This is an amazing week to be a sports fan.
The final game of the Final Four is tonight. And luckily, the State of Michigan's very own Michigan State Spartans are playing in the finals.
And if you haven't been watching the games, you're letting the terrorists win.
Because the story is, no matter what is going on in the game, that Michigan State is playing for the entire State and the entire U.S. economy. And I thought they just wanted to win or something so they can get even more money and fast cars and cheerleader tail. But no, they're an inspiration and you will be inspired dammit!
How bad has it gotten in Michigan? Well they've started to steal horse hair.
In Livingston County, Michigan, some cut off the manes and tails of an "undetermined number of horses." You've got to admit that times are really, really tough when you don't even know many bald horses you own. And apparently can't even be bothered to try to count them. I'm sure these bandits won't evade the police furlong. Mr. Ed is already being sought for questioning. Hay, wait a minute. This sounds like a load of crap.
Now I don't know what kind of sick perverts live in Michigan. Actually I do. They're called cousins. But when some struggling artist type goes all Sweeney Todd on some poor equine just to be able to make some brushes, things are bad. Which is why you have to be rooting for Michigan State tonight. At least if you believe the media. Which you shouldn't.
But the other good thing about this week is that baseball starts. That's right, the Cubs are moving into their second consecutive century of finding new and creative ways to disappoint their fans.
And the Masters begins. Which is on CBS if you hadn't noticed the incessant commercials during the basketball. And some guy named Tiger is playing. Never heard of him. But if you are rooting for Tiger, you might also want to cheer for Bill Gates to make money.
So enjoy the rest of the sporting week, kids. Hockey playoffs next week. My condolences.