Thursday, May 08, 2008

A Long Cruel Summer

If you haven't heard, Major League Baseball's Most Liked Player, Barry "It's All About Me" Bonds, is out of a job. So the MLB Player's Association, having cleaned up all the problems like steroids, uppers, mandatory drug rehab, groupies (okay that's really more of a fringe benefit than a problem), candy and ice cream in the clubhouse, and excessive tobacco usage, is investigating whether there is collusion in baseball.

Yup, no one wants Barry and his baggage on his team because of a giant conspiracy amongst the owners. Yes, it's a gigantic master plan orchestrated by business owners to keep a 43 year old sweetheart of a man out of the game despite that he may be going to trial on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

In fact there are so many well known faces out there in MLB looking for work, that they've been added to the mix as proof that there is collusion in baseball.

This reporter did some digging and talked to various unnamed sources around the league (as far as you know) and here are the real reasons some of these players are out of work.

Barry Bonds -- major asshat, selfish tool, under indictment
Roger Clemens -- alleged roider, won't travel with team, alleged pedophile

Hey a quick interjection. Why is Roger Clemens like blackjack? Because nothing good can happen when you hit on 15. Hiyo. Put her down, Jerry Lee.

Back to the list:

Sammy Sosa -- corked bats, excessive cheerfulness gets irritating over 162 game season
Kenny Lofton -- has to use a walker in the outfield
Mike Piazza -- gay
David Wells -- demands his weight in stadium hot dogs on each day he pitches

I hope that cleared it up for you, Players Union. Now get working on the serious issues like why the Detroit Tigers suck it this year.


Sleepless in Seattle said...

I think the Mariners should consider the guys on your list. We are sucking this year, and not in a good way.

Clever trophy wife comment btw.

What's MBL?

Anonymous said...

Baseball? Man, we're still playing HOCKEY up here! (Or do we even still have a team in the playoffs? I dunno.)

Isn't 43 a little old to be considered a valuable asset to baseball anyhow?

kris said...

I think all the guys over 35 should retire and come to work in that box under my bed.

lostinutah said...

I love the SF Giants. But I always hated Barry Bonds. I'm glad he's gone.

t2ed said...

Seriously, Lost. You should be packing.