Oh Captain, My Captain

I don't if I've ever told the story about how Wife almost electrocuted me. But I was thinking about it this morning as I made my toast in the shower.

Wife & I were once sailors. Not real sailors with tattoos and nautical skills, but fools who lived on a lake and envied the water-privileged. So we bought a boat for $300. Obviously not a huge outlay, but it was a nice little 15' outboard. And because we couldn't afford a boat lift, we just tied it to a crummy little metal dock that came with the house. It wasn't a big lake anyway.

Or so we thought....

Until one day when the Edmund Fitzgerald was tied up and a squall blew in off the lake. It hit the back transom just right to put a bunch of water under the cover and into the back of the boat. This caused it to flounder and sink in about 3 feet of water. Yup, as an intrepid captain with no marine insurance, I somehow managed to sink a boat that I wasn't even on while I was picking up a pizza. That takes skill by Poseidon.

So I called one of my engineer buddies who owned a pump and who I figured would know something useful. Unfortunately, he turned out to be one of those more "theoretical" marine engineers. We wound up sinking the boat again after we had it partially pumped out. We had to use cinder blocks and a big post as a lever to hold the boat up out of the water while water pumped out. We weren't paying attention and let the lever go for a while and the boat settled and sunk again. Yeah, it was probably all the tequila, but when you're shivering on an Autumn night and it's lightning while you're standing in open water, you need a bracer or four.

But on to the near electrocution....

As we first began to set up the pump, I gave Wife the extension cord to plug in. When she came back, she was going to throw the now plugged in cord to me to plug in to the pump. That's right, she was going to throw me a live wire, while I stood waist deep in the water. Luckily I shouted as her to stop (with several profanities) as my buddy attempted to do his best Jesus impersonation. Don't try that at home kids. Wife still claims this was just an oversight on her part. But I always wonder whenever we make waffles in the bathtub.

Luckily there was no Coast Guard hearing as to how I sunk a boat twice while it was tied up to a dock. Man, were we glad when we finally sold that boat--for $300.

She Drives Me Cuckoo

I've got my latest get rich quick scheme.

It's amazingly simple.

1) Buy some real estate in Bermuda
2) Corner the market on Coco Pops
3) Price gouge the hell out of the addicted Bermudians

Bermudites? Bermudies? Bermudists? That sounds like they've got a lot of au naturale beaches.

Anyway, Bermuda is now 4th fattest country in the world because of Coco Pops. At least that who Bermuda's health coordinator, Jennifer Attride-Stirling is making the scapegoat. And I always thought breakfast was the most important meal of the day. I'm sure it's not because the Honorable Ms. Attride-Stirling is just galivanting around the beaches of Bermuda in her swell shorts while stealing unsupecting ships and planes and not coordinating the health of her citizenry.

When did Coco Pops get rid of the bi-polar bird? There's some kind of monkey there now. I'd pass on anything in a bowl that was small, round and brown if a monkey gave it to me.

Is there a difference between Coco Pops and Coco Puffs? Or is this like one of those slick corporate tricks where they have Barbie and a rival company has a doll called Barbee that's spelled just slightly different enough to avoid expensive copyright litigation?

And if these Bermudists are hooked on chocolate-flavored breakfast cereals, Ms. Atride-Stirling better hope they never discover bacon.

I'd like to take my Canon Powershot camera down to Bermuda and snap a couple of action photos of corpulent Bermudists. I'm betting they can't compare to the people I can see at the fair every year. And that's just the line for elephant ears.

All I Owe Iowa

As a concerned Mid-westerner, I'm worried about Iowa. First, the University of Iowa dropped its annual corn on the cob eating contest. And then the gigantic wheel of karma rolled back around and crushed them underneath by causing them to lose to Iowa State in the big football game.

Now, the Iowa State Fair Board may ban the erotic corn dog eating contest. Who is surprised that the erotic corn dog eating contest is in Iowa? Anyone? And I'm amazed there's no video out there. And I was really looking.

While I have never seen the contest, I am willing to go on record that it is fantastic.

Contestants are given 30 seconds to demonstrate their "skills" while a crowd looks on and is "very enthusiastic and very responsive." Because let's face it, if someone is eating the old corn dog, you're going to be pretty, pretty appreciative. Contestants can also use condiments. And in this day and age of casual corn dogging, if you're going to eat a corn dog, you should be using a condiment.

This year's winner Lacey Schmidt, 24, of Ames not only got Alice Cooper concert tickets, but ensured she would have dates for the rest of her life.

I can't imagine why the fair would want to ban this kind of wholesome, family fun. It just underscores how America is leading the world in food-on-a-stick technology. Being able to eat a corn dog erotically isn't going to send you to drug rehabilitation or cause you to make a sex video that winds up on the interwebs or drive drunk or lose custody of your kids. In fact, winning the corn dog eating contest is something you'll probably want to put on your resume.

Please, Iowa State Fair Kahunas, please keep the contest. It's uniquely Iowa and good, semi-clean fun. Lacey, enjoy your new popularity.

Song to Woody

If you're not a golf fan, you may have missed this one. It's already legendary.




Woody Austin is a great guy and usually wears loud Tabasco brand shirts and also has a great sense of humor. The crowds for the remainder of his match kept dogging him with shouts of Marco and Polo.

What you don't see in that clip is that Acquaman the Woodman birdied the last three holes of his match to salvage it for the US Team.

Oh, and he showed up for his final match with a pair of goggles just in case. Woody, you might want to consider some Arizona real estate. They don't have much water there.

More True Grocery Adventures

Because I've lost a bit of weight lately (it's probably just the poverty and the crank), some of my clothes are a little baggy. I tend to buy clothes baggy because I'm not crazy about looking like a snausage whilst in public. But I wouldn't say I look like an original gansta with my pants riding low on my hips with some underwear flashing.

And I swear it's not because of all the diet pills that Barry Bonds lets me "borrow."

Anyways, I've got one hand in my pocket to make sure my pants aren't flashing a bit too much gotchies and I'm getting some sunflower seeds from the top shelf. For some reason this store believes that only tall people are allowed the rich goodness that are roasted sunflower seeds.

When a Meemaw (complete with a hump) said as she was bent over her cart at a 45 degree angle, "Excuse me, but can you help me reach the nuts?"

Without thinking, I blurted out, "Not while I've got my hand in my pocket."

Yes, she was very confused and didn't get any nut assistance from me because I hightailed it out of there.

The Kids Are Alright

I've not written about Kid Nation until now because I'm still a bit on the fence.

First, Hollywood was all against it. That made me like it straight away. Hollywood doesn't like reality programming because the writers don't care for a tv genre that's making them obsolete.

Second, I'm generally in favor of any show that starts with the premise of stranding 40 kids in the Middle Of Nowhere, New Mexico. I wanted a consult though because I've been keeping a list for some kids in my neighborhood who they should have taken. Come back to us Uncle Shelby.

Third, when parents are up in a hizzy about what happened to their wannabe actor/children/mealtickets, you've got to like that as well.

I'm still holding out hopes that some one's head is going to wind up on a stake. Hope I didn't ruin anything for anyone there.

But the show really doesn't have that much action. Sure they manufacture conflict just like every show. There are wacky challenges that make the kids do crazy stunts. Is every reality show just a bigger version of Super Sloppy Double Dare?

And it's not really reality. Reality is reality. TV isn't reality by any stretch of the imagination. The big kids pick on the littler kids. Anyone with an older sibling could have predicted that. They have a cash award each show that everyone sucks up to win. Who saw sucking up coming? Some kids are lazy. Some kids seem very mature.

They claim there are no adults. Unless you count that lame host who keeps ringing bells and handing out instructions and tasks. Don't hassle me, man! And you know there are about a zillion adults in the form of PA's and Cameramen and Medical Staff and Craft Services and a phalanx of attorneys. So there's very little chance that a true kid riot and insurrection will break out. They've got at least a skeleton of a town with bathrooms and a kitchen and the like. It's not like their going to be called upon to do any power supply repair.

But I'm hoping for something like the final parade scene in Animal House or the ESPN Y2K test commercial.

So I'll probably just get a Season Pass for this until Celebrity Medical Exams or Parrot Trooper comes on. After that it'll just slowly expire in my to do list....

Wipe Out

In addition to the rampant cat shaving going on unchecked in Wisconsin, there are even more nefarious activities going on.

If you're a man and in the Fon du Lac County Government Center, be careful in the toilets. Someone has been stealing toilet paper from the Men's bathrooms all Summer. I always figured if someone was going to go on a tp spree, it would be in White Cloud, Michigan.

Luckily, it's not costing the county much money because "we don't buy the best toilet paper" according to County Executive Allen Buechel. Now we know why those people at the government offices are so cranky. That must be rough have to make do with low cost tp. But sometimes all you can do is roll over and take it from The Man. There's no way to soften the blow this is causing to morale. Maybe they should stage a sit down strike until the scofflaw is eventually caught in the end.

Those poor Fon du Lackeys need to buy some Orlando real estate and get the heck out of there. No one should have to stand (or sit) for that kind of workplace behavior.

Cat's In The Cradle

If you and your cat are headed to Ashippun, Wisconsin, be on the look out for anyone with a disposable razor.

Kimberly Meyers had her kitty shaved on Sunday night. Use that direct link. You don't want to google a shorn kitty. You'll get some weird results. Especially if you're adult filter isn't on.

Police know who the shaver was and "plan to talk with the person responsible." Hmm, is that code for ass-beating? I know it is with the L.A. police.

There's a lot to this story we aren't being told. There are significant details simply not reported. Now, I'm not going to use the C word ("cover up"), but why aren't we being told the truth and getting to the bottom of this mystery? It's obviously the all powerful Shaving Lobby which won't rest until we're all completely bald.

There are many questions we need answered. I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this.

1) What was the cat's name? Buzz? Venus? Gillette? Remington?
2) What is the cat's breed? I'm betting it's not a Sphynx.
3) Who is this mysterious "responsible person?" Is he male or is she female? Or a SHim?
4) Why was the cat shaven? Excessive hairballs? Allergies? Clawing the Bush furniture? Hitting the cat nip too hard?
5) What's the proper way to shave a cat?
6) How does the cat look now?
7) Why are we protecting the identity of this "responsible person?" Former mafia witness? Member of the ASPCA? Convicted cat burglar? All you gots to do is say "alleged cat shaver" and you can get away with murder. Right O.J.?

And the most glaring oversight is how police found that vandals had painted "Sum Ergo Tonsumo" in red on the town hall. Any Latin scholar can tell you this translates to "I Am, Therefore I Shave."

The conspiracy is on. Watch your back kids. Trust no one. Especially anyone packing a disposable razor.

Shop 'til You Drop

The new online business is going swell. We're doing lots of very special, very personalized, very important services for big, big celebrities.

We've got a swell personalized online shopping cart with our ecommerce software and that's really all you need to get going. If you've got the right shopping cart software, people love your products even if it's something pretty dumb. As long as you can say a celebrity endorses it or uses it, you're golden.

Stuff continues to just fly off the e-shelves:

• Brittney Spears Parenting Guide
• Kate Moss Energy Powder
• Tom Sizemore Life Coaching
• Miss Teen South Carolina Geography Guide
• Hillary Clinton's Guide to Definite Answers
• Nicole Richie's Nutrition Guide
• George W. Bush's new book Dumb Choices for Dumb People
• Larry Craig Metronome (eliminates that need for foot tapping)
• Medellin Extended Director's Cut
• Michael Vick Medical Marijuana Clinic Pass
• Mike Gundy Media Relations Training (with special guests John Chaney and Hal McRrae)
• Milton Bradley's How to Make Friends and Influence Umpires book

Let me know if there's anything you'd like that we don't stock.

Denouement

Wow! What a great Talk Like a Pirate Day. This one was the the best one ever. I'd post some photos, but the digital cameras got destroyed during the off-shore bombardment. But I'm getting ahead of myself....

It all started innocently enough. The parade was going fine and the turnout was much better than expected. Some parade-goers were less than enthused with our float, but when we fired a few musket loads of candy into them, they fled in terror. But then they found it was just rainbow goodness, they recovered quickly.

And because the parade was so well received, we decided to go ahead with a re-enactment at the school. While I lost the costume contest to a World War II vet with a peg leg, the machete duel with the principal turned out better than expected. We may have gotten a little carried away when we took a few of the female teachers hostage some of the instructors seemed to enjoy it a lot.

The kids were so excited with the duel and the pillaging that we decided the float would probably float. And when the bombardment of the school began, the kids just went crazy.

How were we to know a few innocent cannonballs would burn the school down?

Like I said, it turned out to be a great day. Everything ought to be repaired just in time for next year.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

The Summer just seemed to go so quickly here in the Great Grey North.

I'd really like to hit Walt Disney World and see all my wee little friends. Maybe an Orlando rental home this time instead of a Disney Hotel.

I'll never forget sitting by the pool when a wee tot playing in the water cried to his Dad, "I've got to go potty." Dad replied that he'd be right there. Less than 30 seconds later as Dad was headed his way, the water tot loudly declared, "Nevermind." Yup, the end of the pool day for us.

All the Pirate Preparations have me pining for going on a certain ride about 15 times in a row. It's especially fun during the parade when no one is around and you can make out in the back row. I always notice something new whenever I go. Like how my seat is wet, Cap'n Jack.

The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

TLAPD is going to rock.

First, the optometrist agreed to remove my eye so my patch fits just right.

Second, I've been doing a lot of Home improvements. The boys at Anglian really came through for me. The Crow's Nest sticking out of the chimney really looks authentic.

Third, the cannons came out much better than I expected. Because I had to cast them myself, I didn't think the reload rate would be that good. Because I used cast iron, the school bus that I'm stuck behind each morning is in serious trouble. I'm not even going to go for a shot across the port bow. I'm just going to let it have it.

Especially that little fat ass that gives me the pressed ham each morning.

Enjoy the day, swabbies!

Only Five Days Left

Get ready, swabbies.

The best day of the year is coming in less than 5 days. Yes, it's almost time for International Talk Like a Pirate Day again. Wow, time flies when you drink all that rum and do all that wenching.

So put down that cabinet hardware and grab your cutlass and buckle your swashes. What is a swash anyway and how does it keep coming unbuckled anyway?

And while I'll be celebrating TLAPD with an Errol Flynn double feature of Against All Flags and Captain Blood and making the Wife slowly go nuts by repeating "Arrrrrr" all day, here's how other celebrities will be celebrating the day.

Lindsay Lohan: Long John Silver's carryout and rehab sex
Tom Cruise: Dressing up like Horatio Nelson
Keith Richards: Drinking rum and incoherency
Keira Knightley: Splurge with an entire bean for dinner
Orlando Bloom: Admiring self in mirror
Johnny Depp: Not showering
Bill Nighy: No such person exists; he is just a special effect
George W. Bush: Ordering the Black Pearl deployed to the Persian Gulf
Geraldo Rivera: Special Investigative Report live from Pittsburgh

Enjoy the day, kids.

Secret Uniforms

In an effort to salvage their season and avoid going 0-3, the University of Michigan Wolverines are breaking out some new uniforms.

These new togs should take Notre Dame by complete surprise and ensure a victory. Because you're my super secret BFF interweb buddy, I'll let you in on what the new uniform looks like.

Go Wolverines!

Jimmy Crack Corn

Because they've whipped all the other problems in the Midwest, the University of Iowa has cancelled the annual corn on the cob eating contest.

Okay, first who is actually surprised that the Hawkeyes had a corn on the cob eating contest?

But who is surprised that the contest is cancelled because according to nimrod weasel pussy vice president of student services Phillip Jones "promoting eating contests is the same as promoting gluttony."

Because as anyone who has been to a college campus recently has seen the terribly gluttonous student bodies strolling around the campus.

Even worse, the contest is the week long fun fest running up the the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. So the big tradition is ruined. Established in 1847, the contest has been in existence for over 150 years. Currently, Iowa holds a slim 76-74 edge over Iowa State. And making up things is fun.

Because of this terrible tradition tragedy, I'd like to suggest some other replacement contests:

• Beer Pong
• Streaking
• RC airplanes bombing runs of the Administration Building
• Cow tipping
• Hazing
• Corn Holing (not what you think)
• Binge Drinking
• Youth Indoctination
• Applied Bongmaking
• Fake ID Creation
• Marathon Sleeping
• Class Cutting
• 400 yard Dormitory Walk of Shame

I'm sure there are others so feel free to play along at home, kids. Until then, Phillip Jones is placing you all on Double Top Secret Probation.

Prison Musical Gets New Lead

If you're Tennessee House Judiciary Chairman Rob Briley, you might not want to belt out a show tune the next time you're pulled over for drunk driving (with police video goodness).

While I'm sure the Honorable Mr. Briley (D-Nashville) was coming back from dropping off toys at the the orphanage after volunteering at the Mesothelioma treatments Center and whipping up an entree at the soup kitchen, the police observed him speeding. Rep. Briley then allegedly (that's always a great weasel word for being able to type whatever you want) led the police on a high speed chase. And haven't we seen enough of those chases on tv to know how they all end?

Once in police custody (surprise - cars only get away from helicopters in outrageous action movies, kids), Mr. Briley called the nice policeman a "brown shirt" (and he really is as you can see by the uniform), a Nazi and then belted out a line from Springtime for Hilter. Yeah, that didn't exactly help with his booking process. The multi-talented Mel Brooks is an author, director and producer but not a lawyer.

Oh, and the police found an empty bottle of bourbon in Rep. Briley's car. That's Maker's Mark if I recall my bar tending days correctly. So, I'm sure a Tennessee politician is going to get in a bit of hot water for drinking Kentucky bourbon. Especially straight out of the bottle in his car.

And this all takes place in the middle of the afternoon. Doesn't this stuff normally happen about 3 a.m.? At least it does if you're a professional athlete. That must have been a pretty good lunch, Rep. Briley. UT was playing Southern Miss that day so it may have just been a kick ass tailgate party.

I just hope Rep. Briley is able to survive this scandal. Because it sounds like he'd be a great U.S. Senator.

Cuts Like a Knife

This one comes to us from Michigan, kids. And it's a little rough so hang on tight.

In Allen Park, police found a man who had killed himself in wooded area with a guillotine he built himself. Police even found the store receipts at which he had purchased the materials he needed to assemble the guillotine.

Now, I don't know how MacGuyver pulled this off. It's all I can do to find a warm body at Home Depot. And I know the kind of advice I get when asking electrical questions. You can only imagine what kind of "customer service" you'd get if you asked for a blade "Oh, big enough for a guillotine."

Why do I have the feeling this is all because his Wife wouldn't let him get one of those poker tables?

It's too bad this gentleman couldn't get the help he needed. If you're depressed, see a professional. And not just a a professional bar tender.

Because you know this guy's house would have kicked ass at Halloween. At least once anyway.

Oh, and you know this is going to be on CSI Miami next week. Now take off those damn sunglasses already, Whitey.

Dog Eat Dog

There are many things I've learned from my numerous visits to the dog park. For those of you not encumbered with a hairy dependent (and when is he going to get a job?), a dog park is a fenced-in enclosure where you take your beast so he (or she) can sniff many strange butts and run to his (or her) heart's delight so that he'll sleep the rest of the day.

But it's always fascinating to see people interact with their pets. Or their masters as the case may be.

There are some things I've learned from my time at the Park d'Poo:

1) If you name your dog Dimebag, you may be giving a little more information about your lifestyle than you originally intended. Especially when you're yelling "Dimebag, come Dimebag" at the top of your lungs.

2) If you hand out personalized pens while you have a bag of poop in your other hand, don't be surprised if no one hangs on to the pen for very long. And you're obviously in very desperate need of clients.

3) If you bring a puppy, two dogs, and two kids to the dog park on your own, don't be surprised if you can't keep track of them all. That's a 5 on 1 zone, baby. Even when the older son picks up a rock and throws it at the head of the younger one. Don't worry, ma'am, I've got the puppy. You just try to get some care for that scalp wound.

4) Scalp wounds really bleed a lot.

5) Kids with scalp wounds should be used in lieu of car alarms.

6) Dogs who hear car alarms (or kids that are louder than car alarms) can immediately evacuate their bowels even if they are running at full speed.

7) Guinness the Wonder Dog has the prettiest eyes ever.

8) But his kisses are a little too wet for my liking.

9) If you have two dogs of the exact same breed and exact same color and you can't tell them apart, don't expect me to either.

10) Labradors have the most drool. Even when running at full speed.

You Take the Notre, I'll Take the Dame

College football season is finally upon us. I don't count that first week because none of the games count as they're all just blow outs. Unless you go to Michigan. Then it's something you'll just agree to never talk about ever again. And you'll never vacation in the Appalachian Mountains.

But if you encounter someone in a bar and he's wearing a t-shirt of the rival school, you don't need to tear his scrotum off. Yes, I'm talking to you Deacon Allen Beckett. Apparently, the Deacon (who is an Oklahoma Sooner fan) got into a bit of a scrap with Brian Thomas (the scrotee) who was wearing a University of Texas shirt.

Quote of the story: "The police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles."

The Deacon's attorney said ole Deke isn't even a die hard fan. Can you imagine what he'd had done if he was a big fan? Things might have gotten out of hand. Or maybe that's in hand. I wonder if either of these guys owns the official collegiate wall sconce for his school? I'll bet the scrotee won't be wearing those baggy cargo shorts anymore. Of course, he may not be able to now. He'll probably have to go with Capri pants from now on.

If you're scoring along at home, that does count as a sack for Texas. No word on whether the Deke did a little dance after the incident.

And remember, if a testicle goes into the crowd, it's yours to keep.

Go Get Dora

I don't wish to speak ill of the deceased allegedly deceased, adventurer Steve Fossett, but I used to always think the same thing whenever I heard about one of his latest attempts. Remember, if he makes it, So What!

Oh, I'm sure circumnavigating the globe in a solo, high-air balloon was a fabulous triumph of the human spirit in the face of adversity, but is anyone really taking high air balloons for travel anymore? You've got to respect jillionaires with a death wish. At least his beneficiaries do....

Steve has gone missing in Nevada and the Civil Air Patrol is currently searching for him. Good luck with that guys. There's a lot of open space in Nevada. That not counting the Venetian hotel.

Boy with Fossett and Pavarotti going right now, I'll bet Abe Vigoda is staying home tonight.