Thursday, July 02, 2009

The Tender Trap

As a regular reader, you're acquainted with the many, many times I've pointed out our long, long obsession with breasts. That this also makes me giggle should in no way undermine the serious, serious nature of the issue. Which is why I so lovingly write of the Cleavacious.

But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.

Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.

Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.

Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.

The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.

Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?

May I humbly submit:
  • Treasure Chest
  • Boobie Bank
  • My Cup Runneth Over
  • Ta Ta Travel All
  • RackTastic
  • Knocker Nook
  • The Tranny Cranny
  • Hidden Assets
  • Bra-llet
  • Winnebago Wad
  • ChestChange
  • SweaterPuppies Stash
  • Co Co Carryall
  • Guns No Show
  • Fun Pillows Purse
  • Honkers Be Hidden

I'm sure you have ideas as well, kids.

Anybody actually own one of these?

I always thought women just took the money given to them and put it in there anyway. Like in My Favorite Year when she takes the dollar bill for accordian lessons and secretes is away. You're welcome to the two of you who got that reference. Any man worth his salt would ever turn down a sweaty bill recently plucked from the midst of your undercarriage.

And a tip of the cap to Froggie for passing knowlege of this wonderful product along. Keep those stupid ideas coming!


Reigning Frog said...

How about "Victoria's Secret Stash?" And it's sponsored by Discover, the bra that pays you back.

Bra-llet is genius!

Rox said...

So it sticks to your skin?! That's the dumbest thing ever! For one, what it would do to the line of your clothing, well, it would knock everything off kilter! We'd all look like Joy Behar!
And second, who wants dirty, probably-shoved-down-a-stripper's-G-string dollar bills stuck near your girlie bits?!
And you can't keep lipstick in your bra! It will melt!

I think it's just easier to have a burly man carry your purse. But that's just this girls' opinion!

Cat said...

This might be the greatest invention of all time, because nothing ruins a pair of cute jeans like the outline of a license through the pocket.