Monday, November 20, 2006

Happy Pranksgiving

Man, I couldn't believe what a pain it was to get a flight out of Rome to Columbus for the Big Game. You'd think a Toledo girl would have more sense than to schedule a wedding for the UM-OSU game. It's every year for crying out loud. Luckily, she liked the monogrammed anal beads with Tom's picture on them and plans on using them with him right away. Hey, I figured that's where his head has been for about the last year anyway. Hopefully when he says "pull" she'll yank like she's starting a lawnmower and that'll be the last we hear from him for a while.
And that kid? Ugh, his height and her talent. Make sure you invest some of your parents' money, Suri.

Well I'm off on my annual soujourn to the sun. Normally, I'd wait till later in the week to post this, but I'm outta here after today and won't be back till December.

Anyway on to our real topic of the day--Thanksgiving Pranks. Here are a couple of classics:

1) Answer the door with the turkey neck hanging out of your fly. Act as if nothing is amiss.

2) Put a Cornish Game Hen inside of your turkey. Upon carving the turkey loudly declare, "Wow, this bird must have been pregnant." This may upset the pro-lifers in attendance so much that they won't have any turkey at all. More for you! If you want to pull a double freak out, put an egg inside the hen as well.

3) When everyone around the table gives thanks, make sure your contribution is "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." Refuse to elaborate.

Later kids. I'll be having some Jerk Turkey with the locals and crashing at this joint. Hope it snows like hell back here in Michigan.

Yup, I'm trading tv, phones and 'puters for snorkeling, Red Stripe and jerk chicken. Doesn't sound like an even swap to me. Enjoy the turkey pot pie and Wild Turkey.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Big Game

If you've been conscious the past three weeks, you may have heard abou the BIG GAME which is happening today. Yup, it's finally here. And if you don't watch the game (including all the pre-game hype) you may actually die.

Now the event has a bit of a shadow over it because of the passing of the former coach. Luckily, our Detroit paper only has two 8 page inserts all about Bo. Even the band formed to hate him, the Dead Schembechlers, has disbanded.

Now I was talking to the head of the local OSU alumni club and he said, "I want to see a body."

Yup, you've got the admire a former coach who'd actually kill himself right before the big game just to fire up the troops. That's dedication.

Too soon? Bullshit. The Arrogant Asses from Ann Arbor would do anything to beat OSU for a change.

Personally, I'm hoping for a 0-0 tie, a bus crash involving both teams and a BCS game for Boise State and Rutgers. If that won't finally get us a football playoff, nothing will.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Holdin' On

There is nothing more magnificent in this great big universe than the choice of hold music your doctor selects.

Currently, I am rocking to the musical stylings of both Hall and Oates. Despite their insistance, however, his kiss is not on my lips. Please check out that link because you'll get to hear the really annoying Christmas album they're pimping.

Is it just me, or does Oates look like Borat in that swell pix over there? All he needs is a grey suit.
High five! Sexy time!
My guess is that if the hold music is so heinous, you won't actually hold on. You're more likely to kill yourself. And that frees up appointments for the rest of us.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Goofy is as Goofy Does

Leave it to the French to take something nice and wholesome and taint it. That's why we love them. At EuroDisney, there was a secret video showing some of the character actors acting up. And by "acting up," I mean simulating sex acts.

Here it is, I'll wait for you. I'd embed it, but it's not possible by the guy (or is that pronounced "Gee") who uploaded it.

I'll never be able to look Minnie in the eye again.

Which reminds me of a very old joke:

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The Judge looked over his glasses and said, "Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid that mental illness is not grounds for divorce in the State of Florida."

Mickey replied, "No, your Honor. I don't mean she's crazy, she's fucking Goofy!"

Gawrsh indeed.

Monday, November 13, 2006

On a Long Lonesome Highway, East of Saginaw

For anyone who is interested, yes, Mr. Seger did rock very hard. Here's the set list:
  • Roll Me Away
  • Tryin' to Live My Life Without You
  • Wreck This Heart
  • Mainstreet
  • Old Time Rock & Roll
  • Wait for Me
  • Face the Promise
  • No More
  • Simplicity
  • Betty Lou's Getting Out Tonight
  • We've Got Tonight
  • Turn the page
  • Travelin' Man
  • Beautiful Loser
  • Ramblin' Gamblin' Man
  • C'est La Vie
  • Answer's In the Question
  • Sightseeing
  • Sunspot Baby
  • Horizontal Bop
  • Katmandu

Encore #1

  • Night Moves
  • Hollywood Nights

Encore #2

  • Against the Wind
  • Rock and Roll Never Forgets
Yes, we more than got our money's worth. And when he finished Katmandu, Bob said, "Goodnight everybody" exactly like on the Live Bullet album.

My favorite was when the women sitting behind us kept shrieking in a tone reminiscent of nails on a blackboard "Bob Seeeeeeeger" even before the warm up band came out. Luckily, one of the smart asses with us began yelling "Bob Saget" which shut them up for a while.

I had forgotten my rare ability to be seated adjacent to the biggest assholes in the entire show. I also liked when someone physically touched our group and said, "Get up, guys." Yeah, because I just can't enjoy a good show until the people in front of me stand up. Yes, I knew the length of the show and was pacing myself, Sgt. Hulka. I waited until Old Time Rock and Roll to get up and rock. Luckily the alcohol soon took effect and they tuckered themselves out and settled in for a nice nap. And no one hurled around us.

Wife and I did not dance the Bear Hug during We've Got Tonight. It would have been just like high school because they played that song at every stinking dance I ever attended.

Everyone did know all the words to all the songs. That was also the oldest crowd I've ever seen at any music concert anywhere. Bob still can't dance, but he can punch with the best of them. Alto Reed still moves and wails on the sax.

And to the hardest rockin' Gramma in the greater mid-west who danced the entire show even the times she was sitting in her seat and her husband was dozing next to her, you rock, Meemaw.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


I'd just like to take a moment to thank the fine folks at ESPNWHO for giving me my Saturday afternoons back.

If you haven't heard of ESPNWHO, it's by the same folks who brought you Mobile ESPN. You know, the defunct cell phone service that lasted less than a year. ESPNWHO is in an estimated 8 millions homes. Luckily, I'm not one of them.

So I can quit suffering the losses of my alma mater. I didn't want to watch Senior Day on television and see the poor kids who suffered through another disappointing season in which their coach got fired.

You know the same big, tough kids who still managed to tear up when talking about their departed coach.

You know the same kids who staged the biggest comeback in NCAA Division 1 football history.

You know the kids who need to win their last two games to go to some lame pre-New Year's bowl game like the Motor City Bowl.

And a winter bus ride to downtown Detroit would be a real reward for some kids who have never been in a bowl game during their collegiate career because the program is in such disarray.

So thank you ESPNWHO. I'm getting some laundry done while listening to the golden tones of George Blaha. He's the only announcer who lets you know your favorite team is moving left to right across your radio dial. And yes, they're already losing and the starting quarterback was hit so hard it broke his helmet and he's been knocked loopy with a concussion and is out of the game. What a way to end your career. Somehow, that's perfectly fitting for this season.

So that's a lot of stress in my life I don't need.

But I'm not sure if I should be concerned that the cheerleaders new cheer is:

There's no rhyme
There's no reason
We can't wait
For basketball season.

Hope your teams are doing better this weekend my fellow alums.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Old Time Rock & Roll

Normally living in the hinterland doesn't lend itself to great concerts. Unless it's at the nearby clip joint (which tends to skew more toward the country crowd), it's at least a two hour drive to Detroit.

Luckily, Bob Seger is a local boy and giving a bit back to the farmers and musically deprived by playing in Saginaw tonight. The arena only holds about 7,000 so it's going to be an intimate evening with the man from K-k-k-k-k-k-katmandu. Yup, we're lucky enough ducks to score the second show on the tour.

And reviews from the debut in Grand Rapids say Bob is the hardest rocking 61 year old in the Midwest. Bob plays for more than 2 hours with multiple encores. Too bad the concert isn't sponsored by Chevy as payback for his long running Like a Rock song. Luckily it is sponsored by the Amigo.

And if you haven't scored his latest album, Face the Promise, it rocks. Providing you still like rock and roll that is. It's nice that someone still plays rock and roll.

I've always liked his faster stuff than the slow stuff. I'll confess to never really liking Turn the Page that much, but absolutely love Katmandu, Old Time Rock and Roll, Sunspot Baby, Hollywood Nights and too many to list here. Let's hope he plays a lot of the fast stuff.

And I've got to hit an inconvenience store (all the stuff is on really high shelves) and score a lighter for the encore. No holding up a cell phone for this boy. We're rocking old school tonight.

Rock and roll ,my brothers and sisters. Now put down that candlestick holder and quit dancing in your underwear just because your parents are out of town.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

My Haiku

I'm not sure I've got the power or prosaic skills to keep this up or I'd have called it Weekly Haiku.

But after a recent visit to Tar-jay, I couldn't take it anymore.

After Hallowe'en
Trees and lights are on display
God damn retailers.

I am emotionally unprepared for the Yule season. But seeing snowflake decorations while you're still raking the damn leaves should be against the law. Maybe the Dems can take care of this now that they're in charge.

Just wait till they start ringing those fucking bells! Bah, humbug. And it's only November 9th.
There's also going to be a new Shrek Xmas special. I don't know how good it will be, but maybe it'll give Rudolph and A Christmas Story a run for their money.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Fed X

You've probably been basking in the sweet, lazy afterglow of the election. Slowly sliding your ballot into the slot. Achingly poked that little pin through the holes in the ballot while your hands shook with the joy of executing your civic contract with America. And if that's not an analogy for what's going to happen to the electorate, I don't know what is.

We should hold the General Election on April 16th. I'm certain we'd see a lot more creative fiscal policies if everyone who just had to write a check was punching ballots the next day.

But you may have missed the most important news of the day: Britney and Kevin Federline are no more. Yes, our generation's Eddie Fisher has been given his walking papers. Miss Brit filed for divorce yesterday.

Boy if those two kids can't make it work, what chance do any of us have? Who had less than two years in the pool? Maybe she finally heard his album. Po po zow? Po-po-thetic. But I doubt she decided to do this just because of the petition.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Election Eve

It's Election Eve in America and I'll really miss the campaign commercials. Now I'm a traditionalist, so we only are allowed to vote one time today and then we'll vote a whole bunch of times tomorrow. I'm sure the local tv outlets love this time of the year because it's got to be really easy to peddle the time.

In Michigan we're facing tons of crap with 5 proposals on the ballot including one about bird hunting. Seriously, we've got that whole automotive economic thing whipped, but we're struggling with what birds we should kill. I'm not making this up. Proposal 3 is "A Referendum on Dove Hunting."

One of the commercials claims there is a powerful lobby from California forcing one of the proposals on us. I can't remember which one because I leap for the fast forward button whenever this comes on. Yes, it's some cabal of high-powered entertainment types in California whose cunning plan is to get some legislation passed in Michigan in their quest to conquer the world.

One of the geniuses I know thinks the best way to run for office is to make something up, then come out against it, then accuse your opponent of not being against it. Your campaign platform could be to outlaw monkeys attacking babies. Your opponent will rightly point out that there have, in fact, been no monkey-baby attacks in the state of Michigan. Then you then accuse him of being in the pocket of the powerful monkey lobby. It's a sure fire winning strategy.

Get out there and vote tomorrow, kids. If you don't vote, you can't complain. And we all know how much fun it is to complain about the government full time. Remember the immortal words of Joe Walsh: A vote for me, is a vote for me. Make sure your dead relative vote too.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

What's the Title of that Song?

For some reason, I did this about 3 months ago and then never posted it. Man I hate when that old war wound flares up. I remember the battle of Chun King like it was yesterday. Where's my parade?

Anyway, enjoy the moldy old while I try to get my hands around Blogger Beta.


With Lance Bass coming out, boy bands (and jokes thereof) have been on my mind.

Q) What's Lance Bass's new band?
A) In Steve

Q) Did you hear Lance Bass, Elton John, Boy George and George Michael have a new boy band? A) The Backdoor Boys.

Q) What will Elton John's nom de rap be?
A) Notorious F.A.G.

But the quartet Da Vinci's Notebook took it one better a few years ago. Here are the lyrics to Title of the Song:

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I

Reminiscence on the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection oh oh
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies

Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness
Of my epiphany

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of
The Title of the Song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite

Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation uh huh
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again

Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and
Emotional compensation

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of
The Title of the Song

Acknowledgement that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
The vain hope that my sins are forgivable

Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit a crowd response
Praise to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high noooooote

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs

Repetition of the
Title of the Song
Title of the Song
Title of the Song

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Bye Bye John L

Wanted: Division 1A Coach with prior experience who will not squander 17 point leads to Notre Dame. History-making comebacks not required. Alumnae preference is for coach who will not spot teams 38 points. Conference USA coaches need not apply. Must be comfortable with being second banana to basketball coach.

Send salary requirement and offensive schemes to