Come Monday

This is an amazing week to be a sports fan.

The final game of the Final Four is tonight. And luckily, the State of Michigan's very own Michigan State Spartans are playing in the finals.

And if you haven't been watching the games, you're letting the terrorists win.

Because the story is, no matter what is going on in the game, that Michigan State is playing for the entire State and the entire U.S. economy. And I thought they just wanted to win or something so they can get even more money and fast cars and cheerleader tail. But no, they're an inspiration and you will be inspired dammit!

How bad has it gotten in Michigan? Well they've started to steal horse hair.

In Livingston County, Michigan, some cut off the manes and tails of an "undetermined number of horses." You've got to admit that times are really, really tough when you don't even know many bald horses you own. And apparently can't even be bothered to try to count them. I'm sure these bandits won't evade the police furlong. Mr. Ed is already being sought for questioning. Hay, wait a minute. This sounds like a load of crap.

Now I don't know what kind of sick perverts live in Michigan. Actually I do. They're called cousins. But when some struggling artist type goes all Sweeney Todd on some poor equine just to be able to make some brushes, things are bad. Which is why you have to be rooting for Michigan State tonight. At least if you believe the media. Which you shouldn't.

But the other good thing about this week is that baseball starts. That's right, the Cubs are moving into their second consecutive century of finding new and creative ways to disappoint their fans.

And the Masters begins. Which is on CBS if you hadn't noticed the incessant commercials during the basketball. And some guy named Tiger is playing. Never heard of him. But if you are rooting for Tiger, you might also want to cheer for Bill Gates to make money.

So enjoy the rest of the sporting week, kids. Hockey playoffs next week. My condolences.

Cry Me a River

This kid obviously knows which school she should be rooting for this weekend.



I do the same thing whenever I hear Jim Nantz, Dick Vitale or U Conn score a basket.

Root for the good guys this weekend kids.

ESPNWHO?

I'd just like to take a moment to thank the fine folks at ESPNWHO for giving me my Saturday afternoons back.

If you haven't heard of ESPNWHO, it's by the same folks who brought you Mobile ESPN. You know, the defunct cell phone service that lasted less than a year. ESPNWHO is in an estimated 8 millions homes. Luckily, I'm not one of them.

So I can quit suffering the losses of my alma mater. I didn't want to watch Senior Day on television and see the poor kids who suffered through another disappointing season in which their coach got fired.

You know the same big, tough kids who still managed to tear up when talking about their departed coach.

You know the same kids who staged the biggest comeback in NCAA Division 1 football history.

You know the kids who need to win their last two games to go to some lame pre-New Year's bowl game like the Motor City Bowl.

And a winter bus ride to downtown Detroit would be a real reward for some kids who have never been in a bowl game during their collegiate career because the program is in such disarray.

So thank you ESPNWHO. I'm getting some laundry done while listening to the golden tones of George Blaha. He's the only announcer who lets you know your favorite team is moving left to right across your radio dial. And yes, they're already losing and the starting quarterback was hit so hard it broke his helmet and he's been knocked loopy with a concussion and is out of the game. What a way to end your career. Somehow, that's perfectly fitting for this season.

So that's a lot of stress in my life I don't need.

But I'm not sure if I should be concerned that the cheerleaders new cheer is:

There's no rhyme

There's no reason

We can't wait

For basketball season.

Hope your teams are doing better this weekend my fellow alums.

Bye Bye John L

Wanted: Division 1A Coach with prior experience who will not squander 17 point leads to Notre Dame. History-making comebacks not required. Alumnae preference is for coach who will not spot teams 38 points. Conference USA coaches need not apply. Must be comfortable with being second banana to basketball coach.

Send salary requirement and offensive schemes to bigron34@msu.edu.