I couldn't help but notice as I ran to the local Target (that's pronounced tar-zhay), that the assbag in front of me had a mattress on his car roof. Now, that's not a site that's completely unusual in this here nape of the woods. It could have been worse; he could have had Century furniture flimsily secured to the top of his car.
But he also had his hand out of his window and appeared to be holding onto the mattress. And even though we were in a 45 mph zone, he was doing a stately 30.
It wasn't completely unsecured. He did have what appeared to be one bungie cord around it. Which he may have been holding onto with this other hand because it appeared as if he was driving with his knees as he veered back and forth erratically.
I wondered to myself what type of Mattress Emergency would have required him to immediately move this piece of a box springs set. Maybe he was some kind of superhero with lame powers like Matter Eating Lad? But instead he was Mattress Man and wherever unwanted house guests were, he'd be there. Drunks on the floor? Use the Mattressignal and Mattress Man will swing into action with his 1987 Plymouth Reliant K car.
Now I will confess that my experience with driving with a load not properly tied down is limited to John Cusack's classic delivery of that line in The Sure Thing. I minded my own business and did not attempt to engage in any vigilante justice up to and including a Citizen's Arrest.
So it was not completely expected to me that when our Intrepid Driver attempted to make a left turn, the mattress spilled out onto the pavement. And because I had the top down and couldn't control my laughter, I was a bit surprised when he gave me the finger.
Yup, I'm the assbag for laughing at you. It's not the One Hand One Bungie moving method that deserved derision. Mea culpa, Mattress Man.