cash-strapped that they figured the $2 they could get for a can of Pringles would put them over the top? I didn't see many takers either. If they're going to charge $5 for an alcoholic beverage, there really ought to be naked people on the plane.

And while I was gone on the death run, I did get my my swell new Air Jordan kicks. Mars Blackmon and Turtle ain't got nothing on me.

I'll bet I can dunk again. As far as you know.

Lesser Known Tucson Facts

I had forgotten that in 'Zona's Southern Capitol, there are some strange things going on.

1) There are an abundance of shitty, little apartments because of the school and the Air Force base.

2) If you are a realtor, you have more clients than actual houses to sell in Tucson.

3) If you're in a bar and your shirt says "DOUCHE" on the front, of course it will say "BAG" on the back.

4) The best restaurants are the ones where you're the only white guy and the menu is in Spanish.

5) It's a dry heat; even if it is 105 F. You're oven on "LOW" is also a dry heat.

6) Old people can't drive. No matter what state they're in.

7) "I drink to make other people interesting" will always be my motto. Thank you Bob Dobb.

8) Your city should have more than 4 streets than run North to South.

9) If it's 80 degrees when you wake up, you're going to need antiperspirant for your balls.

10) When it rains in the desert, it'll be fun when you sit outside. Even if you aren't afraid of lightning.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

To Scotty G

I don't like to talk about my family that often. First, they're crazy. Second, you don't know them. And stories about people you don't know make me bored when I have to listen to them. So bail if you want to now.....

But sometimes this here blog isn't about my adventures fighting crime or boobies or the non-relative crazies in Ohio. So this one is for me. Yeah, just like most of the jokes.

My brother in law just passed away. He was pretty fucked up from a long illness and had a bleeding esophagus that they couldn't repair. So he went into Hospice Care on Tuesday and was gone in less than a day. So for a memorial service, I'm going back to 'Zona, 'Zona, 'Zona. I'm going back to 'Zona. I really think so.

And because you never knew my BIL Scotty G, here's a few stories that may help you get him.

He coined the phrase "The Outlaws" for all the poor people who made the poor choice to marry into our family. At family gatherings, he used to take all the in-laws together for a quick beverage. The Outlaws tended not to understand how a euchre game can dissolve into a shouting match, cursing, new partners and still be a great time.

Once we rented a houseboat on Lake Powell. We had beached it for the afternoon and were sitting on deck. One fly kept annoying us. Scotty kept trying to swat it and missing. I explained to him that fly eyes are so complex and their brains are so small that if he wanted to catch it, he needed to put his hands on both sides of its head with two piece of Kleenex and they'd just vapor lock. He ignored Mr. Science's advice and continued to swat at the fly ineffectually. I finally got up, got two paper towels, approached the fly like I'd told him and killed it on the first try. His response, "Fucking college kids."

During one family gathering, we had some wine, but no one had brought an opener. Scotty swore that if you wrapped a towel around a bottle and hit it at just the right angle, the cork would shoot down into the bottle and you could drink it. Two shots to a supporting pillar later, the bottle broke and wine spilled all over the deck. Scotty's response, "Why don't you people just drink rum & coke like I do?"

When Scotty owned his own business, he named it Scott Free Enterprises, Extremely Limited.

He used to call everyone "Chief" when he didn't know someone's name. This was especially amusing when we were driving through Arizona and asked for directions. Seeing Scotty's face as he realized he just called a Native American woman Chief was priceless.

It was a lot easier typing these stories than it will be telling them while choaking back the tears at the memorial service. Bye, Scotty. I'll miss you.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


As the self-proclaimed Poet Laureate for the Cleavacious Adjustable Bra, please enjoy this latest bastardization edition. Remember kids, great art (shut it) isn't meant to be read. It's meant to be performed. So feel free to bust this one out for your office mates. I'm sure they'll thank you for it. And you're on your own for the choreography.....

Cleavalicious (to the "tune," such as it is, of Fergalicious)

Listen up kids,
Cuz this be it
The song that I'm stealin'
Is Cleavalicious.

Cleavalicious definition make them boys go loco
Want chest treasure
So they get their pleasures from my demo
You can see the girls,
Relaxing at day.
I ain't easy,
I ain't sleazy
But the girls are up at night.
When boys just want to play.

Cleavalicious (Clevalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
This chest ain't fictitious
I just adjust it (lifting)
That shows the girls off rock, rock
And they be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

Cleavalicious (They're hot, hot)
Cleavalicious (I put the girls up rock, rock)
Cleavalicious (they wanna see what I got)
Cleavalicious (l-l-l-l-l- lusty busty)

Cleavalicious def-, Cleavalicious def-, Cleavalicious def- [def fading echo]
Cleavalicious definition not about where the Browns play
They always claim they know me
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey Stacy)
I'm the K to the A, R, E the Y the W
And can't no other lady invent it like me

I'm Cleavalicious (so delicious)
My body stay auspicious
Don't go to the doctor for a chest that is judicious
Be my witness (oooh wee)

I put yo' bra on rock rock
And boys be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So auspicious (It's hot, hot)
So auspicious (I put them up rock, rock)
So auspicious (Boyz wanna see what I got)
Cleavalicious (strap strap strap strap strap up, check it out)

Baby, baby, baby
If you really wanna boy
Honey get this new bra
And then he'll be your toy
You'll look tasty, tasty,
It's not lined with lacey
You'll look so tasty, tasty,
It'll make him crazy.

C to the H to the E S T Y girl you chesty,
B to the U to the S T and Y girl you busty
D to the E to the L I C I O U S,
to the D to the E to the, to the, to the, hit it

Whenever I lift them up
Always brothas come close up
Always looking at my cup and down
Checking out my (uuhh)
I just wanna show them now
I ain't tryin to cause a scene know what I mean
I don't wanna take your man
And I know I'm comin off just a little bit stuck up
And I keep on repeating how the girls gonna lift up
But I'm tryin' to tell,
That I'll be treated like a bombshell
Cuz' they say she

Cleavalicious (So propitious)
But I ain't promiscuous
While raisins are nutritious
This chest ain't fictitious
I just adjust it (heft)
That shows the girls off rock, rock
And they be lining down the block
Just to watch what I got (got, got, got)

Four, tres, two, uno
My body stay auspicious
Even though these lyrics
Are quite repetitious (ooh wee)
I lift the girls up rock rock
And they be coming down the block
Just to see what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So Cleavalicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So Cleavaliciou (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So Cleavalicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Cleavalicious, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch chesty, chesty
It's so delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So repetitious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
And pernicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Cleavalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (aye, aye, aye, aye)

K to the A to the R E Y and W
Girl you smart,
K to the A, to the R E Y and W
Girl you impart
K to the A to the R E Y and W
Chest work of art
K to the A, to, R E Y and W
Not so hasty
K to the A, to the, to the (four, tres, two, uno)
Least I can spell tasty.

Please pity me for how many times I had to listen to that song on You Tube. And be glad I pitied you and didn't embed it. Mea culpa indeed.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Girls Gone Nationwide

I've written previously, lobbied for, and even waxed poetic about the greatest bra in the world, the Cleavacious. And yes, that is the best interactive product demonstration ever at their web site.

You may remember the adjustable Cleavacious. As one verbally gifted user said, "I love the fact I have the option - during the day you keep the girls in, and at night you break them out." As I'm not a personal user, I'll have to take her (and many anonymous commenters) word for it in the absence of photographic proof of people "breaking them out."

Flack & Proud recently got an update from the Best Inventor in the World, Karey Weyenberg about the amazing, adjustable Cleavacious bra.

It's now available online at Jaque Pennay, in New York at Macy's in, in California at Bloomingdales, in Chicago at Lord and Taylor. Next week the Cleavacious conquers Boston. In fact Karey even emailed me with the following:

I want to let you know that back in the day I really appreciated your "support" at a time when I needed an "uplift." I pray our product "blossoms."

Hey, Karey, I make the lame boobie jokes 'round these parts.

Now let me bounce another great idea off of you. You've heard of the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. How 'bout the Cleavacious Winnebago? We can help educate the 85% of the female population who wear the wrong sized bra.

I'll drive around the country handing out Cleavacious bras and compile my "research" of before and after pictures and personal stories about how the Cleavacious changed women's lives. It'll be like a Extreme Makeover Breasticle Edition. And people can show how much they love their magic Cleavacious bra by showing it to the Winnebago when it comes to your neighborhood!

There's got to be some way I can horn in on this because Cleavacious Poet Laureate hasn't really taken off like I thought it would.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Keep On Truckin'

If you've got 30 large burning a hole in your pantaloons, feel free to go make a big on Tony Soprano's SUV. Cereal, it's available over on eBay.

You might think it's all fun and games to drive Big Tony's former ride. But there are some quirks to the vehicle:
  • CD stops before completion of any Journey song
  • Interior smells of cigar smoke
  • Driving a former Mob Boss's car is probable cause so you're going to need good truck accident lawyer to get you out of all those scrapes with the Jersey Polices
  • Trunk smells like corpse and has mysterious "mud stains"
  • Some bullet holes in driver's rear quarter panel
  • Plenty of head room for the girls from the Bada Bing
  • Numerous spaghetti sauce stains on upholstery
  • Various bullet casings under carpeting
  • Car shimmies when going faster than 90 from when he ran that guy down
  • Shotgun blasts in ceiling are not technically an after market "moon roof"
  • Trunk can be opened from the inside
  • Explosive devices occasionally discovered underneath chassis
  • Pieces of Phil Leotardo's brain stuck in tread of right front tire
  • A.J. will consistently ask to borrow it
  • Steering wheel doesn't feel right without a pinky ring

Head over and get bidding kids. I want to cruise down to the Stone Pony in style.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Spinning Wheel

In England, 51 year old bachelor Robert Stewart has been accused of having sex with his bicycle while staying in a hostel. This is actually part of the plot for Hostel 3: Further Degradation?
Mister Man claims he was intoxicated and it was all just a misunderstanding. He thought the bike was at least 18 years old. I don't think this is the kind of bike riding you're supposed to do if you want to get into shape.

While I'll leave the "technical matters" of exactly how one has sex with a bicycle (try getting that out of your head the rest of the day) to the perverted imaginations of the interwebs, there's a lot of unresolved questions in this story.

1) Does he have to register as a sex offender?
2) Must he live at least 500 yards from any bike shops?
3) Is he technically a pedalphile?
4) Was the bike asking for it with that loose chain?
5) Is he prevented from attending the Tour de Drugs France?
6) Is his favorite movie Breaking Away or Pee Wee's Big Adventure?
7) Does the sound of a bell ringing arouse him?
8) Was it a men's bike or doesn't he swing that way?
9) Would a tandem bike make it a menage a trois?
10) Did he have to wear a helmet to make it safe sex?
11) Is he allowed to visit his training wheels without supervision?
12) Did he lock up the bike or isn't he into S&M?
13) Does he have a tattoo saying Schwin?
14) If he rides a unicycle, does that count as self-pleasure?
15) Was he wearing something white at night?

There may be more, but that should get you started.