Are You Ready For Some Football?

Hey, kids. Autumn begins in earnest tonight with Monday Night Football. On Thursday? Er... Okay, so it's a Very Special Thursday Night Edition of Monday Night Football.

After a concert. With some people who have nothing to do with football.

But it's the Rolling Stones Live! Errr, on tape delay from the game. Ummm, from Detroit the night before. Okay, from the 31st of August. But it's still great. It'll be great!

And there are other great musical guests like Green Day and Santana and Maroon 5 and Good Charlotte and Kanye West and Rihanna. Okay, so the last ones aren't anyone you'd ever pay to see, but that doesn't make it any less great.

But Freddy Prinze will be hosting the show. Yup, Fucking Freddy from the Scooby Doo movies. Wow, how did they manage to land Freddie Prinze. Oh, that's right. He's got a new show on ABC. Wow, what a coincidence. The over and under for Freddie's new show is 8 weeks before cancellation. Get your bets in now, people.

But we need to sell advertising for an hour because we don't have episodes of Lost or Desperate Housewives to show you.

Just watch with the sound off. Madden is less annoying that way.

And we'd like to thank our sponsors in corporate whoring: Campbell's, Canon, Coors, Diet Pepsi, EA Sports, GMC, Burger King, DMI, Gatorade, Motorola and Visa. And Sprint. It's presented by Sprint which means they threw the most money at ABC.

I wish I were making this up.

This better be a good game. At least I'll be able to throw things at the screen whenever they show Randy Moss on the sideline.

I Know How Petroleum Jelly Got It's Name

The major gasoline pipline that supplies the East Coast of the US is now operating at 100% capacity. It's true.

And according to FARK, this means that gasoline companies will now have to come up with some other creative way to gouge us.

Movie Stars, is there anything they don't know?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. No, not Men Love Boobies. The gigantic wheel of karma will eventually roll around and crush you.

Sean Penn had to be rescued when the boat he took to New Orleans to assist in the rescue efforts began to sink.

Now I will admit that I don't specifically recall when Mr. Penn received his Red Cross certification to assist in relief efforts.

But taking along a personal photographer? That's the gigantic wheel of karma people.

I know exactly what happened. Anyone who has ever had a boat has at one time took it out without the plug in it. You always take it out to drain the water in your boat (after you're done fooling around for the day) and eventually you'll forget to put it back in. You have to drive around in circles while someone in your boat hops out and gets the plug. If you go fast enough, not too much water will get in your boat.

I think we'll all be better served if we just pony up to the Red Cross. Leave the rescue efforts to the professionals. And leave your photographers at home. We've seen enough devastation.

And I know I'm so going to hell, but I can't help but giggle when I look at Mr. Penn bailing out that boat with a 'lil red cup.

So It Begins

I've decided I'm going to get rich with Mrs. Harriet Mangwana. And I plan on posting our little email dance right here.

Here's what I sent her today:

Dear Mrs. Mangwana:

Thank you for your sincere offer to participate in your spurious business venture. While I have no previous experience or knowledge of international finance, estates and trusts or internet investments, I am honored that you chose me out of all internet users to contact via email.

While I’m not certain how you obtained my email address, you did indicate in your missive that you were doing “private research on the Internet” and that you believe me to be a “sincere and trustworthy person and of transparent honesty.” I’d be very interested in this research as maybe it could increase traffic to my blog and they are severely misinformed. I believe that sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, a lot of things just fall into place.

I am very transparent though. In fact, I’m so transparent that I would like to post our various email conversations on the Internet (specifically at my blog) so that others may learn of your plight. I’m certain that with enough media exposure the heinous crimes of President Robert Mugabe will be brought to light. I will confess that I know little of Zimbabwe other than what I have learned by watching reruns of The Amazing Race. I'm not sure what this says about my trustworthiness as I did exactly the opposite of what you told me to do as soon as I could. But let's move on.

While you have as yet asked for no money directly from me, I have the sneaking suspicion that this is the direction our conversation will eventually lead. I must confess that the majority of my personal disposable income is wrapped up in an exciting business venture – Alpaca farming. In fact, if you’d like to invest some of the 11.5 million dollars you have, I’m sure I could pull a few strings and get you in on the ground floor of an exciting opportunity. In fact, if you have two friends whom you could recruit, I’m thinking the sky is the limit. My business model is based upon the writings of Charles Ponzi. You don’t need much experience—just two friends who are more gullible than you.

Unfortunately, I am unable to provide either my private phone or fax number to you directly, but you may continue to pester me via email directly to this address.

Hugs and kisses,

t2ed

Less Than Two Weeks You Scurvy Dogs

I didn't make this up. I'm just perpetuating it. But it's real.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Now a quick quiz.

What a pirate's favorite restaurant? RRRRRRRRby's. Ooh, that's smelly.

Don't wait until the last second. Get your pirate name now.

But It's Not A Panther

If your cat went out white and came home pink, would you let him in the house?

It's true I'm not making this up or just doctoring photos. That's creepy, man.

I've got to think someone either nailed kitty with paint, it got a little blood-letting from a smaller animal or had a horrible cotton candy incident.

Now everyone in that neighborhood is going to want a pink cat.

And I'm betting if the New York Post runs this story, the headline with be "Pink Pussy."

Gilligan is Dead

In case you haven't heard, Bob Denver probably best known for his titular role on Gilligan's Island has passed away at the age of 70.

No one ever talks about his role as Maynard G. Krebs, television's first beatnik character on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. Or even Far Out Space Nuts.

What's really scary is that I didn't have to look those up. I remembered he was in both of those crappy shows. Or any of the many Love Boat or Fantasy Island episodes he did.

I'm actually pretty surprised the rest of the castaways didn't kill Gilligan and put his head on a stake as a warning to anyone who would ruin their escape the island plans. Gilligan would have been nothing but another Piggy on my island. Wow, this took a nasty turn didn't it?

I hope no one from American Idol dies or I'll really go off on a rant.

Waving the White Flag

It's obvious that spam is ruining email. I've been working on the interweb for about 8 years now and it's my professional opinion (and I get paid a lot to be ignored by my company in this space) that RSS feeds are going to displace commercial email. You'll have a small circle of friends who you can talk to electronically and everyone else gets shunned. You'll subscribe to whatever interests you (sports, movies, porn, local news, local porn, etc.) and everything else will just get blocked. We'll move away from a presumption that everyone ought to be able to reach everyone else and we'll move to a closed model. I'm also still waiting for the first Ipod virus or mp3 based variant.

Anyway enough bold new predictions for a Tuesday morning and here's some swell spam I got over the weekend. I haven't decided if I'll write back. This is an old scam that presumably the entire country of Nigeria is involved in perpetuating.

From Mrs. Harriet Mangwana
No: 347 Abercorn Street,
Matabele North Province,
Bulawayo-Zimbabwe.

Please Reply to E-mail: mangwana_harriet@hotmail.com

INVITATION FOR PARTNERSHIP.

Dear Sir,

I am well confident of your capability of executing this transaction for the mutual benefit of both families, believing that you will not expose or betray the trust and confident I am about to repose to you.

I am contacting you with the greatest delight and personal respect. I am Mrs. Harriet Mangwana, the wife of late Dr. (chief) Samuel Mangwana, who was murdered last year of June by the forces loyal to president Robert Mugabe due to their support in acquiring his land and property during the crisis in Zimbabwe last year, which continued and led to the lost of several lives of foreign (white) farmers. For a clearer picture of my story please log on to http://www.zimbabwesituation.com/may4_2002.html.

President Robert Mugabe has started destruction of houses that belongs to people opposing the Brutal Government in power President Robert Mugabe and there supporters. The demolition has left more than 9000,000.00( nine hundred thousand) Zimbabweans homeless and destitute affected more than 2.4 million people there is massive violation of human right that has been undertaken by Harare government as reported on cable network news (CNN) and by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BCC).

I got your contact while I was doing a private research on the Internet, for a reliable person for partnership investment overseas. Believing you are sincere and trustworthy person and of transparent honesty and capable of handing this transaction to the best of your knowledge in assisting my son and I, in Claiming the sum of US$ 11,500.000.00. (Eleven million, five hundred thousand united state Dollars) Into a foreign account for safekeeping pending on arrival to your country for our investment plan.

You may need to know how this fund originated. The sum was inherited from my late husband who was assassinated by Robert Mugabe's aides in view of acquiring his land and property. I got to know of this fund when our family lawyer, approached me few months ago with some documents that my late husband had filed with him in the file, I realized that my late husband (blessed memory) has written a "will" which he specifically pointed my attention and I quote.

My darling wife, I wish to draw your attention to the sum of US$11,500.000.00 (Eleven million five hundred thousand united state dollars) which I deposited with a security company in South Africa. All documents concerning the fund is filed with our family lawyer and you can make lay claim to the fund in case of my absence on earth only by death. I made an agreement with the Security Company that my foreign partner will stand as a beneficiary to lay claim of the money. The beneficiary will come forward to make claim of the consignment.

Dr. (chief) Samuel Mangwana, my late husband advised me through my lawyer that incase if he dies that I should look for a foreigner who will stand as the beneficiary of the fund so that the fund will be transfer to his or her account for partnership investment. From the above you can understand that my future especially that of my son depends strongly on this money. I will like you to assist us in transferring this money into your account for investment.

You can contact my son Jonathan Mangwana on Tel: +27-83-510-36-37, or His e-mail is jo_mangwana@hotmail.com for more details, as they have been to south Africa to arrange with some bankers that will assist in this transfer. For your assistance in this regard, it will interest you to know that we will be willing to come to terms with you regarding your reward for helping us actualize this matter. It is equally important to state here that considering the nature of this matter, we will required that it is handle most discreetly.

Kindly contact us using the above particulars upon receipt of this latter for execution details and other necessary discussion. Your private phone and fax number will be needed for easier communication thank you in anticipation of your trusted and genuine assistance I remain,

Yours sincerely,

Harriet Mangwana. (Mrs.)

Please reply to mangwana_harriet@hotmail.com and try as much as possible to call my son Jonathan Mangwana on +27-83-510-36-37 for more details

Keeping It Light

I'm sure many people have seen the devastation they are running constantly on the network news. So I'm not going to contribute to the continued downer feeling.

But did they really have to interview the 400 pound woman who was complaining about not eating for days? Someone else at a major news organization had to have been giggling too. I'm so going to hell, but then I already had a front row seat.

I also keep yelling at the tv, "Why don't you give them a sandwich, Brian? You look pretty well fed." Maybe if all the news crews had also taken snacks and water, things wouldn't be so bleak.

Give till it hurts, kids.

And the price of crude oil isn't what's contributing to the high gas prices, it's THE OIL MAN fucking us all without lubricant. I'm going to be sure to ride my bike to the inconvenience store this weekend if I need a beer run.

With Many Schoolyard Beatings To Follow

Britney to call her boy London Preston.

At least it's not Apple.

The Only Thing You Can Do

Like a lot of folks, I know some people (co-workers) down in Louisiana.

When I heard that refugees were being evacuated to the Astrodome, I thought, "My God, haven't those poor people suffered enough?" Then I realized that the Houston Oilers no longer play there.

But seriously, give until it hurts:

American Red Cross

Ask your boss to match your contribution. It's what we did.

I Don't Think This Is What They Mean By "Ladies Night" aka It's good to be the king

The King of Swaziland (a country with a population of just over a million and slightly smaller than New Jersey) is currently exercising his divine right and picking a new bride. Yup, it's the annual Topless Virgin Parade. I'm not making this up, kids. It's true.

Yes, after an 8 day parade of topless virgins, King Mswati III selects one to be his next bride. This will make an even baker's dozen. Yup, that's hizzoner right there.

Now I don't want to get off on a tangent here, but picking your wife from a parade doesn't seem like the most practical approach to take. But I'm sure those previous 12 picks are all working out fine for Mswati.

I don't know if it's really a celebration of girl power or it's yet another example of the exploitation of women in some bassackwards Third World Country. But let me point out a few facts:

• Swaziland is an absolute monarchy
• An estimated 40% of the adult population in Swaziland is infected with Aids (that's tops in the world kids)

I'm sure this Virgin Parade which is a celebration of chastity is intended as a means to combat aids. If you're chaste, you can't get infected, right? But if you're poor and oppressed, what else is there for you to do? Florida is currently experiencing a baby boom from last year's significant hurricane season. It's human nature.

But there is hope, Swaziland's new constitution allows a woman to refuse to comply with customs they don't agree with. Customs like requiring a widow to marry her brother-in-law. Ah, that's progress.

How's that Swaziland Space Program coming?

But seriously, if you're wanting to be taken seriously, you can't name your organization SMEGWA. That's the Swaziland Media Gender Watch.

And the worst part of all this, I've got "Ladies Night" stuck in my head now.

Naughty British Places

There's a book coming out with some of the most naughty sounding places in Britian.

That link is just so ya'll see that I'm not making this up. I can't resist publishing the entire list:

100 Jeffries Passage, Surrey
99 Prince Albert Court, Surrey
98 Nork Rise, Surrey
97 Brown Willy, Cornwall
96 Great Tosson, Northumberland
95 Trump Street, London
94 St. Mellons, Cardiff
93 Percy Passage, London
92 Booty Lane, North Yorkshire
91 Nether Wallop, Hampshire
90 Honeypot Lane, Leicestershire
89 Mudchute, London
88 Juggs Close, East Sussex
87 Cockermouth Green, Newcastle
86 Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire
85 Cock and Bell Lane, Suffolk
84 Little Bushey Lane, Hertfordshire
83 Titlington Mount, Northumberland
82 Slippery Lane, Staffordshire
81 Hooker Road, Norwich
80 Cumloden Court, Dumfries and Galloway
79 Tinkerbush Lane, Oxfordshire
78 Ugley, Essex
77 Pratts Bottom, Kent
76 Ramsbottom Lane, Greater Manchester
75 Prickwillow, Cambridgeshire
74 Old Sodbury, Gloucestershire
73 Upper Dicker, East Sussex
72 Swell, Somerset 71 Bladda, Paisley
70 Snatchup, Hertfordshire
69 Spital in the Street, Lincolnshire
68 Shingay cum Wendy, Buckinghamshire
67 Pump Alley, Middlesex
66 Old Sodom Lane, Wiltshire
65 Long Lover Lane, Halifax
64 East Breast, Inverclyde
63 Dicks Mount, Suffolk
62 Staines , Surrey
61 Crapstone, Devon
60 Three Cocks, Powys
59 Feltwell, Norfolk
58 Pant, Shropshire
57 Balls Cross, West Sussex
56 Ogle Close, Merseyside
55 Friars Entry, Oxfordshire
54 North Piddle, Worcestershire
53 Mincing Lane, London
52 Bottoms Fold, Lancashire
51 Backside Lane, Oxfordshire
50 Winkle Street, Southampton
49 Wham Bottom Lane, Lancashire
48 Upperthong, West Yorkshire
47 Tosside, Lancashire
46 The Furry, Cornwall
45 Lower Swell, Gloucestershire
44 Lickers Lane, Merseyside
43 Honey Knob Hill, Wiltshire
42 Boghead, Ayrshire
41 The Bush, Buckinghamshire
40 Hill o'Many Stanes, Scotland
39 Grope Lane, Shropshire
38 Willey, Warwickshire
37 Happy Bottom, Dorset
36 Feltham Close, Hampshire
35 The Knob, Oxfordshire
34 Menlove Avenue, Liverpool
33 Titty Ho, Northamptonshire
32 Crotch Cresent, Oxfordshire
31 Blairmuckhole & Forestdyke road, Lanarkshire
30 Pant-y-Felin Road, Swansea
29 Beef Lane, Oxfordshire
28 Merkins Avenue, West Dumbartonshire
27 Pork Lane, Essex 26 Moisty Lane, Staffordshire
25 Wetwang, East Yorkshire
24 Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
23 Swallow Passage, London
22 Lickey End, Worcestershire
21 Bitchfield, Lincolnshire
20 Spanker Lane, Derbyshire
19 Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire
18 Lickfold, West Sussex
17 Dick Court, Lanarkshire
16 Beaver Close, Surrey
15 Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire
14 Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire
13 Inchinnan Drive, Renfrewshire
12 Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire
11 Hole of Horcum, North Yorkshire
10 Slag Lane, Merseyside
9 Shitterton, Dorset
8 Back Passage, London
7 Fingringhoe, Essex
6 Muff, Northern Ireland
5 Sandy Balls, Hampshire
4 Twatt, Orkney
3 Bell End, Birmingham
2 Minge Lane, Worcestershire
1 Cocks, Cornwall

I'm not certain where I'd like to visit more--#33 Titty Ho or #25 Wet Wang.

Save Our Summer

Man, where was this when I was in school? Someone has some parents buffaloed. I know my parents were more than ready for me to go back to school by the end of summer.

I'm not certain how legit that is, but if it's on the interweb, it must be true. My guess is that someone in the tourism industry had a good idea to make more moolah.

Personally, I think the 'lil anklebiters should be in school year 'round. That way they might actually learn some science and math and keep us from falling behind other countries.

And they won't be in my way when I only have 45 mins to shop for DVD's and eat while at the mall during lunch hour.

I may need to start a Save Our Football Season movement. It's way too short.

Dead Dog & Provo

If you lost your puppy and you've recently been in Provo, the city wants to talk to you. Do you own one of those hooks used to remove manhole covers? Hmmmm, extremely suspicious if you ask me. Must be the shift eyes.

My favorite quote: "We're like the hurricane victims."

Um, no. You do have raw sewage coming out of your toilet, but you still have a house. And when everything is cleaned up, you'll still be in Provo.

Ah, Provo. Where the women are women and the men are too.

Madden '06

I used some of my birthday Best Buy gift card loot to buy the new Madden '06 game.

Man is that thing realistic. The game is so realistic that Terrell Owens even complains about his contract!

You knew I just couldn't let it go completely.....

A Bad Sign

Is it a bad sign that after decorating my office with black balloons and Aqua Teen Hunger Force blow ups, my co-workers bought me a South Park magnetic dartboard, a Darth Tater and a Best Buy gift card so I can buy video games?

When they gave it to me, they said that Darth would be worth more if I didn't open the package.

Yeah, like I'm going to pull a 40 year old virgin and not open it. Please, you buy toys to play with them for crying out loud.

Comment Spammers

I recently got comment spammed. And they got me good. 9 times, Mrs. Buehler. 9 times.

If they were more creative than making every comment spam from Anonymous, someone might actual fall for this crap.

I wish the comment spammers were as creative about thinking up something new as they are about ruining what we have. I mean, they're showing some initiative here. They just need to be channeled a bit more. Kind of like me in school. And work. And my personal life.

I mean they didn't even think up any different celebs to be on Christopher Walken's Cabinet. It was just click here, go here, ENJOY WINE, blah, blah, blah. If they were on topic, that'd be really scary. Oh well, that's why we have the trash button on the comments. Buh bye, anonymous.

That'll teach me to wish for more comment traffic.

Well the only option on the interweb to prevent spam comments is to turn on the word verification software. Sorry, kids. Even more work than thinking is required to comment now.

What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules. Thank you , Eric Stratton.

Christopher Walken's Cabinet (Redux)

If you haven't heard about it or haven't seen it, some guy has started a site called Christopher Walken for President in 2008.

I'm guessing that's because the character Christopher Walken plays in Wedding Crashers is the Secretary of the Treasury. As the real Secretary of the Treasury is John Snow, you'll understand why Walken is a much more likely candidate. Yup, that Johhny Boy on the right there.

And while it'd be fun to riff on potential Walken campaign slogans, I'm going to zag. Okay, one quickie slogan just off the top of my head. "I can't believe....you're not voting... for me." Trust me, I do a killer impression.

Anyway, on to Chistopher Walken's Cabinet when he's elected.

Agriculture: Woody Harrelson Hey, he's all about growing a nice crop.

Commerce: Joe Pesci For someone who's not been in that many movies, he seems like he's doing okay at making money. He must have something on the ball. He's in charge of commerce now.

Defense: Samuel L. Jackson. Because he's the baddest mutha on the planet.

Education: (thanks to Kim for pointing out my oversight. I'm blaming the onset of college football season and my soon to be near the bottom of the Big 10 er 11 alma mater for the freudian slip) While Michelle Pfeifer isn't a bad call, Dangerous Minds doesn't make her any more qualified that Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver or even Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society. So I'm going to completely zag and go with Gabe Kaplan. Mr. Kotter is my favorite teacher plus he can all those kids to be useful members of society and do something to give back to the nation--like playing online poker all day.

Interior: George Hamilton. I swear he looks like he's never been outside, but has the best tan in the world.

Justice: Sam Waterston. With all that time on Law & Order, he must have picked up something about the law.

Labor: Paris Hilton because you know she'll never do an honest day's work in her entire life.

Energy: Quentin Tarantino. Who has more energy than Q? Of course it all may be due to Bolivian Marching Powder. Allegedly.

Health & Human Services: Jane Seymour. Who would you trust with your health more than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?

Homeland Security: Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is as close as he gets to the White House. Plus he has all that experience fighting terrorists in True Lies.

State: Ving Rhames. Who's going to start a war with us if you have to negotiate with Ving? Even badder than Samuel L. Don't tell him though.

Transporation: John Travolta. He's got the plane and everything. Maybe let him fly Air Force One for a reward on long weekends.

Treasury: Larry David. He's got more money than God.

Veteran's Affairs: Yes, this really is a cabinet post. Jennifer Aniston. She needs to meet a nice serviceman and settle down. Stay away from actors, you can't trust them.

Housing & Urban Development: Steve Buscemi. I've got a feeling he can help you if you need some development done. You know what I'm saying, wise guy? Again, allegedly.

And yes, I'm too lazy to do the Vice President, Chief of Staff, Office of Management and Budget, Trade Representative, EPA Chief or Drug Tzar.

How To Get Down From a Horse

When I saw a headline with the terms "Madonna" and "horse" in it, that's not how I thought it was going to turn out. I'm just saying....

Too bad the fall didn't fix that gap between her teeth. I really like the fake accent though. You're from Bay City, Michigan. Get over yourself already.

Luckily, she's got the Kabbalah to turn to for comfort. A good orthapedic surgeon might not hurt either.

Never Trust Lawyers Who Say "Amen"

The first Vioxx trial just finished. Merck got fucked. The jury awarded the widow of a 59 year old man 253.4 million dollars. I'm kind of wondering how they got to the 3.4 million part.

"Is 250 million enough?"

"No, add another 3.4 million and we're out of here."

Now, don't get me wrong. Merck must have messed something up, but is a 59 year old guy worth more than 250 million dollars?

I'm no shrinking violet, but I don't think I'm worth 250 million dollars. And I'm sure my wife, my boss and most of my clients would more than agree with that assessment. I'm struggling to think of who might be worth 250 million dollars. I know Terrell Owens isn't. HA! And you thought I'd let it go.

Now you know why attorneys forum shop and pick and choose where they file cases so they can get large verdicts. It works.

My favorite part of the story: Plaintiff Carol Ernst began to cry when the verdict was read while her attorneys jumped up and shouted, "Amen!"

I know I want to say "Jesus Christ" right now.

The good news is that those gospel-loving barristers are probably about 8.5 million dollars richer. Wow, I should have chased a few more ambulances when I practiced law.

This Headline Rocks

Now I know that a lot of newspaper headline writers get some flack every now and then. Here's one who is clearly doing a great job.

The headline? Gas Thief Escapes on Tricycle

It's true. I swear I'm not making this up.

Quote of the Week

For a change, it's not me saying something stupid. It's the college student in your group who has a year left before she gets her degree.

"Don't make fun of underpriviliged people; they get pissed."
--JB, our college student

Aptly put, JB, aptly put.

Farm Living Is The Life For Me

Single ladies, if you're looking for a hard-working farmer type, look no further.



It's true. Here's the proof.

My favorite quote: "I wouldn't place a personal ad in the paper. To me it seems desperate." Yeah, not at all like doing it in your field. That's classy.

The Final TO Word

While I should probably be changing the name of this blog to "Hate TO.com," I've got to let it go. Steelers played the Eagles last night. Of course the TO contoversy was all over the game, especially as Hines Ward, Pittsburgh's hold out receiver had just reported to camp.

They took a poll on TO. Just 8% of the voters thought the Eagles should pay him more.

One great sign in the stands: TO: Shut Up and Play

Peter King over at Sports Illustrated goes on at length on TO. His quote:

Go back to the Eagles on Wednesday, T.O., shut that massive piehole, play football and try to prove to some of us who think you're the worst kind of problem with American sports today that we're wrong. Please.

Guess that's why he's the professional and I'm the hack. Although I do use "piehole" in everyday converstation quite a bit.

Okay, I'll through dirt on this TO thing, but I'm not making any promises here. That guy is just too big of an assbag.

Bill Clinton's Greatest Hits

Did you hear? Bill Clinton is putting out an album. Okay, it's not like it's him singing or not, but it's a collection of some of his favorite songs.

Here's some songs I'm betting we won't see on the album.

• Devil With a Blue Dress On (Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels)
• Have a Cigar (Pink Floyd)
• Three Times a Lady (Lionel Richie)
• Super Freak (Rick James)
• We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off (Jermaine Stewart)
• I'm Ready (Muddy Waters)
• Psychobilly Freakout (Reverand Horton Heat)
• Does Your Mother Know (Abba)
• Bad to the Bone (George Thorogood)
• Blowin' in the Wind (Bob Dylan)
• I Touch Myself (Divynyls)
• Hate Myself For Loving You (Joan Jett)
• I Saw Her Standing There (The Beatles)

I'm sure there are others, but this was just off the top of my head.

Go nuts, kids.

Quote of the Week

I'm not a fan of the Detroit Lions. But I like NFL football and because they're my market team, I'm stuck watching them most whether I want to or not. With that explanation, here's the quote of the week:

"I think he's drafted extremely well. I think we've built a good foundation, all due to Matt's direction. I think we've built a good team, all due to Matt's direction."

-- Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, announcing the five year contract extension for club president and CEO Matt Millen.

Under Millen, the Lions are an NFL-worst 16-48 (including 3-29 on the road) in four years. During the Millen administration the Lions also set an NFL record by losing 24 straight road games for a span 3 years. Prior to being hired by Ford, Millen's only management NFL experience consisted of being an announcer with CBS and Fox.

I can't believe performance like that warrants a five year extention. How can I get a job working for Mr. Ford?

TO's Continued Assbaggery

As I was watching ESPN's SportCenter this morning, they were reporting on TO getting kicked out of practice for a week. My wife asked me why TO was on. And I yelled, literally yelled at the tv, "Because he's an ASSBAG!"

Why does this spoiled millionaire rile me so? Randy Moss doesn't enrage me this much. I don't know what it is about TO.

Here's the difference in the approach between the Coach Reid and TO. When Coach Reid was asked about the exchange that prompted him to eject TO, he said:

"I'll address him on Wednesday and that's between T.O. and myself," Reid said.

Owens, on the other hand, went on ESPN at halftime (with his agent of course) of last night's game and said that Reid told him to shut up.

"And I told him my name isn't Reid. My name is Owens. I'm not one of his kids. Don't tell me to shut up," Owens said.

My favorite part of the interview was when Chris Berman asked TO if he and Donovan McNabb could have still be successful together. While Dickclown Drew shook his head yes, TO instead said, "I don't think so and I'm just being honest." Oops, way to be on the same page boys.

Wow, it's hard to imagine someone getting sick of TO running his mouth, isn't it? Enjoy your time out, TO.

Now They'll Kill You

As someone who enjoys a nice, quiet sit-down with a quality video game every now and then, I tend to really enjoy when the parental lobby blames the shortcomings of their ungrateful progeny upon the video game industy.

Yes, I'm sure Spalding the Third is a little shit because he saw a booty call in a video game and not because he's spoiled. It's got to be the violence and not because Meemaw bought her 11 year old grandson a Teen rated game.

Well now it's even worse. Now games can kill you.

Kids, don't play for 50 straight hours. Try to find a girl to kiss and move out of your parent's basement.

A TO Quickie

Drew "Dickclown" Rosenhaus, who is TO's agent, is going to be on Dave tonight. Dave TIVO's automatically for me, but I probably won't watch the show for a few days.

In the interim:

Q. Why don't opposing teams double-cover TO?
A. They can't find two guys who can stand to be around him.

Is it a surprise that in the first picture I found of TO, he has his mouth open?

I don't know where all the inner rage about TO came from, but I know I like it.

Martha & the Anklet

Martha Stewart's confinement is being extended. Ostensibly it's because she went to a yoga class and was tooling around her estate in a 4x4.

I can't wait until Martha gets that electronic monitoring device off her ankle. It's leaving a mark on my neck.

Just kidding. I wish I could take credit for that joke, but I stole it from Dave. He's clearly the funniest man alive.

Viva Las Vegas

Last weekend was the time I would typically go to Ohio to play in a golf tournament with my cousin, my Pop, and my uncle (Dad's brother). Unfortunately, because this tournament is populated mostly with guys my Pop went to high school with (and he's 75 now), we lacked critical mass this year to have the event. Simply put, too many of the old farts are dead, dying or otherwise unable to golf anymore.

So we decided not to lose the weekend and go to Vegas. Except my Dad and Uncle pimped my cousin and me and didn't show. We had fun anyway. Even though it was godawful hot. 110 F every day (that's 43 C to you international readers) and just walking half a block (and Vegas has long blocks) caused you to break a sweat.

My cousin played golf both days. I was too big a puss and stayed inside by the nice, cool craps tables and tried to win a little dorame (that's dough-ray-me). A big hunk of sugar like me will just melt in weather that hot.

Here's the quick recap:

• The Paris hotel is nice and fairly centrally located.
• Don't get all the hubbub about Wynn's new place. It's big, garishly colored and you can gamble there. Wow, there's no place else like that in Vegas.
• Danny Gans is okay but not worth $100. 20% of his act was great, 40% was so so, and 20% could have been anyone. One of the guys said he could do that act.
• Commander's Palace has a great jazz brunch and an even better bloody mary
• I missed my wife.
• I can't handle that many people for that long without a break. In the mornings I had to go down to the pool before it opened and read while no one was around. That crush of humanity (most of whom don't seem to know how to walk with a purpose) drove me nuts.
• I sleep like shit on a plane.
• I can cross professional gambler off my alternate career list. I can't live on $30 a day in winnings. Especially when I want to eat at Commanders Palace every day. At least I finished up for the weekend. One of the guys we were with lost 2 grand. The only machine he won at was the ATM and that popped him for $4.
• The monorail ran like a charm while I was there. $3 from one end of the Strip to the other. Beats the crush of humanity trying to walk on the Strip.

It was good to get away from work, but the three hour time change from the East coast really messes you up.

Semi-Delayed Quote of the Week

Because I went to Vegas last week, there was no time to post. That would have just taken away from my money making. So here's the latest quote from an exchange that I witnessed at the Paris Casino when a hipster doofus threw the dice rather lamely down the table.

Pit Boss: [to the shooter] What's your name kid?
Hipster Doofus: Robert.
Pit Boss: Well, Bobby Vegas, make the dice hit the fucking back wall next time.

So for the rest of the trip a lot of people got called "Bobby Vegas" whenever they engaged in behavior that obviously marked them at now being too experienced at the whole gambling thing.

More tales later.

Quote of the Week

For a change it's not something stupid I said. It's super agent Drew Rosenhaus while appearing on HBO:

"It's OK for Tom Cruise to make $50 million for a movie. But a guy who risks his life can't get paid a decent wage?"
-- Drew Rosenhaus

Drew is TO's agent. Gosh, playing football equates to risking your life. And a 7 year deal worth 49 million bucks isn't a decent wage.

If TO is an assbag, Drew must be a dickclown.

Crush Men For $

I'm still trying to decide if this is sick, twisted, both or neither.

And to think I had all those ex-girlfriends crush my heart for absolutely free.

Man am I glad that I'm married and don't have to date anymore. Dating = a job interview with the threat of sex.

Another Epiphany

I've got an idea for the Candy King of America.

I don't advocate violence, but I certainly understand it.

Now if the Candy King gets dethroned, I'm so going to be the prime suspect.

I'm no scientist or anything...

I'm no scientist or anything, but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that this:

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks

is not a good idea.

Good thing we've already cured cancer.

Oh well, always more fodder for the Animal Conspiracy.

WTF is up with Altoids

I've gotten 15 spams today from the Candy King of America trying to convince me to sell Altoids in the vending industry. Condoms I get in this venue. But Altoids?

Now this may well be targeted email because I've actually talked about getting into the vending industry. But that's when I was sitting in a bar and saw how many morons were plugging money into some machine to buy "pull tabs." Pull tabs are like instant lottery ticket, but you don't have to wait until the time of the drawing to figure out you lost. I can't remember who said it, but the lottery is a tax upon those who can't do math.

Anyway, I know I never signed up for information about entering the vending industry. And I sure as hell didn't sign up 15 times.

I did send them a very nice note saying, "Would you sons of bitches quit sending out spam?" in each line of their swell online form. I bet it doesn't work. But I'm sure not going to try to unsubscribe to that message.

Pinball Wizard

Have you heard of Brice Mellen?

How do you think he does it?
I don't know
What makes him so good?

He's blind, but plays video games. And he doesn't just play them, he also takes on challengers and kicks almost everyone's ass.

I've got to think getting whacked at a fighting game like Soul Caliber by someone who is blind is a bit of an come down.

I can't believe there's someone out there who really "plays by sense of smell." Freaky, but cool.

Rock on, Brice.

I hope you never take up golf. My ego is fragile enough now.

TO is an Assbag

Now I don't want to get all hyper about a superstar here because football season (when it counts) is over 6 weeks away.

But after signing a 7 year, 49 million dollar deal, Terrell Owens (aka TO) wants to renegotiate his contact. Yup, after just one year, TO wants a new deal.

I can certainly see his point. I mean the Eagles did win the Super Bowl because of TO. Oh wait, they lost.

Well they did win all those playoff games because of him. Oh, wait, he was hurt for those games and the team won without him.

But then TO is just like Jesus. At least according to TO:

"At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
-- Blogcritics.org

I think Jesus fulfilled his contact, TO. At least for 33 years. And some would argue he went above and beyond his original deal.

Something to think about TO....

Going Postal

I recently had to go to the Post Office for a package that for some reason the postman wouldn't shove in my mailbox or leave on my porch. I don't know why. Sometimes they'll leave stuff and sometimes they won't. It seems to be completely random. It's just goofy used books from Amazon, but I've got to leave work and go to postal hell.

Now I think the United States Postal Service is amazing. You give them 40 cents and shit magically shows up across the country. In-freaking-credible. People who complain about the price of stamps are full of it. It's practically magic. Take it yourself if you're going to whine.

The post office, the physical hell where you have to go despite all your best planning and wishes, on the other hand, sucks the big one.

Some epiphanies while I was at the post office:

• No line in the universe moves slower than the post office line.
• Why are there so many people here? It's not lunch time for God's sake.
• Why are there so many forms? If we were starting the post office from scratch now, there's no way there'd be this much paper.

A guy in front of me was filling out a form to mail a letter that was larger than his letter. How is that going to get attached to his letter?

We even have a little work station where you can mail a package without waiting in line and without talking to anyone. I'm the only one I've ever seen use it. I stood in line for 20 minutes today and no one even tried to self serve. They'd rather wait in line and talk to the surly clerks. But then if this many people wanted me to help them in a day, I'd be pissy too.

I usually go early in the morning when only the external part of the post office is open. You can buy stamps, open your post office box, mail crap from the little kiosk and get the hell out. The only people who are ever in there that early are me and the homeless guy who pretends to be reading pamphlets when I come in so it looks like he has actual business to transact there and isn't just hanging out trying to stay warm. I'm not fooled.

Golfing With Dead Guys

I'm heading down the delta to the land of crazies. I'm not sure if I'll survive with either my body or my mind intact. This isn't the first one of these sorties I've been on, but this may be the most dangerous.

For the last 8 years I've played in a golf tournament with my 76 year old Father, my 66 year old Uncle and one of my cousins.

The Corner Open (as the tournament is known) consisted of a bunch of old guys who my Pop used to go to high school with in Ohio. So yes, I've got some Ohio crazy in me.

And these old guys literally hung out on the corner of South and High streets every afternoon. Now I've seen the type of ruffians who hang out on street corners. And even though my Pop used to do it before 1950, I can't think it's evolved much. They're not singing doo wop (and I don't think it had even been invented by then) and helping old ladies with their groceries across the street. Even back then they were playing pick up basketball and causing trouble. And I don't think basketball was the only thing they were trying to pick up.

Our team is very carefully selected. My cousin is the ringer, I'm the putter, my Pop is the self-appointed coach whom we all ignore at all times and my Uncle is the great athlete who happens to be the terrible golfer. I used to play softball with my Uncle and he's a bonafide jock. Former Marine, short, quiet, hell of a hitter. Until the ball isn't moving. Then he's flailing and stepping out of the box and trying to hit it into the gap for a triple. And because he's a bit of a hot head, he'll get pissed. This only makes his game worse. And unfortunately, when I'm laughing at him, it doesn't help.

My favorite story about my Unc involves him teeing off. Now because he wasn't yet 65, he had to play from the blue or far back tees. As you get older, they give you a break and let you move up to the white tees. My Uncle hits a really shitty shot that goes about 20 yards straight along the ground. A real worm burner. He starts cursing because we've played about 12 holes by now and it's obviously not going to get any better for him as the day warms up. I believe the exact quote was (and cover your eyes kids if profanity offends you), "This fucking game sucks. I can't wait till next year when I can hit from the fucking white goddamn tees."

To which my cousin immediately pipes up, "Yeah, then your 20 yard shots will be 30 yard shots." Because I'm riding in the cart with my Uncle, I'm trying to stifle my laughter and am not doing a very good job. Again, me not helping.

Now I say the golfing tournament consisisted of a bunch of old guys, I mean just that--past tense. They had to cancel it because so many of the guys croaked that they couldn't get a large enough of a field to keep doing it.

So this year we won't be defending a title, playing for money or catching up with old acquaintances. We'll just be golfing in farm country and I'll get to see my Pop again. And about a million cousins who unfortunately can't golf as well as my designated ringer cousin.

Radio Sucks For a Reason

Sony BMG just agreed to pay 10 very large (that's 10 million US dollars to you non-mob connected readers out there), as a result of New York State Attorney General Elliot Spitzer's investigation of payola to radio stations. Yup, a practice that started back in the 50's is still a "major problem throughout the music industry."

So yes, the reason you hear all the same crappy songs on the radio is that Sony was bribing DJ's and Programming Directors to get that shit on the air.

How bad was it? Well, look at it this way, if Sony BMG voluntarily agreed to a 10 mil fine, it's gotta be smoking gun documents bad. They skipped the trial (the same process that let Michael and OJ off) because they were caught red handed. The investigation to continues against Universal, EMI and Warner.

It's hard to believe that such fine artists as Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Usher, Christina Aguilera, Alicia Keys and Kelly Clarkson aren't being aired "based on the quality, artistic competition, or aesthetic judgments." I'm shocked, shocked to find there's gambling in Casablanca.

Sony spokesman John McKay condemned the practice as "wrong and improper" and said, "We're very, very sorry....that we got caught."

Okay, I made that last one up. You got me, Elliot. You're a regular Thomas Dewey and we know how well that turned out. Your future is still ahead of you.

The Cows Have Turned

While I was spreading the word about the animal conspiracy, I made a mistake. I forgot about the cows. And they've gone to the dark side.

In Croatia a farmer was crushed by the cow he was trying to milk.

The cow "had been very meek." It's an act, baby. The cows are throwing off their chains of bondage throughout history and taking their revenge.

Enjoy your ice cream, buster. Because it's going to be tough to come by soon. Just to be on the safe side, I'm not getting a burger for lunch.

The MOO-vement is here and the cows have us in their sights.

It's So Hot in DC....

Man, some heat wave hitting our nation's capital, Washington DC.

How hot is it?

Well, it's so hot in Washington DC right now that Karl Rove has started leaking freon.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Teddy Kennedy's head for shade.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that Clarence Thomas isn't the only member of the Supreme Court wearing nothing under his robes.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Dick Cheney's heart to keep meat from thawing.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that when people say William Rehnquist should be on ice, he already is.

Man, that's hot, I gotta tell you. Thank you, you're beautiful. Remember to tip your bartenders and servers. I'm here all week.

Squirrel Suicide Bombers

As reported previously, the animals are against us. They hate us and are trying to take us out of the top of the food chain any way they can.

Now, they've taken to blowing themselves up to start forest fires.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And if you think that wasn't bad enough, you'd better check your toilet.

Quote of the Week

"How many kids are peeing in your pool? Exactly how many are in there."

--Me, explaining kids, nature, and peeing in the pool to a co-worker who just got a pool.

And I finally remembered to post one of these before I skated for home on a Friday afternoon.

"Yabba, dabba, doo," kids. Don't hurt yourself sliding down the dinosaur to your car.

I Missed It

I've never even heard of this event, but think it's genius.

Amazing that people would rather ride the train and not be an actual participant.

You're Freaking Me Out, Tommy

Tommy Thompson, former Health and Human Services director and the former Governor of Wisconsin is going to get an RFID tag implanted in his body.

Now I always liked Tommy. He seemed to have done some good things for the neighboring state and he did get elected four times. I remember the Wisconsin Works program supposedly being a blueprint for welfare reform.

But this sounds a little crazy to me. I'm not all Mark of the Beast or anything, but why would you get a chip implanted when only two hospitals use it?

My cynical side says that if you make me the CEO of a company, I'll do anything in an effort at shameless self promotion. I've actually seen these work on pets and they're kind of cool.

But getting one just to identify my body if I'm dead? I mean I'll be dead, so I don't care. Now if you could get one that picks up cable? Then I'd totally have staff meetings licked.

Snubbed Again & Again

It looks like I'm not getting the Pistons job either. Early word on the street is that some guy named Flip who's not even a local guy is getting the gig.

Apparently, he lost in the first round of the playoffs for 8 straight years with another team.
Come on. I'm undefeated in both the regular season and the playoffs of the NBA! What a gyp.

Apparently the owner got tired of it all being about Larry and not enough about the team. Pick me, Bill D. I'll be all about the team all the time.

Man, this is turning out to be a rough week. Maybe I'll disrupt the press conference scheduled for noon today. The corpse isn't even cold. Ouch, this one hurts.

Canada Goes Gay

Look for a swell rainbow to be added to that red Maple Leaf, Canada has officially approved same sex marriage. They'll be a run for the border and you better bring flowers.

Canada is only the fourth country in the world to allow same sex marriage. You can still head to the Netherlands, Belgium or Spain if the Great White North isn't your style. Spain? I guess that explains the bullfighting. Putting a sword into a big, charging, bull. Yeah, no one could think that was repression for something else.

I really don't get all the furor over this. I am so ready for gay weddings. They'll be FAB-U-LOUS. It'll be more like a pageant than a wedding. And sure to be some drama. That whole question about whether anyone objects to this union will be fraught with a pregnant pause now to see whether the ex throws a hissy fit.

I just want to own the flower store next to the gay wedding chapel. You'll make a mint. It's all about location, location, location.

The downside to this is gay divorce. Those are going to be a bitch. And you thought the courts were backed up before.

I can't wait for my first gay reception. I'm going to have to start putting some pressure on my gay friends to tie the knot. "You're not getting any younger. He's a keeper. Take the leap. Where's my invitation?"

Snubbed Again

I waited by the phone last night waiting for the call. It never came. Some guy named John Roberts got the gig. Probably a suck up. I mean he did used to clerk for Rehnquist. I wonder if Rehnquist can still remember him?

They're making a big deal about how he's argued 39 cases in front of the Supreme Court. Big deal. I've never lost a case in front of the Supreme Court! I'm undefeated baby.

And people are pouring over every legal decision JR's made to see if they can divine which was he swings on key issues. I'm telling you there's nothing in my history of jurisprudence that's going to get me in any trouble. I'm a clean nomination. I'll sail through the Senate.

They're making a big mistake here, but what can I do. I'm already getting email from my Congressman asking me for my opinion. Yes, it's a little scary that I have the ear of important people who are already pestering me the day after I lost out on the nomination. But they really want to know:

Are you worried that some Senators will try to earn political points instead of giving Judge Roberts a fair hearing?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think it is okay for a U.S. senator to disregard a nominee's qualifications and base his or her vote solely on the nominee's Political ideology -- that is, solely because the nominee is a conservative or a liberal?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think Judge Roberts should be confirmed to the Supreme Court?
Yes No Unsure

I kind of think that he should also be asking me:

Do you like me? Yes No Unsure

It just reminds me of those notes that used to get passed in class. I wonder where my cootie catcher is?

Even though I lost out on a cushy job in DC, at least I'm still in the running to coach the Pistons. I hope someday I can be so valuable to an organization that they'll give me a big check to go away. "You're critical to our success, kid. Here's a wad of cash. Get the hell out."

Scotty, we hardly knew ye

Mr. Scott is dead. Yes, James Doohan has passed away at the age of 85.

Many people who never kissed a girl and still live in their parents' basement are in mourning. Just kidding. It's never easy for me to deal with grief. Mea culpa.

One of the greatest life lessons I ever learned was from Mr. Scott. Never tell the boss how long a project is really going to take. Inflate the time and deliver it early and so they'll think you're a miracle worker.

It's somehow fitting that Mr. Scotty passed away on Moon Day. Death is kind of the final frontier when you really think about it.

We'll miss you, Scotty. *sniff* Beam me up.

Gas Masters

I'm conducting a sociology experiment which proves that people are idiots.

There's a current run on gasoline in the Great Grey North right now. People are waiting in line for up to 30 minutes to fill their tanks before prices go up. This despite that the latest hurricane in the gulf (umm, are we up to Emily already?) won't hit Texas and disrupt gas production.

We think the run is being caused by a new gas station going in front of the new Super Size Wal-Mart (aka Try 'N Save). They just put up their sign today and even though they have no gas currently (it's still under construction) and aren't open for business, they posted the price of gas at $3 per gallon. This, we hypothesize, started the buying frenzy.

Of course you're talking about the fine educated folk who also (before the start of the Iraq war) began hording perishable foodstuffs. Yup, they cleaned the grocery stores out of milk, eggs and cheese. We may be running out of food, but we're going to have bitching omelettes for a week.

Wish I had a pix to post or a story to link to, but take my word for it. It's chaotic hilarity right now. We actually have people leaving the office to go fill up their tanks. Gotta love mob mentality.

Quote of the Week

There's been a lot of unsettled weather in the Southeastern United States lately. This comment is related to that.

"Wow, they'll be picking up beer cans as far away as Florida."

--me, upon learning the Atlanta Motor Speedway had been hit by a tornado

Before you hate me, no one was injured, no I don't watch NASCAR, and according to one article they have condomiums at the track. Yes, you read that right. There are condos at the racetrack.

Has God has had it with wrecking mobile homes (aka "tornado magnets") and is now just going straight to the races to streamline the process?

Can't believe I made a joke about tornadoes and mobile homes. I'm so going to hell.

A Quickie

Q. How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

I'm not sure why I find that so funny, but I do.

Big Bold Brazilian Bandits

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. A truism of life is "Men Love Boobies."

As exhibit A, the following armed robbery caper from Brazil:

Brazilian bandits pull off big boob job

It's true, I'm not making it up. You like the headline writer's reference to "big" as a double entendre to the size of the caper? That kind of subtle humor isn't lost upon me.

It's more interesting to learn that each implant had a number. Because of this low level registration, anyone with a "hot boobie" (quit laughing, I'm being serious here) could only use that implant for an illegal operation.

Now aside from stealing these for the best paperweight ever, what's the point? Are these faux-torso theives really going to peddle these on the black market for implants? I just have trouble imaging a Brazilian in an alley wearing a trenchcoast whispering, "I got two" to passersby.

Maybe the manufacturer is stealing back their own implants in an effort to cut supply and drive up costs? That's pretty complicated for an implants that only costs $800 per pair. I blame Karl Rove for making me think this deviously.

Jimmy Breslin wrote "The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight." Will this gang with their misbegotten mammaries be known as The Gang That Couldn't Dress Straight? Yes, I admit that was an extremely long way to go for that. Mea culpa.

Just stupid stuff for a hump day....

It's A Small World After All

Major League Baseball trotted out it's "biggest stars" last night in the annual Home Run Derby. Oh, wait a minute, I think it's the Century 21, General Motors, Little Caesar's, Ameriquest Taco Bell, International House of Pancakes Home Run Derby. But I kid MLB just because they've done everything but sell uniform space to whore out for prime time tv.

More egregious to me was the bastardization of the game. They internationalized the competition to get representatives from eight different countries. And they had to stretch to get eight. Hee-Sop Choi from Korea? C'mon, give me a break. He's only got 38 home runs in his career and 13 this year. Ivan Rodriguez was a stretch as well. He's only got six home runs on the year because the Coma, uh, Comerica Park, is a crummy hitters park and Pudge is a doubles hitter not a home run hitter. You could tell it was a bit of a sensitive issue because when they were doing the introductions they didn't show that Pudge only had 6 dingers on the year, but that he had 256 in his career.

At least you're not Canadian. They had to deal with both the loss of the NHL as well as Jason Bay (the Canadian representative) getting shut out in the first round.

At least Bobby Abreu went nuts and hit 24 in the first round. And they were mashes too. Someone his homers were over 500 feet. At least someone was really hitting homers.

Does this format smack of tokenism? I mean you pick the Korean guy to be in the contest just because he's Korean not because he's really a home run hitter. People are being included or excluded because of their country of origin not because of their skill level. Too much thinking for me. I just wanted to eat a hot dog and see some batting practice taters.

I just feel bad for guys who have 20+ home runs and are legitimate sluggers who got shunned to put on this crappy international exhibition. Oh well, I'm sure the millions of dollars a year they get paid to play a kid's game will keep them from crying in their beer.

Pukes of Hazzard

I recently saw a preview of the new Dukes of Hazzard movie while waiting for Batman Begins to finally do so.

Now I can't honestly say I never watched the original series. It did have Catherine Bach in it. And she was wearing those Daisy Duke shorts most of the time. And I obviously watched it enough that the phrase "'Bout then the Duke boys decided to give Boss Hogg a run for his money" is in my head whenever a buddy and I are going to do something stupid.

Despite that early exposure, I know that I will not be exposed to the latest film version of the Dukes of Hazzard.

I will also make some bold predictions that none of the following will ever be said about the movie:

• Feel Good Hit of the Summer
• a taut, psychological thriller that will keep you guessing until the very end
• a performance so textured and nuanced that Oscar will come calling
• rich, luxurious cintematography

I could be wrong, but I'll bet I'm not.

Quote of the Week (a Two-fer)

This week it's not me. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who says stupid stuff around this office.

"Media training is very helpful. I know it helped me in the divorce."

--a fellow Virtucon drone discussing the need to get some new folks media training

Ah, the importance of staying "on message" when discussing thorny issues. Something that will always keep the public affairs professionals employeed.

To the fine people of London, I'm reminded of a quote from someone who was much more inspirational than me:

"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

--Sir Winston Churchill, 1940 in the House of Commons after the retreat from Dunkirk, France

After surviving the German bombing of World War II, I think it's going to take more than a bit of public transport terrorism to make the Brits back down. They're made from a bit firmer stock than that.

Yabba, dabba, doo. It's quittin' time (try to imagine Fred Flintstone sliding down the dino tail and leaving the rock quarry). That's me, kids. Enjoy the weekend, ya'll.

Friendus Interruptus

My friend is leaving this 'lil outpost of hell in the Great Grey North to move to Connecticut. I'm of the opinion that he's going to stick out like a sore thumb there and have some difficulties adjusting. But I'm keeping my piehole shut about his impending misery.

Let's see how much change he's introducting into his life right now. New job, check. New house, check. New baby, check. Yup, the wifey-poo was supposed to have her c-section this morning at 7:30 am EST. Haven't heard anything yet, but I figure all is well as this is the second spud she's having.

I'm trying to come to some reconciliation that I probably won't talk to him anymore. It was bad enough when he had his first kid and only got worse when we moved across town. He couldn't do the drop by while pretending to walk the kid and sit out on the patio and suck beer and discuss philosophy and all that was right with the world.

Oh sure we'll email, and maybe swap amusing greeting cards on major holidays or birthdays, and we'll always have Paris. (Just kidding about Paris there kids...and I meant the wannabe Olympic site not the skanky hotel heiress).

But we won't have the kind of hijinx like we did at dinner last night. We had to eat at a time so early only old people eat to get the early bird because the wife has to fast for 12 hours before the cutting began. I talked the waitress into free desert for the baby because it was almost his birthday.

We also told the waitress that I was the sperm donor because my friend had a narrow urethera. "He's like a coffee stir stick," I volunteered to the waitress while my co-conspirators were reduced to tears. She had only confused looks for the table but maybe she can look it up later.

It's Gotta Be In The Water

A woman from Bountiful, Utah recently got her face tattooed with Golden Palace.com for ten large. It's true, I'm not making this up.

But just knowing someone got a face tattoo probably doesn't do it justice. It's in great big, bold, black, block letters right on her forehead. Go ahead, check out that picture. I tried to upload it here, but couldn't get it to work. I'll wait.

Hmm, hmmm, hmmm. Back? Okay.

But what has this mother accomplished other than ensuring she'll never have a career in the service industry and getting her son nicknamed "Tattoo Boy?" The money's not even going for college. What's she going to have to have branded when he matriculates?

And if you think that kid isn't going to hear about this the first time he forgets to take out the trash or doesn't do his homework, you're kidding yourself.

"Young man, I did not endure hours of needles being shoved into my face just so you could sit around and play video games! Don't you give me that look. I see your ungrateful face everytime I look in the mirror."

Don't Stand In Front of the Fan

I'm sorry to see Sandra Day O'Connor resign from the Supreme Court. First, as a former 'Zona boy is was great to see some local talent make good. Of course, she did make the mistake of going to Stanford instead of UA Law, but we can't all be smart when matriculating.

No, I'm especially sorry because it's going to be the next political hissyfit we have to hear about in the news for the next few months. I already love how people are handicapping the possible successors and can predict their future jurisprudence. I've got to make sure I block CSPAN on the TIVO so I don't accidentally stumble across any confirmation hearings by accident.

I thought I'd never miss Tom Cruise, but maybe I was wrong....

Rock Stars, is there anything they don't know?

Well the Live 8 concerts are coming up soon. I thought the Live Aid concerts Bob (minus the Boomtown Rats) did earlier fixed everything right? Oh, that's right. They accomplished nothing. I guess I just don't understand how live music fixes international finance. Should have stayed in school. This time we're not raising money (because it doesn't work as a solution to an institutional problem), we're raising awareness. Right.

I think the real tragedy is that Pink Floyd is going to reunite and they only get 15 minutes to play. Are you kidding me? That's not even enough time to fire up a fatty and get through Dark Side of the Moon. This is crazy.

And if we're going to have a big concert for debt relief, how come Bob can't do anything about me and my credit cards. I swear I won't buy all that electronic equipment at Best Buy again, Mr. Geldof.

Fourth Fun

Remember kids, fireworks and alcohol don't mix. So get all of your drinking out of the way before you start lighting the bottle rockets. It's chug then boom.

Llong ago I actually worked in a fireworks factory. All we did was take the fireworks which were made in China and put in large, ugly plain brown boxes and repackage them into those colorful assortment boxes sold at all of those transient stands that seem to pop up overnight at this time of year. What a racket.

That same summer two other fireworks factories blew up. I actually had to keep someone from trying to smoke in the warehouse. Yikes!

To amuse myself, I used to read the instructions on the fireworks. And I think it was safe to safe that though they were printed in English, it might have been a bad translation.

There was one firework called a Lotus Blossom that you put on the ground and then it spun around very fast and changed colors. It was only for night use or you would see the colors and spinning correctly. And the instructions on the firework were (and I'm not making this up):

Place on ground. Lite fuse. Get away.

I still remember the typo on light to this day.

The only good thing about that job was that my house had a bitchin' fireworks display that year from all the leftover crap that didn't get sold. I wound up setting one of the buses in our yard on fire from an errant bottle rocket and had to scramble for a bucket of water. Ah, memories.

Be safe folks. You don't want to be nicknamed "Stumpy" the rest of your life.

An Epiphany

If we close Guantanamo, could we just send all the detainees to Neverland Ranch where we know it's an abuse free environment?

I'm just saying.....

The Animal Conspiracy aka Shark Triscuits

I wish I had discovered this, but it's the genius of Tim Bedore (as heard on NPR and The Bob & Tom Show) who first pointed out that all animals hate us.

There were three more attacks recently. The first two were shark attacks in Florida. I immediately screamed, "This was no boat accident."

Now I don't know what they make boogie boards out of, but I've renamed them Shark Triscuits. I can't count the number of times I've seen a shot of some boogie board with a shark bite taken out of it. I don't know if sharks love them or not, but people are just the meat that sit on top of a cracker to them.

The other attack involved a bear and a couple of campers and took place in Alaska.

Now this is getting just a little too spooky. Animals on both sides of America's coast are coordinating their attacks! You can't swim because of the sharks and you can't camp because of the bears. Is it any wonder we're seeing increasing urbanization?

As you make your plans for the 4th of July, look out for the squirrels. How do they fit in? In the words of Tim Bedore, "Surveillance obviously."

Be safe out there kids.

Quote of the Week

I'm definitely going to have to get on a new schedule for the QOTW. I just can't seem to get my shit in gear on a Friday afternoon and get this posted.

So I'm shooting for a Monday release. How's that for productivity? Wow, feel the wheels of commerce a turning.

Here it be:

If you cannot reach a site, wait a few minutes and try again.
Please do not call the us directly, as we are aware of the problem.

--Virtucon's IT department giving us "tips" regarding the corporate intranet availability issues we've been having

Thank you, Mr. Helper! Now return to your toil, drones.

TV + DVD = Hilarity

I'm not sure why, but some television shows are better on DVD than they are on television. It doesn't make sense, but if you sit and watch the shows back to back on the DVD release they're actually better than if you watched them when they were aired on television.

I've noticed this with both Arrested Development and Entourage. I actually think Arrested Development was funnier when I watched shows consecutively.

That being the case, I'm sure Saved By The Bell is going to be hilarious this time around. Next time you are in Best Buy look through the television section of the DVD's and notice how much shit is in there. Shows that aboslutely blew chunks are available for purchase. The DVD format must also be comedy enhancing even for truly crappy shows.

Why else would Airwolf be on DVD? I'm betting that's even funnier than the Anna Nicole Show. It's also kind of scary that Amazon suggests that if you like Anna Nicole, you'll also like The Simple Life. The horror....the horror.....

Quote of the Week

"If you get to be 51 and don't know either a wet vac or bail bonds work, you've made the right choices in your life."

--me, describing a co-worker at lunch

Dance Revolution

I really can't believe this, but it's true. The number one most watched television show last week was ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." It's ratings were even higher than for the NBA finals.

Now, I love a trainwreck as much as anyone. I'll confess to watching some of the Anna Nicole Smith show. That's because men love boobies and TIVO is a powerful drug.

But ballroom dancing with c-list stars? The only people only the show you know are Evander Holyfield and the catalog guy from Seinfeld.

J. Peterman, how could you sink so low?

Wake up, America. Rent the Sopranos or Arrested Development and watch a good show for crying out loud. Ride a bike, go for a walk, play golf, or go actually dance yourself.

For the love of God don't watch this shit.

Quote of the Week

I completely forgot to post the quote from last week. I'll chalk it up to being really busy (we had three Virtucon business sites go live last week) and being in two days of training on Creating Strategic Partnerships.

I learned to be assertive. Like that's the problem.

Anyway, here's the QOTW:

"You Assbag! I'm not doing it."
--me, demonstrating how to be aggressive in a meeting

Maybe Naked Zorro Commutes

I'll confess to a general lack of the knowledge about the geography of Philadelphia suburbs.

But if you're on the prowl to catch Naked Zorro, he's struck again.

Now he's struck in Montco, PA.

I like to think this is just an extremely innovative guerrilla publicity campaign to whip up interest in a new book. More likely it's a just a freak in a cape.

But Is He a Gay Blade?

If you live in the Philadelphia area, you may know there is a new masked avenger on the scene. Patrolling the streets....clad in a black mask.....bringing joy to the people of Doylestown, PA....fighting for "the peeples" against tyranny and injustice....clad only in a black mask. Oh, and some white running shoes.

That's right, Naked Zorro is on the prowl.

At least nine women have seen our naked crimefighter, but their accounts differ. Some described him as white his mid- to late 20s with blonde or brown curly with an "average" build. Other women who previously saw a naked man said he had a "thin" build. One woman said she spotted a naked man who wasn't wearing a mask. Which makes me wonder just how many naked men are running around the Doylestown?

Anyway, I totally know what I'm going to be for Halloween this year.

Quote of the Week

"Cults don't charge dues. They take all your money."

Me, explaining the difference between the International Association of Business Communicators and a cult

My favorite headline from the recent announcement out of DC was:

Bush Anxious to Learn More of Deep Throat

Hey, aren't we all? Didn't he have trouble with just a pretzel? And I though Deep Throat was exactly what got the last guy in trouble.

I don't get all the furor over this. It seems the mainstream media loves a store where the media type is made out to be a hero. Wonder why that is?

I just remember the Watergate hearings while I was a wee one and there being no tv on at all because the networks covered it non-stop. I remember whining about the lack of cartoons to my Mom and receiving no sympathy.

Anonymous Sources

An anonymous source claims in various media reports that Larry Brown, the head coach of the Pistons, is going to leave Detroit at the end of this season (which is still onging by the way), to become the President of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

So, if that's true, he'd become a Cleveland Brown.

Wow, that a long way to go for that one.

No word on whether the anonymous souce for the Larry Brown tip is Deep Throat.

Quote of the Week

I tend to write down a lot of the stupid things people around me say. I'm included in that list by the way.

I've decided to start posting them here. With any luck this will be both entertaining and funny. Keep your fingers crossed, kids.

"That's 'Shit Your Pants' kind of food."
--referring to a chili cheese omelette for breakfast

Reading this now, it doesn't seem as funny. But at the time, I almost nosed by beverage.

Free Radio

My wife asked me the other night what was my favorite story about us. I didn't think of this one at the time, but here it is.

We were both still in college and lived across the hall from each other in a dorm. The dorm had two sides (North & South) and was shaped like a U with all of the class rooms in the bottom part of the U. Thus, if you were on the right side of the hall, you could look across the way and see whether the lights were on in the other wing. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, someone got us a microphone and we plugged it into our stereo so we could talk to the other wing. And by talk I mean yell at, play music, offer to put on suntan lotion for girls who laid out on the lawn and otherwise harrassed people. We liked to yell across the way and tell people what to do. Typically that only involved turning lights on and off, waving, dancing, pressing their breasts up against the window. Yeah, you're right, that last one never worked.

One afternoon, we began to drink and engage in our "broadcast." Eventually, a class that my wife and I were in together (we were just flirting then; not even dating because she had a boyfriend while I pined for her) rolled around. I blew it off, but she went and snuck a gin and tonic into the class. It was something really boring. I think Agricultural Economics with some Grad Assistant who was a complete bore and a farmer type.

Unfortunately for my wife, the class took place in the dorm. That's right, it was in one of those classrooms in the U shaped part. Luckily for me, it was warm enough that they had the windows open. All the better to hear us as we engaged in our broadcast.

So I start yelling my wife's name. "Hey, you're not paying attention. Check her glass. She hates this class. We're just killing time 'til we're free." You can imagine the line of commentary.

Finally, the GA says, "Umm, I believe you're being paged." (I only found this out later). What I first heard was the door to our wing open and someone yell, "I'm going to kick your ass" and a bunch of laughter followed by running feet.

We shut the door in her face and continued our commentary. "Wow, it seems like we've struck a chord with our audience. Someone is pounding on our door to show their appreciation."

We eventually let her in, but I still think she was more pissed than laughing.

Shakes or Fingers?

By now most people have heard about the lady who claimed she found a human finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili.

Well now the man who lost the finger has been identified. He lost his finger in an accident with a trucklift according to a Reuters report. And he gave the finger to a co-worker to settle a debt for $50.

I'm not so certain that everyone has heard about the woman, Anna Ayala, who found the finger being charged with grand theft and conspiracy to present a fraudulent insurance claim. She's still awaiting trial and is in jail. The court felt she was a flight risk and set bail at $500,000.

To combat the lost sales it's currently experiencing, last weekend Wendy's gave away 15 million free Frosty's. Now I am no Wendy's connoisseur (because I don't like square hamburgers), but if you wanted to prove to people that there aren't fingers in your chili, wouldn't you give away chili?

This is pretty straight-forward crisis management activity in the long run. But you still worry about copycats if you're the company. Prosecutors in the case claim that Wendy's has lost 2.5 million in sales and been forced to layoff employees. That means that Wendy's has to feel that their corporate reputation has taken a bigger hit than 2.5 million if they gave away 15 million Frosty's. They also had the president and COO jetting around the country to meet with customers at the restaurants.

I still hear Dave, the funniest man in the world, making finger jokes. I'm not sure what else the company could do. Maybe give away copies of the Freddy Got Fingered DVD? Trips to the Finger Lakes in New York?

Where Was This Study When I Was In School

A recent study of 20 year olds drinkers had them watch tv with an unlimited supply of beer.

Supposedly this was to study the impact of taking kudzu pills on binge drinking.

My favorite part of the story:

Reasearchers said it was quite easy to gather the volunteers.

Well, duh. "Hey, who wants to watch tv and drink an unlimited supply of beer? Anyone? Please, we really need some help on this project."

The research also speculates that it simply takes less beer to make you drunk when you also take the kudzu.

I can see it now. New Coors Kudzu. Helps you get your drink on. For people without a lot of time to get drunk.

What's All This About a Space Movie?

I don't know if you've heard, but apparently there's some movie coming out about outer space. I don't know much about it and don't want to give anything away, but I don't think it ends well for someone name Anakin. You've probably heard about it if you've bought a Pepsi, used your cell phone, watched tv or read a paper or magazine lately.

Here are some other spoilers for the new movie:

Artoo & 3P0 get married
Under that mask, Darth Vader is really Michael Jackson
Droid army defeated simply by changing batteries in the remote

People have even started a website called Thank You George. They're trying to collect a million signatures to thank the Creator himself. I kind of think the kajillion dollars he's made is thank you enough.

All of that being said, I will go see the movie. I'm not the camping out type, but I'll probably try to see it opening weekend. It depends on whether I can stomach the sheer number of screeching urchins sure to be packing the theater.

This Just In

The Vatican has just invaded Poland.

When did the food pyramid go gay? Because I swear that's the gay pride flag now.

Non-verbal Communication or Splitting the Atom

My wife gets me. I mean really gets me about most things. She wasn't happy though that none of my stories here never seem to involve her. And it's not that there aren't any, I just hadn't told any yet. This is a story about how she gets me.

We were checking out of a store. Don't remember where, don't remember what we were buying. The check out person couldn't get us checked out because some item was unpriced.

So the checkout person calls over the manager. And we're in committee. Runners are dispatched to where the item resides to see if other items are marked. "None of them were marked," I inform the committee. Runners confirm my truth-telling. Animals are sacrificed and entrails are examined. The gods are silent.

Negotiations begin amongst the staff. We look on expectantly to the tribe elders. Are there special savings at this time of year? Teeth are gnashed, clothes are rended, forelocks are pulled.

We finally escape with our purchase. "That was a real pain," my wife says. "Yeah, but then they were splitting the atom there."

Thus the phrase "splitting the atom" was born as our snarky little comment referring to incompetent people doing routine tasks.

Now whenever we're having a hard time getting out of a store, a simple "splitting the atom" comment whispered under our breath will have us erupting in laughter. Even worse was when she made a hand motion from across a room as if she was breaking a stick in two and I knew exactly what she meant and busted up laughing. And when you're laughing to yourself in a store for what appears to be no reason, people sidle away quietly.

My wife....she gets me.

"Are You Trying To Seduce Me, Mrs. Gallagher-Smith?"

A caddie is suing his former golfer (and employer) for tricking him into getting her pregnant. It's true.

Gary Robinson, a 26 year old, single, male, ex-caddy, is suing Jackie Gallegher-Smith, a married LPGA professional, for fraud and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Gary claims to have been in "an emotional state" after having recently broken up from his girlfriend. While he was on the rebound, Jackie hornswoggled him into having unprotected sex with her.

Because Florida law presumes that any child born into a lawful marriage is the result of that marriage, Gary doesn't have standing to request a DNA test. Thus, he's left with the only possible solution of my favorite Unfrozen Caveman Attorney, 4.4 million dollars.

My favorite quote of the suit: "He was put into the position of being an unwitting sperm donor."

Okay, I'll pass on the easy joke of the position he was put into. But an "unwitting donor?" If you do that with a part of the male anatomy, I'm willing to bet you're going to get sperm out of it.

What is this milky white fluid erupting from my penis? That's never happened before.

Gary also claims he'll never be able to find work as a caddy again. I disagree, he may actually have increased his marketability. But his card will have to read Caddy/Male Prostitute.