Monday, June 29, 2009

Gonna Write Him a Letter

Mid-western comic genius Tim Cavanagh has summed it up. Sure, he managed 99 Dead Baboons, I Want to Kiss Her and Montego Bay Airport (just yell out "airport" at the end of the hook), but when you got nothing, you got nothing.

Hopefully a little break from the heat and some pre-July 4th booze festivities will prime the pump and cause the creative juices to ejaculate from the wellspring of my mirth. Either that or Utah finally doing away with its membership requirements for bars as of July 1st.

Woo hoo! It's almost like we're becoming a real state. Keep your fingers crossed and your bail bondsman on speed dial.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Put Your Cat Clothes On

Ah, those geniuses in Japan. In Tokyo, Takafumi Fukui has opened a cat cafe. Called the Cafe Cat Calico patrons are given a menu and pick any cool kitty to pet for a few bucks for an hour.

That's a bargain, because to get a pussy to sit on your lap at some places costs a lot more. And it's not for an hour, it's only one song. Which is why you should always go for Freebird.

This isn't the first time people have used pussy to make a few bucks. But the places I've heard tell about have a strictly no petting rule. You can't even touch them usually. And they're always by the airport. Who hits one of these places before their flight? How are you supposed to get your tray down from the locked and fully upright position after that?

Who hasn't wanted to do some catting around at one time or another. A little heavy petting with no cat commitment. Wham bam, thank you Fluffy. Hep cats should be leery of anyplace with cat on the menu. But that's just an urban legend for Chinese restaurants isn't it?

But cats? Come on, if you want something to pet you go for a dog. Who ever heard of a therapy cat? Personally, I don't get cats. If I wanted an emotionally detached animal around, I could call up any of the girls I used to date. Hiyo!

And Cafe Cat Calico? While the alliteration is appreciated, it sounds like the special is Kitty Pot Pie. I'd go with one of the following Mr. Fukui:
  • Fukui City Kitties
  • Fully Exposed Nipples
  • Pussy Paradise
  • Totally Nude
  • Bob's Cat House
  • Sexy Siamese (Motto: We Love You Long Time)
  • Lucky Lickers (Motto: Try Our Black Cats, You'll Never Go Back)
  • Cat Fanciers
  • Puss 'N Go Go Boots
  • Nip 'N Ass
  • Pole Katz
  • Bombay Bombshells
  • Burmese So Horny
  • Hairless Pussy
  • Sphynx & Swallows
  • Purrfect 10's

As always, feel free to play along from home kids. I'm plum tuckered out after all that creativity. Time for a cat nap for this dog lover. Have a good weekend and try to get some petting in. Try the Calico and tip your waitstaff.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dude Looks Like a Lady

If you haven't heard, it's the latest news. Chastity Bono is going to have gender re-assignment surgery. Yes, Sonny Bono & Cher's daughter is all growed up.

Now I don't know the exact medical procedure that Chaz will be undergoing for her gender re-assignment. I think it's known as an addadictomy. Hey, think of all the costume changes Mom goes through in a typical performance. This is nothing compared to that.

Named after a movie which flopped in 1069, Chastity is now going by Chaz. According to comic genius Caroline Rhea, that's because she's losing the "tity."

It could have been worse. After all Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid also released in 1969. Imagine the poor girl if they'd have named her Butch. Easy Rider also came out in '69. I'm pretty sure a girl named Easy Rider Bono would have wound up in porn. You can't make this stuff up.

But Chaz? That's the name of some prepster wearing madras shorts and carrying a polo mallet. You just want to punch someone named Chaz right in the neck. So Chaz is going to get a little help from yours truly to come up with some appropriate monikers.

So I humbly submit the following for your consideration:

* Babe (as in Ruth, not Didrickson)

* Dick (really too obvious)

* Share

* Tramp (or even Gypsy)

* Un-Sonny

* Breed (not a Half-breed though)

* Thyme (because she can't be turned back)

* Woody (short for Silkwood)

* Jesse (middle name James of course)

* Unexplainable Gay Fan Base

That's all I got kids. Feel free to play along at home. Hey, you try doing something with Mermaids, Moonstruck or Mask!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Wish I were as funny as the cats over at someecards.

You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better

Pop, hope you're not out golfing in the rain like all the other fools in New York.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bat Out of Hell

I know this will be hard for you kids to believe. Barry Bonds and his second wife, Liz Watson, are getting a divorce. For those keeping score, she filed. I know! These two crazy kids made it for almost 10 years. And if these two star-crossed lovers can't make it, what chance do any of us have?

Luckily, this reporter has a deep cover, double top secret insider mole in the Los Angeles County Superior Court. As far as you know. While California is a No Fault Divorce state ("no fault" is a legal term meaning it's the other one's fault), Lucky Liz's Petition for Divorce sheds quite a bit of light on the couple's relationship.

And you don't have to pour all over the legalese, because here are the Top Ten Reasons Barry Bonds is Getting Divorced.

10) Backne

9) Bobby Bonilla won't get off the couch

8) Bobby's irrational anger when fat burner supplement failed to lose head fat

7) 'Roid rage whenever Barry misses "his stories"

6) Barry refuses to enter any room in the house before public address announcer introduces him

5) Since alleged steroid use, Barry isn't exactly swinging a big bat (if you know what I mean)

4) Will Rogers never met Barry Bonds

3) Pine tar all over the bathroom

2) There is no I in team, but there is in dick.

1) Since retirement, he's around all the time

The good news? He's going to be single again ladies. And probably needing conjugal visits when that alleged perjury case finally goes to trial.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Kung Fu Fighting

Reason # 214 to Love Utah

We got Ninjas!
This is even better than being able to Ask a Ninja. Because you can hire this Ninja to do stuff for you.

Check it out if you don't believe me.

Why do I have the feeling that this kid has been into Mom's Fenphedra pills? Do you think he knows the Shadow Hare? Or maybe Napoleon Dynamite?

Best part of the advert?

"I do take this very seriously and do not like people calling to make fun of it, please call only if you are serious about my services for any work."

Gosh, I can't imagine why anyone would call to make fun of a Ninja. Even if the number was right there on the ad and was 801-576-0965 or 801-503-5642 for Jon's cell.

Now I've gotta go. Because I want to see a Ninja dressed all in black mow my lawn in the hot desert sun.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Stray Cat Strut

A tip 'o the proverbial cap to [F]oxymoron who brought this to my attention.

There's a new drink coming to market. Sure, you've got your energy drinks, your sports drinks, you malt beverage drinks.

But now you've got Pussy.

That's right. A drink called Pussy. [F]oxy must have a better recurring internet search set up than me, because I get completely different stuff for that term.

From their web site: (along with my snarky comments)

Pussy is unique. Really, Pussy is unique? I thought it was all pink on the....well, nevermind.

Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun. It’s a starting point. Noooo, it's really kind of the ending point.

Pussy starts conversations. Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many times someone wants to talk to you when they see you have a Pussy in your hands.

It believes in having a good time as often as possible. But probably just once and then rolls over and falls quickly asleep despite all that talk about "as often as possible."

Pussy is Jonnie Shearer’s vision. He set up from his bedroom at 21 and launched in June 2004. We're sure you can understand that once you get some Pussy in your bedroom, it's going to take a few years for you to come out again. And it's good to see that Pussy is over 21. No one wants any trouble here. Right, Jerry Lee?

I'm assuming that Pussy comes in a bottle. Because you wouldn't want anyone to get all confused if it came in a can. Right, Kobe?

Wouldn't you have have liked to have been at the brainstorming session where Jonnie came up with the name Pussy? I mean, just think about the names that were rejected. And you knew we'd eventually get here, didn't you?
  • Cootchie Cola
  • Dr. Snapper
  • Muffin Dew
  • Pepsi Poon
  • Faygo Fish Taco (only available in the Midwest of course)
  • Vernor's Very Berry Vulva
  • Canada Not So Dry
  • R.C. Cooter
  • Honey Pot Hawaiian Punch
  • Orangina-vagina
  • Schwepp's Sideway Sloppy Joe
  • Sunkist Slit
  • Virgil's Vajayjay Root Beer
  • Red Bush (for extra energy)
  • Kool-Aid Kookie
  • Coca Cola Cameltoe

I'm sure there are others, kids. Feel free to play along at home. And thank goodness for the Urban Dictionary. I learned so many slang terms today.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Basketball Jones

Mike Polk, the same genius who brought you the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism videos, was actually asked by Inside the NBA to give them the same treatment.

It's turrible, Sir Charles.

(and about 2:00 in if you can't stand the chit chat before the real stuff. Kind of like I am before the real game starts)

I just hope Mike gives the same treatment to the NHL on NBC.