Year of the Cat

Man, I don't know what's been going on around here. That's probably because everything is hazy from all that meat and lack of sleep.

You can only take so many of those late night attorney recruitment tv adverts for the "working men" who were lucky enough to get mesothelioma or black lung or a slip and fall one of those other lucrative yet medically difficult to disprove diseases.

But when I heard about Flying Kitties, panic ensued.

I'm still terrified of the Flying Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. And that was when I was eight.

Once there are tabbies taking to the wild blue yonder, the Animal Conspiracy will be in full swing. Those recon squirrels will seem like a long lost brother when the animals have air superiority thanks to their platoons of Sky Kitties. And will a squad of Siamese cats, yell "Purra Purra Purra" when they dive bomb us?

At least they'll be less bird poop on cars.

Now I gotta go start planting some catnip. It's our only defense.

Bicycle Race

I hope by now you're taking the Animal Conspiracy seriously. Tim Bedore has been warning you for years.

Because now they're trying to take out our means of communications.

That's right, the animals have gone on the offensive again. This time a deer took out Matt Lauer while he was riding his bike in the Hamptons.

There are deer in the Hamptons? Probably a mole. Well not a real mole. You know. A deer spy under deep cover and just waiting for activation.

Now I've never been attacked by any animals whilst peddling my velocipede. But if that ever happens, I'd probably need one of those steam cleaners to get the stains out of my shorts.

Some people don't believe the animals are against us. Why, these naysayers say, would animals be attacking us. It's simple. They hate us. They envy our chlorinated pools, warm homes, fast cars, malt beverages and comfort-inducing iPods.

Squirrels provide the recon, bears are the tanks and deer are the kamikaze pilots of the Animal Conspiracy. Luckily the dogs are on our side. But don't trust your cats. Skip feeding them for a weekend and they'll be gnawing on your carcass come Monday.

Luckily, Matt escaped with only a separated shoulder. But don't think you're safe, Matt. You're a high profile target in the Species Wars. If they can take out you, it'll send a message to the rest of us and demoralize our morale. It's only a matter of time before they try again. So next time you go biking, lay off the spandex and try wearing some protective kevlar instead.

Be safe out there, kids. Keep you head down, your bum up and your eyes peeled. Because a squirrel probably has you under surveillance right now.

Who's The Leader Of the Club?

In new New Zealand news, a man has been sentenced to 180 hours of community service for cruelty to a mouse. Which he pulled out of a woman's cleavage. And pretended to eat it and accidentally killed it.

Okay, there's a lot going on here.

Lindsay Rowles was the man and he pled guilty to the charges of animal cruelty and offensive behavior. A charge of indecent assault was dropped in return for the plea bargain. You can be charged with offensive behavior? Yankees fans have been getting away with this for years! Hiyo.

But the most important part of the story is completely ignored by the reporter on this story.

Why was a mouse in a woman's cleavage?

Granted, it was probably a titmouse. But does that make her an M cup? Granted all creatures like to snuggle in a nice, warm, cozy, bounteous, nippleicious bunch of cleavage. Especially men. But if I see a mouse peeking out from a woman's breasticles, it's my obligation, nay duty, to leap to her defense and protect her from the trespassing rodentia. Is that a mouse in your shirt or are you just glad to see me?

In fact, that would make a pretty good PS3 game where you put the smack down on wave after wave of chest trespassing rodents. It combines violence with boobies which is really the sweet spot for most videogamers.

I don't know what's going on here, but we've clearly got an infestation of vermin in the chesticles of the women of this planet. You may remember Batgirl who found a bat in her bra. First, England, now New Zealand. It's obviously a spreading epidemic.

There's only one option. We must set a trap for these interlopers. To prevent disease and rabies and nesting in the naughty bits, we must act and act now. We can't wait for our government to study this to death, appoint a blue ribbon commission to do fact finding and then issue a large bailout check loaded with pork. We should have just put that 700 billion on our credit card so we could have gotten the points anyway.

This post will serve as the official formation of the Mouse Mammary Members. We will spend every waking moment hidden within the breasts of women and laying in wait for interloping vermin. Hopefully laying a lot. In wait. Lots and lots of waiting right there.

Now we just need a few women to help us set our trap.

Don't be shy about volunteering, ladies. We're only doing this to keep you safe. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice.

Now let's fall out and take off those bras for a surprise infestation inspection.

I Believe I Can Fly

The Wife is out of town for a few days visiting her parents. So I'm outnumbered in the man v. beast category around the Shaque D'amour. Currently it's Dogs 2, Humans 1. Of course some have suggested that it'll just be three of us sitting on the floor eating bacon.


Which is completely untrue. Last night it was chicken. And we all were watching baseball. Playoff baseball. Some of us even had on more than just underwear. Socks count as clothing you know.


But even though I've had to switch to the zone defense to try to prevent the double team, I'm unable to keep watch on both Hell Hounds all the time. And apparently, the wee one, Tiki, has learned to fly. Yes, you read that correctly.


See we have to put the tiny tot into a holding cell during the day as he's so young he can't get his shots yet: Rabies, Rubella, Mumps, Bordatella. I'm unsure of the specifics obviously. Which means we can't just inflict him upon some unsuspecting Dog Day Care because of their silly rules about disease and such.


So during the day for short periods of time until we can return home to cater to his every whim at lunch and dinner and coffee breaks and conference calls, he goes in The Mormon Vault. I'm not making this up.


The houses out here in God's Country have a sort of built in downstairs pantry wherein The Chosen store food in preparation for the End of Days or the Rapture or the election of Obama. I'm not certain how much food they're supposed to be squirrelling away. It's either 3 months or a year. Instead we squirrel away our Tiki Monster. It's like a concrete closet which I've cleverly MacGuyvered a dog gate to with the use of plastic clothing container and picture wire around some exposed studs. Seriously, I have made skillz in terms of juryrigging crap. I didn't even have to use duct tape on this one.


But the other day, Tiki went over the wall. Which is some mad Great Escape for someone without opposable thumbs. Because while the dog door has an opening wherein the containee beast can enter into, it latches. With a sliding piece of plastic held in place by a spring. So there's really no way a dog could open it with his mouth. He'd have to slide the plastic piece over and hold it in place while pulling up on the latch. Impossible.


When we got home, the gate door was open and Tiki had romped and frolicked to great joy within the many treasures contained in our basement and enjoyed snacking upon various and sundry delicacies like Xbox 360 headsets and furnace filters. Now I know there's no way my very responsible Wife could have been so distracted by a squirming, flying-power-hiding puppy and would have left the gate unlatched. So he must be able to fly.


Now I've got to go so I can hook up a camcorder to nab some video of him soaring around the basement. Because that's going to be really popular on Youtube.


I could be wrong of course. They may be some other logical explanation for how he busted out of the joint.


Like he could be telekinetic.

It's Not Easy Being Green

I didn't even know Polar Bears celebrated St. Patrick's Day.

And if they do, I'm pretty sure it's not with Diet Coke.

I'm just kidding. That's what happens when a polar bear jumps into a pool that's full of algae.

At least that's what they'd like you to think.

It's probably some top secret Japanese experiment involving polar bear and plant dna splicing.

EVERYBODY PANIC!!! THE PLANTAR BEARS HAVE ESCAPED FROM THE LAB!!!

The Communists Have Won

Be afraid, be very afraid.

I've previously reported about the genius of Tim Bedore and the Animal Conspiracy.

Well the squirrels have gotten a promotion. They're no longer just providing reconnaissance.

They've been upgraded to field work. And they're communists (enjoy that video goodness). That's right, squirrels are now stealing American flags!

Why are we the target for animal ire? That's easy--they hate us. We've hunted them, penned them, polluted their homes and even dined on them. They're all against us. Remember that the next time you have to swerve your car while doing 75 to avoid hitting a deer. That was the animal equivalent of a drive by, my friend.

Be wary of all animals. Except the dogs who, just like the British, will always be on our side. As long as the food holds out anyway.